Chasing Victory
by mpg
Summary: Edward is a foul-mouthed, screw-up V8 race-car driver whose career has started to race down the toilet. Bella Swan was left behind when he left to chase his dreams. Both are trying to piece together their lives. E&B/AH/AU/OOC/Lemons/Language
1. Battle at the Mountain

**Chapter 1****: Battle at the Mountain**

_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! _

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-EPOV-

The black bitumen stretched out in front of me. My car thrummed to the tune of the V8 that rested under the bonnet, issuing an angry growl whenever my foot grazed the accelerator. There was no one in front of me. No one between me and victory. No one but me. This scenario was achingly familiar, my last eight starts were from pole position and my last five races have ended DNF. Did. Not. Finish. I couldn't even get the car around the fucking racetrack. Not since Queensland Raceway.

Every time I felt close to victory, something clicked out of place in my mind and everything fell down around me for a fraction of a second. But when you're barrelling down a straight at just shy of 300 kilometres an hour and coming into a sharp right, a fraction of a second is too long. This time, I was lined up for the fucking Bathurst 1000 - an endurance race - which meant it wasn't only my ass on the line. My co-driver, Jasper Whitlock, had already let me know what he would do to me if I managed to total the car again. Let's just say it involved a pair of rusty pliers and a part of my anatomy that I was particularly fond of.

My team had informed me I _was_ actually close to getting one record this year. Apparently, I was one wreck away from passing the all-time repair cost in a single season. Suffice to say this wasn't the record they, or I, wanted. In fact, my team bosses were so unhappy with me at that if I kept it up I would lose not only the championship, which let's face it was out the window anyway, but also my career. And I fucking loved this job. I loved everything about it, not just the fast cars and loose women – although they were a benefit, a distinct benefit in fact. I allowed myself a brief second to replay the images of the pair of girls I was with the previous night. There was nothing they wouldn't let me do. By the end of the night I had violated both of them in every way possible before sending them on their way. But thinking about that was probably not the best idea while in control of a 600hp, 1300kg beast. I needed the blood to stay where it belonged - in my head.

A big part of me couldn't really understand what had changed in the last twelve months to leave me where I was. Twelve short months ago I was at the top of my game. King shit. No one could touch me when I was on the track. Last year I started as the dark horse and finished as the youngest driver ever to win the championship. At my age it was a fucking miracle I was on the team at all, let alone being discussed as a possibility for lead driver in the next few years. Or at least I _was_ being discussed. But suddenly I was a wash-up who couldn't even finish a race. Not even twenty-two and my career was over - unless I finished this race.

The cars behind me began to rev in anticipation fof the start. I started to think that maybe if I could just get away clean, I could have a chance of finishing. A podium would be nice – but just a finish would be a change. I could do it – couldn't I? Maybe that's what I needed to do – think positive or some shit. Be the change I want to see in the world. Or maybe I should just stop fucking analysing everything so much. Maybe if I spent more time on the racetrack and less in my head I might actually stand a chance of salvaging something of the shit that was left of my life.

Time passed swiftly and suddenly the flags were due to go up at any minute. I allowed myself one second of solitude and shut my eyes. I pressed my foot deep onto the floor, listening to the angry snarl that issued from my beast. It blocked out all other sounds and left me momentarily in peace.

Then my eyes snapped open and it was time to go.

Ride on instinct.

Don't think.

Don't over-think.

You know what needs to be done - just do it.

I could do this. I _would_ do this. It's only 1000 kilometres. Easy.

I was in pole position and that gave me an advantage. I got away clean from the starting line; launching to the front of the pack. My radio blared to life almost immediately. It was just the crew letting me know there was an incident behind me in the first corner. Not a safety car, so there mustn't have been any major damage. I didn't listen to who was involved. I didn't care. I only cared about the track ahead of me.

My fingers danced across the instruments. Up. Down. Clutch. Accelerator. Break. Like a dance. One, two, three, four. Hard to the left. Up Mountain Straight. Hard to the right. Through the cutting and Reid Park. Past McPhillamy and into the skyline. The view as I neared the top of the mountain would have been breathtaking under any other circumstances but right now I needed to focus. To stay in the moment and feel the car. The road dropped away from underneath me and then I was floating through the S bends into the dipper. A soft right then a hard left around Forrest Elbow and then I was flying down Conrod Straight.

I knew this racetrack like the back of my hand. I'd been watching this race every year for as long as I could remember. And I'd raced here for the last four years. First in production cars and then finally last year in a Supercar. And I fucking finished second. On debut, and I finished second. I was just that good. I drove with Jasper then as well. And then I'd gone on to win the championship. Such great fucking prospects and then it all went in the can this year.

I passed the start/finish line and it flashed away beneath me. One lap down, one hundred and sixty to go. Luckily I only had to drive around half of those. But I was getting ahead of myself. I needed to get through the laps the only way I could at the moment – one at a time.

I needed to keep my head in this lap, this stint. Thirty more laps, give or take, and then Jasper would take over and I would have nothing to think about, nothing to do but watch on and be ready to take control again when the time came. The track in front of me was still empty and I had put a few seconds buffer between me and second place.

The laps continued to drop away as the cars jostled for position behind me and my radio squawked to life at regular intervals, directing me to watch my fuel, my tyres, issuing directions for small adjustments I needed to make. The laps flashed past in a haze of sun, heat and speed. I fell into the comfortable pattern of the track and felt my mind start to drift. Suddenly a lilting voice shrilled in my mind, focusing me back on the track.

"Safety car, Edward. Bring it in."

Lap thirty-one. Thank Christ. Jasper would take over now. I breathed a sigh of relief, all I needed to do was bring the car safely into the pits and I was in the clear for another thirty or so laps, because Jasper would be in control and if he crashed - it was all on him. I wondered for a second if he'd let me near him with the rusty pliers if that happened.

As soon as I had left the immediate pit area I unzipped my fire suit, pulling it off my arms and allowing the top half to hang loosely around my waist. It was fucking hot. The air temperature was easily 34 degrees but on the track it was closer to 60. I grabbed my water bottle and sat to watch the race on the monitors.

Jasper's stint was slipping past without incident, of course. He was a speed freak too and, as much as I hated to admit it, a fantastic driver. He had just the right balance of brains and balls. That's why he had finished second behind me last year. He was older and more experienced - and the current lead driver for Cullen Racing. One or two more championships under my belt and that might have changed. It was being fucking discussed. But that was before Queensland Raceway.

Queensland fucking Raceway. The track that was close to where I grew up and that used to be my stomping ground. It was where I'd started in karts and where I'd cut my teeth in professional racing. I moved rapidly through the classes while I was still in high school before being noticed by Carlisle Cullen from Cullen Racing. They were _the_ elite Holden team in the V8 Supercar world. Carlisle said as soon as he saw me race he wanted me to be part of his 'family'. So he had courted me onto his team by offering me a five year contract for a lot of money. No, not just a lot – an absolute shitload of money. More money than a suburban boy like me expected to make in his life – let alone per year. The only problem was it meant relocating to Sydney. Which meant leaving all my friends, and saying a final goodbye to _her_. Even though we'd already broken up by the time I got my contract, I knew it would be devastating to say that final goodbye – the hurt was still so raw and when we broke up I think we'd both assumed we would end up back together before long.

After signing my contract and moving I became a junior driver for Cullen Racing for two years until I finally got control of one of their V8 supercars the previous year. I had more than exceeded everyone's expectations. I was just that good. Or at least I used to be - before Queensland Raceway.

That was where I saw _her_ again. I had no idea what she was even doing at a race. She hated the sport. She always told me she never could never understand the fascination boys had with their 'toys' as she had put it. But there she was, mere metres away, separated from me by a group of about twenty people. I wanted to speak to her so badly. We hadn't spoken since I left for Sydney a little under four years before. She did try to call, a lot in the beginning in fact, but I knew then that if I wanted to have a chance of making my career work I needed to avoid Isabella Swan – Bella. She was much too small town for me. And I knew a clean break would be easier for her. Easier for both of us. Over time her calls slowed until, almost a year after I moved, they stopped all together. And when the calls stopped I was almost able to put her out of my mind for good. Almost. Because she still resided in my dreams and nightmares, both good and bad, smiles and tears. Our past played out on instant replay every night. But other than that she never crossed my waking mind.

Until Queensland Raceway.

Until I saw her again.

She was waiting, looking expectantly around the crowd. For half a second I arrogantly thought she was looking for me, even though I was the reason we were no longer together. At least I _had_ thought that, until I saw him. Then I knew she had no further interest in me. He walked towards her from the concession stand with two hot dogs in his hands and two cans of coke balanced in the crook of his arm. Her face broke into a wide smile when she saw him. His russet-coloured face returned the grin before he planted a kiss on her lips and handed off her half of the food. She had willingly come to watch a race with someone _and _seemed to be enjoying herself. It must have been love – she'd never come to any of my races. When I saw that I realised I should have been happy for her. I really should. After all, I'd walked out of her life. So why did I feel like ripping that fucker limb from limb?

And _that_ was Queensland Raceway.

And that occurred immediately before I climbed in the car.

And that was the first race, ever, that ended in a DNF for me.

And that was why the former love of my life was now the bane of my existence. Because it was her that haunted me around the race track, leeching my concentration away for vital seconds at a time.

I sat pinching the bridge of my nose, trying to clear my head of all thoughts of her. We were at lap 62, and I would be back in the car for a double stint soon. 60-odd laps straight before handing it over to Jasper to take it home. We'd agreed that would be the safest option, it was always sometime in the last ten laps that I choked.

I stood and slipped the arms of my fire-proof suit back on and zipped it up, getting ready to take control of the car. Control. That's all I needed – a little control.

I glanced at the monitors. Shit. I'd been sitting in the corner of the garage for so long, not paying attention to anything but my meandering thoughts and I hadn't realised it had started to rain. I should have known really. Rain at Mount Panorama on race day; it was an almost annual tradition. But the rain always caused problems. The track was elongated, stretching up over the mountain, so unless the rain was a consistent downpour over the whole area it always had dry patches. Which left the teams with a difficult choice – stay on slicks and risk sliding all over the track if it's too wet or put on wet weather tyres and risk chewing through the tread and slowing the car down if it's too dry. The decision came down to forecasting and the wrong decision could cost time later on, if we stayed on slicks and the rain continued we would need to pit that much earlier to change to wet weathers and vice versa. Luckily, we had Alice as our race strategist. She had a knack for getting these things right and she currently had the guys warming a fresh set of slicks.

I was about to pull on my balaclava and helmet when Alice darted to my side. She pulled her mic away from her mouth. "It's going to be a bit wetter at first but I think it's clearing and you'll be alright on slicks. You just gotta keep your head these first few laps and you'll do fine. Just watch yourself on Forrest Elbow at the top of the mountain."

She grinned at me. Sometimes, especially lately, it felt like she was the only one on the team that was on my side. I quickly pulled on the rest of my protective gear and headed out to the pits. Minutes later Jasper slid the car to a perfect stop and jumped out. I climbed in, quickly reattaching everything and fastening my harness. Then I clipped the window netting back into place and gave the thumbs up to let my crew know I was in and ready. I knew these races were won and lost as much by strategy and fast pit stops as by actual driving. As soon as the car was dropped back to the ground, I pressed my foot to the accelerator, careful to keep the speed limiter on – the last thing I needed was a stop/go penalty. As soon as I reached the end of the pits I exploded out of the exit. In this moment, at this speed, I felt invincible. Thanks to my original lead and Jasper's driving, we were currently in fifth position on track, but first overall after adjusting for compulsory pit stops. Now I just had to keep us there.

And so the dance began again.

I was coming around Forrest Elbow and I felt the tail start to slide. I hit the marbles on the edge of the track struggled to retain control. But I did. I got there. And it felt fucking fantastic.

Maybe I _could_ do this after all.

I allowed myself to hope for a few seconds but then I saw her eyes. Red-rims around chocolate brown irises – they way they looked when I said goodbye, a little under four years ago. I shut down the images as quickly as I could as I felt my tail slide loose again. This time it kissed the car attempting to come up my inside before I managed to right it.

My radio crackled to life and Alice's voice came through my headset. "Watch it, Edward. Jasper's asked me to remind you about the pliers."

Focus.

Just think about the track ahead.

Concentrate.

Three more laps and I found my groove. The lighter fuel load and drier track kept the car straight. I began to put more distance between me and the people behind. I overtook a Ford down Conrod Straight and was in third position overall and still outright first. My breathing steadied as I felt the car fall into rhythm. Up. Down. Clutch. Accelerator. Break. One, two, three, four. Hard to the left. Up Mountain Straight. Hard to the right. Through the cutting and Reid Park. Past McPhillamy and into the skyline. Float through the S bends and into the dipper. A soft right then a hard left around Forrest Elbow and fly down Conrod Straight.

Alice had been right about the track, by my ninth lap of this stint the track was bone dry and cars who had gambled on the rain staying were scrambling for the pits to change back onto slicks. I used the time to push even further ahead. Alice squawked at me down the radio that I had just achieved the fastest lap time for this race. I was celebrating that small victory as I came across the top of the mountain again, across skyline. The glare from the sun reflected in the top corner of my windscreen and I was blinded. Not by the light, but by the vision in my mind that the sun reminded me of. Bella smiling, the sun glinting off her watch as we kept an eye on the time. It was one of the rare days when we had ditched school to hide out in our secret meadow nearby. As bad as the visions of Bella's red-rimmed eyes were, this was worse. This was a tangible reminder of how happy we had been and I didn't _want_ to suppress this image. By the time I did it was too late. I had no time to do anything else but adjust the angle of my car as it smashed into the wall of the first of the S bends before ricocheting across into another car and spinning. I felt it lurch sickeningly towards the wall again, smacking my side of the car hard into the concrete. Another car came flying down from skyline and, unable to avoid the scene, smashed roughly into the back of me. The nose of my car crunched loudly into the wall, the impact forcing the tail to launch into the air and spin around. I finally came to a rest with the passenger side of the car hard against the wall.

"What the hell, Edward?" Alice's voice admonished me. "Carlisle's going to have your ass for this."

I smacked the steering wheel hard before scrambling out of the car. I kicked the car door in frustration. "Fucking, shitter of a fucking bastard of a fucking car!" I screamed. I knew I was supposed to leave the track straight away, to avoid further injury, but I couldn't resist kicking the car a few more times to vent my frustration. Finally, after another few "Fucks" and "Fucking hells" I climbed over the barrier to the medics.

Alice was right, as usual, Carlisle was going to own my ass over this.

Fucking Bella 'small town' Swan. If it wasn't for her none of this would be happening now.

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I didn't hang around the track long enough to get grilled. My weekend was over. I was already going to get a fine for my outburst at the car after I crashed so it couldn't get much worse for me. And frankly I couldn't give a flying fuck what else happened to me, so I climbed into my Monaro and drove straight back to Sydney. I didn't want to deal with the press or with the other drivers. There were five of them that wanted my ass – Jasper included. I drove straight home, parked the car and called a taxi. I was going to hit the town and I was going to get absolutely shitfaced. That was the only way I knew how to deal with this thing.

My phone buzzed a few times when I arrived at the club but I steadily hit ignore. Then I turned it off completley when the caller didn't take the hint. I was in a VIP room and I was scoping out the talent. There were three blondes, four brunettes and a redhead. That meant my choices were narrowed from eight to four. I couldn't do brunettes. I had tried, a few times, absolutely fine pieces of ass they were too, but I couldn't do it – every time I saw them sucking my cock or bent over in front of me, I pictured Bella. And I couldn't picture her as one of these skanks – as a random piece of tail to use, abuse and recycle.

The redhead and her blonde friend seemed to be dancing very closely on the dance floor. I wondered how many more drinks it would take to get both of them. Half a second of watching them later, I bet myself that I could fuck both of them before I left the club. The bartender knew what they were drinking – one of the perks of the VIP room – so I ordered them each another drink and a corona and a double-shot of whiskey for me. I downed the whiskey before even paying for the drinks and ambled over to them with our drinks in hand.

"Hey ladies, thought you might be thirsty," I flipped them my wicked smile. They giggled in response. This would be easier than I thought.

The redhead gaped at me. "You're Edward Masen aren't you?"

"The one and only. And tonight I'll be your personal escort."

She giggled again. She was already maggoted. I had this made.

"I'm Vicki and this is Tanya," she indicated her blonde friend. They continued to bump and grind against each other as we talked. I felt myself getting hard already.

"Well, Vicki, Tanya, mind if I _come_ between you?" I ensured I put the emphasis on the come.

They both giggled and downed the drinks I had brought them like it was water. I skulled my Corona just as quickly and then they each grabbed one of my hands and pulled me between them. Soon we were a meld of hands and bodies. I brought drink after drink.

As they pressed themselves into me, I brushed my hand along Vicki's chest and, when I got no negative reaction, I grabbed more forcefully, fingering her breasts. She moaned against me and I captured her mouth with mine and her fiery red hair with my free hand. I used the control this position gave me to push our way over to one of the booths that were in the dark along the wall. As soon as we reached our destination, I began to slide my hands up her dress, pushing it over her hips and pulling down her panties. She pulled down my zipper and pressed her hand into my crotch. I was tangled with her when I felt hands slide down my back. I released Vicki's mouth to look behind me and saw Tanya pressing herself against me. I reached back, grabbing Tanya's hair and pulling her face into mine. Vicky continued to rub at my crotch.

I had my eyes closed when I saw the flash, followed quickly by another and another. Shit. This place was supposed to be fucking discreet and they allowed photographers in here. Great. Just what I fucking needed after the shit of the race meeting – gossip mags.

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A week later, I was sitting in Carlisle's office. Three things lay in front of me - the latest issue of "Gossip Weekly" with my public threesome gracing the cover, a letter from the Supercar officials and a plain envelope.

"You've really ruined things for yourself this time, Edward," Carlisle said, his voice firm.

I just nodded – what could I say really? I couldn't deny it.

"You've been fined $10,000 for your outburst at Bathurst," he continued.

I nodded again. Ouch – but not unmanageable.

"And another $10,000 for that _display_." His hands indicated the magazine cover. "For bringing the sport into disrepute."

Fuck. $20,000 in fines in one week. Maybe that's another record. Great. As if my life wasn't screwed enough. I knew better than to argue though, Carlisle exuded calm at all times and seemed to be the very picture of patience but I knew just how explosive he could be if you argued back.

"What's this?" I asked timidly, pointing to the third item. The plain envelope. That one scared the hell out of me. I wondered if it was my marching orders.

"Open it." His tone gave nothing away.

I opened it slowly. There was a key and an airline envelope. "What's this?" I asked again, my voice filled with surprise. I inspected the airline ticket – it was a business class ticket to London. Leaving tomorrow.

"You are taking the rest of the season off." There was no question in his voice. This was a directive from the boss.

"But the sponsors?" The team's sponsors paid for a certain amount of track time each year and the sponsorship money was refundable if that time wasn't met.

Carlisle laughed sardonically at me. "To be honest I think it will be cheaper to back out of the sponsorship deals than build a new car every meet. The way you have been driving, it's unlikely we'll meet the requirements anyway."

I hung my head in shame.

"Take the time off, go to London. Get your shit together and come back fresh next season."

I nodded. Then asked the other question that was burning, "What's the key for?"

"An apartment I own in London. You'll have free access to it but that's the only thing I can offer you until you return."

"Thank-you," I whispered. Maybe this was what I needed – to get out of the country and get my head together.

"You do realise this means your pay will be suspended?"

I nodded, mentally calculating what I had in liquid assets. I should be able to make it through without compromising too much – although I would miss that $20,000 much more now.

"And I shouldn't have to remind you that your contract is up for renewal next year. I'm willing to overlook this last six months if you can prove to me that you are back on top next year."

"Thank-you Carlisle."

"When I hired you I meant it what I said about you having the potential to be a great driver, Edward. Nothing's changed since then. You just need to get your head back in the game."

I nodded again.

"That is all."

I stood and left his office, staring at the plane ticket in my hand. Leaving the next day with an open return date. I had three months before I needed to be back for testing. Three months to get Bella 'small town' Swan out of my head for good.

I ducked into the men's room to avoid Jasper when I heard him coming towards Carlisle's office. I knew he was more than pissed at me, his closest rival for the championship had won the race at Bathurst and my DNF all but put Jasper out of contention. I'd received a stack of voicemail messages from both him and Alice over my little screw-up. I had yet to return any of their calls.

I looked at the plane ticket again. Three months out of the country was definitely what I needed.

**

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****A/N – Well this story is one that sprung up on me unannounced but then it announced itself pretty loudly and I needed to get this chapter down. **

**This one was partly inspired by a conversation with gabbysway2 on twitter about *fit* V8 drivers & party by the song "The Distance" by Cake. As it is set in Australia (at least in part) I am using Australian terms (e.g. KG's, kilometres & degrees Celsius). **

**Hope you enjoy this – it will be a bit more full on language & lemons than my other stories. **

**Also I have put some links in my profile (info about Mt Panorama & Bathurst 1000) if you are interested in finding out more. I have used my little bit of knowledge and a little bit of research to put together the racing scenes so apologies for any & all factual errors. :)**

**I would love your feedback on this. I hate to show preference to any of my story, but I have to admit the ones that get the most reviews tend to get the most attention because they are the ones where I feel the love. **

**I am on twitter if you don't know – (at)mpg82**


	2. Chance encounters

**Chapter 2****: Chance encounters**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! _

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After I arrived home I sat on the edge of my bed, staring at the plane ticket. In many ways it felt like a life preserver thrown to me to stop me from sinking under the deep shit that was filling up my life and I was willing to cling to it with both hands but how could I get my head back in the game. How did I even start to try? Maybe I needed to work out where my life had gone wrong. The problem was that in reality nothing had changed. I knew that. Queensland Raceway was somehow the turning point but it didn't _change_ anything. There was no fundamental or cosmic shift that had occurred. When I left Brisbane, I had realised Bella was going to date other men - so that hadn't changed. I hadn't said anything to her when I saw her - so that hadn't changed. I hadn't made any embarrassing cock-ups or anything. Nothing that happened there changed who I was or how I felt. I mean, it wasn't like I wanted to be back with Bella. Not really. I mean sure, I fantasised about her when I jerked off but come on, she was a fucking goddess - an Aphrodite. I didn't know one red-blooded male who wouldn't fantasise about her. And sure, she was either in my dreams or keeping me awake every night, but that didn't mean I wanted her back. If I'd wanted that I never would have left Brisbane or I would have returned her phone calls. Or something.

No, I knew I definitely didn't want her anymore. She was too focused on her small town attitude - she only wanted the small town life. She didn't understand racing. She didn't understand fame or money or fucking random women.

I sat staring at the ticket, running through these thoughts and many more like them, for two hours before realising that if I was catching a plane tomorrow I really needed to get some shit organised. Like clothes... and a suitcase. Oh, and I should probably let my parents know at some point. I debated calling them for a second, but had no doubt mum would have heard about the whole _Gossip Weekly _thing so I decided a text would be easier. I turned my phone on. It went crazy beeping and vibrating with all the missed calls and texts I had. I ignored them, sent mum a quick text and then turned the phone off again. I wouldn't have time to call Telstra tomorrow to turn on roaming so it could stay here. I would be unreachable – which sounded fucking fantastic.

I realised I would definitely need my passport, so I'd have to hunt that down. I tried to remember where I had put it when I returned from Bahrain. I had just ran downstairs to see if it was in the study when the doorbell rang. I looked at the clock on the desk. It was fucking nine o'clock at night. Who the fuck makes unannounced house calls at that time? The doorbell rang again and again. Whoever it was, they were persistent, I'd give them that much.

As I pulled the door open I was greeted by a fist in my left eye, quickly followed by another in my gut.

"What the fuck!" I squeezed out while trying to suck in some air around the pain in my stomach. I was doubled over and my vision was blurry.

"Just repaying what I owe you before you skip the country on me," I recognised Jasper's country drawl immediately. "And to deliver a warning – if, against my better judgement, we're partnered again and you even _think_ about crashing in any of the enduros next year and you fuck up my chances for the championship again..."

I looked at his face. His expression and lack of a threat was so much more potent that any words that could have come out of his mouth. A few weeks ago I would have punched him back, then we would have had a few beers to get over it and he would have left on okay terms. But right now, after sitting thinking about Bella – who I knew without doubt I had absolutely no feelings for whatsoever – for the last two hours, I had too much shit going on in my head. I leaned against the door, closing my eyes to squeeze back the tears.

"Fucking hell, man!" Jasper snapped at me, shocked by my lack of retaliation and by the wetness that was threatening my eyes, "Seriously! Get your shit together."

I nodded. He swept back to his XU1 Torana, shaking his head as he went. He peeled out of my driveway and down the street, leaving two thick black skid-marks and a shitload of smoke in his wake.

I walked back into the house, grabbed an icepack from my freezer, wrapped it in a tea towel and pressed it to my face. I was disgusted with myself. I couldn't even have a fight properly anymore.

My life really was fucked.

* * *

The next day I waited at the airport for my flight. Alone. Because all my family were still up in Brisbane and I hadn't really made any friends in Sydney. In fact I spent all my time, spare or otherwise, around the race team and I definitely didn't want to see any of them right now. Especially when Jasper would have not doubt told them all what a pussy I was because of the night before.

While I waited, I tried to think about what I wanted to achieve from this trip. Did I really expect three months would change everything? What did I want to change? I mean, obviously it would be nice to get around the racetrack without spazzing out. But did I want to exorcise Bella out of my mind completely? I didn't have feelings for her, I was sure of that much at least, but it still fucking hurt my chest to even consider never thinking about her again. I stated to wonder whether it was worth getting out of racing. Maybe I could just get a job at the bank with dad. Shit money compared to what I was on now, long hours and a fucking boring life, but at least I couldn't fuck it up. Was that the answer? I briefly considered calling Carlisle and cancelling my contract now. But I decided that would be the coward's way out and I was no fucking coward. Was I? Besides, I didn't want to throw away my dreams just because of some stupid visions that stopped me from completely a race. Quite simply I needed to do what Carlisle asked. I needed to go to London and get my head back in the game.

After I checked my baggage there was still an hour before I would be able to go through security, so I went to one of the airport coffee shops and ordered a latte. I walked straight into a booth at the back and slumped down into it. I did not need photographers, or fans, today. I had sunglasses on to cover the lovely purple shade of my left eye and a baseball cap pulled low over my face to try to remain at least partly incognito. I sat sipping my coffee when I saw a fucking ghost from my past. I shook my head to clear it. I must have been seeing things, because there was no reason for Bella Swan's meathead older brother, Emmett, to be in Sydney. Especially not at the international departure lounge. But I decided regardless of how small the possibility might be that it really was him I would avoid any eye contract and try to limit the possibility he would recognise me. The last time we'd met, he'd almost put me in hospital for breaking Bella's heart. And I didn't need another black eye to match the one I already had, or worse.

He went to the counter, which was just to the left of the booth I was in. I turned my head to the right to avoid catching his eye. As soon as he spoke I knew without doubt that it was him. His booming voice was instantly recognisable. He ordered a short black and a _caramel macchiato_. I froze. That was Bella's coffee. Surely my own personal demon could not be here to haunt my escape as well? _No, it couldn't be_, I reasoned with myself. After all, how many people drank those? It wasn't like Bella was the only one in the world. I felt my head turning slightly in Emmett's direction, while still trying to keep out of his sight. He gave no hint why he was here or what he was doing as he casually flirted with the barista and collected his drinks. To go. I would never know whether or not it was her. But that was all right. It's not like I cared anyway.

After I was sure Emmett had gone I downed the last of my coffee and headed for the newsagents, determined to pick up the latest copy of a few of the Holden magazines to give me something to read on the plane. As soon as I entered the newsagents I saw my disgrace staring out at me from the stands at the front of the store. I pulled my hat down even further. Please god don't let anyone recognise me in front of the Gossip Weekly stand. I raced deeper into the store, towards the 'boy' magazines. The ones with cars, bikes or girls, or some combination of the three. I was debating the merits of three different magazines with myself when I heard Emmett's booming voice again.

"God, that Edward Masen thinks he's all that doesn't he?"

Holy fuck! Why couldn't he just disappear? I figured he was commenting on the _Gossip Weekly _cover – if he'd seen me his voice wouldn't have had that jovial edge. I thought someone respond to him but I didn't hear what they said or even whether they were male or female. I wanted so badly to look, but I cowered with my head behind the magazine stand instead. I may not be a coward, but I wasn't fucking stupid either.

"Yeah right, babe, you need to face facts. That boy is so far up himself he'd need a compass and a flashlight to get out again."

I thought I heard a female laugh. I straightened a little to get a look but all I could see was Emmett's back as he paid the cashier for whatever he had purchased. He remained protectively behind whoever was in front of him as they walked out. I didn't get a clear view and I didn't want to risk following them to find out. My curiosity was not worth my head. I heard him ask, "So how do you think Phoebe's going to go while you're off on this little adventure?"

But I didn't hear the answering reply. Once I heard his voice retreat far enough away I moved out of my hiding spot and towards the counter. I ended up buying all three magazines. I thought about what Emmett had said. 'You're off on this adventure' so I assumed that meant he was saying goodbye to someone and not flying himself. On that assumption I ran straight to security. At least he couldn't haunt me through there.

I shoved the magazines into my carryon luggage and threw it down onto the conveyer belt as I went through security. I put my wallet, keys, sunglasses and hat into one of the little boxes and slid that behind my bag and then walked through the metal detector. Of course I had to have a V8 Supercar fan as a security officer.

"Holy fuck – you're Edward Masen."

_Oh really, I'm glad you let me know I'd been wondering who the fuck I was._ I smiled as politely as I could manage, "Yeah."

"Can I get you to sign something for my son, he's a huge fan."

_Sure - your 'son'_. "No problem, have you got a pen and paper."

I scribbled down a quick note – the usual 'thanks for your support, Edward Masen' crap. I was glad when I got away from there. I understood that fans were important to the grand scheme of things but when I was at a fucking airport trying _not_ to draw attention to myself the last thing I needed was an autograph hound.

I quickly slipped my cap and sunglasses on. But it was too late, the people who came through security behind me also asked for my autograph. Half an hour later, with a severe cramp in my hand I'd finally signed autographs for almost everyone who wanted one. I'd refused to sign the copy of _Gossip Weekly _that was thrust in front of me though – even I had my limits in vulgarity. The biggest problem with doing autographs was that if I refused to sign the fans thought I was arrogant, but if I did sign anyone else who saw me thought I was stuck up. It was absolutely lose-lose.

Once I'd broken free of the pack, I headed straight for the business class lounge. I hid away in the corner with my back to all the other passengers and my cap tipped low over my face. I just wanted everyone to leave me the hell alone with my inner turmoil. I waited until the final normal call before I boarded – I didn't want to be stuck on the plane any longer than necessary but I also didn't want them to call my name over the loud speaker, effectively telling everyone in the airport that I was one of those arrogant people who think the whole plane should wait for them.

I walked up to the attendant on the gate and gave her my boarding pass, flipping her the best smile I could manage. She directed me through to the tunnel and I entered the plane. The next flight attendant looked at my ticket and pointed me in the direction of my seat. I smiled, because there was a nice piece of tail bent over across it. I admired the view as I walked closer. Whoever this was she was trying to get something out of her carry-on bag. I saw the now sickeningly familiar cover of _Gossip Weekly_. Fuck. Twenty-three and a half hours stuck next to someone who not only reads _Gossip Weekly_, which would be bad enough at the best of time, but who also had the issue with me ungraciously gracing the front cover as their early in-flight entertainment. Then she stood up, and, if possible, things got worse for me. She was a fucking brunette. Which meant there wasn't even a chance of me trying to add another notch to my mile-high club belt if by some miracle she was impressed by public displays of lewdness. Great. This flight was going to be a twenty-four hour torture test.

She pulled her bag up from the seat and tried to stow it in the overhead compartment, but she was just a little too short to balance it properly. I watched for half a second as her blouse pulled up away from her stomach, showing off the silky smooth, milky coloured skin there. I reached my hands up to help. "Would you like some assistance?" I offered.

I assumed at first that I startled her, because she froze and the bag came toppling down on top of both of us. I wasn't prepared for it so the bag slipped straight through my hands, knocking off my hat and sunglasses as it fell. I stumbled to catch my hat and then dived onto the floor to retrieve my sunglasses before putting my hand out to help her with her bag. She had bent down too and I noticed her hands were quivering. I thought she must have been a fan or something, so I raised my eyes to offer my assistance again.

Holy fuck!

**

* * *

**

A/N – **I'm on twitter (atMPG82) if you're interested in chatting about this or any of my stories. **

**Read & review – otherwise how else will I know if you want more? (or less I guess). And I know the language is pretty full on at present, but Edward is a bit screwed up in case you haven't realised. It will most likely tone down as his stability improves (although I won't make any promises because with a miss3 I'm not allowed to swear at home so it's good to get my frustrations out on page – and it is rated M)**


	3. Virgin Territory

**Chapter 3****: Virgin Territory**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! _

* * *

I couldn't move.

I couldn't think.

All that kept running through my mind is Holy Fuck!

An air hostess tapped me on the shoulder and I felt some semblance of feeling return. Too bad it was a hollow feeling that made me ill.

"Are you two okay here?" the hostess asked. "We need to get everyone seated for take-off."

I nodded vaguely as I saw the red blush run up _her_ cheeks. Her eyes hadn't left mine since they met and she held me captured like a deer in headlights. I wondered if she was feeling quite as breathless and empty as I was. Finally her chocolate brown eyes turned from me and onto the stewardess, releasing their hold.

"Sorry," she mumbled, picking up her bag. The stewardess helped her stow it away securely and then tossed mine in too. I still couldn't move or think enough to offer any further assistance. I watched as _she_ slid into the seat closest to the window. I couldn't do this.

"Excuse me," I asked the stewardess as quietly as possible. "Is there any chance of getting another seat?"

"Sorry, we're full."

"Even in economy?" I begged urgently.

"I'm sorry, I'm not able to help with that. Now, please take your seat and fasten your seatbelt."

_Fasten my seatbelt alright, _I thought. Twenty-three and a half hours stuck on a plane next to fucking Isabella Swan. And worse, she'd heard me asking for another seat and was currently staring steadfastly out the window, her face a shade of red so bright she would put a tomato to shame.

I sat, threw my sunglasses and hat into the storage pocket and then pinched the bridge of my nose, before realising that fucking hurt with my black eye so I tugged at my hair. I had no fucking clue how to handle this. Talk? Don't talk? Reminisce? Ignore? Where was the book of etiquette that deals with running into your ex on an almost day long flight to another fucking country.

"Bella," I finally squeezed out in greeting.

Her head shifted imperceptibly in my direction and she seemed to be having a similar internal debate. Then she nodded. "Edward."

Why did my name sound so fucking good on those lips?

At that exact moment the safety announcements started, giving me precious moments to ignore her without feeling guilty. I'd never been more fucking interested in having an emergency situation before, but all too quickly they were over and then the uncomfortable silence began as the plane started it's run-up for takeoff. Of all the fucking shitty luck, I had to be stuck here on a plane next to the one person who was the reason I was leaving the country.

Bella ignored me completely as the plane took off. Once we were settled in the air she pulled out her magazine and I could have sworn a small smirk crossed her lips as she looked at the cover. Fucking great!

She buried her face into the magazine, holding it up so every time I looked at her all I saw was myself sandwiched between two strangers whose names I didn't even fucking remember, their faces blurred in my mind and in the photo.

I don't know what compelled me, but I had to speak to her again.

"You can't believe everything you read," I whispered to her conspiratorially.

She dropped the magazine onto her lap. "Oh really? So you're not really a megalomaniac ass who finds it impossible to keep his pants on and is more interested in screwing random women than doing his job properly?" she replied curtly.

_Ouch _– but I deserved it. I started to wonder exactly when the stewardess was going to bring out the drinks cause fuck knows I needed one - or ten. I decided that could be a solution to my current situation – just get so shitfaced I couldn't speak even if I wanted to.

"Emmett's still a big fan," she said - a definite smirk on her face now. Was she enjoying my obvious discomfort that much?

"Yeah, I heard." It slipped out before I thought about what I was saying.

She froze. "What do you mean – you heard?"

_Fuck. _"I was in the newsagents when I heard his voice."

"I didn't see you there."

"You think I'm going to show my face around Emmett? I'm not a completely fucking idiot. That dude is scary."

She chuckled. "Yeah, there are some benefits of having a big brother like him. He keeps the fuckheads away."

My face fell. We'd almost had a civil conversation – our first conversation in four years – and she'd just called me a fuckhead. It was no less than I deserved I guess - but still...

I turned my body away from her and stared out into the aisle. I heard her laughing behind me. I didn't want to know what about but my head drifted back towards her involuntarily.

"Did I offend you?" She laughed.

"Why would you think that?" I asked - my voice ice.

"The way you just turned away from me."

I rolled my eyes.

"You're acting like a three-year old you know."

I resisted the urge to poke my tongue at her.

"Look, fine," she snapped. "Frankly I couldn't care less whether you are offended or not. I was just trying to be pleasant, considering it looks like we're stuck together for the next day."

She pulled out her purse and grabbed a small box of pills.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Is it your business?" She snapped back.

"No, I guess not." I chuckled. "But I am curious."

She sighed. "If you must know, they're sleeping pills. I suddenly thought spending the next twenty-four hours unconscious seems like a pretty good option."

"Are you sure you can trust me to keep my pants on?"

She humphed. But then she said, "You're still making friends I see."

I thought she was referring to the magazine again but she was looking at my face. _Oh right – my black eye_. I chuckled. "Yeah, my co-driver wasn't too impressed by my performance at Bathurst."

She nodded and smiled. "Right. What's up with that anyway? You've crashed out of the last, what, five meets?"

What the fuck? How did Bella 'I Hate Cars' Swan even know that? Then I remembered. The bloke at Queensland Raceway. Yep, it must have been fucking love if he'd turned her around to the point where she actually knew how many rounds I have crashed out of. I debated whether or not to reach for my airsick bag because I definitely felt nauseous.

"Why?" she asked.

"If I fucking knew _why_ don't you think I would have stopped by now?" I replied, much more harshly than I had intended because of the vision I was currently having of her in that fucker's arms.

"Sorry for asking."

We sat in silence for a few minutes. Then her hands slid into the box of pills and she slid out one of the blister packs.

"I'd rather you didn't do that," I whispered.

"As I said before, it's hardly your business. I don't see why it matters." I could tell she was exasperated.

"Because I have a problem with gratuitous drug use." I didn't feel ready to spill all the gory details. "Those things are addictive."

"Well, it's my body."

"Your body is a temple." _Holy fuck – I did not just say that. _"Um...I mean everyone's is. You've got to look after it. Look, it's still only morning. I'll try and keep out of your way. If you really can't sleep later than take them." I was beginning to ramble. Not good.

"Really? Well, I can see how well you treat your 'temple'." She pointed to the magazine cover. "I guess you practise open worship?"

Now it was my turn to blush. "Fuck! You know what – whatever. Do what you want," I said and I turned away from her again.

I heard the magazine rustle and she sat silently beside me. I felt her lean back over to her bag, I assumed to put the pills back away. I smiled slightly at my small victory. Then I remembered something. A curiosity. Emmett's words at the airport. I tried to push it out of my mind, but it kept coming back. Finally, after who knows how many minutes of silence I turned back to her.

"Who's Phoebe?"

She looked at me with wide, startled eyes. "What?"

"At the airport, when you were leaving the newsagency – Emmett said something about a Phoebe."

"She's...no one." I could tell that Bella was going to say something else, which piqued my curiosity even more.

"Is she like a girlfriend or something?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Edward, I was so ruined after you I knew no men would ever compare so I turned into a lesbian."

Even though I knew she was being sarcastic, a part of me was turned on by the thought of Bella with another girl. "No, I meant of Emmett's."

She laughed.

"What's so funny about that question?"

"Emmett's married. He has been for about three and a half years now."

"What?" That surprised me, he'd been dating that stuck up cow the last time I saw Bella. He must have moved on quickly, unless... "To Rosalie?" I asked incredulously.

She smiled. "The one and only."

"That sucks for you." Bella and Rosalie never got along.

"Actually, not really – her and I get along great now."

"Really?"

"Yeah, apparently she used to question my taste in men. She doesn't have the same problem anymore."

"So she had a problem with me?" I snapped. Fucking bitch.

Bella chuckled. "Yeah, something like that. She has the same high opinion of you as Emmett."

"So is there anyone in your family who doesn't hate me?"

She shrugged. "None that immediately spring to mind."

"How are things back home anyway? What's everyone been doing?" Surprisingly I found myself _wanting _to talk to Bella, but I couldn't think of any decent topics of conversation that wouldn't end in an argument. Old friends and reminiscing seemed a safe-ish topic.

"Good."

"Just good. Four years away and all you've got for me is good?"

"You are the one who left, Edward." She sighed. "You are the one who doesn't check in with anyone. What do you want me to say?"

"Well, surely somthing's happened since High School. Some town scandal?"

"Don't you talk to your mum?"

I shrugged. "Sure, but not about Browns Plains."

"Yeah, I guess your life is much too interesting to care about those of us who are left behind in the backwater town." Her voice was becoming raised, the result of four years of repressed feelings I guessed.

"Bella?"

"No, you know what. Fuck you, Edward. You can't sit here and ask me about the town fucking scandals when you have no fucking clue what is going on in anyone else's life. Do you even have any fucking idea what I've been doing for the last four years? Did you even fucking care enough to ask anyone about me at all?" She was screaming by the end of her tirade.

The air hostess came over to her. "Excuse me ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down. You're disrupting the other passengers."

"Fine. Sorry." Her face was burning red with embarrassment. "Can I just have a glass of water?"

The air hostess nodded. While she was gone Bella surreptitiously snuck her hand into her bag and I heard the sound of two blister packs popping. As soon as the hostess came back with a small plastic cup in her hand Bella dropped the pills into her mouth and then skulled the water. She turned her back to me and pressed her head into the window. I guessed the conversation was over. I lifted my chin, pressing the back on my head into the headrest.

Half an hour later Bella was fast asleep. As she slept she drifted closer to me and soon her head was resting against my shoulder. I was inundated with the smell of strawberries – she was obviously still using her favourite shampoo. Before long, she started to murmur in her sleep. It was a hideous reminder of the last time I heard her talking in her sleep - the last time we were happy.

* * *

It was the night of the high school formal. Bella and I had been planning the night for months. The formal was being held just four days after our three year anniversary so we'd both agreed that as a combined graduation/anniversary present we would give each other the one thing we could never claim back – our virginity. Of course, by that stage in our relationship we'd done almost everything but have sex. We'd had many, many heavy petting session and had gone down on each other. Although to be honest my views of what 'everything' consisted of back then were different to the way I saw the world now. Back then I'd never in my wildest dreams considered threesomes, bondage, fetishes or anal. Ok... maybe in some of my _wildest_ dreams, but I was very happy with the way things were progressing with Bella.

We'd decided we would make that night special. We were both ready for it, in fact a week before the formal we had to stop ourselves quite a few times before things went too far.

I'd arranged for my dad to hire a hotel room at the Hilton – where the formal was being held - ostensibly to 'get ready in' but I knew I hadn't fooled him and he knew the real reason. Thankfully, he kept it secret from both our mums.

I spent the afternoon setting up candles and rose petals around the room. I'd sourced a CD of Debussy and other classical music for some atmosphere. I planned everything so well that nothing could possibly go wrong. I'd even arranged for a bag of Bella's clothes to be collected and left in our room.

I dressed in my tuxedo and met my best friend, Ben, in the lobby. We slapped shoulders and walked to the basement before climbing into my car. Bella was at her house with her best friend, and Ben's girlfriend, Angela. When we arrived, I beeped the horn as we climbed out. Bella and Angela came out of the house together with huge smiles on their faces. I was floored when I saw the dress Bella was wearing. Sex on legs was too feeble a term to describe how utterly fantasitc Bella looked. Her dress was a bright electric blue, floor-length and _very _low cut. In fact, it may as well not have had a top, the only thing giving her any semblance of modesty were the two flimsy pieces of material which rose in triangles from her hips and climbed over her breasts before meeting in the middle at the back of her neck. Everything else above her hips was on show, including her stomach, which had a sapphire and diamond belly button ring residing in the middle. Her hair was swept up into a high bun full of curls, a few loose tendrils framed her face and neck. Her make-up was light and natural, but served to enhance her features perfectly.

As soon as I saw her I wanted to put her high on a pedestal with a plaque that read 'property of Edward Masen' and that thought scared the shit out of me. After all, my contract for Cullen Racing was already being discussed and Bella kept trying to be the voice of reason – telling me I should go to uni first and get back into racing after I finished because that way I would have a fall-back plan. In my mind, I could already see where that path would lead. I would go to uni and be so busy studying that I wouldn't be able to race at all. Then when I graduated, I'd have to settle for some lame-ass job that I would never enjoy. My whole life was planned in that direction and that _really_ scared the shit out of me. These thoughts quickly followed the pedestal thought when I saw her and I wanted to run. Fast.

But then Bella smiled and wrapped herself around me and nothing else mattered. All of that other stuff, race or uni, life in general, would sort itself out later. I knew that being with Bella in the here and now – that was what was important. I smiled back at her and led her to my car. Ben and Angela were already waiting alongside it. Renee, Bella's mother, came rushing out of the house with a camera and we spent five minutes getting photos of us as a couple, us with Angela and Ben, just Ben and I, just Bella and Angela. Finally, we escaped into the car and were away.

The dance itself went off without a hitch. We mingled with all of our friends and bumped and ground together on the dance floor. We said teary goodbyes at the end of the night – even though we would all be back at school the next Monday for our final week. Then finally everyone dispersed, mostly to go to whatever after-formal party they had arranged to attend. As they filtered out, Bella and I waited anxiously by the elevator, casting nervous glances at each other. The hotel room key-card burned a hole in my tuxedo pocket the whole time.

When we finally stepped out of the elevator onto our floor I told Bella to wait there. I ran into the room, turned off all the lights and lit the candles. I noticed a bottle of Champaign in a cooler in the middle of the room and a box of chocolates to the side of it. I put the key-card down to read the note that sat on top of the chocolates. It simply read, "Relax and enjoy" in my father's handwriting. I quickly threw the note in the bin. Bella would freak if she thought my dad knew what we were planning. Then I thought of Bella in _that dress _and I raced from the room to get her. I put my hands over her eyes as I led her down the hallway. I reached for the door handle. _Fuck. _The door was locked and the key-card was inside - next to the chocolates and the burning candles.

Bella laughed and kissed my cheek when I told her what I'd done. Then she waited patiently next to the door as I ran down to the front desk to try to get someone to open the room for me. Once they had and we were in the room, we both got a lecture about the danger of unattended candles. After the hotel clerk finally left, I sat on the couch looking sheepishly at Bella. I felt like I'd fucked up the whole night. Instead Bella pushed herself closer to me and ran her hand down the inside of my thigh, causing my stomach to tighten. Then her soft lips rested on my cheek. I turned my head and captured her mouth. I ran my fingers up into her hair, pulling her head back slightly. I went to pull my hand back from her hair but it was stuck. I tried again and Bella groaned with pain.

"Just give me a second," I said anxiously. She turned her head in my direction and I started to pull out all sorts of wire and crap from her hair until I released my hand. I seriously wondered how she could have that much metal in her head and still be upright. Ten minutes later, I finally had her hair loose and we were laughing at the pile of fasteners.

"Are there any other traps I should know about?" I asked her.

"Well, there is the chastity belt." She laughed in reply.

"There better not be," I growled at her, sliding my hand up the outside of her thigh, pushing her dress up as I went. Once it reached her hips I found her panties. I grazed my finger from her hip into her centre and back out. She pushed her body against my hand.

"That's lucky," I whispered.

"Maybe you need to check again?" she asked, her eyes hooded with lust.

I grinned at her, fuck she was a goddess. "Soon."

Then my mouth was on hers and I was pushing her hard into the couch. I pushed my hand into her hair again, it was still full of hairspray. It crinkled against my hand and I didn't like the sensation. I liked Bella au natural.

"Why don't we have a shower?" I suggested.

It was her turn to grin back at me, her breathing nervous again. It wasn't like we hadn't seen each other naked before - but we both knew this time would be different. "Okay."

I stood and offered her my hand. Then I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, once we were through the door I tripped on her dress and the rose petals and felt myself falling. I managed to keep upright long enough to get Bella onto the bed before falling the rest of the way. I heard the sound of satin ripping and a large part of Bella's dress came away with me. She lay on the bed laughing as I stood, the blue material of her dress draped around my shoulders and over my head. I started laughing too and offered her my hand for the second time.

As soon as she was standing I saw that what little of her dress remained intact had no structural integrity, and had in fact fallen to the floor when she stood. All thoughts of showers, romance and everything else flew out the window. I attacked her - that is the only word for it. My mouth was urgent against hers and her tongue responded in kind. She was pushing my jacket off, and then she yanked on the bowtie that was resting around my neck and threw it across the room. She unbuttoned and slid off my shirt, her mouth moving onto my chest, her tongue making miracles on the skin there. I stood and unzipped my pants, doing what I thought would be a really cool stripperesque movement - whirling them around my head before launching them across the room, straight into a fucking lamp which crashed to the ground with a bang.

Bella and I roared with laughter. I had no idea how much that would cost my dad – or how many times I would have to mow the lawn to pay it off but right now I didn't care. I was right in front of Bella and there was nothing between us besides her panties and my boxers. We each made short work of our own barriers and then the reality hit me. Holy shit, we were actually going to do this. My heart hammered at a thousand RPM as I slid the condom on. I could hear Bella's heartbeat matching mine pace for pace. I leaned over her, going back to taking it slow. I pressed my mouth to hers and felt her tongue against my lips. I hovered over her, my erection straining near her entrance. She tilted her hips up slightly and rubbed along the tip with her wetness. I almost exploded then and there. If we hadn't spent so many months experimenting with hands and mouths I probably would have. I kept kissing her as I pressed it into her, anxious that I might hurt her if I pushed too hard or too fast. She grunted in pain slightly as I slipped in deeper.

"Did you want me to stop?" I asked, concerned.

She winced but shook her head. "Just give it a second."

I stayed as still as a statue, kissing her neck and face. Slowly she started to buck her hips up towards me. I let her control the rhythm and the depth, but fuck it was good. After another few minutes of slow movements, Bella arched her back and moaned, but there was no pain in it. I took it as a sign to push a little further. I pulled myself almost the whole way out before plunging back down again and Bella gave an accompanying moan. I stared in her eyes as I repeated it, both of us moaning together this time. Bella's hand found my ass and she pulled me even further into her, hitching one leg around my waist.

"Ow, fuck," she said and I stilled again immediately. Then she smiled at me. "It's alright... just a shock."

"Are you sure? We can try again later if you prefer."

She shook her head. "I want this. I want you."

I put my hand on her cheek and pressed my mouth to hers again, moving slowly with her. Slowly our intensity built and my orgasm crashed over me without warning. Shit. Not what I'd planned. I rested over the top of her trying to catch my breath. Bella kissed my head.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

She laughed. "It's alright."

I climbed back out of her, feeling myself slide depleted from her. She pushed herself up off the bed, resting on her elbows. After I ascertained I was actually able to stand still I quickly pulled the used condom off, tying it off and throwing it into the bathroom bin. Then I ran back over to the bed and leaned over her. I kissed her mouth deeply, then I trailed my mouth and tongue over her chest, taking each of her nipples into my mouth in turn. I ran my hand up her thigh and slipped two fingers straight into her. I ran my fingers in and out of her and she began to buck against me. She was so wet and warm it was making me hard again, I pulled my fingers out and slid my erection in. It felt even better with nothing between us. I pressed it as deeply as I could and then stayed still, rubbing my fingers and thumb along her thighs and across her clitoris. She moaned deeply and squeezed her legs tight around me. I flicked at her clit a few more times and she came hard around me. Her walls squeezing tightly around my length. I didn't think anything could ever feel this fantastic. I couldn't see how anything could top this feeling.

I pulled back out before I got too excited and came again. I stood and noticed a small amount blood on the sheets and around her thighs.

"How about that shower?" I asked her with a smile on my face that I thought would never leave. She reached her hand up and I pulled her off the bed. She limped a little as she stepped away from the bed.

"Fuck – did I hurt you Bella?" I asked, disgusted with myself.

She shook her head. "No, it just feels... weird."

I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her neck. "We'll try again soon."

"I should hope so – I plan on doing that a lot."

"So you're really not hurt?"

She kissed me in response.

We showered and cleaned ourselves up. I shampooed Bella's hair, she'd brought her favourite strawberry scented shampoo with her. Then I remade the bed with some spare linen and we curled up underneath the blankets with matching contended smiles on our faces.

She had succumbed to sleep so much faster than I had. I was too mesmerized by her.

As she slept, she gravitated even closer to me until she was curled under my arm. Then she started to talk. At first it was nonsense, about the school exams we had just finished. About her mum, her friends. But then it turned serious. "I love you, Edward."

I squeezed her a little tighter. We had only just started saying the L word six months ago and we used it sparingly – we both agreed we'd rather it mean something when we said it, than to use it as a flippant term for every greeting or parting.

"Of course I'll marry you."

_What the fuck!_

I climbed out of the bed and spent the rest of the night sitting on the couch. I didn't want that life. I didn't want to be the small town boy married out of school. I had fucking dreams - and from that point on they couldn't include Bella 'small town' Swan.

I broke up with her as soon as she woke up in the morning and she ran from the room in tears. That afternoon when I arrived back at my house – Emmett was waiting.


	4. Revelations

**Chapter 4****: Revelations**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! _

* * *

_Bella walked towards me on the couch, yawning widely. She was wearing a loose t-shirt and shorts, her hair a haystack on her head. She smoothed it into a ponytail as best as she could without a brush. Then she climbed lazily into my lap and wrapped her arms around me. I put my arms around her too and pressed my face against the top of her head. The smell of her shampoo had a calming effect on me. It drove thoughts of leaving from my mind. Maybe I had just been scared, I could get past fear – I wasn't a fucking coward. I gripped her tighter, afraid to let her go. _

"_What's the matter Edward?" she asked, pulling back to look at my face._

_I shrugged. I didn't know how to voice what I felt. On the one hand, I knew she was all I ever wanted but on the other I was terrified of being that dependant on someone, on being tied down, at seventeen. _

"_I can't believe we only have one more week left of school," she said, trying to distract me from my reverie. _

_I nodded. _

"_Have you thought some more about going to uni? I really think that's the better option in the long run."_

_I shrugged. _

_She scrunched her eyebrows together. "Edward?"_

_I looked into her eyes and I was her captive. I leaned toward her to kiss her and she quickly reciprocated. As I closed my eyes, I saw everything of the life she was dreaming about: her in a white dress walking towards me down the aisle, a house in the suburbs, kids. Fuck. I was too young to have kids – I was too young to even be thinking about having kids. I pulled away from the kiss and shifted Bella onto the couch next to me. I stood and walked to the table, leaning against it to try to catch my breath. _

_Bella was really concerned now, she walked behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. "Edward? What is it? You're scaring me."_

_I turned towards her. "I don't want kids." _

"_What?" _

"_I don't want fucking kids. I don't want to get married. I don't want any of that shit."_

"_Edward, where is this coming from?"_

"_It's what you want isn't it? Uni, kids, marriage."_

"_Eventually, sure."_

_I shook my head, trying to clear it. "I don't want any of that shit."_

_She didn't say anything, just tightened her hold on me. I closed my eyes and tried to use her scent to calm me down, but it just made me see that life more clearly and that scared the hell out of me. _

"_I want to race."_

"_What?"_

"_If that contract for Cullen Racing comes in, I want to do it. I'm going to do it."_

"_I thought we'd discussed going to uni together and then seeing what options we had."_

"_No, Bella – you discussed that. You've never once asked what I want." I pulled away from her grip._

_She gasped. "Edward?"_

"_You don't think I can make a career of racing do you?"_

_She looked in my eyes for a few seconds and then shook her head slightly. _

"_You've never even fucking seen me race." _

"_Well, I'm sorry that cars bore the shit out of me."_

"_I fucking let you drag me all around that fucking university open day and you've never once come to watch me race." _

"_That was for both of us."_

"_No, that was for what _you_ wanted for both of us."_

"_Fuck that Edward." She was shouting at me now. "Can we not get into this shit today?" _

"_Why not? It's as fucking good a day as any other?"_

"_I'm not having this same argument again and again."_

"_Maybe we keep having it because we're kidding ourselves that we're meant to be together."_

"_Maybe!" she screamed. She stalked into the bedroom and before I knew what was happening she was walking back out, carrying her bag and the remnants of her dress. She pushed the hotel room door open and stormed out. I watched after her confused for a few seconds and then I heard the elevator ding. Fuck! I ran down the hall just as the elevator doors closed in front of her tear streaked face. _

"Bella! Stop!" I flew forward out of my seat. My heart was pounding and my mouth was dry. It was dark and I was alone. It was just a fucking dream.

"Edward – what the fuck?"

I froze. Bella's voice was right beside me. I turned to look at her; the events of the last day began to creep through my subconscious. I blinked a few times at Bella before realising that my scream had startled her and she'd split coffee all down the front of her shirt.

"Shit, sorry," I whispered pushing the call button for the stewardess.

I clambered out of my seat and let Bella up to wipe off her shirt. She didn't seem to be making any progress.

"Oh, fuck it," she said. "I'll have to change. Can you grab my bag down for me?"

I nodded like an idiot and grabbed her bag, passing it to her. She dug around in it for half a second before producing another shirt. Before I realised what she was doing, she had pulled her spoiled shirt off and handed it to me, before pulling the other one on. But not before I got a good view of her bra and skin, and her belly button ring – it was just a plain silver barbell now. The shirt she'd given me was warm from her skin. I resisted the strong urge I had to put it to my face and smell it. I stood like an idiot, gaping at her, with her shirt bunched between my hands.

She grabbed it from me and then turned to the toilets to rinse it off. I could have sworn I saw a hint of a smirk on her lips. Then I realised she'd been awake while I was asleep. She'd been awake while I was dreaming. Fuck. She knew I was dreaming about her. Could this plane trip get any worse? I looked at the time – we were fourteen hours down. Over halfway; thank Christ for that.

I stood in the aisle until Bella came back and took her seat. Yes, she definitely had a smile on her face.

"It looks like gratuitous drug use suits you," I commented as I climbed into my seat.

She gave me a quizzical look.

"Well, you look much happier now."

"Did it occur to you that I was happier because you were unconscious?"

I chuckled. "Ah, but I'm not unconscious now and you're still much happier."

She shrugged. "We'll see – I guess it depends on what conversation my neighbour wants to engage me in tonight."

"Well, I'm steering clear of Browns Plains – that's for sure." I laughed and she joined in.

"You were dreaming about me," she accused, the smile dancing on her lips again – as if that thought gave her great pleasure.

It was my turn to shrug again.

"What was it about?"

I closed my eyes and debated. We were starting to have a pleasant conversation and I'd started to wonder whether maybe we could make it through the next ten hours without another arguement. But that would change if I dredged up the memory of breaking up with her.

"Aren't you going to tell me?" she asked.

I opened my eyes. "I'm worried it will upset you."

She laughed. "_You're_ worried about how _I_ might feel?" She sounded incredulous.

"I'm not the prick the media thinks I am."

"Not always," she mused. "But I've seen you do some pretty fucked up things."

I nodded, knowing she hadn't even seen the worst of it.

"Please tell me? I have a right to know."

I laughed. "How do you figure that you have a right to know what's in my head."

"Well, if I'm the star attraction I think that provides me with certain rights."

I debated again, then I went with a half-truth. "It was about our high school formal."

She narrowed her eyes at me. "The formal, or the morning after."

Shit. What had she heard? I stared at her in silence.

"You know Emmett thought you raped me."

"What?"

"What else would you expect him to think? I turned up at home; early, alone, in tears, my feet sore from walking from the bus stop, my dress in tatters and calling you an asshole. He put two and two together and unfortunately came up with five. I didn't know about what he planned, or did, until I found out why you weren't in school that last week."

"Well that explains his reaction," I murmured. I'd always thought he'd gone a bit over the top just because I broke his sister's heart. I'd just figured he was that overprotective. But fuck, if I'd thought someone had raped Bella there would be no almost about the hospital part – he'd gone easy on me.

"Yeah, he copped it a bit from me once I found out." she chuckled.

"I am really sorry... I mean about the freak out I had that morning. I just, I don't know – felt trapped, I guess. It felt like we were barrelling along at a hundred miles an hour and I could already see myself as a grandfather sitting on a porch wondering what the hell happened to my life."

She was sad. "I know. I felt like that too sometimes. We were pretty... intense." She chuckled after the last word.

We lapsed into silence, both deep in thought about what could have been. It made me remember the fucker at Queensland Raceway. I wanted to ask her about it, but didn't want to admit that I had seen her there.

"So is there anyone in your life now?" I asked, almost silently. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to hear the answer.

She seemed to find the question amusing. "Not really."

"What does 'not really' mean?"

"It means, that I don't really want to talk about it."

"Okay." I didn't want to press her and end our civility.

"I'd ask you the same question," she said, laughing now, "but we both already know the answer to it."

I nodded, she had me there – the whole world knew that Edward Masen liked to screw random women in clubs thanks to _Gossip Weekly_.

"Edward, there's something I do need to talk to you about..."

"Shoot."

Her eyes shifted to the window, she stared out of it for a few seconds as if steeling herself up before returning them to me. "...I might be leaving Australia soon."

"I've got news for you – you already have," I whispered with a chuckle.

She shook her head. "No, I mean for good."

"Oh." For reasons unknown to me that news made my heart plummet to my stomach. "Why?"

"Well, I've just finished my last round of exams at uni and then I'll have my honours in Law."

"What's that got to do with leaving – you can practise law in Australia."

"I've been offered a position with Pembletons. They are the pre-eminent barristers in London, well... the world really – they have offices all over."

I had no air. I wondered if the cabin was depressurizing – but there were no oxygen masks being deployed.

"They look for the best of the best of the best and they've offered me a position in either their Sydney or London offices."

I couldn't breathe. _Seriously, shouldn't those oxygen masks fall down soon?_

"London seems like a smart choice – it means a little bit more study but the client base is fantastic."

My lungs tore painfully with each breath I tried to gasp down. Why did it matter if Bella went to London permanently? I hadn't spoken to her in over four years. What difference would distance make to that sort of relationship? In fact – surely having Bella be on the other side of the world would make it easier to focus on the racetrack. So why did it feel like she'd just ripped my heart out with her bare hands and was now consuming it?

"Don't go," I whispered, my voice broken. "Please."

She gave no indication that she'd heard me, except to close her eyes for half a second. Then she just stared blankly past me and into the aisle.

My next move shocked even me. I can only blame the lack of oxygen. My brain was screaming 'No!' as I moved in slow motion towards her. But something compelled me forward. Suddenly, I felt my lips on hers. I felt alive.

She pulled away from me. Then her hand whacked across my cheek.

I put my hand over the area where she'd just slapped me. Shock filtered through my system and I felt tears spring to my eyes. It took every ounce of willpower I had to stop them from falling.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, trying to keep my voice low and even.

Bella sighed. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have slapped you." She paused. "God knows you deserved it... but I still shouldn't have done it."

The thing I couldn't explain to her was that my lips burned more than my cheek.

"When?" I asked after a minute of silence.

"When what?"

"When are you leaving?"

"If I decide to go it will be after graduation, next February."

"So that's the reason for this trip?"

"Yes. To decide whether the London branch is right for me. I've spent the last week at the Sydney office."

_She's been in Sydney for the past week. Holy fuck! _"How long are you in London for?"

"About the same I guess. I'm really anxious to get home as soon as possible though, especially if I'm moving for good – there are things I need to get sorted out."

"Like?"

"Like, none of your goddamn business."

"Sorry."

"I just don't think I'm ready to let you into my private life again when, as soon as this plane lands, you'll waltz off into whatever party will have you to throw down with whatever random chick you can find."

"I don't have to," I said.

She sighed. "You don't have to what?"

"I don't have to waltz off to any party. Or throw down with any random chick. All I've got going on over here is a key to an apartment. That's it. I'm free to do anything I like."

"And?"

"And – will you go out to dinner with me when we land?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. "You want me to go on a fucking date with you? After everything you've done?"

"No," I said quickly. "Not a date – two old friends catching up." And maybe I could figure out some way to get her out of my head from there.

"I don't think so, Edward. I don't want to get involved with you again."

"I understand." I felt broken. I didn't understand any of my emotions anymore. I fixed my eyes on the seat in front of me - desperate not to let a single tear fall.

"Fine...a drink," Bella said and I turned my head towards her. She had her eyes closed and looked pained.

"What?"

"I'll go out with you for a drink, _one drink_, once we get off the plane. But that's all. Then I need to be on my way so I can live the life that you left me to."

"That would be nice," I said, wondering why my heart was suddenly inflated.

We fell back into silence again. After a few minutes Bella put her headphones on and concentrated hard on whatever was happening on the TV in front of her. I felt myself drifting off to sleep again. It had been so long since I'd had good natural sleep, but something about this airplane made it easy. Perhaps I needed to fly more often.

**

* * *

**

****

A/N – Okay so a bit of a shorty this time, but I like the information revealed here & it feels like a nice ending for this chapter.

**The Edward hate was pretty intense after the last chapter so I wanted to get the beginning of this one up – he's still an ass, no one is denying that, but hopefully this explains his actions a little (and in case you're wondering – he blames himself for the break-up even though Bella walked out, in his mind he broke up with her by having the freak-out).**

**Have I mentioned I'm on Twitter ( mpg82). **


	5. Panicked

**Chapter 5****: Panicked**

_Characters (excluding original characters created for this story) are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. I don't own them. I do however own the storyline. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

By the time I woke again, we were only about five hours out of London. I wasn't sure whether I was relieved or disappointed by that. One thing I realised immediately was that I was amazingly comfortable. More than I'd ever been on an airplane. More than I had been in a very long time. It took me another second to realise that my arm was wrapped around a sleeping Bella, my fingers rested on her hip. Her head was on my shoulder, her shoulder pressed into my underarm, her body turned in towards me and her arm draped across my stomach – her fingers touching my thigh. My head was turned towards her; leaning against her hair.

_How the fuck did we end up in this position?_

I tried to pull myself away from her without disrupting her sleep but failed miserably. Her eyes fluttered open. She took a second to take in our position, then she sat bolt upright. I felt her hand connect with my face for the second time in less than twenty-four hours.

"What the fuck, Edward?" she snapped.

"Fucking hell, Bella," I hissed back.

"Well, how do you expect me to react when I wake up with your paws all over me?"

"You were all over me!" I protested.

"Yeah right," she said. "As if I would come near you with a ten foot pole." She smiled a little.

"I wouldn't want you near me with a ten foot pole?" I joked. "That would fucking hurt."

She chuckled. "You know what I mean - there is nothing that I find attractive about you."

"Come on just admit it - you want this," I said, running my hands over my body.

She blushed, even as she shook her head.

_Holy fuck! _"You do, don't you?" I asked incredulously. Then I realised I was seriously close to another slapping.

She managed to rein her blush in a little - and control her slap-happy hand. "Been there, done that, honey. Not interested in an encore – especially not with all the other 'guests' you've had lately."

"I seem to remember you saying to me once that you planned on doing 'it' a lot." I began to wonder whether I _wanted_ to be slapped by Bella again, I was certainly acting like I did.

"Who says I haven't?" she said with an almost innocent look on her face. Fuck, she was still a sex goddess. "It may surprise you to learn that you are not the only man on earth."

I felt a growl building in my chest. I wanted to demand names, addresses and phone numbers of every man she'd been with after me so I could hunt them down and kill them. I knew it was hypocritical considering how many women I had been with – so many I couldn't even _begin _to tally numbers – but thinking of anyone else being with Bella made my fucking blood boil. I was so angry in fact, that words tumbled out of my mouth before I thought about them. "You mean that fucker who took you to Queensland Raceway?"

"What?" she asked, eyes-wide. "How do you even know about that?"

"I saw you."

"You saw me? When?"

"After qualifying - before the first race. I saw both of you, getting food." I couldn't work the accusing edge out of my voice.

She chuckled. "Trust me, there's nothing going on between Jake and I."

Jake – that was the fuckers name was it? I thought of his lips touching hers. "Sure, it looked like nothing."

She burst out laughing. "Edward... he's gay!"

"What?"

"He's just a really good friend that I met through uni."

"But he kissed you."

She raised one eyebrow. "If you think _that_ was a kiss, I think you need to brush up on your bag of tricks."

_Maybe you should show me what you regard as a kiss,_ I thought, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I'd already been slapped twice – I didn't really want to try for a third... did I? "If he's just a friend, how the fuck did he convince you to go to a race?"

She bit her lip, debating whether or not to tell me. "Umm...he's into all that car crap too. He helped me out a lot, it was the least I could do."

There was something she wasn't telling me. I was going to ask her to clarify, but the stewardess interrupted with a meal for each of us. I'd missed the last one because I was asleep, so I was famished. Even airline food was acceptable in my state.

By the time I finished talking to the stewardess, Bella had slipped her headphones back on – so the conversation was over again for a while. As I ate my meal, I thought about everything that had happened in the last nineteen hours. How much information I had learnt, but how much she still seemed to be hiding.

Bella started to watch the in-flight movie, so she wouldn't be interested in conversation for a few hours at least. I watched her as she smiled and laughed at what was on the screen. She really was as beautiful as ever, maybe even more so now she had grown into her curves more. I thought about all the shit that happened between the night in the hotel and the last time I saw her.

* * *

When I saw Emmett waiting on my doorstep, I thought he was coming to deliver a message from Bella, like he had so many times before. I felt terrible about the things I had said, and the way we'd ended it that morning, so I was really glad to see him.

"Hey, Em," I said. "How's Bella? She was really pissed at me when she left – not that I can blame her."

His reply was a fist to my stomach with such force it made me vomit. He waited until I finished heaving, then he pulled me back to my feet by my shirt collar.

"You stay the fuck away from my sister. I would never have believed you to be capable of that fucking shit, Masen." His eyes were narrowed and full of anger.

"You're acting like it was all my fault. But she's the one who fucking walked out in the middle of it!"

He roared at me. His fist connected with my eye. Then his hand was in my hair and I felt my face being pushed downwards at an alarming velocity. I saw his knee rising towards me just as quickly. They impacted with a nauseating, wet thud that I felt through my entire skull. I felt blood trickling from my mouth and nose. I spat out a mouthful and launched my fist at Emmett. I may as well have punched a brick wall for all the impact I had. All I did was bruise and scrape my knuckles.

He pulled my collar again, the front this time, and held me up off the ground and close to his face. He waited until my eyes were focused on his face and then he hissed venomously, "You fuck with Bella – you fuck with me. You remember that, Masen."

He pushed me back into the brick wall of the house before climbing into his car and driving away.

I slumped to the ground, the bricks bit into my shirt and ripped it as I went. But I didn't care. I didn't care about my face, or any of my injuries, either. Because none of that mattered and none of it hurt nearly as much as the gaping hole that opened in my chest as I realised Emmett's attack _had_ been a message from Bella. I knew Emmett well enough to know he would never have done that off his own back, not over an argument. After all, Bella and I had a typical teenage relationship - we argued all the time, but we always made up. I realised it was her way of telling me she didn't want me anymore. That if I couldn't commit to uni and marriage and fucking kids she couldn't be with me. I'd made my case pretty fucking clear on those issues this morning. And she'd just made her point equally as clearly.

As the hole gaped wider, I couldn't get enough oxygen. Every breath I took pushed me closer to the edge. My head spun. I leaned my head forward into my lap. Tears sprung unbidden to my eyes. And then I cried. For the first time in my life - I bawled. Over Bella.

My tears ran freely down my cheeks, mixing with blood from my split skin before forming splotchy patterns on the concrete. I tried to breathe but every time I did, I found that everything smelled and tasted like the blood that ran thickly down my throat. As the blood hit my already agitated stomach I vomited again, and again.

I was quickly in the throes of a full-blown panic attack, which made the tears fall faster and scared the shit out of me. I couldn't breathe and my heart was racing. Every gulp of air brought the taste of blood back into my mouth and made me heave again, my stomach twisting against itself in its now empty state.

My father came home to find me doubled over on the concrete. He raced into the house, grabbed an icepack and a towel before leading me to the car. I pressed my forehead into the cool glass and cried the whole way to the doctors. When asked what happened, I made up an excuse about being mugged in the city. I didn't want to answer the questions that would be raised if anyone knew Emmett was responsible. My father asked how I'd managed to drive in this condition, but I just refused to answer him and he stopped pressing for details fairly quickly – sensing there was something I didn't want to tell him. He didn't ask how my night with Bella went. He would have known about the broken lamp, the unopened Champaign and probably the lock-out as well – I'm sure he pieced everything together to come close to the truth, even if he didn't know the full details.

In the end, I missed the last week of school because of the damage Emmett had done to me. That whole week I'd had two black eyes, a swollen cheek, severe bruising down my left side and a slight ringing in my ears. But worse than the physical injuries was the gaping chasm that replaced my heart and never seemed to go away.

Bella tried to call on the first day I missed school but I refused to take the call. On the Tuesday she called again, this time I spoke to her, telling her that Emmett had made her point very fucking clearly thank you very much, so leave me the fuck alone. On the Wednesday I got my contract from Cullen Racing. I'd considered my options again and again since my fight with Bella, so when I had the physical copy in my hand I signed and returned it without hesitation. It was that or go back to Bella, begging on my knees. Go back to the small town plans of uni, marriage, kids. Bella called again that night, sobbing down the phone line, begging me to see her again so she could explain. I agreed only because I needed to tell her I was leaving. The following Monday I was moving to Sydney and I had no intentions of returning.

That was how I ended up face to face with Bella on the Saturday night.

The worst fucking night of my life.

The only thing that I promised myself was that I wouldn't cry and I wouldn't back down. I wouldn't leave her with the image of me as a weakling. I would be strong, and leave her with the knowledge that I was doing what was right for me. And for her.

She sat next to me on the park bench. Her eyes were already red-rimmed before she'd arrived. Her hair was pulled back into a haphazard bun. She didn't look like she'd paid attention to her clothes or appearance at all before leaving the house.

"Edward," she started – staring at the heavy bruising that was still evident around my eyes and cheekbone. "About Emmett... I just wanted to say..."

"Don't," I said, cutting across her. "Just fucking don't. I don't want to know why you did it, I really don't fucking care. Consider your message delivered."

"What message?" she asked, sounding as confused as she had when I'd said the same thing to her over the phone.

"Fuck it, whatever." I yanked my fingers through my hair. "The only reason I agreed to meet you tonight was to tell you I'm leaving." My voice was hard because I couldn't cry. I wouldn't allow myself to cry. Instead, I turned into stone - a cold, hard, uncaring statue.

"What?" she asked, breathless, her tears spilling over again. It was almost enough to make me lose it too. Almost.

"I told you, I want to race. The contract came – so I'm fucking going to go race."

"But Edward -"

"Don't, Bella. It's signed. I'm not going to change my mind."

"So that's it. No fucking discussion? Just 'I'm leaving'."

"It's for your benefit too," I whispered.

"How do you figure that you leaving is for my benefit?" she snapped.

"Because you want things I can't fucking give you. Things you deserve. You deserve happiness Bella...it just can't be with me."

Her tears were now joined by sobs. "But it's _you_ I want. I don't give a shit about anything else."

"You do, Bella. You might not think so, but you do," I disagreed.

"Don't tell me my own mind. I fucking know what I want. _You_."

I shook my head. "It's too late Bella. I leave on Monday."

She recoiled as if I had slapped her.

"Monday?" she asked breathlessly.

I nodded.

She put her head in her hands and bawled. I acted instinctively, pulling her into my chest and she sobbed loudly against me.

"Don't go," she whispered, her voice strained and broken. "Please."

She pushed her face onto mine and I felt her warm lips running against mine. My own moved instinctively with them. My tongue worked its way into her mouth and fuck she tasted good. It was almost enough to break my resolve. Almost.

I finally remembered myself enough to push her face gently away from mine.

"I'm sorry Bella." I bit back my own tears and ignored that chasm in my chest. "This is what I want."

"And you don't want me?"

"No."

She slapped me and then stalked off into the night. And I never saw her again.

Until Queensland Raceway.

* * *

"What are you thinking about?" Bella's voice was soft beside me. I didn't even realise that her movie had finished.

"You."

"Why?"

"I was just thinking about all the fucking mistakes that drove us apart."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I thought Emmett attacked me because you asked him to – I never even realised he thought..." I couldn't even say the words. "I thought it was your way of telling me you didn't want me anymore."

"But I told you after that that I did. Repeatedly. Even after you moved to Sydney I tried to call you, but you never answered the phone yourself and no-one seemed to pass on messages." Her voice sounded close to tears.

"They passed them on," I whispered, leaning forward and putting my head in my hands. "I'd just shut down the part of myself that still cared about you."

I closed my eyes as I felt her hand rubbing a small circle on my back. I felt the tears were dangerously close again. I bit the inside of my cheek to try to hold them off.

Suddenly, the plane dropped and my stomach lurched. _Fuck. What was that? _The plane buffeted. _Fuck! _I gripped tightly onto the seat. My teeth clenched together. The plane bounced again. _Fuck. _I felt the beginnings of a panic attack starting to crash over me. My palms felt itchy and sweaty and I couldn't breathe. The plane suddenly felt claustrophobic as it fell again.

I leant back in the chair, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to open up my lungs and force oxygen in.

"Edward?" Bella asked softly. "Are you alright? It's just turbulence, and it's stopped now."

"Talk to me," I whispered to Bella though my laboured breaths.

"About what?" Her voice was full of concern. She was worried now and that made my panic intensify.

"About anything, just prattle on about anything." I was getting dizzy. I'd done a good job of hiding these attacks from everyone. Only my private psychiatrist knew about them. And now I was having one in public. I started repeating my mantra to myself silently in my mind, 'I can get through this, I've had one before and I made it through then. I can get through this, I've had one before and I made it through then.'

"I went to Queensland Raceway to see you."

"What?" I turned towards her, my mantra forgotten.

"I've gone to every race of yours I could get to."

I wasn't sure if this was helping my attack or not. I was definitely being distracted but did it help knowing this?

"Why?" I asked. I decided it was definitely helping - my breathing was coming a little easier now.

"Because you were right. I never thought of it as a real career. I never thought you could make a living from it and I never went to a single race when we were together. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about."

I shook my head. "But why did you keep going?"

She laughed a little. "I found I actually enjoyed them. Especially with Jake, he was full of information and was patient with me as I learned the rules." She chuckled. "Actually he was surprised when he found out I used to date you - and a touch jealous."

Before I knew what was happening I was laughing in response to her honesty.

"Jealous of you or me?" I asked through my laughter.

"Jealous of me – I got grilled for three hours on what it was like to kiss you."

"I'm not sure whether to be offended or flattered."

"Be flattered – he's quite the catch."

I laughed again.

"Better?" she asked.

I nodded. "Thanks."

She put her arm around me, pulling me close to her side. I felt my forehead fall onto her shoulder and I breathed deeply. This worked even better than her talking. I raised my head and the pull called me into her lips again, but this time I resisted. I put my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes. I felt Bella's hands pushing headphones onto me and then I heard the sounds of classical music. I closed my eyes as Bella began to trace gentle lines over my face. I allowed the music, and Bella's touch, to calm me completely.

I didn't even realise that another hour had passed until I opened my eyes again. I felt more relaxed than I had in... well - ever. I pulled off the headphones and then smiled at Bella.

"Thank you, I'm all better now."

"What was that?"

"Nothing really - just a panic attack."

"Are they the reason you've been crashing out?"

I shook my head. "No, I've never had one while driving. They usually only hit at night when I can't sleep." _Or when I wake from dreams of you_.

"You suffer from insomnia?"

I nodded. "For a long time now."

She seemed to consider this information for a while. "Is that why you have a problem with gratuitous drug use?"

I shrugged and we fell into silence. But it was a comfortable silence this time. A little while later Bella spoke to me again.

"It really was nice running into you, Edward," Bella said. Her words reminded me that we only had half an hour left before the plane was due to land. She chuckled. "I never thought I would say those words."

"I still owe you that drink." I wasn't ready to give up my time with her just yet.

"Well, it'll be almost midnight when we land – why don't we catch up tomorrow?"

I nodded, but then I had a thought. "Where are you staying tonight?"

"I was just going to find a somewhere near the airport. My hotel room isn't ready until tomorrow."

"So you haven't booked anywhere yet?"

She shook her head.

"I have free use of the apartment – why don't you stay there tonight."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," she said.

"Come stay. Please?" I begged, pouting a little to get my point across. "I promise I'll keep as far away as you want me. I just want to know you'll be safe tonight. I wouldn't feel right letting you wander off into the night in a foreign country with nowhere to stay."

She pursed her lips together in thought. Then she nodded. "Okay, but only if we can change the drink to breakfast."

Finally the plane began its descent and I couldn't help thinking that this trip may just change my life after all.

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A/N – I am very interested to know how, or if, people's opinions of Edward have changed after this chapter?

**Read & review people, I love feedback :)**


	6. No complications

**Chapter 6: No complications**

_Characters (excluding original characters created for this story) are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. I don't own them. I do however own the storyline. Thanks to my beta (FE71SH) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

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After the plane landed, Bella picked up her belongings as I grabbed her carry-on for her. She quickly shoved everything into the bag with no rhyme or reason. Her hand hovered over the _Gossip Weekly _magazine, but she left it in the airplane seat pocket.

I put my cap and sunnies in my bag – I wouldn't really need them in London. I wouldn't be as recognised here because not many people followed the V8's. Besides, it was almost midnight so I'd look like a tool wearing them.

I carried both mine and Bella's bag off the plane. I wasn't going to risk her darting off on me and never seeing her again. We walked side by side as we went through the motions of customs and baggage collections and everything else. Finally, we emerged into the main terminal of a bustling Heathrow Airport. We found our way to the taxi ranks and waited a while before climbing into the first available Black Taxi. I gave the driver the address of Carlisle's apartment in Kensington. Bella was silent through all of this, but she never stopped chewing her lip. It felt like she had something she wanted to tell me but wasn't sure how to start. I decided if it was really important she would let me know when she was ready.

As we drove to the apartment, I became anxious to see what it looked like; suddenly dreading having asked Bella to come here without me seeing it first. Maybe it was a bachelor pad style apartment full of all the latest tricks for snaring the ladies. If so, would she believe it wasn't mine? Or maybe it was a shithole with rats and cockroaches. Truthfully, I couldn't see Carlisle owning anything that even remotely matched either of those descriptions, but the panic built anyway.

_Here goes nothing,_ I thought as the taxi pulled up in front of the building and I gave the driver my visa card for payment. As I looked around I smiled. It was all very Victorian looking. I was so used to the hustle and bustle of modern Sydney. I felt like I had stepped back in time.

I led Bella to the front door, my heart pounding in my chest. I tentatively turned the key and pushed open the door. It turned out all my fears where unwarranted. We walked up a short flight of stairs to the large open-plan living, dining and kitchen area. Although the apartment was long and narrow, there was a dramatic feeling of light and space, even in the black of night. Despite the Victorian facade, the inside was very modern. The kitchen was an expanse of stainless steel, including a giant island in the middle, and was filled with monstrous ovens and equipment that I decided would be best left alone by me, although the ice-maker on the fridge looked easy enough. So I had ice and water - the rest would have to be take-out.

The dining area led off from the kitchen, to the left of the living area. A large oak dining table with pews running down each side rested in the middle. The colour scheme of the whole apartment seemed to be based on a natural palette, a mix of dark hardwood floors and sea grass carpets. In the living area, a chocolate brown leather sofa and two plush beige linen armchairs clustered around the fireplace. Three large windows behind the sofa gave panoramic views of the cobblestone street below. On top of the fireplace, blending in almost seamlessly was a large flat-screen TV. An antique roll-top desk sat in the corner of the room, with a desktop computer and phone tucked inside.

The wall opposite the fireplace was lined with open bookshelves, covered in what appeared to be mostly first editions. There was a staircase opposite the kitchen which I assumed led up to the bedrooms and bathroom and a door next to the windows that looked to lead out onto the terrace.

"Wow!" was all Bella could say.

"You're not wrong," I replied. With the money I was on, and the team I belonged to, I was used to opulence. My own house was a 1.5 million dollar McMansion, but _this_ apartment, with its perfect blend of old world charm and modern technology, took my breath away. It felt like I'd come home at last.

"Who's place is this?" Bella asked, running her fingers along the stainless steel of the kitchen island.

"Carlisle Cullen's," I replied. "He's the one who made me take this trip."

"Why?"

"Can't you guess?" I raised one eyebrow and made the sound squealing brakes and a car crash.

She laughed. "Oh, I see. Well, at least he didn't just fire your ass."

"Don't worry, that's next if I don't get my shit sorted."

"What's to sort?" She asked, seeming genuinely confused.

"I don't fucking know – that's the hard part." I wasn't going to tell her that her face haunted me around the track and was what I always saw seconds before impact. I felt my face fall. A second passed, then two, and no one said anything more.

"Well -" she said, breaking the tension. "I'm going to take a shower and then try to get some sleep. I want to be off early in the morning to get settled into my hotel."

I nodded, I didn't want to think of Bella leaving just yet, but I didn't want to argue with her either. "I'll try to find you a towel."

I carried Bella's suitcase up the stairs. There were two bedrooms, one had a king-size bed, the other two singles. I put her suitcase on one of the single beds and then thought better of it. "Would you prefer the king-size tonight?"

"No, it's fine. You're the one staying here for your holiday. You may as well get settled as soon as possible."

I nodded again and left to hunt through the cupboards for a towel. As I searched, I heard Bella turn on the tap in the bathroom, but the door was shut when I passed so I didn't enter. The door for her bedroom stood open though, so I decided I would just leave the towel on the bed for her. The contents of her carry-on bag were scattered all over the bed and her suitcase was sitting open next to it all. Everything was mussed up in the suitcase, as if she had been looking for something. I didn't mean to look, but the call of the mess was too strong. My eyes flickered to the contents as I laid the towel on the bed.

_Holy fuck_!

I couldn't believe my eyes at first. There, resting pride of place on top of the messy mountain of clothes, was a vibrator. I hastily spun around to leave the room, my cheeks burning that I'd intruded on Bella's privacy so absolutely. I hadn't noticed the water stop in the bathroom or heard the footsteps in the hall but I collided with Bella in the doorway. She was clutching a shirt – I recognised it as the one she'd spilt coffee over on the plane.

"Hey, I was just rinsing this ag..." her voice trailed off as she took in my blush. Her eyes flicked over to her suitcase, and then it was her turn to blush. She walked over to the bed and flicked the top of her suitcase shut. Her eyes were closed and she left her hand resting on top of it. I could almost hear her willing the ground to open up and swallow her. It felt like something needed to happen to relieve the tension in the room or it just might kill us both.

"So how long are you over here for?" I asked, my brain choosing that exact second to find the situation hilarious, and infusing my voice with a smile.

She covered her face with her hands and groaned into them. But when she pulled them away it looked like she had a small smirk on her face. "A week."

"Wow, only a week?"

"I'm a woman, Edward. I do have needs." She was definitely smirking now – an absolute sex goddess.

"Needs that need to be met very regularly, I see."

"Well, it's not like I get regular opportunities like you."

I cast an appraising eye over her body. "I find it hard to believe you wouldn't get all the opportunities you wanted."

She smirked in response. "You'd be surprised. Besides, I've found it easier to make my own opportunities – that way I don't have the messy complications after the fact."

"What complications?" I asked. "If you really want it there's always someone willing to give you a bit of wham, bam, thank-you ma'am without the strings." I ran the words over in my head after they were out – was I honestly telling her she should go and screw a random stranger?

"There's always strings."

I shrugged. "Not in my experience." Which was plenty.

She narrowed her eyes at me, and then she shrugged back. "Maybe... I guess I've never investigated it that thoroughly. I've always been too busy with uni and Ph... stuff."

She grabbed a change of clothes and the towel I'd brought in and started to head towards me. I took that as an indicator she was ready for this conversation to be over.

"I'll, um, I'll be downstairs if you need me," I said.

She nodded as she slipped past. "I'll just shower and then head to bed."

My eyes gazed back over her suitcase. She blushed again.

I headed back downstairs, my brain spinning. I'd just told Bella to go fuck random guys. How on earth had we gotten onto that conversation? My suitcase was still by the kitchen and I knew it held a rather bountiful supply of duty-free alcohol. I opened it far enough to pull out a bottle of Chivas Regal and set about hunting down a glass in the expansive kitchen. Once I'd found one, I pushed the glass under the ice-maker, half filling it with ice. Then I poured a triple-shot of the scotch over the top.

I intended to enjoy the flavour, but once the glass was at my lips I tipped it all down my throat. I poured another, larger, one and took it with me over to the couch. I flicked on the TV but didn't pay attention to it. My mind was upstairs in the shower with Bella. I was remembering the time we had a shower together, in the hotel room. The feel of my hands running along her water-heated skin. The lather from the soap removing all the friction between our bodies. The taste of the water as I sucked it off her breasts. I was so fucking hard it was uncomfortable. I downed the second glass of Chivas.

I poured another glass, returned to the couch and turned the TV off. It was pointless noise at the moment. I tried to savour the taste of the scotch this time. Chivas Regal was not a drink designed to be skulled, but rather to be enjoyed.

I put the glass to my lips again and downed a small sip, my mind supplying me with images of drinking it off Bella's skin. I decided that I needed to make _opportunities_ of my own. Bella was still safely upstairs in the shower, and she said she was going straight to bed after.

I raised the glass again taking another, slightly larger, sip. I grabbed one of the ice-cubes into my mouth and rolled it around on my tongue, imagining I was swirling it around Bella's nipple. The cold focused my attention on my mouth, making it a little less noticeable that it was my own hand sliding up my thigh, making it easier to pretend it was Bella's. I popped the button and slowly slid down my zipper. I concentrated on the taste of the ice and alcohol in my mouth as I pushed my hand into my boxers. I thought of Bella under the shower, wet and glistening. The water in my mouth from the ice seemed to become infused with her flavour. I grabbed hold of myself and slid my hand along the length. This was my perfection. This was the sort of relief I'd sought with hundreds of nameless, faceless women. The sort of relief only fantasies of Bella could provide. I closed my eyes and leaned back into the chair, sinking further into my fantasy and sliding my hand up and down the length of my shaft, picturing Bella's hands, Bella's mouth. Just picturing Bella.

The ice was getting smaller in my mouth. I rolled it around one last time before swallowing the mouthful. I left my hand on my erection as I leaned forward with the other to grab the glass and another piece of ice. I opened my eyes to locate the table and met chocolate-brown eyes staring at me with wild amusement. Her amusement grew as I blushed brightly.

"Don't stop on my account," she laughed.

Holy fuck!

I quickly pulled my hand out of my boxers and zipped myself up. My erection was so painfully tight, seeking desperately for release but that would have to wait.

"Fuck - sorry Bella." I said, running my hand through my hair quickly and then downing the rest of the scotch.

She laughed. "I guess _everyone _has needs."

She had _no _fucking idea. Especially looking at her in the cami and pants set she was wearing. It was white cotton with small pink flowers all over it. She had no bra on and the white cotton was almost completely see-through. I could clearly make out her erect nipples. I wanted to put my mouth around those patches of material and make out _with_ her nipples. She wasn't wearing panties either and I could see the dark triangle between her thighs. As if I wasn't already hard enough.

"I just came to get a drink." She smiled – seeming completely oblivious to her lack of adequate coverage.

"You want some Chivas?" I croaked out, holding up my empty glass. _Fuck knows I need some more_.

"Sure, why not?"

I stood, my erection rubbing uncomfortably against my boxers and jeans. I tipped the ice from my glass into the sink and grabbed some fresh cubes. Then I grabbed another glass for Bella, put some ice in it and poured us each a double shot. My head was swimming, but I wasn't sure whether that was from the alcohol or from the lack of blood in my head. I turned to take Bella's drink to her but realised she had followed me to the kitchen.

"So..." Bella said when I handed her her glass.

"So?" I queried, finding it difficult to understand what she wanted to say. In fact, I was finding it difficult even staying upright.

"So you really think two people can just fuck with no complications?" She rolled the glass between her hands, sloshing the liquid and clinking the ice.

I shook my head slightly, confused why we were back on this topic. She'd ended it pretty abruptly upstairs. "Sure, I've done it before."

"And you'll do it again." I wasn't sure if it was a statement or a question.

"I guess." I wondered what her point was – was she going to have a go at me about sleeping around?

"Good." She smiled, then she held up her glass. "To fucking – with no complications."

She threw the drink back like a pro.

My glass sat untouched on the island in front of me. She put hers beside it. I tried to get my head around the conversation, but it just wouldn't work quite right.

Before I could register what was happening Bella's lips were on mine. She tasted like the alcohol and her tongue was cold from the ice in her drink.

I was asleep.

That was the best explanation for why Bella's tongue was pressing into my mouth and why her hands were tangled in my hair.

I had fallen asleep during my little fantasy and now my subconscious was torturing me. It was exquisite torture, but torture none-the-less; because tomorrow I would wake up and have to face Bella and try to drive the thoughts of this dream out of my mind.

But despite knowing I was going to pay for the dream in the morning, I ran with it. My hands found her hips and she moaned at my touch. An electric crackle ran up the length of my arm. Her hands pulled harder at my hair and she pushed her mouth closer to mine. I pushed my hand against the waistband of her pants and it slipped inside. Straight across the smooth, unpantied span of her ass. Fuck. My erection strained and ached, providing physical evidence that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't a dream. I broke the kiss off but my lips didn't move off her skin, tracing over her chin, onto her neck and down along her sternum until they found the material of Bella's cami. I pressed my mouth over her nipples over the top of the material, rubbing my tongue in small circles over the area, dragging the cotton around with it.

"Oh, fucking hell, Edward!" Bella moaned, but it dripped with pleasure.

I picked her up and put her onto the kitchen island and pushed myself between her legs. She yelped a little as the cold stainless steel hit her heated regions, but I pressed against her and she quietened. I grabbed my glass, taking a small mouthful of the amber liquid and then I met her mouth again. Out tongues twisted around each other, swapping the liquid back and forth as it trickled slowly down our throats until it was finally warm and I swallowed what was left. And, fuck, it tasted like Bella.

Then I grabbed an ice-cube and attacked the front of her cami again, forcing the ice-cube hard against her nipples with my teeth and tongue. Her already erect nipples tightened even further and she mewed with pleasure.

Her hands tugged at my shirt, unbuttoning it hurriedly. I shook it off, the alcohol haze I was suffering from was clearing and a Bella haze took it place. All I could see, hear, smell and taste was her. I was completely and utterly lost in her. How the fucking hell did I ever let her out of my life? I'd forgotten just how fucking good she was. How fucking tasty. How the sound of a moan or my name on her lips was almost enough to do me in without any form of touching.

Her hands ran up and down the length of my back excruciatingly slowly, until finally she circled them around to my front. She ran her hands over my chest, rubbing her fingers gently against my nipples before running them up the sides of my neck and into my hair. She yanked at my hair to push my mouth harder against her breasts. I alternated between my tongue and the ice cube on her nipples, drinking down the water as the ice melted. The cold cotton was the only barrier between me and perfection. I leaned back and pulled her cami off in one swift movement. She relinquished her grip on my head only at the last second but then reclaimed her purchase to guide me straight back to her breasts. I used my mouth on one and worked the other with my hand, pinching and rubbing and caressing in turn.

She leaned back and pushed her hips forward to make contact with mine. Her bottom slipped off the bench until I was holding her weight on my hips. I reached my hands down and slid her pants off, pressing my palm against her mound.

"Oh, god," she moaned again.

Her hands were at my waistband, tugging on the button and zipper on my jeans. I pushed Bella back up and onto the counter, pressing her backwards until she was lying on it. She squirmed a little at the cold but it warmed quickly on contact. My jeans dropped away as soon as her weight was off my hips.

I grabbed another small mouthful of scotch and another ice-cube. I kissed her thigh, rolling my tongue through the alcohol to taste her. I moved across to the other side and repeated the process. Then I pressed my tongue and mouth, dripping with the alcohol, against her entrance. I slid the ice-cube into position between my teeth and rubbed it, agonisingly slowly from the top of her mound right around to her asshole. I repeated this a few times until she was positively writhing underneath me. Then I swallowed everything that was in my mouth and proceeded to lick all the alcohol of her thighs and groin, using long, slow, thick movements.

"Holy fuck," she cried, her hands twisting into my hair as she forced me into the position she wanted. I pressed my tongue up inside her and she bucked. I ran my nose along her clitoris and she bucked again. I made a small circle around the area and then rubbed at her clit with the tip of my tongue until she was screaming underneath me.

Once I felt her orgasm slowing I pulled back to look at her. She was still a fucking goddess. Even more-so than when she was in high school – now she knew what to do and she had a more womanly figure. I noticed a new scar, I had them all memorised and knew where they all came from, this one ran across her stomach, near her pelvic bone. I wondered what sort of accident she'd had to get that. She sat and wrapped her arms around me, pressing her face into my neck and licking and sucking the spot there. I downed the rest of my scotch – no point it going to waste. And picked her up to head to the stairs. She was coming to bed with me tonight – no arguments.

As I climbed up the stairs with her she seemed to remember something. "Oh shit!" she shouted, almost causing me to drop her. "Is there a phone here I can use? I gotta ring mum before she worries."

I raised my eyebrow that she would think about that at a time like this, but shrugged. "I don't know if it is connected, but I saw one on the desk. You can try it."

"Thanks," - she kissed my mouth, dragging her lips along my bottom lip - "You go ahead, I'll be up shortly."

I heard her dial and then say, "Hi, Mum," so I assumed it worked. I tried not to listen as I climbed the stairs, but heard the occasional sentence, like, "how is she – is she eating?" and "put her on".

I walked up the rest of stairs, my head full of promises of better fucking tomorrows. Bella was back in my life. I knew now that she was the one thing I never knew I always wanted.

How could it get any better than this?


	7. A big effing complication

**Chapter 7****: A big effing complication**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! _

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I waited on the king-sized bed upstairs for a few minutes. I could hear Bella talking on the phone still. I heard her say, "Okay, sweetie, I'll talk to you later okay? Love you."

I expected her to be in the room almost instantly. But she wasn't. I waited a minute, then a few more, growing impatient. Just as I was about to go downstairs to check on Bella, she came into the bedroom with two glasses of scotch, wearing only a smile.

"You're fucking beautiful, Bella," I said, holding my arms out for her.

She put the glasses on the bedside table and climbed onto my lap. She opened her mouth and showed me the cube of ice that was already sitting there. She pushed me back onto the bed and pulled off my boxers. She wrapped her mouth around my erection, rubbing the cube of ice from the base to the tip with her tongue, repaying me for what happened downstairs. The contrast between the ice and the warm cavern of her mouth was fucking unbelievable. This was a hundred times better than my little fantasy earlier, a thousand.

She worked in long movements designed for pleasure but not release, trying to make my erection as large as possible. She fucking knew what she was doing alright. When she had decided I was as hard as I was going to get she began to climb up my body, dragging her teeth, tongue and the ice-cube over my skin. I grabbed at any part of her I could reach, her hair, her waist, my hands in constant movement along her.

She straddled over me and then pressed her lips to mine. She pushed the ice-cube into my mouth and I pushed it back against her. The heat and the cold fused with her taste and I was in heaven. She leaned backwards and I felt my erection slide straight into her warm, wet centre.

"Holy fuck, Bella," I cried, startled but oh so aroused. The feeling of being completely naked inside her was just as enjoyable as it had been last time. Her skin was soft and tender and warm. Utterly unlike the feel of a condom. Utterly fucking enjoyable, but I didn't want kids. "Shouldn't you wait until I get some protection on?"

"You usually wear one don't you?" she asked, but it sounded like she already knew the answer.

"Always."

"Then it doesn't matter. I've got a Mirena."

"A what?"

"Do you want all the gory details or do you want to keep going?" she asked, a look halfway between indignation and amusement on her face. She didn't wait for an answer.

"I just..." she raised herself off me and slid down again, "...oh fuck..." she bucked her hips, "...don't..." she twisted, shifting the angle, "...oh shit..." What was I saying? That's right, "...want kids."

She stopped moving. I wondered why she paused. I pulled my body up towards her, but her face gave away nothing. I kissed her neck and shoulders, trying to draw her attention back towards me. I sat up completely and pulled her hips against me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned her weight back away from me, giving over control to me. Her back was arched and her neck extended as she leaned back, tipping her head, allowing her erect nipples to point to the ceiling.

I was buried so deep inside her, but I wanted more. I slowly lifted each of her legs and rested them on my shoulders, then I gently lowered her torso to the ground and pressed over her, pinning her beneath me. I moved in long slow strokes, rubbing my pelvic bone deliberately along hers. She moaned with ecstasy underneath me. I grabbed her hips and angled even deeper, burying every inch of me into her and then slowly pulled out, almost all the way before pushing back down. I grabbed at her and kissed her greedily - wanting to get my fill but knowing it would never, ever be enough.

I pushed harder and faster until she was writhing in ecstasy again and then as she came her walls pressed hard against me, causing me to release too.

"Holy fucking hell!" I said as my body convulsed against hers. My arms gave way a little and I fell into her. She wrapped her arms and legs tightly around me and held me there.

The sensation of releasing inside her with no barriers was just fucking bizarre. More sticky and wet than I would have imaged, but somehow that made it all the more sexy. When I regained some control over my body I pushed myself up a little and looked at her. "So what's a Mirena?"

She laughed loudly at me, her body shaking against me – causing mine to quiver. I captured her mouth with mine and moved my tongue passionately against hers. _I love you_, my mind screamed. And I knew it was true. I was one hundred percent in love with Bella Swan. I just couldn't force my mouth to make the words. Not now. It would seem contrite - as if I were saying it out of some weird obligation because I'd just fucked her.

I stood and offered her my hand. I pulled her to her feet and then wrapped my arm around her, pulling her into a tight embrace. I let her scent wash over me and felt its calming effect.

"Thank heavens for fucking without complications," she said, "I _really_ needed that." She kissed my cheek and pulled out of the embrace, walked to her bedroom and closed the door behind her.

_What?_

My stomach sank quickly to my feet as I replayed what I could remember of our conversation in the kitchen in my mind. She'd asked me if I _could_ fuck without complications. She'd asked me if I would do it again. She _toasted_ to fucking without complications.

_Oh god._

No strings.

_Oh god._

Just fucking.

_Oh god._

I ran to the toilet and vomited up all the alcohol I had drank.

_Oh god._

I hurled again. My stomach was twisting. My heart began to palpitate and I felt the symptoms of my panic attacks washing over me. I couldn't do this here. Not now. I couldn't let her see how much she fucking affected me, not when there were no strings for her. I flushed the toilet and quickly rinsed out my mouth. I stood there a moment longer than necessary, gripping the sides of the sink, desperate for oxygen. Then I pushed myself forward, back towards the safety of the bedroom. Sanctuary. Where I could let go and let the panic take me away. Maybe this time it wouldn't let me come back. Maybe this time I would be lost forever. Holy fucking Heaven in Hell. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. Pressure constricted my chest. I couldn't walk. My knees buckled weakly beneath me. Fucking hell. I crawled the last of the distance, inch by agonising inch past her bedroom door. It was closed. Just like her fucking heart.

Finally, I was in the bedroom, but it smelled like sex and it smelled like Bella. I saw the two untouched glasses of Chivas in the corner. I crawled over to them, picking them up one at a time and downing them. I shrugged into a pair of pyjama pants and staggered back out of the room, my head spinning in vicious circles the whole time. I stumbled down the stairs, making sure not to make too much noise and disturb her. _Her_ - the fucking harpy that decided to completely fucking ruin my life. I wanted to be angry with her. To hate her. But I couldn't. Even now I couldn't hate her. She didn't know how madly in love with her I was. Fuck, I didn't know until a few minutes ago. I pushed myself into the kitchen, yanked the bottle of Chivas off the bench and slumped to the floor.

I drank deeply, straight from the bottle. I barely realised there were tears running down my cheeks. Whenever I felt the need to breath, I drank instead. I didn't even realise when I'd emptied the bottle, instead I continued to try to drain it further. I hugged it tightly to my chest and began to sob. Once that happened the full throes of the panic hit me.

I was going to die. It was a simple, inescapable fact.

My heart was going to stop beating any second because right now it was beating much too fast. I tried to breathe in, but all I got were wheezing gasps. I tried to stand. I didn't know where I was going to go but I fucking needed to get away from here. Away from her. I pulled myself up along the counter, desperate for something but I didn't know what. I took a tentative step away on my own but it was a big mistake. My head whirled from the alcohol I had just downed - easily over half a litre. My chest ached from my struggles to breath. I felt the floor slipping away underneath me and heard a loud smash, an instant before I felt my face impact on the hard floor.

* * *

My head was against the floor but it was too soft.

Much too soft... and my head pounded.

I raised my head a little and instantly regretted it. The pounding wasn't just inside my head, it ran down the length of my face too. Throbbing with agony. I tried to remember where I was. It didn't look right. What happened? The floor. The bottle. The drink. Oh fuck - Bella happened. I raised my hand to run it through my hair but I felt a slight tugging sensation against it. My other hand was wrapped in something warm, someone's hand maybe. I knew I would have to open my eyes to see where I was but I also knew that would allow reality in. And pain. With the throbbing headache I had, pain was sure to follow the light which would come when I opened my eyes.

I fluttered my eyes open for a second. Yep. Fucking light and then fucking pain.

"Oh, Edward, thank god." Bella's voice was beside me, yet all around me. It came from the side of the bed with the warm hand, not the tugging hand. It made my head throb again. And it made my heart throb with an agony ten thousand times worse than my head.

"What the fuck did you think you were doing?" Her voice held anger now. What was that fucking about?

I opened my eyes completely, trying my hardest to ignore the light and the pain and focus on Bella's face.

"Why did you go downstairs and drink the rest of that bottle? There was almost a whole fucking litre left."

I couldn't focus on her words, the room behind her was wrong. It was white, and expansive. I raised my head again, ignoring the throb and looked left and right.

"Where am I?" I asked, although my brain recognised the place on some level.

"You're in the fucking hospital. Where else would you be?"

I focused back on Bella's face, "Why?"

"Because you're an idiot?"

"No, I mean what for? What happened?"

"I went to bed last night and then about half an hour or so later I heard a god-awful crash. I went to see what it was and I fucking saw you there unconscious over a smashed, empty, bottle. I didn't even realise until after the ambulance came that you'd fucking cut your arm. They had to fucking pump your stomach because of the amount of crap you drank. Why would you do that?" Her voice sounded close to tears. It was the breaking point for me.

"I want to go home," I said softly. I didn't want to be in here anymore, with Bella pretending that she gave a fucking shit what happened to me. I didn't want to be in London. I just wanted to be home. I bit back tears, I wouldn't let her see that. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing what she had reduced me to.

She nodded, misunderstanding. "I'll see what I can get the doctors to do."

An hour, some painkillers, a little disgusting food and a lecture on the dangers of alcohol abuse later, I was released into Bella's care. Fucking hell. I wanted to be away from her right now. She hailed a taxi and gave the driver Carlisle's apartment address. She unlocked the front door - it was as if she fucking thought she owned the place.

I climbed up the first flight of stairs and walked straight over to the couch. I sat. I stared off into the distance, unsure what I was seeing, or what I wanted to see. Bella sat beside me, I wasn't sure if I wanted her to. No, I knew that I wanted her to - but I didn't _want_ to want her to. She didn't want me like that. She'd made that perfectly fucking clear last night. Fucking with no strings. Another nameless, faceless woman to add to my bedpost. Except Bella was never that. I never _wanted_ that of Bella. She was my one perfect woman, even if I didn't always know it.

_Fucking hell Masen_, I thought to myself. _You've cocked it up again._

She ran her fingers gently through my hair in what I was sure was supposed to be a comforting gesture. She seemed thoughtful for a while.

"Do you know what the worst thing about our break-up was?" she asked.

I shook my head. I didn't fucking want to have this conversation.

"That I lost my best friend too," - she sounded so sad - "for almost eleven years we hadn't gone more than what, two days, without talking to each other. And then all of a sudden you were gone, right when I needed you the most."

I nodded. I knew _exactly_ what she meant. I could still picture the first time I ever saw her. She was six and her family had just moved to Browns Plains. She was lanky and thin, with her hair in messy pigtails on either side of her head. She wore short shorts and an oversized t-shirt. She was terribly shy - I could tell by the way her eyes watched the ground in front of her instead of meeting anyone else's directly. But she was also incredibly stubborn and didn't want anyone to think they had gotten the better of her, so she held her chin up high. The contradiction struck me immediately, even if I didn't know what the word 'contradiction' meant at the time.

It was the first day of school and the class was playing tunnel-ball as a way of getting to know each other. I was selected as one of the team captains. I took in her appearance and clothing and figured her for a tomboy, so I picked her first for my team. The look of immediate relief that crossed her face enamoured me to her completely. I realised very quickly just how uncoordinated and bad at sports she was but from that day onwards, I always picked her first when I was a team captain.

Ever since that first meeting, we had been there for each other through everything. I even went shopping with her for her first bra because she'd been too embarrassed to ask her mother, Renee, to take her. Long before we dated, we would spend six hours a day at school together then we'd meet up at her place, or mine, and do homework together. We'd have dinner with our family and then call one another before bed, wishing each other goodnight.

Bella seemed as deep in thought as I was.

"You hungry?" she asked finally.

I shrugged. I guessed I was, my throat stung like a bitch and my stomach churned - the food they'd tried to force on me at the hospital just didn't cut it.

"I'll organise some takeout," she whispered.

I nodded.

She flicked through a phone book she'd found on the roll-top desk and found something, quickly ringing them and placing an order. I didn't care what she was ordering. I felt her sit back beside me.

"Did you want me to stay again tonight?" she asked. "To look after you?"

Did I? _Yes._ Should I? _No._ I shook my head. "You should probably check into your hotel if it's booked anyway."

"Okay, if you think so," she whispered. Then she bit her lip, deep in thought again. She took a deep breath, "Edward..."

She stopped. That's what drew my attention. If she'd kept talking I probably wouldn't have noticed, but she stopped. I turned towards her. "What?"

She sighed. "You know..." her voice trailed off.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "What is it?"

"Thank you - for last night, it's been a while for me."

"What's a while?" I asked. She had captured me with her eyes and I felt compelled to continue the conversation.

She looked off into the distance. "About two years. I was with Sam, Jake's brother, for a while but I just couldn't..." her voice trailed off. She took a deep breath. "I couldn't commit to him the way he wanted."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "Complications."

"How did you know about the condom thing?" It was a weird, random thought that came out before I'd managed to stifle it. But I knew she'd known – it wasn't a question when she'd said I always wore them.

"Lauren Mallory," she said as if that name explained everything.

"What?"

"You slept with her almost a year ago. She took great pride in telling me all about it, especially the little detail that you'd told her about condoms."

"Why?" I tried to remember Lauren. I vaguely remembered her face from school but I didn't remember anything more recent than that. It must have been evident on my face because Bella laughed.

"Yeah, I figured it was like that. Apparently, it was at a masked ball on New Year's Eve. She recognised you immediately because of your eyes. Such an odd colour green, not many people have truly dark emerald eyes like yours." Bella seemed to smile at something unseen, before shaking herself back to attention. "Anyway, apparently you fucked her in the cloak room. But not until you'd hunted through all the bags for a condom to do it, even though she swore she was on the pill."

I remembered now. I had no fucking idea I knew that chick. She was just another blonde. Just another screw. But one thing didn't make sense. "Why would she tell you all that? It's not like you're friends - or are you now?"

Bella shook her head. "No, we're not friends. She told me because..." - she stared at her hands for a second and then burst out in tears - "...because I... I... I tried to tell you... but..." her voice trailed off.

My arms were around her, comforting her, before I could even think about it. "Hey, now, what's wrong?" I asked, rubbing the tears from her eyes.

She shook her head and sobbed into me. "I wanted... I tried..." she was drawing deep gasps of air.

There was a knock on the door. Oh right, the food.

I unwrapped myself from Bella and grabbed my wallet. I realised I forgot to get any money converted. I opened the door. "Do you take visa?" I asked the delivery boy.

He shook his head. "Cash only, sorry."

"There're some pounds in my purse," Bella whispered. She was curled up into herself now. "It's on the counter."

I reached out to grab it, when suddenly Bella launched herself off the couch. "No, shit, Edward, stop."

She was inches from me, hand held out to grab her purse. But it was too late - I'd seen what she was trying to stop me from seeing.

In her purse, across from her driver's licence, was a photo of a young girl. It could have been Bella. She had Bella's face, Bella's nose, Bella's mouth and Bella's scraggly brown pig-tails on either side of her head.

It _could_ have been Bella.

Except for the eyes.

Not many people have truly dark emerald eyes.

Like mine.

I turned to stare at Bella's face. It was twisted into a mask of horror. She didn't want me to see this. She didn't want me to know. How the fuck could she keep this from me?

"Get out," I hissed, venomously. I was right in the first place, Bella "small town" Swan was fucking poison.

Bella looked terrified, tears ran down her cheeks and her eyes welled over with fresh ones.

"Get the fuck out of my life," I shouted. I pushed past her and stalked up the stairs. I couldn't deal with this now. I didn't know if I would ever be able to fucking deal with it. I slammed the door to my bedroom shut and collapsed against it.

I listened as she paid for whatever she had ordered and then walked slowly up the stairs. I could almost see her through the door as her footsteps paused in front of my door. Then they trailed into her room. A few minutes later, I heard them on the stairs again, along with a thudding that suggested she was dragging her suitcase behind her. My anger must have made my hearing more acute because I could have sworn I heard the sound of a key being dropped onto stainless steel counters and then the front door being pulled closed.

I couldn't believe I hadn't realised earlier. But then Bella had been very careful about keeping it hidden. I wondered if that's what last night was - a chance for another child, a perfect matching fucking pair. I felt my stomach heaving emptily. I'd fucked her with no protection against my fucking better judgement.

The worst thing was everything was crystal fucking clear now. The photo, the silences, the pauses, the strange half-completed words, the blow up about town scandals, Emmett's words at the airport, even the fucking scar. They all added up to one startling, fucking scary, conclusion. And that conclusion was Phoebe.

My fucking daughter.


	8. Regret

**Chapter 8: Regret**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! _

* * *

I had no idea how long I had sat with my back against the door and my hands tugging through my hair. It was dark when reality eventually started to creep back in, shifting the bitterness blackness that had taken up residence in my brain. As that left, regret filled its place. I stood and threw the door open, darting down the darkened staircase. I hoped that I'd heard everything wrong before, that Bella hadn't left after all. That she was sitting downstairs, at the dining table or on the couch. I pictured her like that, suitcase in front of her, tears in her eyes – but _there_. Ready to shout at me for being an ass, or plead with me to understand – but _there_. But my hopes were dashed when I hit the bottom of the stairs, it was too dark and too quiet.

I turned on the kitchen light and saw the key sitting on the kitchen island. A piece of paper sat next to it. I grabbed at it – hoping it was a hotel name or phone number, or something - anything - that would help me to contact Bella. As I pulled the paper off the bench, a photo fluttered to the floor – no not _a_ photo, _the_ photo. Of Phoebe. I was caught again by the oddity of my green eyes staring out from a miniature Bella. I grabbed my wallet and tucked the photo safely away inside it. Then I turned my attention to the piece of paper. It looked blank at first but then I noticed two words, 'I'm Sorry', in small, fine print along the bottom edge – the ink splotched and leeching into the paper around it, making it difficult to read. She'd obviously been crying when she wrote it.

I read the words again. _She_ was sorry? I had fucking ignored her for years and _she_ was sorry. I was the one who kicked her out onto the street in a fucking foreign country and _she_ was sorry. My mouth went dry as I pictured that image. Bella alone on the streets of London, dragging her suitcase behind her, tears streaming down her face. Any one of a hundred horrific situations could have happened to her. I leaned over the kitchen island, not to think about those. Trying instead to think about where she would go – she had said she had a hotel room, but she'd never mentioned where. She'd said something about being here to check out some law firm to work for, but I couldn't fucking remember its name. I'd been a self-obsessed dick as usual – too fucking interested in my own issues to even fucking pay an ounce of attention to her, other than to fuck her like the dick I was. No fucking strings? Bullshit! I'd say this constituted a pretty major fucking string. I wanted to leave the house and run. I wanted to scour every inch of London until I found her and spoke to her, but I knew it was pointless. She could be anywhere and I didn't know London.

I was lost. I had no way of contacting her. She was lost. _Think! Fucking think! _How could I contact her? _Her mum - _she'd know where she was. Bella had called her last night, I thought that maybe the number would be on redial. _Shit! _Bella had used the phone twice since then. For the ambulance and the food.

I turned on the computer. If the apartment had a phone it had to have the internet too right? _Fucking wrong! Damn._

I decided, as much of a long shot as it might be, I would try Bella's childhood phone number. Those digits were so deeply ingrained into my brain from years of dialling I would remember them for the rest of my life, but I had no idea if Bella's parents had moved or not in the four years since I left town. Again, I was reminded just how fucking little I knew about any of the people who I had once been close to. I'd fucking alienated myself from everyone. In fact, I couldn't remember speaking to Ben at all after the fucking formal – and he'd been my best friend, besides Bella.

I picked up the phone and dialled the number. Fuck. All I got was a recorded message in a high-pitched voice that the phone number had been disconnected. I hung up the phone. I _needed _to find Bella. Now. I could feel my anxiety shooting through the roof. I would have another fucking panic attack any second, and I didn't think I would be able to survive one in my current fucking state. And if _anything_ happened to Bella I would hold myself personally responsible.

There was only one other number I could possibly ring. It was by far the biggest long shot, but it was the only other number I had. _My _childhood home. My mum answered the phone on the third ring. She heard the tone to indicate it was an international call and sounded confused as she said, "Hello?"

"Hi, Mum."

"Edward?"

"Who else would be calling you _mum_?"

"Sorry, it's just odd getting a call from you."

"Actually, I was calling to ask a question..." I hesitated. How did I ask this without sounding like a complete fucking lunatic?

"What is it, Edward?" She sounded worried.

I sighed. "Do you have Renee Swan's phone number?"

I thought I heard something being dropped in the background. "Why?" Her voice was low and harsh.

"I need to speak to her."

"About?"

"About Bella."

"Edward, what's going on?"

What was this? The fucking Spanish inquisition? I decided to answer with as much of the truth as I thought I could handle. Which wasn't much. I still didn't know if my mouth would work if I tried to form the word daughter. Fucking daughter! Not even a baby but a ready-grown fucking daughter – I tried to do the math to figure out how old she would be but my brain just wouldn't fucking work. I wondered if someone had permanently disconnected the fucking thing. My mother was still waiting for an answer.

"I ran into Bella and got some_ news_. I was a fucking dick to her and I need to find her but I have no fucking idea where to start. I'm hoping Renee might be able to give me a fucking clue."

"Edward," Mum admonished, I thought I was going to get a lecture about swearing – god knows it wouldn't be the first - so I was surprised with her next words. "As if that poor girl hasn't had it hard enough. You have to go and make things worse."

"What do you fucking know about what Bella's been going through?" I asked harshly. How the hell was I going to explain to my parents about my fucking child?

"A whole lot more than you do, I'd be willing to bet. God help me Edward, if you've hurt her..."

As soon as her words hit my brain it decided to kick in, with a painful thud as it recognised the truth in her words. "You knew?"

She sighed. Then whispered, "Yes."

"You fucking _knew _and you never fucking told me?"

"It's a bit more complicated than you make it sound."

"Well un-fucking-complicate it then and tell me why you didn't fucking feel the need to tell me I have a fucking kid running around."

"I promised Bella I wouldn't."

"When?" I was trying very, very hard to keep myself together. It really wasn't working.

"What?"

"_When_ did you promise Bella you wouldn't tell me?"

"When Bella first told me she was pregnant. She came to me and told me everything. Then she begged me not to tell you – she wanted to do it personally. She was actually excited about telling you. She was never stupid enough to think it would change anything, but she was so happy. And then you wouldn't take her calls and day by day I saw her heart break. And then..." she paused, and took a deep breath to calm herself. "Well, I don't know if you'll ever really comprehend just how much you hurt her."

"Why didn't you fucking tell me? Didn't you think I had a fucking right to know?" I asked again, trying to be demanding but my voice just didn't have any volume.

"After I realised you weren't going to talk to Bella I told myself I would tell you the next time you asked about her. But you never did. You never even rang me. Bella brought Phoebe around to see me at least once a week and I didn't even get a phone call from you." It sounded like she was in tears.

"I called," I argued, but it sounded weak even in my own ears because honestly I _couldn't_ remember calling her. _Had I?_ Surely in four years I'd called once? I remembered emails and texts but I couldn't recall ever picking up the phone and calling my parents.

"No," Mum argued. "In the four years you've been gone the only time I spoke to you was if I called you – and then I was usually off the phone again within five minutes."

"So you've met her?" I felt hollow.

"Yes. Like I said, Bella brings her around regularly – she wanted to make sure I had a chance to get to know Phoebe."

I didn't want to fucking talk about it anymore. My heart was both in my throat and my feet at the same time. My head and face were starting to pound which was probably a good fucking reminder to take some pain medication for the fucking bruises that now lined my face.

"Whatever. Did you have the fucking number or not?"

She rattled it off from memory. I hastily wrote it down.

"Don't hurt her again, Edward." It almost sounded like she was begging.

"I think it's too late for that," I whispered as I hung up the phone.

I picked up the receiver again. I knew this next call was going to be even worse than the last.

"Hello?" Fucking hell – why was Emmet there? Wasn't he married now? Shouldn't he be out fucking living in his own fucking house? I knew I couldn't speak to him about Bella – he would probably find some way of reaching down the phone to kill me. Not that I didn't fucking deserve it.

"Would Renee Swan be available please?" I hoped he wouldn't recognise my voice. But of course I was too well known by him, both personally and professionally, that despite the intervening years he recognised it.

I could tell by the new edge to his own voice. "No, sorry she's out for the day."

"Can you help me then?" I said quickly, desperately, I could tell he was getting ready to hang up the phone.

"No, fucker, I don't think _anyone_ can fucking help you." The phone clicked and then beeped – he'd hung up on me. Shit!

I picked up the phone and dialled again.

"Hello?" Emmett said but there was no joviality in his voice this time – he knew it was me again.

"I need to find her, Emmett."

"No – you need to leave her alone, fuckhead. You've done enough fucking damage."

The phone clicked again. I dialled for the third time. I didn't wait for him to say hello.

"Look, I feel pretty shitty about all of this. I just need to fucking know that she's safe."

"She's safe," said a female voice that I didn't recognise – it was almost soft and caring. Then the phone went dead again.

I wasn't sure if my frustration or defeat was winning when I dialled the number again.

"Please, I just need to speak to her. Tell me the hotel she's at. Anything?" The defeat - and the tears - climbed to the top for the moment.

It was the female voice again. She paused, "I...I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because Bella asked me not to."

_What? _"You spoke to her?"

"I told you she was safe didn't I – do you think I was fucking lying?" _Now_ I recognised the voice, Rosalie, and the bitch was back.

"Look, I know I fucked up by throwing her out like I did. I know it was a dick move. I fucking know all of that. But it was a bit of a fucking shock to find out that shit like I did."

Rosalie chuckled slightly. "Yeah. Although in her defence she did try to tell you earlier. A lot."

"I know," I whispered. "I just wish she'd tried harder."

"How?" Rosalie snapped. "A fucking gift basket with 'Congrats, Daddy' written on it?"

"I don't fucking know, alright?" I shouted. "But she should have found some fucking way to tell me."

I was greeted by a beat of silence. I was sure the click and tone of a hang up were about to follow. I calmed myself down as best I could but my frustration was taking over dominance.

"If you won't tell me where she is, can you do me a favour – can you please tell her how fucking sorry I am and let her know I'm ready to listen."

"What if she's not ready to talk anymore?"

"Then I'll wait."

I was about to hang up when I heard a small voice. "I wanna talk to mummy."

"It's not mummy, sweetheart," Rosalie responded to the little girl.

"I wanna _t-alk_," the voice became demanding and whiny.

My heart hammered in my chest. That was her – that was my daughter. "Can I speak to her?" I asked tentatively – not knowing what the fuck to say to a child but knowing that I absolutely fucking had to.

"No. I don't think that would be best right now."

"I have a right you know!"

"Actually – you don't."

"What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You need to talk to Bella about that."

I growled. "I'm fucking _trying _to talk to Bella."

"I'll let her know that you called. But if you call again, we will regard it as harassment. I'm sure Charlie will be more than willing to have his mates press charges, or something."

Charlie was a prison warden at Wacol. He knew plenty of cops, and just as many criminals.

She hung up.

_Fuck! _I was no fucking closer to finding Bella than I had been before all those fucking phone calls. I didn't feel better about anything either - if anything I felt even fucking worse now. _My own fucking mother had known_. My mother had known _and kept it from me_. Because I was too much of a fucking dick to give two shits about anyone but me.

_My life is just fucking perfect right now isn't it? _It was dark, I was fucking hungry, my brain was dancing a fucking conga against my fucking skull and I still didn't have a fucking clue where Bella could be. But at least I knew she was safe.

I grabbed the rest of the duty-free that was still sitting in my suitcase that was resting by the kitchen. I had another bottle of Chivas although I wasn't sure I wanted to fucking touch _that_ yet, but there was also a bottle of Absolut. I preferred my vodka chilled so I opened the fridge to put it in, planning to drink as much as I fucking could later. I was fucking surprised by what I saw in there though. Bella had ordered enough take-out - Indian curries - to get me through about four fucking days, all in individual containers. She'd left it all there, nicely in the fridge waiting for me, despite me throwing her onto the fucking street. Could I possibly hate myself more?

_Fucking fuck!_

I risked Rosalie's ire, and Charlie's possible punishment, and made one more phone call Bella's mother's house.

"Hello?" It was Rosalie again.

"Please." My voice was laced with the tears that had sprung to my eyes and were running uninvited down my cheek. "Please. I need to speak to her."

There was a pause and the phone was being handed to someone else. Fuck – I knew Emmett was going to fucking threaten to rip my balls of or something. Well fuck him. There was nothing he could fucking say to me that could make me feel any worse than I already did right now.

Then I realised I was wrong, and Rosalie had misunderstood. All it took for me to make that realisation was one small word in a small fucking voice. "Hello."

That was my fucking daughter. On the phone. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. How did I fucking deal with this? _My breathing hitched. More tears flowed and I squeezed out, "Hello?"

"You're not Mummy. Who are you?"

Fuck. How the fucking hell was I supposed to answer that. "I'm just a friend of your Mummy. My name's Edward."

"I'm Phoebe Castor Swan."

"Nice to talk to you, Phoebe Castor Swan." I was surprised she could hear me over the beating of my heart. "How old are you?"

"I'm three and on my next birthday I'll be four, and I'll have a yellow birthday party with a yellow chocolate cake and my friends will be coming to my house."

"That sounds good."

"It's time to go now, sweetie. Say goodbye." I heard Rosalie's voice say.

"Okay, bye-bye, see you later."

I hung up the phone and sat to the floor. That was _my_ _fucking daughter_. Holy shit!

I knew in that instant no matter what else happened, my life was irreversibly changed. I was a father now. A fucking father. Nothing could change that. I would always be a father. Now I just needed to figure out if I was ready to be a Dad.

I thought about the photo that was sitting in my wallet and the voice over the phone line. Two pieces of irrefutable evidence that she was real. That she existed. What a fucked up ride the last few days had been. If the trip to London had done nothing else, it helped to confirm in my own mind just how fucked up I really was – much more than I ever admitted to anyone. I grabbed some of the painkillers the hospital had given me, washed them down with a mouthful of vodka and threw one of the meals into the microwave. I had no idea how to work the damn thing so the food was hot and cold in different patches but it was edible. I wondered if it was just pot luck that Bella had ordered a beef vindaloo – one of my favourites.

After finishing the food, I grabbed the bottle of vodka and headed up to bed. I figured at least there I wouldn't have far to fall if I drank myself silly. As soon as I hit the bedroom the events of the previous twenty-four hours crashed down on me - hard - and I couldn't breathe. I skulled as much of the vodka as I could and took another painkiller. Then I closed my eyes and let the panic take me away, stealing my breath and exploding my heart. Maybe if it didn't bring me back, I wouldn't have to deal with any of the shit.

The last thoughts I had before unconsciousness took me was that I was fucked up. Too fucked up to inflict myself on an innocent child. She didn't deserve to be stuck with a fuck up like me in her life in any capacity. She deserved better than that – she deserved Bella. Bella could do this a hundred times better without me. A thousand. I decided I would call the airline first thing in the morning and book my return flight. There was no fucking point staying here any longer. There was nothing here for me.

Then I blacked out.


	9. Wakeup call

**Chapter 9: Wakeup call**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! _

* * *

_Bella stood in front of me, her face was lined with tears. She held her hand protectively over her stomach. She eyes were downcast, staring at my feet. I followed her line of sight and saw a gaping chasm between us. As soon as I saw it, the distance seemed to grow exponentially until I could barely see her features anymore. Except her eyes – they were clear as day to me. _

_"Bella, I want to talk to you," I shouted to her. "Is there any way to cross?" I couldn't look for myself, I was completely immobile. _

_She shook her head. _

_"Please, Bella? I need to make this right."_

_She raised her eyes and they locked onto mine. I expected to see them full of pain, or anger, or something. But they were dead. Flat lifeless pools of darkened brown stared at me. I cried out in strangled agony. _

_"Please, Bella! I need to talk to you!"_

_She shook her head and then turned away, walking slowly into the distance._

_"Come back."_

_She stopped but didn't look back at me. _

_"Please?"_

_She shook her head slightly._

_"I love you."_

_She turned back towards me and opened her mouth to speak but all that came was a shrill ringing._

I opened my eyes. Just a fucking dream. But the ringing continued.

I sat up in bed, and fucking regretted it at once. My fucking head was pounding. I didn't know if it was because I needed more painkillers for the bruising on my face or if it was a result of the...oh fuck... _bottle_ of vodka I drank last night. I really couldn't start with that shit again. I would need to stop drinking.

The ringing continued. I wondered what the fuck it could be. I shook my head to try to clear some of the cobwebs and cottonwool that seemed to have taken up residence overnight. What the fuck _was_ that ringing.

I climbed - fell - out of bed and staggered towards the stairs. Whatever the fuck that ringing was it was coming from downstairs. I held tightly onto the railing, my head was spinning much too much. Then I realised. Oh – the fucking phone. That's what was ringing. But who the fuck had this number. I debated ignoring it, but it had been ringing persistently for a while now. I walked over to it and stared at it for a few seconds. Daring it to stop ringing before I could pick it up.

"Hello?" my voice sounded like I had drank a whole fucking bottle of bleach – I guess a bottle of vodka probably wasn't far off that.

"Edward." I recognised Carlisle's voice of calm authority immediately. _Fuck. _I really didn't want to talk to him while I had the hang-over from hell and my face throbbed.

"Carlisle." I responded. I couldn't think of anything more appropriate to say.

"I trust you had a productive flight."

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Productive flight – not safe flight, not easy flight, fucking _productive _flight. Who the fuck talks like that – oh yeah, fucking multi-billionaire team bosses obviously do. Who the fuck was I, the hired fucking wheel man, to argue?

"It was very interesting," I countered.

"How are you going with our little agreement? Are you getting yourself together?"

_Fuck no,_ _I'm more fucking shaken apart now than I have ever been in my entire fucking existence and I don't know which fucking way is up anymore_. "Sure, or at least, I'm working on it."

"I just wanted to let you know we've decided to run you in the new car this year, so I'll need you back a month early for fitment and testing."

Fuck me. The _new_ fucking car. He was really hanging his balls out on this one – actually no, fuck it - he was hanging _my_ balls out there. "Why?" I squeezed out – I really shouldn't have felt terrified about it should I? _Fuck me._

"Jasper's stoked with the way his car has been running lately and wanted to stay in it. And I decided it was more beneficial to pump funds into the new car than to repairs yours after Bathurst."

_Fuck me. _"So when do you need me back?"

"January. So get your shit together by then."

"Uh huh." _Fuck me._

I hung up the phone and grabbed some more painkillers. I washed them down with water this time. Thank fuck for that fall yesterday because normal panadol wouldn't have done shit all for the fucking roaring ache in my head. After the had pain lulled to a dull throb I realised I was famished again. I wondered if it was too early in the morning for curry, but then figured fuck it because there was nothing else in the apartment. I'd have to go get some normal fucking groceries soon if I was going to stay. And that was the kicker, despite my moment of 'clarity' last night I couldn't fucking decide whether to stay or go. I mean, if I stayed I could only fucking hope that Rosalie spoke to Bella and that by some fucking miracle she could convince her to come talk to me. I still didn't know whether I wanted to inflict my fuckedupperiness on Phoebe but I did know that I wanted to talk to Bella. I wanted to know what the fuck happened. Everyone seemed to hint about there being more to the story but everyone told me to fucking ask Bella. Too bad fucking Bella is the one person in the fucking world that I couldn't fucking find.

I heated the curry in the microwave for longer than the previous night – now none of it was cold like last night. Instead it varied from lukewarm to hot enough to burn your motherfucking mouth off. I'd really have to fucking learn how to use that shit properly if I was staying. Fucking _if_.

I tried to remember what Bella had said on the plane – how long she was i London for. Then I remembered she'd said a week but it wasn't on the plane that she told me. It was while she was standing over her fucking vibrator. Oh god, the thought of her using that on herself took over my mind and made me instantly fucking hard. I could picture her hand sliding it in and out of her body. Her moans getting louder with each thrust. Her other hand massaging around her breasts or her clit. Her mouth screaming my name as her orgasm took her away. _Well, a boy can fucking dream can't he. _Had it really been just a little over thirty-six hours ago that we'd had that conversation? My whole fucking world was different then.

My mind was rebelling. _Fuck what was I trying to work out_? That's right - how long she was here for and how long I wanted to say. She was staying for a week. I jumped on the phone and booked my return flight. If Bella was only there for a week, I wasn't going to stay a day longer than that. I figured Carlisle would probably be pissed that I used his fucking expensive ass seats for a week holiday but I couldn't give a flying fuck. I was doing what he told me to do – I was fucking getting over myself. I was getting this fucking shit out of my head so I could race. Or at least I was fucking trying to.

I ran upstairs. I could still detect the lingering presence of Bella in the bedroom. I wanted to lie on the floor where I had fucked her and relive the images but I fucking needed a shower. I hadn't had one in too fucking long. I went to the bathroom and turned on the water. Bella was the last fucking one in here. I could picture her naked body again. She would have been all wet and hot from the steam. I could almost see her sliding her hands up into her hair to brush the water off her face. _Fuck me_. I shouldn't be thinking about her like that. This trip wasn't supposed to go this fucking way. I was supposed to get Bella _out_ of my head – not lodged even more permanently inside it. I stood under the water as the images filled my head again. I couldn't stop my hand making a quick downstairs visit. I fucking needed relief. I needed to think clearly and as long as my cock in charge I wouldn't be able to. I stroked up and down quickly – I needed relief not love. I didn't need to try to fantasise – Bella was already there. I saw her as she had been the other night, lying on the floor underneath me, her legs wrapped around my neck. _Oh fuck_. I leaned against the bathroom wall as my orgasm hit me painfully. _Fuck!_

I climbed out of the shower and dried myself off. I looked at myself in the mirror – it was the first time I had since before getting on the fucking plane. Fuck I was fucked up. I still had the black eye – although it was more yellow and brown now. But along the right side of my head was a long deep black bruise from where I had impacted on the floor and passed out. I shuddered to think what the fuck would have happened to me if Bella hadn't been here. Especially with the cut on my arm. I looked at it. Fucking five stiches. I looked at myself in the mirror again, meeting my own eyes. I saw Phoebe's face staring back at me. Did she deserve this sort of fucked up father?

I decided I was going to go out and face the fucking world. If I hid away in the apartment, I would go fucking crazy. I would drink the other bottle of Chivas, and I couldn't go back to that. I couldn't return to that fucking lifestyle. I _wouldn't_. I wouldn't submit to it and live like I did just after I joined the team – between the November I arrived and the February before the first race of the season. Now _that_ was fucked up. I was only lucky that Carlisle never found out about that how badly I had fucked things up then. If he had I knew I wouldn't be on the fucking team now. I was fucking thankful that I was just driving production cars then – their drug testing wasn't nearly as rigorous and pre-season activities were much more limited.

* * *

"Come-on squirt," Jasper called – he'd been calling me that ever since I had joined the team. He was only a fucking few years older than me but because he was already in the V8 and I was just a fucking production car driver he thought he was king shit. Truthfully - he was. That was the ranking in the team. Jasper was _it_. He couldn't shit without fifteen people knowing about it. Me on the other hand...I got to skulk around doing whatever fucking shit I wanted. So long as I was in the car on race-day – and ideally on podium at the end - I was left alone. But I wanted what he had. The thrill of the fucking V8, the roar of the engine, the bonus money for every win and the fucking women.

In fact, he had three of them hanging off him right now as we left the strip club. A fucking strip club. I wasn't even eighteen and he had dragged me along with him all night – none of the bouncers queried him. It was 3am and Jasper was taking the girls back to his apartment – he'd try for all three before settling for the one or two that would do the dirtiest things to him and then I would get the off-cast. He told me he was doing it as a favour for me – that I needed to be fucked properly because I hadn't been with anyone since joining the team. He didn't know it but I actually hadn't been with anyone since my one night with Bella two months previous. The truth was I wasn't sure that I wanted to be with anyone. To make things worse Bella had been calling me constantly since I moved to Sydney. It was all I could do to ignore her. A big part of me wanted to call her back and beg for forgiveness, but she deserved more than I could ever give her. She was due to start uni around the same time that the racing season kicked off so it would never work. I was better off not calling her. Calling her would start me down the slippery slope of getting back together with her.

Jasper called out to me again and I was brought back to the night – to the strippers and the booze. My head was spinning with whatever fucking alcohol he'd been funnelling down my throat all night. It was the first time I'd ever been drunk. Like really fucking smashed off my face drunk. I couldn't even tell you what the fucking strippers looked like I was that fucking wasted.

We stumbled into a maxi taxi. Then he decided which ones he wanted and they started going for it then and there. I tried to look away as he pressed his hands against the breast of one of the strippers as the girls kissed each other but I had to admit it was fucking making me hot. The girl who sat next to me looked a bit more timid, a bit younger. I smiled shyly at her in apology for the way Jasper was acting. As soon as we got back to his place he disappeared into the bedroom with the two girls, only to come out minutes later and grab a can of instant whipped cream and a bottle of chocolate sauce from the fridge. He threw a couple of condoms at me and winked.

I sat next to the girl he had graciously 'thrown my way' as he fucking put it, and wasn't sure what to do. The moans and sounds of sex had started from the bedroom and I was fucking hard as a rock but I didn't want to do anything the girl didn't want. Especially when I didn't even know if _I_ wanted it.

"Is there another bedroom?" she whispered in my ear.

I nodded and pointed in the direction of Jasper's guest bedroom.

"Let's go then."

I allowed her to pull me to my feet. Once we reached the bedroom, she pushed me down onto the bed. She grabbed something out of her purse and put it into her mouth. Then she climbed over onto me, straddling my waist and kissed my mouth deeply. I felt her tongue push a small tablet into my mouth but before I could protest or ask what it was it was gone. Washed down my fucking throat. She started to grind against my hips and I was distracted. As she rode against me she slowly peeled her shirt off to reveal a lace and diamante bra. She grabbed my hands from the bed, where they were lying prostrate, and pressed them into her breasts. I massaged in small circles around her breasts and she tipped her head back and moaned a little. I slid my hand around to her back and unfastened her bra. Quickest hands in the west I was – I'd taken off Bella's bra more than enough times to have perfected it to a fucking art-form.

She leaned over and dropped the tip of one of her breasts into my mouth. I took it in as deep as I could and started to lick and suck at it. But it felt wrong because it wasn't like Bella's. It didn't fit the same way, or feel or taste the same. It just wasn't what it was supposed to be like. I tried to push her off but whatever she had given me started to take effect on top of the alcohol and I felt dizzy and woozy and wanted to be fucking sick. Obviously she'd taken one herself too because her eyes started to come over glassy and she started to giggle. She pulled my pants down just far enough to pull out my dick and then she pushed a condom over it. She pushed her panties to the side and slid over the top of me. And ljust ike that I was fucking someone else. Someone who wasn't Bella. But that's all it was – fucking.

I watched as this complete fucking stranger bounce on top of me and although my balls grew tighter and tighter until they finally released I felt nothing in my mind. It was fucked-up, pure and simple. My head was spinning and even though Bella and I had broken up I still felt like I was cheating on her as the fucking whore straddled me and licked my face and made me come. Once I was done, she slid the condom off and took me into her mouth to lick me clean. That was too much for me to fucking stand.

"Fuck off," I said to her, pushing her head away.

"What?"

"I said _fuck off,_ slut."

She looked shocked. Then she fucking went nuts. She was on top of me beating me with her fists. I endured it for a few seconds before I went crazy myself. Whatever it was that she had given me had completely stopped every fucking thought in my head and I just wanted her the fuck off me. I grabbed her arms roughly and pushed her off me, then pulled myself to a sitting position. She came at me again, swinging her arms wildly. I pushed her again, harder this time. She smashed into the wall with a thud. She stared madly at me for a number of seconds and then spat in my direction.

"Fuck you, asshole."

There are only certain things I remember of the three months after that. I remembered the races, the track tests and the days I was in at the team offices but my days off were a fucking blur of alcohol, bongs, pills and women. All of the trysts ended the same way. Me having my fill, not giving a shit about what the bitches wanted and then angrily throwing the women out. In my mind it was always their fault that I threw them out because they weren't Bella. That fact alone was enough to piss me off.

Alice had been the one to help me wake up to myself. It was just as I was starting to slip even further into the clutches of the drugs and alcohol. When I was at the true crossroads between straightening up and fucking up.

I actually turned up to work stoned. Carlisle would have had my ass ripped to pieces if he'd seen me. The one thing he demanded was clean drivers. Alice had grabbed me just as I was about to walk into the offices.

"Edward!" she called. I didn't even know she knew my name – she was the strategist for the V8's, not my class. We'd probably had four conversations in total since I started.

"What?" I snapped at her.

"You go in there," she pointed to the offices, "like that," she pointed to my eyes, "you will be given your marching orders quick smart."

"What does it fucking matter to you?"

"It matters because you're fucking talented. You'll be a fantastic driver one day and I would love to work with you on the team. In fact, I'd be willing to bet it will be sooner rather than later that you are given a chance in a Supercar. But that will never happen if you get kicked off the team. You think anyone else wants to touch Carlisle's trash? You fuck up here – you're fucked everywhere."

I shrugged.

She wasn't buying it. And she squared up her four foot five frame and somehow managed to be fucking intimidating as she stared into my eyes. "Why'd you come here?"

"To race. Why the fuck else would I come?"

"Go home – get yourself sorted and come back in tomorrow clean. And then get off the fucking drugs for good," she paused for a second to let her advice sink in. "If you don't, I will tell Carlisle what you've been doing in your spare time."

"And how the fuck would you know what I've been doing."

"Jasper."

Oh right – I'd forgotten that she'd straightened him out a month prior and they'd been fucking each other exclusively ever since. Honestly, I could threaten to expose _them_ to Carlisle but it wasn't worth making enemies – especially when she was just trying to look out for me.

"Fucking, whatever," I said, but I still took her advice and turned away.

"Oh, and Edward?" She called after me.

"What?"

"Give him a call," she handed me a card for a fucking shrink - Dr Laurent, "he's discreet and it won't get back to Carlisle."

* * *

I hadn't stopped drinking completely but I'd never touched illegal drugs since. Since that day, I had known it was a fucking fine line for me to end up back there whenever my life went to shit. Drinking whole bottles of alcohol in one fucking night was a damn scary start.

I grabbed the apartment key and my wallet, taking a second to glance at the photo that now resided in there and swept out of the apartment unsure what to expect of the rest of my day. Unsure what to expect from the rest of my fucking life.

**

* * *

**

A/N – I will have a BPOV scene for reviewers of this chappie – it will also be historical (but not based during the timeline of this chapter per say).


	10. London

**Chapter 10****: London**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! _

* * *

Four days I'd been alone in London.

Four fucking days.

For four days I'd been petrified to venture any further than the corner store half a kilometre from the apartment. I was terrified that the one time I ventured any further than that would be the time Bella chose to visit me. Although, honestly, it was pretty fucking clear to me that she wasn't coming. Four days of absence and silence had shown me that.

I was due to fly out in two days and I had absolutely no clue what the fuck I was going to do. I'd debated going back to Browns Plains to confront her, but that would take me into the lion's den. I'd have to deal with too many fucking crazy people who are all kinds of pissed at me. Not that I blamed them, I just don't want to deal with them. Frankly, I was fucking terrified of them – Emmett and Charlie particularly. If I was faced by the two of them, I'd been surprised if I ever walked again - let alone drove - for the dick manoeuvre of throwing Bella out onto the street. True, she'd had a hotel room she was able to go to – but it was still a fucking dick move.

But regardless of the hate I would face, I didn't think it would be a good idea to follow Bella there because I'd rather talk to Bella alone. To know what she was thinking – to try to figure out what the fuck she'd been through. The fact that there was much less chance of my face being mangled was just an added fucking bonus. Although there was no guarantee no mangling would occur with me alone with Bella. She could be a fucking wildcat when cornered. A memory from school came to me unbidden, something I hadn't thought about in years. I snickered to myself as I recalled the time she'd caught Lauren Mallory trying to sneak a valentine into my school bag.

It was the first Valentine's Day after Bella and I got together - we'd been dating for about four months and everyone in the school knew how intense we were about each other. Lauren had been trying to cause a fight between us so that she could sweep in and play the good friend and get the man. When Bella caught her she called Lauren a scrag and chased her through the school. Finally they erupted in a massive catfight on the school oval. I don't even think Lauren got one hit in before being dragged away by her friends with a large scratch on her face and a chunk of hair missing.

The fucked up thing about that whole was situation was that before I realised my feelings for Bella where more than just friendly I'd been crushing pretty hard on Lauren and she wouldn't give me the fucking time of day. The day Bella and I made things serious between us Lauren suddenly became fucking interested.

Thinking about Lauren dredged up Bella's confession of her reason for knowing I always used condoms when I fucked randoms. Because Lauren had been one of those randoms and she'd wanted to make damn sure Bella knew that. Fucking scrag. I hadn't been physically violent with a woman since getting off the drugs but fuck it sounded like a good idea where Lauren was concerned.

The biggest fucking problem about dredging up that memory was the fact that it made me feel a fucking hundred times worse about myself. I'd been the one who'd stuck my dick into that fucking slut and given her ammunition to hurt Bella more. Every fucking day I'd fucking hurt Bella - even when I didn't allow her to cross into my thoughts. I was a fucking dick.

That was why I sat waiting on the kerb next to the cobblestone street out the front of the apartment every day until nine pm. Then I would go inside and ring her parent's house in Australia and get chewed out by whoever answered the phone as I begged them to let me know where she was staying or give me a contact phone number or fucking something. That was what my fucking life had been reduced to. A fucking dog waiting to be either kicked again or given a fucking treat depending on the whims of one girl.

Fuck that shit!

I decided I needed a fucking night out. To go and get myself completely fucking wasted, and hopefully get laid. Four days and that fucking bitch hadn't even bothered to call. _Fuck that_. I stood from my position on the kerb and brushed myself off before walking back into the apartment. I started dressing for a good night out. I pulled on my black slacks and a grey team shirt. Team shirts always guaranteed me a screw in Australia. They might not have quite the same pull here but one could only hope. I was getting sick of my own fucking hand being the only thing that came near me and four fucking days for me was like a year – especially with all the shit that was going on in my head. I needed some fucking tension relief.

The phone rang while I was in the bathroom shaving. I had my electric razor set to just the right length to allow a little of that rough stubble that seemed to drive women crazy. I put it down and raced down the stairs to answer the phone. It stopped just before I answered it.

I was about to head back up the stairs when it started ringing again. Whoever it was they must have really wanted to talk to me. I figured it was probably Carlisle again – he was the only one who had this number. I answered it and was surprised that I didn't hear the usual beeps indicating that it was an international call.

"Hello?"

There was silence.

"_Hello_?"

The line was still almost silent but I could hear faint sounds, like barely contained sobbing.

"Who is this?"

I heard a sigh. Then I had a thought and my heart did the strange throat/feet combo thing again.

"Bella? Is that you?"

The phone line clicked and the call was disconnected.

Fuck. Was it her? It was the only thing made a lick of sense. Who else would call this number from within the UK? I grabbed the phone directory to find the number to dial to recall the last missed call. I waited anxiously as it rang once... twice. It was answered on the third ring by a pleasant female voice. Pleasant but not Bella.

"London Hilton, Caroline speaking."

"Hello, Caroline. I just had a missed call from this number."

"All of our rooms dial out over this number, so I won't be able to put you through unless you know the name of the person who called you."

It was a long shot. "I think Bella Swan is staying there, she may have been the one to call me."

There was a pause. "I'm sorry, we have no record of any rooms registered to a B. Swan."

"What about I. Swan? Her full name is Isabella."

Another pause. "No, sorry."

_Fuck_. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it wasn't Bella, but who else would be calling me from a hotel in London? Maybe she was staying there under another name – which could be fucking anything. It was a long shot – but it was also a possible lead. I knew it would sound suspicious if I started to ask Caroline for the address when I'd just admitted to not knowing who was there so I finished the call with her with a polite, "Thank-you for your assistance."

I hung up and then pressed redial.

"London Hilton, this is Suzette."

"Suzette, would you be able to give me your street address please?"

She gave it to me. It was too late to be making a polite visit to the hotel but it was my last hope. My only hope. I climbed back up the stairs, set the alarm beside the bed for five am and dressed in just a pair of sweats ready for bed. Then I grabbed the towel from the bathroom. Fuck the randoms, my hand would just have to do the trick again tonight.

* * *

Five am was too fucking early. There should be no reason in the world to be up at this time of the morning unless it was a fucking race day. But then again, it almost felt like a race-day. It felt like I was racing towards Bella. Towards answers. I still didn't know what I would do once I got those answers, but I knew I fucking needed them if I wanted sanity. It was my last chance for answers while I was in London. I had one more day before I would be on a plane and heading back to the fuckery that was my normal life. I wouldn't chase Bella to Brisbane. I couldn't.

The hotel was my only chance for answers. I decided if Bella was trying out a law firm she would presumably be leaving the hotel early. So I was ready and waiting by the front entrance at six-thirty.

I sat at a bus stop fifty metres from the hotel entrance. I watched the face and body of every brunette I saw - watching intently for her. But everyone was so rugged up as they stepped outside it was hard to see much of anyone. I did see one potential candidate and I followed her halfway down the road before she disappeared. I called 'Bella' a few times but she didn't turn around – although that wasn't enough evidence to suggest that it was or wasn't her. And if it was her, she was ignored me resolutely.

I slid the photo of Phoebe in and out of my wallet as I waited and watched. I couldn't decide whether to confront Bella with it or without it. I wondered if Bella wanted it back eventually, but if that was the case why did she leave it in the first place. Was it designed to seep away the last fucking remnants of my sanity? Was that why she left it for me? I wondered if Bella honestly enjoyed fucking me up like this. Having me sit patiently waiting for her like a fucking lap dog.

I sat at the bus stop for the entire fucking day and never saw another prospect. No one else that looked even remotely like Bella. I finally returned to the apartment at nine pm, my entire being completely shattered and fucking exhausted. I was due to leave on a fucking eight am flight so I'd need to be up at five again tomorrow, but it wouldn't be to get answers. It would be to leave.

I set the alarm and grabbed the remaining bottle of Chivas. I took a big swig. I threw everything I had back into my suitcase and then took it downstairs to the living room. I looked around the empty apartment. I remembered it had felt like home the first day I was here. For the last five days it had felt like an empty fucking prison cell. Nothing here drew me in, nothing fucking called to me. I couldn't fucking figure out what the difference was.

It was a little after ten when I decided that I was going to go out. If Bella wouldn't fucking talk to me when I'd dragged my ass all the way up town to see her then Bella could go fucking fuck herself. She had the equipment. On that thought my fucking dick stood firmly to attention. Fuck I needed to get laid. I could fucking sleep tomorrow on the plane.

* * *

The taxi beeped out the front. I raced downstairs. I was once again dressed in my black slacks and grey team shirt. I climbed into the cab and - once I realised the driver was a young, red-blooded man like myself - asked him where the best place to go for an Aussie to score a root. He drove me to the 'Walkabout'. Apparently they were 'the' Aussie bar in the UK. I found it mildly amusing that in Sydney every fucking pub was Irish, and yet the UK had Aussie bars.

I noticed we hadn't gone very far when he pulled up – maybe 3km. I could fucking walk home from here provided I was lucid. That was good. It gave me a fucking exit strategy that didn't rely on waiting for a taxi.

I went into the bar and ordered a beer, and thank fuck it was cold. Nothing worse than drinking warm beer. I scoped around at the talent. Immediately brushing over every brunette in the place. They weren't going to cut it for me. I couldn't do that shit, not with my brain supplying constant fresh images of Bella fucking herself. There was a large party of pretentious fucking snobs in the corner. All of them dolled up in power suits, even the fucking women. I ignored them. Women in power suits don't do random fucking against club walls, and that was all I needed right now. I wasn't going to fucking take any bitch home. I needed a screw – that's it. I saw a possible candidate alone in the back of the bar. She was a bit plain, but then everyone was in comparison to Bella. She had long jet black hair which was different enough to please me. I slid onto the bar stool next to her and told the bartender to get another of whatever she was drinking. She gave him her order - she was an Aussie.

She smiled shyly at me, then her eyes widened into saucers.

"Holy fuck!" she shouted. "You're fucking Edward Masen!" So she was an Aussie and a fan apparently.

I smiled at her. "You could be too if you play your cards right." I winked and then waited as that settled into her alcohol addled brain.

She blushed. _Fucking hell - s_he fucking blushed. Why did that have to remind me so much of Bella? I was about to turn away when her hand came onto my thigh and quickly grazed over my dick. God it felt good for someone else to be touching me again. It was the wrong sort of touch – not exactly the way I liked it, but enough to distract my focus from her blush. I shot her a wicked grin and then asked her name. Not that I cared. Not that it even mattered – I wouldn't remember it in the morning. But I knew from experience that women were more likely to fuck you if you at least know their name.

She whispered it into my ear, taking the opportunity to lick the lobe as her mouth was close. Fucking shooting fish in a barrel this was. She asked about what it was like to race the V8's and I told her the usual shit about the power of the car, the roar of the engine, the vibration of the seat – that one usually got them hot. Her hand stroked long lines up and down the length of my thigh and I was ready to go. I didn't want to make anymore small talk with this random stranger. I put my hand to her face and caressed her cheek for half a second, pretending to hesitate in anticipation of the kiss. Girls went fucking nuts for that stuff. I'd done this enough to know precisely what to do to have them eating out of my hand – or more precisely off my dick.

I pressed my mouth to her and immediately my tongue was requesting entry. Pushing further and further into her mouth. She moaned and shit. The taste was off, the feeling wasn't there. This was just a chance for a random screw. She moved off her stool to straddle my lap.

I felt the air shift around us as someone came up to the bar to order a drink, but I didn't open my eyes or break off the kiss. If the fuckers had never seen kissing before well maybe they could learn a fucking thing or two. My hands slid up the inside of this random's shirt and started to play with the straps on her bra, a promise of things to come.

I felt lips next to my ear and an electric thrill ran through me.

"I see some things never change," an icy voice, that somehow sounded desperately close to tears, whispered in my ear and then the air shifted again. My eyes snapped open and I broke off the kiss with... what the fuck was her name again? I turned to see one of the pretentious bitches in the power suit running for the door. Her brown hair swept up into a bun and her hands covering her face.

_Fuck._

Miss Random who was still straddling my lap was peppering kisses all over my face, trying to draw my attention back to her and grinding her hips fiercely against me. I tried to push her off gently, but she didn't move.

"Get off."

She stopped her kissing. "What?"

"I said get the fuck off me."

She climbed off and I ran to the door. I looked up and down the street but it was empty.

Fucking hell!

"Bella!" I screamed.

I ran to each corner and looked up every street in the vicinity. But she was gone.

_You've fucked it up royally this time Masen._

* * *

**A/N – A bit of a short chapter I know. Clicky clicky & you can see what Bella was thinking during one scene of this chapter.**

**And I've put a link in my profile for team shirts if you want an example of one. **


	11. Murphy's Law

**Chapter 11****: Murphy's Law**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it! _

* * *

I didn't go to bed that night. Instead, I crawled into the bottle of Chivas Regal and took up residence there. I sat on the couch and drank swig after swig until the bottle was empty. I tried to make my head as empty as the bottle but it didn't work. I just kept seeing images of Bella's pain. Her hands over her face as she fled from the bar, her face as I kicked her out of the apartment, her tears when I'd told her goodbye before I left Brisbane. I knew myself well enough to know that while these images were in my head going to bed was pointless. There were only three ways I could possibly get to sleep now, tablets, alcohol or a combination of the two. The fucking alcohol wasn't working and I didn't have any tablets.

It was a relief when I finally heard the alarm going off upstairs. It meant it was time to do something. Action meant I could push all of the thoughts out of my mind for a few precious moments. I draggedmyself to my feet and staggered upstairs to turn the alarm off. Then I jumped into a quick cold shower to shake off the sleepless lethargy that had settled over me and to attempt to sober me up a little. I gathered all the used towels and threw them into the hamper. Carlisle had a year-round maid service so washing was one less thing I had to do before leaving.

I dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of sweats – nothing fancy – for my plane trip home. It's not like I had anyone to impress and I didn't want to impress anyone anyway. I quickly threw some essentials, including my sunnies and hat, into my carry-on bag and roughly shoved everything else back into my already packed suitcase.

By the time the taxi arrived I was ready and waiting out the front. The driver joked that people usually looked like shit when they got _off_ the plane, not on the way to the airport. I bit back the "fuck you very much" that rose in my throat. Once we'd arrived at the airport, I slumped my carry-on over my shoulder and carried my suitcase towards the check-in counter.

"Window or aisle?" I was asked.

Bella had been in the window seat last time. I wondered whether she preferred window seats or was just placed there by sheer luck.

"Aisle."

The clerk nodded and finished checking me in before handing me my boarding pass. "Have a nice flight."

_Fucking doubt it._ "Thanks."

Again I had time to kill between check-in and security. I found a cafe and crawled inside a coffee. Fuck I needed it. I had the beginnings of a hangover or possibly a fatigue headache. Either one would be fixed with caffeine – at least temporarily.

As I sat sipping my latte I heard a female voice at the counter ordering a caramel macchiato. I felt my eyes turn in that direction even though I knew it wasn't Bella. A red-haired woman whose clothes were practically painted on was the offending orderer. I wanted to scowl at her for not being Bella. I picked roughly at the chocolate doughnut that had seemed like such a good idea when I'd been at the counter but was currently making me fucking sick.

I sat and waited, finishing my coffee, trying not to think about anything. Especially not Phoebe. Especially not Bella. And fucking especially not our last flight or the evening that followed it. I felt myself harden at the thought of that night, and at the image that my own mind had conjured that had been haunting me since. The one of Bella pressing her vibrator into herself with my name on her lips. Fuck I was hard. I wondered if I had time to knock off a quick one in the airport toilets. As I adjusted myself I realised I had to – I had a hair trigger at the moment and these sweats weren't exactly designed for the concealment of large objects.

As I was about to stand a red-head slid into the booth across me from, I recognised her as the one who ordered the caramel macchiato – but her drink was nowhere to be seen. She was wearing so little that nothing was left to the imagination. I figured if I looked under the table it would _all_ be on show.

"I think you and I have some unfinished business," she purred at me from across the table.

"How's that?" I asked.

She smiled wickedly. "It's Vicki, remember from the club?"

I looked at her blankly – was I supposed to know who the fuck Vicki from the club was.

"Gossip Weekly cover?"

_Oh fuck me._

"We could finish it now if you like?"

_Oh fuck me._

Her hand dropped under the table and she pushed it up the length of my thigh and into my already hardened crotch. I pressed myself back into the seat a little. I needed to think before my head became too clouded with..._oh Christ what was she doing_? Her whole body started to slip lower under the tables. She licked her lips in promise before ducking her head under the table. Once upon a time this might have excited me. But right now I didn't want this. _Holy fuck_. Her hands brushed across the top of my dick through my pants. She gripped it firmly before I felt her fingers start to play with the waistband, trying to get in. I quickly pulled myself back and out of the booth, grabbing onto my sweats as I went to make sure I didn't lose them.

"I'm sorry Vicki, I just can't." I grabbed my carry-on from beside her disappointed face and turned and fled out of the cafe as quickly as I could. I could feel my erection rubbing painfully as I walked as quickly as possible without drawing attention to myself. I realised I was probably pitching a tent if any wandering eyes cared to look down there but there was fuck all I could do about it. I went to the men's toilets and quickly ground one out to get rid of this bulge in my pants. I felt no relief when I was finished though. Just sick. Just fucking hung over. I washed up and then decided to go through security.

As I was putting my things on the conveyer, I saw a woman ahead with hair the exact shade of brown as Bella's. The more I watched this girl the more I was convinced that it could be Bella and I just wanted to make the fucker doing security hurry the hell up. But he pulled me to the side, saying something about random fucking bag searches or some shit. Wasn't that what the fucking X-ray machines were for? I kept my eyes on the back of the girl but then I realised my mistake. It couldn't have been Bella because she walked into the first class lounge. Bella would be in business class. I laughed at myself for being such a fucking idiot to think we could possibly be on the same flight together twice.

I boarded the plane on the first boarding call. Then I waited restlessly in my seat. I wasn't sure why, but I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe I wasn't being a _total_ fucking idiot to think that Bella could be on this flight – she was only staying a week and I had stayed a week. Or perhaps it was just wishful thinking. I really wanted to see Bella again. To speak to her. Although fuck knows what I would say to her. I didn't have a single fucking clue what I wanted to say or what she wanted to hear. I just had a burning desire to be close to her again and to talk to her. It felt like anticipation hummed around the plane. It was as if my body just fucking _knew _she was nearby. I glanced anxiously towards the door every time a new passenger climbed on board. But none were who I wanted.

After the stewardesses started giving me strange looks – obviously trying to decide whether I was up to no good or just a nervous flyer - I decided to try to calm myself down. I closed my eyes, leaned my head back against the headrest and pinched the bridge of my nose - relieved that the action was finally pain-free again. I sat there perfectly still. I wondered vaguely what I must look like at the moment. I felt faint, dizzy and nauseated. My sleepless night – or the alcohol – was catching up with me. Between being indoors so much and the cool England days, my ever-present tan was starting to fade. I pictured myself as being pale which with deep purple bags under my eyes – quite the sight I'm sure. I chuckled at the thought.

I decided perhaps it would be better to forget my fantasy of Bella being on the plane – she wasn't, and even if she was seeing me like this would probably be a major turnoff for her. I was in sweats for christssake. I felt a shift in the air beside me as someone reached up and put a bag in the overhead compartment. I opened my eyes and saw brown hair and my heart skipped a beat. If I'd been paying any kind of attention I would have noticed immediately the scent of the hair - appple, not strawberry - the slightly wrong shade of hair colour and the skin with a slightly more tanned hue that all made it clear that this was not Bella. But I wasn't and as her hair danced in front of me for one second as she climbed over me to her seat hope bubbled up in my chest. For that one split second I believed this was Bella. That we would be able to talk and start on the path of being friends again. But that hope was pricked and burst like a balloon when the girl took her seat beside me.

The reality of the last week crashed on top of me and I fucking broke down. Tears and sobbing and all that shit. It was going to be a long fucking flight.

The girl who had just sat next to me seemed to regard me for a few minutes, no doubt wondering whether to feel fear or pity towards me. She obviously decided on pity because she wrapped her arm around me and pulled my head onto her shoulder. She asked me what was wrong. Before I could control my tongue enough to stop, the verbal diarrhoea hit and I was telling her everything about Bella and I. I told her everything I should have been telling Bella. After I finished I laughed slightly. "So do you think I'm fucking crazy or what?"

She just patted my back and comforted me silently.

I sat with my head pressed against this stranger's shoulder for far longer than circumstance and decorum would probably dictate, but strangely this non-Bella offered me some small semblance of comfort that I'd only ever been able to get from Bella. She calmed me and eventually I stopped crying and pulled myself off her shoulder. I chuckled in embarrassment. "Sorry about that. This week has been a little rough." I held my hand out to her. "I'm Edward by the way."

She laughed in reply. When she spoke her voice was traced with a thick Irish accent. "Well, it certainly was an interesting introduction. I'm Siobhan." She shook my hand in hello.

We moved onto less serious topics – like why she was heading to Australia, she was backpacking for a few months, and I started to think maybe this wouldn't be such a bad flight after all.

* * *

_Bella was standing in front of our home room. She was looking for me so I snuck up around behind and grabbed her hand. She turned, startled, to look at me. I pressed my finger to my lips and pulled her along behind me. I'd been away from town for the weekend, dad had dragged mum and I to some banking conference in Noosa, so I really needed my fill of Bella time. I knew that conversations between classes just wouldn't cut it so I'd decided to ditch. Bella knew my decision as soon as I dragged her in this direction – towards the meadow we'd found last summer. If she'd had a problem with my actions she never voiced it. _

_As soon as we were far enough from the school I pulled out my cell and dialled the office. "Hello, this is Charlie Swan. I'm just calling to let you know that Bella won't be in school today. Unfortunately she's not feeling very well." _

_It was easy to convince the office staff of my story – it was all about the confidence in your voice. As soon as I hung up Bella and I burst out laughing. We were free for the day, we talked as we walked the short distance to the meadow._

"_Who called in for you?" she asked._

"_Emmett – I caught up with him just before we left."_

"_Tsk, tsk, letting his little sister ditch school with strange boys. He's supposed to watch out for me."_

"_Strange boys? I'm offended."_

"_Sorry," she smirked – not an ounce of apology in her voice._

"_I mean I'd say I've developed into a man by now – wouldn't you."_

_She laughed. "But I'm right about the strange?"_

"_Baby – do you know anyone stranger?"_

_She shook her head. "You know that's what attracts me, hun."_

_I smirked at her. _

"_So – what's this in aid of?" She indicated the meadow that we emerged into._

"_I really missed you this weekend."_

"_So you didn't find any easy beach babes willing to give it up as soon as look at you?"_

"_Oh yeah, loads and loads, but I bored the shit out of them by telling them about this fantastic girl I have at home." _

"_And what would that fantastic girl think about this?" She waved her hand between us and winked._

"_Oh, she'd be insanely jealous. She's the real jealous type you know." I beamed at her and then pushed my lips against her ear. "And she's so fucking sexy when she's jealous. Her lips plump up and a delicious blush crosses her cheek."_

"_Yeah?" She blushed. "What else is so great about this fantastic girl?"_

_I pushed my nose into her hair. "Well, her hair smells like strawberries."_

_She moaned against my touch and breath._

"_She's ruined me though."_

"_How's that?" she breathed._

"_I can't smell strawberries anymore without feeling mildly aroused."_

_She raised on eyebrow. "Only mildly?"_

_I lowered my eye to my school shorts and looked at the way they were pulled and stretched out of shape. Her eyes followed. _

_I laughed. "Maybe a little more than mildly."_

_She brushed her hand along the inside of my short, teasing her fingers at the opening. I moved my lips from her hair to her face and then pressed them slowly against hers. There was no urgency, we had hours to just be alone and with each other. My lips danced across hers without a care, our breathing was steady for now – we were simply enjoying the taste of each other. _

I woke, it was dark and I couldn't place where I was at first. I adjusted my new-found erection so that it wasn't so uncomfortable. I heard someone clear their throat. I looked around to see Siobhan glancing nervously out the window.

"Oh, shit sorry. Just.. oh fuck. Sorry."

She smirked out the window. Then she turned to me. "So why did you let this fantastic girl go?"

I didn't understand where the question had come from.

"You were talking in your sleep. You said something about having a fantastic girl at home. I assume you were talking about – Bella wasn't it?"

I nodded.

"So why did you let her go?"

"It's a long story."

Siobhan smiled at me. "It's a long flight."

* * *

As I climbed off the plane I shook Siobhan's hand again and thanked her for talking to me. I gave her my number and told her to call me if she was ever passing through town. Somehow over the course of the twenty-four hour flight we had become – not quite, but pretty close to, friends. I felt better for having been in her company. She made me think that maybe, just maybe, I could fix this. That I did deserve to have Bella in my life, at least as a friend.

The problem was that the hope, those thoughts, only carried me as far as the baggage collection area. And then I fucking realised the truth. I really was too screwed up to function. I couldn't even do my day job anymore. And worse I swear I was starting to see Bella everywhere I went - I would have sworn the chick who just grabbed her luggage from the console was Bella but when I looked back she was gone.

I needed to go home, have a shower and get settled back into life. I needed to try to push this trip out of my head. I needed to forget about the little girl who was better off without me in her life. And I needed to forget about any chance of having any kind of relationship with Bella. I fucked up too much, I hurt her too many times. It was no fucking wonder she didn't even want to talk to me.

I got a taxi home and slumped up the front stairs. There was a letter waiting for me on my doorstop. I thought it was strange because I never really gave my address to anyone. The team had a post box for fan mail and all my bills and shit went to a post box which my accountant had a key for. I didn't have to do mail. Usually anyone who wanted to contact me direct did so though email. There was no stamp on the envelope which was another oddity.

I flicked on the light in the entryway and ripped open the top of the envelope. I pulled the letter out. There was nothing written on it – it was just a photocopy of a document. A birth certificate. Phoebe's birth certificate. My jaw snapped shut tightly with rage when I saw the name printed under 'name of father' but then something else caught my eye and my blood froze in my veins.

I hunted down my mobile phone and grabbed my car keys. It was a twelve hour drive to Brisbane but it would still be quicker than ringing the airline and trying to get a flight, especially considering the last one for the day would have already left. I threw my suitcase over into the backseat of my Monaro. My heart was pounding in my chest as I turned the ignition. I took two deep breaths to try to steady myself and then I put my foot to the floor.

I brushed the tears from my eyes as I hit the highway and floored it past 110km/h.

All the while my mother's voice rang in my mind. "As if that poor girl hasn't had it hard enough. I don't know if you'll ever really comprehend just how much you hurt her."

**

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**

A/N – Okay evil cliffy time! Duh, duh, duh. Sorry but it had to be done, you'll see why. I have a really fun BPOV scene for anyone who reviews – I think it compliments this chapter very nicely, but if you really don't want to review that's cool too you won't miss any information, just a little bit of fun.

**I have to say a big big thank-you to Gabbysway2 who is my muse & sounding board on this story. **

**Also I have some great recs for other ff's for you to read. I rec'd these same ones in the Teachers Pet outtake that I posted so if you've read that you'll know which ones I'm spruking :) t****hey are all in my favs if you want to check them out: **

**Master of the Universe (seriously if you are reading M rated FFs & haven't read this yet - why not?);**

**Almost Doesn't Count (Mrs_Robward is the queen of UST);**

**Expectations & Other moving pieces (very OMG angst & emotion);**

**University of Edward Masen; and last but not least **

**Smoking in the Boys Room (CorrinaTFF rocks my sox with this – lots of gentle mindfuckery, just make sure you read it sequentially :P).**

**I don't think I've mentioned it the last few chaps but I'm on Twitter mpg82 – come join in the fun and frivolity that abounds there. **

**A warning too – my updates will start to slow a little shortly I'm heading back to my next semester of post-grad study for a few months and that will mega cut into my writing time but I'll try to get as much done as possible before then & then I'll try to still post at least once a week. **


	12. Destination

_**Chapter 12: Destination**_

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. This is unbeta'd so apologies for any & all mistakes. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

_**Warning:- The next two chapters contain information which may be distressing to anyone who has lost a child. Please read on with caution... and tissues.**_

_Song for this chapter http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=N6krF7W7OVU_

* * *

The hours seemed to drag by slowly as I pushed my car through the dark of night up the M1 towards Brisbane. I stopped only for fuel. I pushed the car up to the speed limit, wishing I could push it further but knowing there were too many fixed speed cameras along this stretch of road and I'd have no hope in hell of seeing them at this time of night. The last thing I needed was to have my licence suspended on top of all this other shit.

My mind was still stuck on the one line on the birth certificate. Frankly I was pissed that Jacob Black was listed as Phoebe's father but that's not what compelled me forward. That's not why I was driving this car the fastest I possibly could towards the one place I swore I wouldn't return to. I'd always felt as if going back would somehow signal failure. Failure to stay away from Bella. Failure to live my dreams. But now I could see the true failure had been _not_ going back. Not fucking being there for Bella when she'd needed me the most.

I tried to imagine what it must have been like for her, pregnant and alone – well not completely alone, I knew her family would have supported her. And then to fucking have to cope with that shit, with fucking...

I wiped the tears away again. I would have to try to save them away for now. They weren't doing shit to help me stay focused on the road. I knew I would cry over this – no fucking person in their right mind would deal with shit like this without tears.

I wanted more than ever to talk to Bella if only to understand what happened. Why it happened. And most of all - if it was my fault. If somehow I could have prevented it by being... around.

The sun was just starting to rise as I crossed the Queensland / New South Wales border. I drove past the Gold Coast and up through Yatala. I couldn't believe how much everything had changed and yet nothing had. The highway had come stomping through here, cutting off so many corners and twists to be just one big expanse of eight lane highway – yet Yatala Pies, which had stood in its way, remained. A legacy of my youth. I wondered if I would find the same thing when I returned home – that somehow everything would be different and yet nothing would.

I saw a truck stop along the side of the highway and pulled in for a quick wash-up and change. I didn't want to stop but it didn't feel right turning up to see _him _in my current attire either. I pulled on my team shirt and black pants – it was the nicest outfit I had. It was crushed to buggery having been forced into my suitcase, but it was at least cleaner and more presentable than sweats and a tee.

After dressing, I splashed my face with cold water. My eyes were still filled with unshed tears – I wondered if they would ever leave now. My heart felt like it was shattered into a million pieces and each piece wanted to have its turn at crying. I raked a wet hand through my hair and decided I was as presentable as I could hope to be under the circumstances.

I quickly grabbed a coffee and then I was back on the road. My heart seemed to pull me in towards Browns Plains as I closed the distance. It was almost as if it knew some part of it was left behind. Finally, after a little over twelve hours on the road, I was within the borders of my home town. The place I had spent my entire life, save the last four years. The place which would now forever hold a wretched chunk of my heart. I bit my cheek to hold back the tears that threatened. I was on a fucking mission here. I was too late to be useful, too late to change anything, but I wouldn't budge from my course until it had run.

* * *

I drove past the street that would take me to my old house - my parent's house. My hands started to shake as I edged closer to my destination. Finally... I arrived. I parked and tried to take deep breaths to steady myself. I didn't know how I was going to do this. I didn't think I could, but I knew I needed to. There was nothing that could stop me from seeing him now. Not after all this time, not after all my regrets. I just didn't know how I was going to find him.

I couldn't even know for sure that he would be there. I just hoped. I parked the car and willed my legs to carry me over the final distance towards him. My nana was down there and I knew she had plenty of room around her. Mum and dad had brought a number of plots so that they could all be together. My legs were on autopilot as I stepped forward, the line from the birth certificate on repeat through my mind.

And then I saw it.

The first thing that captured my eye was the cold white marble cherub. So small - about the size of a newborn baby. The cherub had his head buried in his hands and white wings extended out from each shoulder.

Carved onto the stone beneath the small angel were two horses, facing each other – mirroring each other, with their forelegs reared. Each had a name engraved beneath, 'Castor' and 'Pollux'.

Underneath the horses was the inscription that made the line of the birth certificate real.

Four small lines that changed everything, even though nothing was different from yesterday. Except yesterday, I didn't know. Yesterday I was oblivious to this level of pain. I wouldn't have thought it was even possible to hurt this much and still be alive.

But there they were – the twenty-eight words and two dates that were tangible proof of just how badly I had let everyone down.

That made it final.

That marked the grave of my son.

~ . ~ * ~ . ~

Emmanuel Pollux Masen Swan

11th June 2005 - 14th June 2005

An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby's birth.

Then she whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".

~ . ~ * ~ . ~

I fell to my knees as each of the million pieces of my heart let loose their agony simultaneously rendering me helpless.

* * *

I gripped hard at the ground to hold onto my sanity. Trying to hold myself in place - to stop myself floating away. I crawled over and placed my hand on the cool white marble of the tiny angel. I bent towards it and kissed the top of his head.

"I'm sorry."

Torture would be preferable to this.

Being burned alive at the stake would be preferable to this.

Fucking anything would be preferable to absolute agony that twisted inside my stomach as I looked at my son's tombstone. That one line from Phoebe's birth certificate, "Siblings: Emmanuel Pollux Masen Swan 11th June 2005 (Dec'd)" would be burned in my brain forever.

**

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A/N I know it's a short one but I thought it would be better that way and we can leave Edward to his grief for a while :'(

**I don't own the quote on the tombstone - it's an anonymous poem for mothers of stillborn & SIDS babies. **

**No BPOV Scene this chap - just too drained :'( but I'd still like to hear your thoughts **


	13. Castor and Pollux

**Chapter 13****: Castor & Pollux**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

I don't know how long I sat beside Emmanuel's grave. But I knew it was morning when I arrived and it was dark when I heard footsteps behind me. I was curled around the cool marble of the headstone, taking comfort from the pain I felt as the sharp edges dug into my body, drawing attention away from the fog that had taken residence in my brain. I raised my head a little to see who had arrived. The outline was unfamiliar, he was tall and muscled, but it wasn't Emmett. The outline was a little bit too short and a little less bulky - but not by much. His jet black hair was short and spiked. As my eyes adjusted to the low light, I could see it was the fucker from Queensland Raceway. Jake. The fucking guy who claimed ownership over my daughter and probably my son too.

A small voice inside my head, the one I usually drowned in alcohol, reminded me that he had claimed it because I hadn't. Because I wouldn't answer the phone when Bella called. Because I was so damn scared that she would drag me back into a suburban life - where I would have to settled for a dead-end job rather than doing something I loved - that I just didn't even consider she might have her own shit going on.

Another sob escaped my lips. I didn't know how many that was. My tears were long since dried – not because I was embarrassed of crying or that shit, but because there were nothing more left in me. I was an empty husk of a man and I wanted nothing more than to fill the void with half a bottle of pills and a bottle of Chivas and just lie there and let the earth fucking swallow me. But I knew I couldn't, and the reasons were multiple and complex. But first and foremost the fucker was still staring at me, his eyes narrow slits.

When I met his eyes his face brightened just a little. "I hoped I'd find you here."

I grunted at him. I wasn't going to stand from my position yet. I laid my head against the side of the headstone instead. He sat next to me and passed me a beer. I debated whether it was too fucking morbid to be sucking back on a beer in the middle of a cemetery at night but decided I fucking needed it too much to care. I sat up and took it from his hand. I popped it open and slid the bottle-cap it into my pocket. I may be an ass but I wasn't going to desecrate my son's tomb with litter.

"I'm Jake by the way." He held his hand out for me to shake.

I didn't take it. "Edward."

"Yeah, I know." He fucking smiled. How could the fucker smile when the world had crashed to tiny fucking pieces. He seemed to understand my thoughts because in my periphery I saw his face flick to Emmanuel's tombstone before returning to my direction.

"Sorry about the fucked up way you had to find out about this – I just..." he sighed, "I knew if it was left to Bella you might not have found out for a while longer. And I think it's better for her if you know."

"_You _left me the birth certificate." I wished my voice would be something other than flat and lifeless. It held no emotion, not even anger or sorrow. I couldn't even ask it as a question, the words came out as a statement. My eyes remained focused on the tombstone in front of me.

He nodded. "I was in Sydney yesterday to meet Bella. I flew down a little early so I paid your house a quick visit."

I looked at him.

"She told me about the near misses you two had on the flight back. She managed to get herself bumped to first class because she didn't want to talk to you."

I nodded. I should have been surprised, or shocked, or angry, or well _something_. But it all seemed too much to manage.

"She will speak to you again man, she's just... afraid."

She was afraid of me. Again I guessed I should have felt something about that revelation but I couldn't. I closed my eyes and exhaled everything that was left in me, it wasn't a lot. I went to ask a question but it came out as a hard, uncaring statement. "She really suffered."

Jake's eyes flicked back to the tombstone again. He nodded. "I think you might be beginning to see just how badly. The most fucked up thing is she never said a bad thing about you. In the almost fucking four years I've known her, she never once said anything negative about you. She always made excuses for you."

"What happened?" I touched the horses on the tombstone. Castor and Pollux. I vaguely wondered what the significance was supposed to be.

He shook his head. "Sorry, _that_ is Bella's story to tell. I just wanted to get your ass up here so she could tell it."

"If she ever talks to me again."

"I told you man, she will...eventually."

"Why the fuck do you even care?" I could feel some semblance of emotion filtering back into my body. Too bad that emotion was anger - not a good emotion to take out of someone who could very likely beat me to a pulp. But maybe that would be preferable to the agony I felt in my chest.

"I care because I care about Bella. I care about Phoebe. They've been a pretty fucking permanent feature in my life and she's my best friend. I hate that this is fucking hurting her. That _you _are hurting her."

I shook my head, but I didn't know what I was denying. I knew what he said was the truth.

"Denial isn't just a river in Egypt you know," he said as he sucked back deeply on his beer.

"How did you know I was here."

He laughed. "Browns Plains isn't exactly known for its prevalence of hundred thousand dollar Monaro's – especially ones with 'Cullen Racing' on the back."

"But why -"

He cut me off. "My house is just up the road there," - he pointed to the left - "Bella lives that way" - he pointed to the right - "I was driving past and saw the car. I figured it would be you. At least I hoped it would be."

"You live here?"

"Sure, I moved here from Chermside to be closer to Bella, to help her out. It's what _friends_ do. They are there for each other. They answer calls and they don't run away."

Was the fucker _trying_ to infuriate me? Did he want me to fucking attack him so that he could play the innocent card with Bella?

I stood up and got right up into his face. Apparently emptiness was being quickly replaced with stupidity and rage. "You just want to fucking get in her pants don't you fucker!"

He rolled his eyes at me. "First if I wanted to get in anyone's pants – it'd be yours and not Bella's."

My mouth fell open. But before I could think of a response to that he continued talking, "Second I would've had my chance at her many times if I wanted it. And third, and most important, as much as it might surprise _you_ to learn this but there are people in the world who want to do things for other people because they fucking care. They care about other people and not just themselves."

I didn't want to listen to him. I wanted to fucking smash his smug fucking face into the ground. I didn't want to hear the truths that were coming from his mouth. Instead I just told him, "Just fuck off and leave me alone."

He shrugged. "I don't really give a shit about you man, but I do care about Bella. She needs you to know about this, to deal with it. But if you fucking hurt her -"

"Yeah, yeah I fucking know. Like I haven't heard it before." I walked straight past him and onto my car.

I had just turned the key in the ignition when he walked slowly out from between the gates of the cemetery. He folded his arms and narrowed his eyes in what was clearly supposed to be a threatening manoeuvre. His thoughts were clear, _if you hurt Bella I _will_ hurt you_. Why did every fucking person act like I _wanted_ to hurt her. I revved the engine in defiance. Fucker.

I threw it into reverse and kept my eyes trained on him as I pulled back out of my park. Then I deliberately dropped the clutch and sent the wheels spinning. I fishtailed up the street and flicked up my middle finger at him. As I drove I had no destination in mind. I just needed to be moving again. A day lying sentient on the ground hadn't done squat for my mental state and now anger burned through me. Irrational anger but potent.

I drove aimlessly until I saw a pub. I pulled the car in. As tempting as it sounded, I wasn't intending to get smashed. I just wanted a decent feed. And I wanted to get rid of the pain. I slipped my sunnies and hat on. I didn't care how much of a tosser I might look like wearing sunglasses at night if it stopped even one person from approaching me tonight. Because I was too fucking angry to deal with people tonight. The rage burned through my veins like fire searing me and making me feel like I had superhuman strength.

I ordered a counter meal and sat to wait for it. I slumped my head onto the table.

"Oh my god! Look who fucking decided to slum it with the little people." I heard a voice shout from across the bar. I didn't recognise it but whoever it was I fucking hoped that they weren't talking about me.

"It's fucking Edward Masen."

The voice was closer. Fucking hell.

"Eddie! It's me - Mike!"

I kept my head down.

"Mike Newton? Class of 2004."

He sat in the seat across from me at the table. I raised my head and nodded to acknowledge his presence. What else could I do – tell him to fuck off? Tempting but I didn't really want to establish that as my standard greeting.

"So what are you doing back here?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Just visiting."

"You catching up with anyone while you're here?"

I shrugged again, then I looked towards the kitchen – surely that food must be almost ready. It couldn't be that hard to make a steak sandwich and a bowl of fucking chips could it?

"So we all know what you've been doing since you left school – talk of the fucking town and all that."

I nodded.

He seemed to be getting frustrated with my non-verbal communication. "Yeah, there's been lots of stuff happen here since you left."

I nodded.

"I got married."

I tried to feign interest.

"To Lauren Mallory. Remember her? Blonde with a smoking hot body."

That peaked my interest a little. "How long ago was that?"

"Oh, we've been happily married for two years now."

I refrained from raising my eyebrow and asking why, if they were so fucking happy, he was alone in a pub and she was out screwing me on New Year's Eve last year.

"Did you hear Bella got herself knocked up?"

I set my jaw. I tried to warn him silently that he did not want to continue on that path. Not if he wanted to keep his fucking face intact. He was not big and muscled like Emmett or Jake. He was exactly the right size for me to pummel into fucking shit. And if he said one more fucking word about Bella...

"Yeah, I mean after you left I kinda thought she was fair game and asked her out."

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose with one hand. The other was clenching in and out of a fist under the table.

"She always refused and I realised why pretty quickly when she started getting fat."

My hand was no longer pinching the bridge of my nose. Now both my hands were under the table clenched into tight fists.

"And when it was obvious she was pregnant, I stopped chasing her and went for Lauren. No one wants sloppy seconds after all."

Mike started to laugh at his own joke but then his face fell because I had just thrown the table out from between us, sending his drink and the rest of the contents flying. In the same movement, I launched myself at his throat with one hand. The other rounded quickly and connected with his face. He backed away almost as fast as I pushed forward. He soon found himself between me and the wall.

"If I _ever_ hear about you saying one more thing against Bella I will fucking hunt you down and kill you." I pushed him against the wall. "And if I were you, I'd stop my wife going to masked balls. You never know who might _run into her_." I made sure my voice was dripping with innuendo.

I hadn't heard him following me until he grabbed my shoulder when I was near my car. He pulled me around roughly and opened his mouth to speak. The anger that was simmering in me burned into a raging fire with his touch and the memory of his words. I turned and swung at him. I poured my anger at the world and at myself out into him. Pounding into him again and again even as he lay on the ground. I kept going until three guys came out of the pub and forcibly pulled me off of him.

I didn't realise how much blood covered my fists until I was sitting in the car. I didn't know how much was mine and how much was Mike's, but my fists throbbed from where they had impacted with the concrete during my frenzy so I knew it must have been at least a little of each. The anger had leeched out of me, leaving me unfeeling and emotionless again. For the second time that night, I drove without thinking and with no set destination in mind.

When I stopped the car I was at my mother's house. I blinked, trying to remember how I got there.

I stumbled across the lawn, my brain in a haze and my body numb. The only thing I could feel was the painful throb of my heart. I felt compelled to return to this place. I hadn't seen my mum face to face in almost eleven months, not since the previuos Christmas when we'd met for coffee while I was in Brisbane. Of course I'd stayed in a hotel then, not wanting to return to Browns Plains. I didn't want to risk seeing Bella.

I banged on the door with my open palm because my knuckles were too badly scraped to use. I didn't know what the time was and I hoped it wasn't too late. The door pulled open to reveal my mother, she was still dressed in normal clothes so I coulddn't have been disturbing her too much.

"Edward?" She looked out into the darkness at me.

Even though I towered over her, I had never felt more like a little boy. I'd never before wanted so badly to be pulled into an embrace and told everything would be alright, even though I knew it wouldn't be. I just wanted to feel like maybe I could get past this pain. That maybe Bella would talk to me again and we could at least _try_ to be friends again. With those thoughts in my head, I collapsed into my mother's arms, rested my head on her shoulder and began to sob again.

She held me like she used to when I was a child, and brushed her fingers through my hair. She didn't ask what was wrong. She just stood there and comforted me until I felt able to move. I walked into the living room and stopped dead.

Bella was curled on my mother's armchair. A coffee mug sat abandoned beside her on the small side table. She looked like a deer in headlights, a gasp frozen on her lips. I remembered what Jake said, about her being afraid of me. But I didn't want her to feel that. I took two steps to cover the distance between us and then fell to my knees at her feet. I ducked my head and pressed my fists into my eyes. Gut-wrenching dry sobs tore from my chest and I couldn't get the breath to say what I wanted... no _needed_ to say. I could feel the blood ooze from between my fingers and rub into my eyes but I didn't care. Slowly the blood began to run down my face in small tear-like drops.

Fingers began to brush hesitantly through my hair in a gesture of comfort. I could tell they were Bella's by the electricity that ran down my spine. I was suddenly aware of the feeling of one of my hands being gently tugged away from my face. Cool, wet material ran over the knuckles and wrapped softly between my fingers. I kept my eyes pressed tightly together, not wanting to break the spell of the touch - _her _touch. If I opened my eyes she would see me for the monster I was. Dry material was being wrapped around my knuckles. I relished the contact with her electric-charged skin. She dropped the first hand and I let it fall idly to my side. She pulled the other one gently towards her and repeated the process. Once she had finished wrapping it, I felt her hands gingerly touching my face. The wet rag ran over my eyes and down my cheeks, washing away the blood and the salt tracks that remained on my cheeks.

Slowly I opened my eyes, and fresh tears sprung up from god knows where when I met the chocolate depths of her eyes. There seemed to be a knowledge buried within them, an instinct to care and protect. In that moment I wanted to be cared for. I wanted to be protected. I leaned over into her, clutching her hips between my hands and pressing my face into her lap and I sobbed. Her hand made small circles on my back.

"I'm sorry you had to find out like this, Edward," she whispered to me. "You don't know how many times I tried to tell you when we were on the plane and in London. It's just not easy to talk about."

I shook my head, I wanted to tell her that I'm the one who should be apologising. I am the one who didn't return her calls. I am the one who threw her out rather than listening to her. It was all my fault. But I couldn't get anything out other than, "I'm sorry." So I whispered that again and again and again against her jeans as I clutched onto her hips to keep myself grounded.

Eventually I found other words. I whispered them in the same hushed tones. "What happened?"

"Do you know the story of Castor and Pollux?" she asked in response.

I shook my head.

"In Greek mythology, Castor and Pollux were the twin sons of Lēda and Zeus. In the myth, the twins shared the same mother but had different fathers, so Pollux was immortal and Castor was mortal. They were involved in a dispute with their cousins and Castor was mortally wounded. Pollux begged Zeus to save the life of Castor. In the end, Pollux gave up half of his immortality to save Castor. So they alternately spend their days in Hades and on Mount Olympus. They were cast into the heavens and form part of the Gemini constellation."

She stopped rubbing the circles on my back, presumably to wipe away her tears. Her voice was full of them. I wished I could do more, but I was stuck under some spell and I couldn't move an inch. I waited for her to continue. I recognised the names from the tombstone, so there was obviously a relevance to her story and she needed to tell it in her own time.

She took a deep breath and then the circles on my back started again. When she spoke again, her voice sounded far off as if she was allowing someone else to take control of her body or reading a story from a script. "When I was eight months pregnant Phoebe's placenta detached from my womb. She started to suffocate and I was rushed for an emergency caesarean. They delivered both her and Emmanuel. He was so strong and so healthy and although they got to us in time to save Phoebe, we discovered that she had a condition which had irreparably damaged her kidneys and liver. She probably would have been stillborn if I had gone to term and was on dialysis from the hour she was born."

I couldn't understand what she was saying. Emmanuel had been the healthy one? _But then why_... I started to sob again thinking him.

Bella's voice continued with the same ghost-like quality. "Then, when they were three days old, Phoebe was getting worse. They said if she didn't get a transplant she would die. But it is next to impossible to get a matching donor organ that is able to be transplanted. Then Emmanuel..." - she choked back a sob - "The Doctor's said it was SIDS – Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. They couldn't give a reason for it. But I knew. He was giving up his own life to save his sister. He protected her and saved her. The operation was so difficult they still could have lost her and it took hours and hours. Then the next few days and weeks were touch and go to see if it had worked. Transplants in ones so little are so rare they are practically non-existent.

"I named Phoebe for the moon – I always thought of her that way, from the first time I knew I was pregnant. She helped give light to the dark night my life had become. Emmanuel helped me to see that sometime there is a plan for things and that plan isn't always what you think it should be, but you need to have faith - so I named him for that faith. Jake told me about the Gemini and the legend of Castor and Pollux. They just seemed like fitting middle names."

I pulled back into a kneeling position and was finally courageous to look up into Bella's eyes. They were brimming with tears but surprisingly none fell.

Then I remembered – she'd been dealing with this for almost three and a half years.

In that instant, looking deep into her eyes, I saw the depth of the heartbreak she had endured.

I didn't break eye contact as I whispered. "I'm sorry."

She broke.

And then I did.

I climbed onto the seat next to her and we both sat wrapped in each other's arms.

Each broken in our own way.

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A/N – There will be a BPOV for this chapter.

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	14. Just a fact

**Chapter 14****: Just a fact**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

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I don't know how it happened.

I don't know who initiated it.

I don't even really know why.

But one second Bella and I were in each other's arms, sharing our sorrow over our joint loss and the next her lips were on my lips. Our kiss was slow and soft. It was warm and welcoming. Our faces and mouths were wet with our shared tears. She tasted sad and delicious all at once.

She hummed against me as her hands found their way into my hair. I reciprocated as best as I could with my bandaged hands, running them up the side of her face, cupping it and pulling it into mine. My eyes were closed as I felt my world become completely immersed in her.

She made no move to stop the kiss, and neither did I.

She made no move to take it further, and neither did I.

Our lips dragged slowly across each other's but our tongues didn't meet. This kiss was not passionate or fuelled by desire. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. It was just about comfort. About sharing with each other the love we both felt, that we had always felt and always would. It wasn't about the fevered love shared between lovers but the peaceful love shared between best friends – the type of love that distance, barriers and problems couldn't break. An innocent and pure love that reached between our souls, transcending all the crap that had gone on between us.

The kiss was a perfect salve for my fucked up soul.

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My mother must have been giving us our space to talk because I heard the audible gasp when she re-entered the room to offer me a drink. What had started as a question became an admonishment.

"Edward!"

I pulled back from the kiss to look into Bella's eyes. The sorrow was still there and so was the fear. I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against hers. I didn't want to move. Moving would mean talking, which would mean getting to the fucked up part of the evening when we would shout at each other and would probably end with one of us walking out the door forever. Most likely me.

But in this imperfect perfect moment I could feel the connection that ran between Bella and I. The same connection that had scared the shit out of me and sent me running when I was seventeen, but which I now wanted to cling to because I felt like when I was with her like this I could pass half of my pain and suffering onto her and take half of hers in return. Somehow that made it easier to deal with the agony.

Bella's hands fell away from my head and she moved her body as far away from me as she could in the armchair. I followed her lead and pulled further away too. Then Bella spoke, "I'm sorry. I've got to go, I... I can't do this. Not now. You need to deal with this yourself first."

I nodded and slumped forward under the weight of my own grief returning in full.

"Elizabeth, thanks for the talk before." I saw her walk across to my mother and pull her into an embrace. "I'll talk to you soon okay?"

I watched her walk to the front door and open it. And then she was gone.

_No - fuck that shit_, I decided. I leapt from the chair and raced to the front door, exiting the house behind her. "Bella – wait."

She stopped for a second and then took another step towards the car in the driveway that was obviously hers.

"Please?"

She turned slowly towards me. "Edward, I - "

I cut her off. "Marry me."

Her jaw dropped. "What?"

"I want to fix this. I want to make it right."

"And you think getting married will magically make everything better?" Her voice was incredulous and packed full of anger.

I shook my head. "No, but it's what I should have done four years ago. Instead of running, I should have married you."

She was staring at me with her jaw slack.

"I love you."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes and spoke it was as if she was explaining something simple to a three-year old. "No, you don't."

"Of course I do, I always have. I know that now." I'd known it since London when all she wanted a casual fuck – and I realised just how mad I was about her still.

"You love who I was, maybe, but you don't know me, Edward. Not anymore. I... I'm a different person now. And so are you."

I shook my head. Didn't she feel the electricity when we touched?

"We've both changed. Four years is a long time, and a lot has happened to both of us."

"Then what do you want from me, Bella?"

"Nothing. Remember you are the one who came here, Edward. I haven't turned up on your doorstep begging for anything."

"I want to fix it. What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know what to tell you." Her voice was strained.

"Tell me how to make this right," I begged.

"I don't know how!" She was screaming at me now. "Alright? If I knew how to make it right I would have by now. But nothing is going to change the fact that you left four years ago and nothing is going to change the fact that Emmanuel is dead. Those are facts, Edward. Facts don't change."

"Please, Bella, I don't want to leave it like this."

She sighed. "We won't. At least, well what I mean is, it's your choice – if you are still here tomorrow we can talk again."

I nodded. "Tomorrow then, Bella."

I covered the distance between us and went to pull her into an embrace but she jumped backwards at my touch. I dropped my arms and my head before turning and walking back into the house without a second glance behind me. I felt like she had just ripped out the last little part of me that was left.

My mother was waiting in the living room for me. "Edward, what are you doing here?"

"I didn't know where else to go."

"I don't mean why are you _here,_ because of course you're always welcome here. I mean why are you in Browns Plains in general? You've made your opinion of the town clear."

"Jake left me a copy of Phoebe's birth certificate at home. And I..." I couldn't finish the sentence because a lump grew spontaneously in my throat and I couldn't manage breath around it.

"You found out about Emmanuel?" Her voice was soft but not surprised.

I nodded.

She patted the seat next to her on the couch. I walked over and sat beside her. I couldn't remember the last time we'd been close like this. We'd probably seen each other face to face two or three times since I left for Sydney, each time over coffee and each time discussing nothing but me and my career. I knew mum was reluctant to talk about Browns Plains, but I'd never really understood the reason until now. It wasn't good enough.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I said in the most demanding voice I could muster – which wasn't very demanding.

"I told you, it's complicated."

I rolled my eyes at her. "This whole fucking situation is complicated, Mum. I know you said you promised Bella, and I get that, but it's not the only reason is it? How could you not have told me I had a son for fucks sake?"

I could see her eyes pinching together as I swore at her, but I could also see her biting back on her desire to tell me off for it. She looked away from me and out the living room window. "You really don't remember do you?"

"Remember what?"

"The phone call we had during the first Christmas you had in Sydney or the meeting that February?"

I shook my head. But then I froze, that was during my _troubled_ time – I scoffed at myself for using that term, as if I wasn't still troubled. I shook my head and turned to follow her gaze out the window. I didn't want her seeing the guilt in my eyes.

"On Christmas morning, I rang you and wished you a merry Christmas. You weren't interested in talking and when I tried to keep the conversation going, and steer it towards Bella, you told me you were getting your Christmas present as we spoke so you weren't interested in talking to me anymore. You made it pretty clear there was a woman with you.

"Then in the February, about a week before you were due to start your first season with the production cars, your father and I flew down to Sydney to surprise you. We knew how busy you were settling into the team and everything but we wanted to see you before you got really busy. Bella had been trying for month to get a hold of you. She even tried sending an email. The reply she got had her in tears for hours. I never did see it though."

I tried to remember an email. I tried to remember the visit mum was talking about. I tried to remember any fucking thing from those three months, but unless it involved the hours I spent at Cullen Racing I had nothing. I drew a complete fucking mental blank.

"We stayed in a hotel in Sydney and arranged for a table at a restaurant nearby. That lovely girl, Alice, from your work arranged for you to meet us there. We didn't want to spoil the surprise so she said you were meeting a couple of fans."

I turned back to look at her again because her voice was quiet. She was watching her hands and wringing them together.

"When you arrived, you were already drunk. Instead of being happy or even surprised to see us, you were furious. You started yelling about how you thought we were going to be an easy score for you and how we'd ruined your plan for the evening. It went on for ages and got very violent. We were kicked out of the restaurant, and I was worried for your safety and sanity.

"Finally, your father managed to settle you down and we asked to meet up for breakfast the next morning to give you some time to calm down and sober up. You agreed. The next morning you turned up with a strange woman practically attached to your hip. You still seemed drunk or something."

Or something was right. I could have taken any number of drugs that night - fuck knows what I did take.

"You sent the girl on her way pretty quickly though and I thought that maybe we could have a talk. I tried to raise the issue of Bella, I wasn't going to go back on my promise to her as such, but I just wanted to give you a gentle push to call her so that you would find out."

She had tears running down her face, I wanted to comfort her but I was so disgusted with myself that I couldn't.

"When I mentioned Bella's name you went crazy again – you threw every piece of furniture you could get hold of and told me that you were happy with your lifestyle of having, and I quote, a different chick on your dick every night, and that if I ever mentioned Bella's name to you again you would slit my throat."

She was sobbing openly now.

"Mum, I am so sorry. I wasn't myself those few months. I had a difficult time adjusting."

She held up her hand to stop me. "That afternoon Alice called to find out how it went and I couldn't help it. I told her everything that happened with you. I just wanted to help you, to take you home and save you from whatever was causing you to act like that. Alice said that she would sort you out and because she had some distance you would be more likely to listen to her than to me. She promised if she couldn't help you she would let me know. The next time I spoke to you after that you seemed better, but still anxious to get off the phone. I never knew whether it was safe to mention Bella or not. Not that I thought your threat was serious as such, but I'd just never seen you fly off the handle like that before."

"Did Alice know too then? About Bella?" Did the whole fucking world know but me?

Mum shook her head. "I never told her that. Not even when we spoke afterwards and she let me know of your progress. It didn't seem right to tell her if you didn't know."

"But why didn't you tell me after..." I didn't think I would be able to say the words. At least not yet. But she knew what I mean, there was only one _after_ anymore. After Emmanuel.

"The day Bella gave birth, I tried calling you but there was a meet on and you refused to come to the phone because of a drivers meeting. I left messages for you to call me urgently. I tried to call you so many times that whole weekend and I never got a single call back. After Emmie passed, it just became a blur of arranging birth certificates and death certificates, funeral arrangements and announcements. Everyone's hearts were broken but there was still too much to do. Bella had piles of paperwork that all needed to be signed by the father, including the two birth certificates. And until it was signed we weren't be able to bury Emmie.

"She came over here and begged for permission to put Jake as the father because she knew he would be around for them and would be willing to sign any paperwork she required. He helped her so much during her pregnancy. She cried with me for hours about how we both wished you would just call so we could explain.

"And then days turned into weeks, turned into months and you still never showed any interest in Bella, whenever I rang you and raised the topic of what was happening at home you changed the subject or hung up. The problem was the more time that passed the harder it was to just come out and tell you."

I nodded, unsure what to do with this information. I figured my brain was AWOL and I had no idea when it might decide to return. Until it did I just needed bed and a shower. "Thank you for telling me this."

"I'm sorry. I know you've been hurt by this too, but you isolated yourself from everything so effectively I just... I didn't know how to get you back. Your father wouldn't let me fly down by myself in case you got violent again, and you know what his hours are like."

I nodded. I couldn't tell her it was okay. I couldn't tell her she was forgiven. I just didn't know anything anymore. "I need to get my suitcase from the car."

I stumbled onto the lawn and into the cool night air. I climbed into the driver seat of my car. I was fucking tired. I hadn't slept since the plane, and that was twenty-four hours ago. My brain was numbed more effectively than alcohol or sleeping tablets could ever achieve. I sat in the car pinching the bridge of my nose until I felt like I was ready for bed. Then I pulled my suitcase from the back seat and headed back for the house. I looked at the clock on the wall. It was half past ten.

"Where's dad?" I asked, surprised. Between seeing Bella and mum's revelations I hadn't noticed his absence until now.

Mum looked away. "He had a business meeting to attend."

"Until ten-thirty?"

She shrugged. "You know the crazy hours they keep – it's to speak to people all over the world you know." She wouldn't meet my eye.

I put my finger on her chin and focused her face towards mine. "Is there something you're not telling me still?"

Her eyes flittered away before settling back on my face. "Of course not, everything's fine. Your dad's always worked strange hours."

I nodded, I didn't have the energy to drill her for more information right now.

"You can sleep in your old room if you like, I think there's even some old clothes still in the wardrobe if you want to change."

"Thanks mum," I said. Then I smiled to her, at least as close as I could manage. "It's nice to be home."

She smiled back. "It's nice having you back."

Then she pulled me into her arms and I could feel her sobbing against my chest. I stood there with my arms around her until I felt the tears stop and then carried my suitcase to the bedroom door at the end of the hall. I was almost scared to open the door, not sure what I would find – a shrine, untouched in the years I'd been away or a blank canvas, a spare bedroom with every bit of my personality stripped away. I wasn't sure which would be worse.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. It was the former. The only thing that had been moved was the dust. It was clean and tidy but exactly as I had left it, including the Holden posters on every wall. I never had girly posters because Bella came in here too frequently and I thought it was in bad taste to have other chicks on the wall while I made out with Bella.

There was just one change in the room. The photo of Bella and I that I had torn from the wall and ripped to shreds after Emmett's attack was lovingly taped back together and put in its rightful spot.

I traced my finger over the Bella in the photo and realised that she was right. I didn't know her anymore. The Bella I knew was probably buried alongside our son. But I vowed then and there that I would get to know her.

I changed into an old pair of pyjamas, ignoring the shower because I knew that would only wake me up more, and settled into my old bed.

It turned out to be the best night sleep I'd had since the plane ride to London.

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A/N:- I will have a BPOV for this chapter for reviewers :) I just haven't quite finalised it yet but I will get it out within 24 hours baring some major drama. But I wanted to get this chapter up asap, cause I know you all like your frequent updates whether you are reviewers or not.

**Check out my fav's for some other really good fics and I am on twitter in case you have forgotten**


	15. Tomorrow

**Chapter 15****: Tomorrow **

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. This is unbeta'd so apologies for any & all mistakes. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

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_Bella sat on her bed with her back against the headboard and her legs extended out in front of her. She was making it very hard to concentrate on my algebra homework. Especially when I kept thinking I would much rather study her bra. _

_She looked at me with come-fuck-me eyes. Even after almost three years I wondered if she knew exactly what she did to me, I was instantly hard at the sight of those eyes and all thoughts of algebra went out the window. I climbed onto her bed and crawled until I was leaning over her. Then I captured her mouth with mine. I straddled her lap, pinning her gently beneath me as I kissed her. _

_After we both started to gasp for air, I moved my mouth from hers and trailed small kisses along her neck, finishing at her collarbone. Once I reached that, I sucked her skin into my mouth, marking her as mine. She ran her hands up along my chest and undid the buttons of my school shirt one by one. _

_I knew Emmett, Renee or Charlie could come barging in at any moment. Bella had a lock on her door, and kept it locked, but they all knew the secret trick to opening it with a butter knife. They'd all had to break her back into her room after she'd accidently locked herself out one way or the other. But honestly the thought that they might be able to come in at any second upped the excitement factor for me. I ran my hands up her back and she pulled herself forward to make room. I undid her bra in an instant and circled my hands around to cup her breasts. She moaned as my fingers found the tips of her nipples. I continued to trail kisses up and down her neck and onto her mouth. We were in no hurry. We'd been taking things a little further each time we'd done this. During our last make out session we'd moved beyond dry-humping to actually masturbating each other. As in hands on, and in, very private areas and fuck that had felt fantastic. _

_She pushed me gently to roll me over so that I was the one sitting against the headboard and she was straddling my lap. She gazed up at me, her natural shyness battling with an internal desire of some kind. She leaned in close to my ear, her lips brushing across my lobe. _

_"I want to try something," she whispered. _

_"Anything," I managed to breathe back – she had me straining for release already and she hadn't even touched me yet. I knew she would touch me soon though, and that made me even more excited. She liked seeing me in the ecstasy that she caused as much I enjoyed her panting my name as she came. _

_Her hands trailed down my chest and stomach and onto my shorts. She fumbled with the button – obviously nervous about whatever she wanted to try. She managed to pull down the zipper and then she tugged my shorts and boxers down a little – allowing her access to my cock. We'd learned not to throw our clothes off entirely because you never knew when someone would come in and we'd have to scramble to dress. _

_Her hand enclosed around me and I closed my eyes. I didn't understand why she was asking permission to do this – this was what she'd done last time and God I wanted it. But then I felt a shift in her position. I opened my eyes just in time to see her tongue come out and lick the tip of my dick._

_Fuck me. _

_She caught my eye and smiled as she did it again, eliciting a moan from my lips – which was clearly what she'd wanted because she brought her whole mouth down around my length. The sight and feel of her mouth around me made me come on the spot as her lips dragged down to my base. I clutched at the sheet as my body exploded into her mouth. I expected her to be repulsed, to jump up and make a run for the bathroom to spit it into the sink but instead she swallowed, then dragged her lips up to my tip again and released me with a smile. _

I woke up with a start and my hand automatically crept down to adjust the erection I was sure to have after that sort of dream, but instead there was just a sticky mess. Fuck. Now Bella had me having wet dreams about her – I was fucking twenty-one, not thirteen.

I jumped up to grab my suitcase and get a change of clothes, but I noticed it was gone from the position I left it in last night. I looked around to see if it had been moved but I couldn't see it. Fucking great. I pulled open my closet. I laughed when I saw the pair of bright purple Klues hanging in the closest. They were the only thing in there that even had a hope of fitting me – and that was only because I used to wear them so baggy. None of my old underwear or shirts would fit so I guess I was going commando and topless until I could find out what happened to my suitcase. I needed to change first though, there was no way in hell I was going to face Mum with a sticky mess in my pants.

I grabbed the Klues and a towel and climbed into the shower. As the water ran down my back, washing away the dirt and grime from the past few days I felt... not great, because I don't know if I would ever feel completely 'great' again now that I knew about Emmanuel... but better. Like I could actually face the day and not just hide out in my bedroom in an alcoholic daze. I wondered what the difference was.

As I climbed out of the shower I realised I had no fucking idea what the time was. The sun was fucking bright and the day was hot – but it was summer so the sun was fucking bright and the day was fucking hot from five am so that didn't mean much. I dried off quickly and pulled on the Klues. I couldn't believe they actually fit better than I expected them too, still hanging slightly from my waist as was the style of them. I walked out from the bathroom towards the dining room, ducking my head and drying my hair as I went. I pulled the towel off my head just as I arrived at the dining table.

_Oh fuck me._

Jake and Bella were sitting at the dining table. Both of them wore matching expressions – with their eyes as wide as their mouths. What the fuck where they doing here at this time. I looked at the clock – oh, it was fucking eleven am.

"Um...hi?" I offered.

Both Bella and Jake mumbled a 'hi' in response. I watched as Bella's eyes raked over my body again, bringing my near-nakedness back to my attention. Her face started to burn bright red. I turned away from her. I needed some fucking clothes. Now. There was no way I could sit and have a conversation with Bella with nothing on but a pair of Klues. Especially not the type of conversation we needed to have. I walked into the kitchen where I could hear my mum fussing around.

"Mum? Did you move my suitcase?"

"Yeah, I put all your clothes on in the wash." Ah, Mums! I might have been twenty-one but to her I would always be her baby boy who can't wash his own clothes. I was just fucking thankful that I hadn't packed anything too embarrassing. "They're in the dryer at the moment so they won't be too much longer. Do you want something to eat?"

Fuck yes. I was famished – especially after not getting to eat my meal the night before because of fucking Mike Newton. "Yeah. What is there?"

"I made some pancakes this morning – there's some batter left over. I can cook that up for you if you like."

"That'd be great. Um, would Bella and Jake want some do you think?"

She chuckled. "Who do you think I cooked them for originally?"

I nodded and then needed to ask the vital question. "Is...um...is...um..." I just couldn't manage to get the words out.

But Mum seemed to understand and answered me as she pulled the frying pan down to cook the pancakes. "No Dear, Phoebe's with Renee for today."

I nodded, relieved. I was still unsure what to do about Phoebe – especially seeing as though Bella and I still needed to talk. I did know I wasn't quite ready to meet her yet. While Mum started cooking, I took a deep breath to steady myself and walked out to greet the two people in the dining room again. I sat down across from them. With the table blocking my pants from view I somehow felt even more exposed. Especially the way both Jake's and Bella's eyes kept flicking across my naked torso.

"Excuse me for another second," I said.

I raced back into my room and tore around trying to find a shirt or something, anything that would cover my nakedness. I finally found something in the bottom drawer – my pyjama drawer. It was the oversized Savage Garden t-shirt that Bella used to wear at night when she'd stay over -always in the spare room of course. But it was the only thing in this room that would fit. I pulled it on, feeling like I'd stepped five or six years back in time.

Mum was just putting the pancakes down on the table when I arrived back at the table. I offered Jake and Bella some more but they just politely refused. It was obvious Bella was trying hard not to laugh at the sight of me. The Savage Garden tee was given to me on Christmas by an aunt who was told that they were 'the' band for the kids. She'd brought the XXL because she wanted to make sure it would definitely fit me. As such, it had swum on me and Bella had used it as a nightshirt. No doubt me wearing it was as vivid reminder for Bella of our time together as it was for me. It was obviously too much for her because she grabbed Jake's hand and pulled him into the living room. Although I wasn't 100% sure whether it was to get away from me and my ghastly outfit or because she thought I would want some privacy while I ate.

I spread butter and sugar over the pancakes and quickly tucked in. Fuck it felt good to have something in my stomach after so long. The more I ate the more I felt ready to face the day. To face Bella. I didn't know why the fuck Jake was here, but I was sure I would be able to convince Bella to talk to me alone.

But first I needed clothes.

I took my dishes into the kitchen and cleaned them off before heading into the laundry, where mum was just pulling my clothes from the dryer. Thank fuck.

I could hear the sound of Bella and Jake talking in the living room as I grabbed the thinnest shirt and pants I could find in the pile of clothing. Unfortunately, I was packed for winter in London – not summer in Brisbane. I knew that if I was going to stay for any length of time I would need to go shopping.

As I was getting changed, I heard the front door open and close and then a car drive off. I hoped Bella hadn't grown impatient waiting for me to get my shit together and talk to her. I cursed myself for fucking around so much worrying about what fucking clothes I had on. I threw the Klues and t-shirt back onto my bed and then walked to the living-room, fearful I would find it empty.

Thank fuck it wasn't.

The fucker, Jake, was gone but Bella sat there staring down at her lap. I walked over to her and offered her my hand and what I hoped was a winning smile. "Walk with me?"

She didn't answer but put her hand in mine, so I took that as an acceptance.

"Mum, we're going out for a bit," I called, leading Bella out the door before Mum had a chance to respond.

Bella and I walked in silence, still holding hands. She seemed almost as reluctant to break the contact as I was. She anticipated exactly where I was leading her. But that shouldn't have surprised me. After all, there were two places in this town that were extra special to us. The meadow and our park bench. The bench that rested almost exactly half-way between my house and her parent's old house. It was our spot to go to after school when we couldn't decide whose house to go to. I had already decided there was no way I was going to sully the memory of the meadow by having the difficult conversation I knew was coming there. But the park bench was already ruined. It was where I'd said good-bye to her.

Bella didn't drop my hand until we were only a few metres away from the bench. She led the way over towards it and sat sideways against the back, curling one leg underneath her. I sat next to her, turning into her and mimicking her position. Then I sighed. Last night, I had been terrified of her walking away and not talking to me and now, with her right in front of me and us alone, I just couldn't think of anything to say. She rested her hand along the backrest of the bench and I put mine there too. We both found our hands linking involuntarily between us. I wanted to ask why she was waiting at Mum's house for me and why Jake was there. I wanted the answers to so many questions and yet now that she was in front of me only one thing mattered. Her.

"Are you okay?" I asked, knowing how grossly inadequate the question was – but it was a start.

She looked away from a second. "Are you?"

I laughed darkly and then shook my head. "Not really I don't think."

She nodded. "It's a lot to take in, to understand. Even after almost three and a half years I still find there are days when I just don't get why it had to happen the way it did."

"Will you tell me about him?"

She smiled and her eyes developed a far-away gaze. "He looked just like you. A perfect miniature Edward. It's strange because when I was pregnant that was one thing I was dreading – how I would react, how I would cope, if the babies looked like you. But once he was in my arms it didn't matter what he looked like." She dropped her eyes. "Of course, he was already gone by then so he was just my little sleeping angel."

"You didn't get to hold him while..." the lump had grown inextricably in my throat again.

She shook her head. "No. Not until after, when I had to make the decision about donation." A tear ran down her cheek. Unthinkingly I raised my hand and brushed it away.

"I'm such a huge fucking ass," I said. "It's no wonder you hate me."

She shook her head. "I don't hate you, Edward. I just don't know you anymore, not the real you."

"I'm still the same though, Bella. Just a little bit more fucked up."

She chuckled.

"You said I don't know you anymore. Well, I'd like to get to know you again. If you'll let me."

"I'd like that too, Edward. I just..." she trailed off uncertain how to word her feelings.

"You're afraid?" I guessed.

She nodded.

"Of me?"

She seemed to struggle with her composure for a second. "Not _of_ you as such. I know you'd never hurt me physically or anything I just... I can't trust you."

"I want to fix that – how can I?"

She shrugged. "Honestly? I don't know. But I guess time will be one way."

Time? I thought about that, I had another month and a half or so before I was due back in Sydney. But I knew that wasn't the sort of 'time' Bella was talking about. Then I remembered Bella's words on the plane – she was leaving Australia for good. She was only in Australia for another couple of months. I felt a fissure rip open in my chest. My breathing sped as a panic attack gripped me. They'd never been as frequent as they were now. I turned so that I was sitting with my back to the rest and leaned forward to put my head between my knees. I cupped my hands against the back of my head and tugged on the hair there. I tried to calm myself down but it wasn't working. The thought of Bella leaving for good in just a few months, of never seeing her again, tore at me. I felt her begin to rub small circles on my back.

"Tell me what you've been doing," I panted, trying to get her to talk about something that would hopefully stop the panic.

"I've pretty much been full-time at uni. Between that, a part-time job down at the local shop and Phoebe, I've been pretty busy. And then I got the job offer from Pembletons."

Fuck that wasn't helping. My breathing hitched again and Bella seemed to sense that because she shifted her body a little closer. I was treated to the scent of strawberries and that did help calm me a little.

"I'm not taking the London offer," she whispered.

I felt the breath leave my body in one exhausted sigh. "Why not?"

"I can't be that far away from my family. Or from Emmanuel."

I nodded. Which meant she'd never move to Sydney. Which meant I had to give up a promising fucking career again if I wanted to be with her. And that meant we were right back where we started.

Something inside me screamed at me to run again. Run as far away as I could as fast as I could. Get the fuck away from Bella and all the drama she was sure to bring into my life.

_No!_ I thought in response. _Fuck that_.

Sydney wasn't that far from Brisbane – a little over an hour by plane. If I could be fucking man enough to pick up the phone maybe we could at least be friends again. Although, I wasn't sure whether 'friends' would work when I was getting hard as fucking stone just from her rubbing comforting circles on my back. This smallest amount of contact from her did more for me than being balls-deep in any of the whores from the clubs. I didn't understand why she had so much sway over me but I knew it had always been that way. That's what made me run initially and had kept me running since. I didn't want to be tied down and unhappy in my job like my father was. He'd worked crazy hours for as long as I could remember and he'd told me so many times how he'd had his dreams and maybe he could have achieved them if he hadn't married so young and fucked up his chances.

As always, I was torn between what half of me wanted and the other half feared – Bella and her fucking electric current connection that made me want to bury myself in her.

Finally, I was able to gather control over my breathing and felt the panic subside. I turned back towards her, putting my arm back onto the arm rest but putting my fingers in my hair instead of linking them with hers again.

"Where does this leave _us_?" I asked.

"Is there an _us_?"

I thought about it for a minute. "I'd like there to be. Would you?"

She shrugged. "Yes and no. I don't want to get hurt again, Edward. It fucking nearly tore me in two just seeing you on that plane. And then after..." She closed her eyes and tears wet the lashes. I knew what she was referring to. Fucking without complications – yeah fucking right.

"Do you know the real fucked up thing about that night?" I said.

She shook her head.

"I wanted to tell you I loved you before you bolted from the room."

She narrowed her eyes at me.

"I didn't even realise you meant sex without strings until after you'd left. I was so fucking drunk, I just didn't know what was happening."

I thought she might see the truth in my words, and realise that I'd been changing since that night. But instead her face was set with anger.

"Is that why you went back downstairs? To the bottle of scotch?"

I nodded. "It ripped my heart apart when you walked out of the room." I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty – I just wanted her to know the truth. Her reaction however startled the fuck out me.

She started to scream at me. "And you thought the best fucking way to deal with that was to fucking drink a litre of alcohol?"

I was shocked and sat blinking at her, unsure what she wanted me to say. She seemed to be demanding a response though so I nodded.

"Fucking hell, Edward. You really haven't grown up a fucking bit have you?"

I just sat staring at her.

"This is what I fucking mean about trust. One thing goes wrong and you fucking drink yourself into oblivion and end up in hospital. I mean Christ – what if I'd left for the night or didn't hear that bottle smash. You could have been fucking dead. How would I explain that to Phoebe? How could I tell her that her father died in a fucking alcohol binge session because one thing didn't go the way his fucking way?" She'd started her rant in shouts but ended it in tears. As soon as the crying started, I felt feeling return to me. I pulled her tightly into my chest. She sobbed against me for a few minutes before her breathing settled.

"This is what I mean about trust, Edward. I can't trust you to make decisions if that's the sort of place they lead you to. And if I can't trust you to make responsible decisions, how can I trust you with Phoebe. How can I trust you with _me_? I think you need therapy."

I scoffed. "Been there, done that."

"You need to talk to a psychiatrist, Edward. Before we can ever have a hope of there being an _us_ you need to sort out you. I won't allow Phoebe's life to be ruined because you don't have yourself together."

"So let me get this straight, if I agree to see a shrink again you will allow me into my own fucking daughter's life? And I don't get a fucking say in that shit?"

"Legally, she's not your daughter."

"Fuck that. You and I both know she is. I don't give a flying fuck about legal. If I want to see her I fucking should be able to see her."

"Do you want to see her?"

Bella's question startled me with its frankness. "Um...I don't know."

"You don't know?" She asked incredulously.

"Look, fuck, I'm trying to be honest here. I've known for all of a fucking week that I'm a father. I don't fucking know how to take that shit. But I want to do what's right."

"What's right is sorting yourself out and then seeing her."

I laughed. "Sorting me out could take fucking years."

Bella laughed in response. She either didn't realise just how fucking serious I was or she was trying to lighten the now tense atmosphere. "At least start trying, that's all I'm asking."

"And what do I get in return?"

She raised her eyebrow at me. "Besides being less fucked up you mean?"

I chucked darkly and then nodded.

"What do you want in return?"

"Will you agree to let me take you on a date?"

She thought about it for a second and then nodded. Then she smiled slyly. "One date for every session."

"How will you know if I'm actually going?"

"It's about trust, Edward. I will _try _to trust you again. Part of that will be you earning my trust by showing me you are worthy of it. If you lie to me about something as simple as whether you've had a therapy session or not – I can never trust you on anything."

I nodded. It made sense. "Do phone sessions count? If I have to see a fucking shrink, I'd at least like to go to one close to home but," - I dropped my voice and broke eye contact - "I don't want to wait until I go back to try _us_ again." I didn't voice my greater concern, that by going back to Sydney there would be no more us.

"I'm not just going to jump into bed with you," she said.

"That's what you think I want? Fucking nice, Bella."

"Just going off recent evidence."

"Gossip mags and fucking innuendo."

"Are you saying they're wrong?"

_Fuck. _"No."

"Then you can understand why I would think that."

"Fuck, Bella – you should know you've always been more than that to me. It's why I can't do brunettes."

"Nice. You draw the line at fucking Brunettes. I guess I should be fucking glad that you believe some part of the population is off limits."

"Shit, Bella. I'm sorry I said that. I just, well fuck - I just want to be honest with you."

She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. "I have a few more condition on the dating thing."

"What?"

"First, you do so exclusively. No fucking random chicks. You wait until I'm ready and have a relationship with me alone."

It's fucking disgusting to admit, but I did have to consider it for a few seconds. I was already so fucking wound up I needed stress relief and my hand just didn't fucking cut it. But it was Bella. Bella was worth the serious case of blue-balls I would no doubt encounter. I nodded.

"Thank you."

"What else?"

"You stop drinking, and drugs if you are on any."

I shook my head. "I'm not on anything illegal, not anymore. But I don't understand why I have to stop drinking completely, it's not like I'm a fucking alcoholic."

She considered me for a second. "Fine, not completely then. But you've got to stop drinking to excess and definitely not as a solution to problems."

"I can try. All of what you are saying, what you are asking, I promise I will try."

"I would say that's all I can ask, but instead I'll say this – whenever you think you are trying your best, then try just a little harder. Make yourself someone who is worthy of that little girl. She's the one I need to protect here."

"Some people would say I'm a pretty fucking good catch."

She smiled slightly. "And they'd be right – once you've sorted yourself out."

She kissed my cheek and walked off. I sat for a second, dazed, unsure whether I should follow her or not.

**

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A/N – Okay I will have a BPOV outtake for reviewers of this chap but it's not quite finished yet so you'll have to be patient. I'll try to have it out within 24 hours of this chap going up though.

**Also I forgot to mention - if you don't know what Klues are there is a link in my profile & there is also a link to the new V8 supercar ad (www . youtube . com/watch?v=UF2yuWHalYc - remove spaces to get it to work) featuring Pink & some of the hottest V8 drivers. Ah if only Eddie was there too! LOL**


	16. Let's Ride

**Chapter 16: Let's Ride**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

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I sat for a minute before deciding that I would go after Bella. I wanted to show her that I would follow her lead in things for now. To take it as fast or as slow as she wanted to. But also that I thought we could be friends again. Because if you stripped away all the other shit that was going on with us, we had actually gotten along well.

"Bella!" I called.

She stopped and then turned back towards me, the small smile from before gone from her face. "What is it, Edward?"

"I just wanted to ask you if you'd like to go shopping with me?"

She burst out laughing. When she collected herself she raised an eyebrow at me. "Shopping?"

I nodded.

"Why on God's green earth would _I _wantto go shopping?"

I felt my face fall. I hadn't expected a rejection quite that harsh.

A look of horror crossed Bella's features at something she saw in my face. "I didn't mean it like that, Edward. I'm not saying I don't want to spend time with you, as a friend, but I just don't understand... why _shopping_."

"Oh, fuck, sorry I should have fucking explained. I _need _to go shopping – all I brought with me was winter stuff I packed for London. I just thought you might, I don't fucking know. Oh fuck it." I couldn't seem to form fucking words for some reason. I turned to walk back to the bench, this was a fucking mistake. I should have just sat still and shut up until she was gone.

Bella's hand came down on my arm, my eyes shot to it, unbelievingly.

"It's okay," she said. "I'd love to come shopping with you."

"Good 'cause I've got no fucking clue when it comes to this shit."

She chuckled darkly. "And you think I do? Obviously you don't remember me very well."

I thought about it for a minute, and then remembered that despite regular visits to the Grand Plaza when we were younger we'd very rarely actually shopped and found myself laughing.

"If you want style advice Jake's probably a better companion to take shopping," she teased.

I decided two could play at that game so I looked her over. "Yeah probably. Do you have his number?"

She laughed. "So you don't want to take me now?"

I pretended to sigh. "Well, I mean you're obviously no Jake, but I guess you'll do."

She slapped my chest and smiled, not one of those half-hearted small smiles she'd been giving me before, but a true fucking light-up-the-room type of smile.

"You're so fucking beautiful when you smile," I said unthinkingly.

The smile fell straight away and she looked away from me and sighed. "Look, Edward, I'm willing to try and be friends. I'm even willing to try dating with the conditions we've discussed. But I can't have you saying shit like that to me - it's not fair."

I mumbled an apology even though I didn't want to apologise because it was just the fucking truth. Then I said, "Bella, you're going to have to tell me what to do alright? I'm just not fucking sure how to handle any of this shit. I just know I wanna try. If I step over the mark just fucking tell me to shut up or something – don't push me away."

She nodded and a hint of a smile crept back onto her face. She held out her hand to me. "I guess _this_ is okay."

I grabbed her hand and led her back to mum's house to get my car. Truthfully, we could have walked to the Plaza, but I didn't want to have to lug home a pile of heavy fucking bags if I actually managed to find some clothes that fit my ass and were decent quality in this fucking town. I fucking hated needing to go shopping. I very fucking rarely went shopping for myself, most of my wardrobe consisted of fucking gifts from sponsors. They generally ate that shit up if you were caught out and about in public wearing one of their shirts. It's what they paid for after all.

The walk back to the house was just as silent as the walk to the bench, and again our hands didn't break contact the whole way. I pulled my car keys out of my pocket and unlocked the Monaro. I opened the passenger door and held it open for Bella. She climbed in and took a deep breath. My car may have been a couple of years old - it was the last CV8 Monaro off the production line and I had wanted to buy that shit for prosperity - but I kept it pristine, so it still had the new car smell. And the smell of the leather seats was fucking intoxicating. I smiled to myself that Bella noticed that shit too.

"Nice car," she said as I started the engine.

"Thanks." I smiled at her. "I didn't think you liked cars though?"

I put it in first, checked the road and then squealed off from the kerb. I revelled in the sounds that issued from my baby. I always loved the fucking soft purr that came from the engine. I'd even put a new exhaust system on the beast to get the note just right.

Bella laughed, but I wasn't sure what at and when I looked at her she shook her head to indicate she wasn't going to tell me. "I guess between you and Jake I didn't have much choice really."

"He's into cars too?"

She laughed, "Yeah. He's more into fours though. He's got a Silvia."

"Fucking ricer."

"I don't know - he gets that thing to do some crazy shit. He got a 14.8 at the drags."

I couldn't help but be slightly impressed by the numbers although I wasn't going to admit that to her. Even though I knew he wasn't interested in her like that, I still fucking felt like he was my rival for her attention. I couldn't help but be a jealous that he was the one who got her into cars. Because she'd _never_ been interested in that shit before I left. So instead of saying anything complimentary I turned to her and raised my eyebrow. "You wanna see how a real fucking car drives?"

She shrugged but the corners of her mouth turned up slightly. "I can't be gone too long. I need to pick Phoebe up from mum's soon."

I shook my head. "This won't fucking take long."

Then I had a thought. "Actually, why don't we go to Garden City for shopping instead of the shithole here? Kill two birds and all that."

She shrugged again. I took that as an acceptance and drove towards motorway. As I hit the onramp, I slowed right down, checked there was no one behind me and pulled to a complete stop. Then, when the motorway ahead was clear enough, I dropped the clutch and floored the accelerator, slamming through each gear and pinning Bella back in her seat with the G-force of my take-off. This shit felt good. This shit felt right. This was what I was made to do. Then I hesitated because I wasn't sure about Bella's reaction. I honestly thought she would scream or get pissed with me like she used to when I pulled this shit. But she fucking surprised me by fucking giggling and fuck it sounded good. It made me forget everything that had happened in the last four years. I was simply a fucking boy taking his girl for a drive. I finally flicked it into 6th when we reached 150k/hr.

I blasted down the motorway for as long as I could before turning off to go to Garden City. For all I fucking knew this place could have been torn down or whatever but I assumed Bella would have said something if it had been and it always used to be bigger than the Grand Plaza so I figured it still would be. As it turns my instinct was right - it was fucking huge. The sort of place you could get fucking lost in. I parked my car and jumped out to get Bella's door, but she was already halfway out by the time I got to her side so I just offered her my hand and shut the door behind her. I locked up the car and prayed to high fucking heaven that no one fucking touched it. For their own fucking sake.

I walked into the shopping centre and freaked the fuck out.

"Where the hell am I supposed to go to get clothes from?" I thought out loud.

I didn't really expect a response but Bella laughed and pulled my hand, tugging me away from the food court and in the direction of some shops. We passed a surf shop and I pulled her inside. I grabbed a few pairs of board shorts and a couple of surf tees and proceeded to the change rooms. Usually I wouldn't have given a shit whether they fit or not or what they looked like on me, but I wanted to fucking prolong the time I spent with Bella. The fact that it meant she had to fucking look at my body to see whether they fit properly was just an added fucking bonus.

We spent the next hour going from shop to shop but I only found two pairs of shorts and three fucking shirts that Bella said looked good. I wasn't going to buy anything that she didn't like. Not now. But that shit wasn't going to be enough to get me through for long. Which meant that I had a good fucking excuse for another day like this. I smiled internally but sighed outwardly. "I guess we should head back?"

I glanced up and noticed we were back where we started from, near the food court.

Bella looked at her watch and nodded. "Do you mind getting something to eat first?"

_Fuck no_. I shrugged. "What do you feel like?"

She shrugged. "KFC I guess?"

"Okay, my treat."

She looked like she was going to argue. I put my finger on her lips. "For dragging you around against your will."

She laughed and muttered something about it not being totally against her will but relented.

* * *

On the way back to the Browns Plains, Bella's phone rang. She had a quick discussion with whoever it was and then hung up.

"We'll go straight to my house, if that's alright?" She asked.

"Of course, but what about Phoebe? Isn't she at your mum's house?"

"Jake picked her up and took her home after her nap."

I felt my eyebrows scrunch reflexively. "Are those two close?"

"I guess, I mean he's practically been a father to her since she was born. So she's comfortable around him at least."

"Does she love him?" _Do I really want to know?_

Bella shrugged. "Yeah, as much as a three-year old loves anyone. He dotes on her though."

I wanted to say that it was alright, that I understood, but I couldn't. My fucking chest burned too much. I knew I had no right to be angry about it. I knew I only had myself to blame but I just couldn't get over the fact that some other fucker was playing dad to my daughter. I fumed.

"She takes after you so much," Bella said. I could tell it was a distraction. I wondered how she knew exactly the right moments to fucking distract me. "She's a little hothead too. And so stubborn."

"Stubborn?" I asked, my eyebrow raised. "I seem to recall you had the market cornered on stubborn."

In the rear-vision mirror I saw her open her mouth to say something, but then she shut it again almost immediately.

"What?" I asked.

She shook her head.

"Tell me what you were going to say, please?"

"Uh-uh, no way."

"What were you saying about stubbornness being my trait?" I laughed.

She laughed. "Okay you have a point, but you still out-stubborn me."

"What makes you say that?" I asked. Then I groaned, because I saw the way her eyes were filled with sadness and realised exactly what made her say that. Despite the news she had to give me, she'd given up calling me long before I would have ever accepted her call. In fact, even if she'd called every fucking day for the past four years I probably wouldn't have answered the phone. It was only by pure fucking chance that we were forced together on that fucking plane – if not for that, I'd still be ignorant to all of this.

Some say ignorance is bliss, I say fuck that shit I'd rather know this shit and have this fucking pain then still be fucking around through life wondering exactly what the fuck was wrong with me. Now at least I knew what was wrong – regret. I regretted leaving Bella, but I also knew I would have regretted not going to Cullen Racing. My life was destined to be filled with regrets whichever path I took. And now I was fucking whinging like a bitch.

"Forget I asked," I said quickly.

Bella nodded slightly. We were quiet the rest of the trip home, except for Bella's whispered directions to her house as we drew closer.

I pulled the car up to the kerb near her house. She seemed as reluctant to leave as I was for her to go.

"Thank you," I said. "For coming today. I think you saved me from a few fashion disasters."

She blushed but was staring at her hands. "I don't know about that. I just told you what I preferred. Nothing really looks bad on you."

"That sounds almost like a compliment."

She raised her eyes to mine and then lifted one eyebrow. "Are you fishing for one?"

"Would I have to fish hard?" I teased.

She sighed. "Of course you're hot, Edward. But you fucking know it, which does take away some of the appeal."

"I don't know if I'm going to get in trouble again for this shit, Bella, but I was telling the truth before when I said you were beautiful. I mean you were always fucking beautiful but now you are just stunning."

She blushed and her eyes dropped back to her hands. I wasn't sure what to expect when she opened her mouth but finally she raised her eyes again and whispered, "Thank you."

"It's just the truth." I brushed a strand loose of hair behind her ear. The electric current that passed between us seemed to run from my fingers and down into the pit of my stomach. She closed her eyes lightly and leaned ever so slightly into my touch. I fucking wanted to reach across and kiss her. I wanted my tongue to reside inside her mouth and never leave. But instead I dropped my hand and leaned back slightly, feeling a little breathless but in a good way.

Bella exhaled a breath I didn't realise she'd been holding. It quavered a little as it came out. She put her hand on the door handle. I had to stop her. I didn't want our day to be over yet. As hard as it had been this morning it was fucking fantastic this afternoon. The whole time we'd been shopping, we'd bantered and joked and were friends. We fell straight back into how it had always been for us. It was just fucking natural for us.

I had to think of some way to prolong our time together. I could only think of one. "Can I meet her?"

As soon as the words had left my mouth I realised it wasn't _just _a way to stay with Bella. I actually genuinely wanted to meet Pheobe now. I don't know if it was because Bella had told me about our similarities, or whether it was something I wanted all along but just couldn't admit to myself, but I suddenly had a burning and urgent desire to meet my daughter.

Bella seemed to consider my words and stared at my face for a long while. She chewed on her lip anxiously.

"I don't care how you introduce me, you can just say I'm a fucking friend of the family or whatever, but please, Bella? Please let me do this."

She chewed her lip for another half a minute. "On one condition."

"You and your fucking conditions," I muttered, but tried to keep my tone light. I knew she had every right to be as fucking demanding as she wanted. But fuck.

She rolled her eyes. "Just watch your mouth, please." Bella paused and I thought that she was just admonishing me for my muttering until she continued, "She picks things up very easily."

I nodded. "I'll try."

Suddenly, my heart was pounding in my chest. Could I do this? I was _going_ to do this, but fucking could I?

Bella smiled at me quickly and then turned and opened her door. I was stuck where I was. I took a deep breath and eventually found the strength to open my door and climb out too. I shut the door to my car harder than I usually would and cursed myself for slamming it. If anyone else had fucking done that and I'd have been all up in their face. But at the moment, I was dazed. Bella seemed to realise that.

"Are you sure you're ready to do this?"

I shook my head. I took another deep breath. "No, I'm not sure. But I want to do this and I don't know if I'll ever really be ready."

She chewed on her lip again. "Would you rather wait until you've had some time to discuss it with someone else?"

I knew she was referring to the agreement that I see a shrink. But I shook my head. If I didn't do this now there would always be some other reason, some other excuse. But underneath it all I knew what my fucking problem was – this little girl would have a pull over me 100 times stronger than Bella. I knew that in the very depths of my soul and that frightened the living shit out of me.

Bella grabbed hold of my hand. "You can do this, she's just a little girl. She won't bite... hard." She laughed.

I walked to the house, unsure how my feet were moving because I sure as shit knew I was telling them to. Bella pushed open the door. "Jake? Pheebs?"

My heart thundered in my ears until it was drowned out by an excited squeal, "Mummy!"

The little girl from the photo, the miniature Bella with my eyes rounded the corner. Her eyes widened and she froze in place when she saw me. Bella bent over and put her arms out and Phoebe ran into them. She wrapped her tiny arms around Bella's neck and Bella stood, pulling Phoebe up with her. She whispered into Phoebe's ear, "This is Edward. He's a friend of mummies."

Phoebe's face lit up into a huge smile, it looked just like my fucking smile, when Bella said my name. Her eyes were bright as she declared, "Edward... Auntie Rose's friend."

"What's that sweetie?" Bella asked.

My heart started to thunder again. I wondered whether or not Bella knew about that phone call and I didn't want her to be pissed at me if she didn't. Thankfully, the moment was interrupted by Jake coming out from the hallway. "Hey, Bells. Oh, hi again, Edward."

I nodded, but didn't look at him. I couldn't look anywhere else. The vision of Bella and Phoebe was too much for me to tear my eyes from. Singly they were each beautiful, but the two of them together like that was enough to fucking cleave my heart in two at any thought of leaving.

"Are you going to come to my birthday party Edward?" Phoebe asked.

My mouth was dry, I couldn't even think of anything appropriate to say.

"Your birthday is a long way off, sweetie," Bella whispered. I could hear in her voice the doubt that I would still be around then. I wanted to tell them both that without a doubt I would be there, but I couldn't. There was too much that was still unknown. Too much damage still to fix. And the fact that I would be back in Sydney was a big fucking issue too.

I stood and stared at Phoebe, and she stared back at me, that fucking grin plastered across her face.

"You've got green eyes like me," she declared. _Fuck. _The elephant in the room grew exponentially.

"My hair's different though," I said, unsure how the fuck to talk to a child.

"It's pretty. My hair's brown."

I smiled. "It's pretty too, like your Mummy's."

I noticed Bella was tense and looked uncomfortable through our exchange. I wanted desperately to alleviate the tension, but I knew of only one way I could and I didn't want to fucking do it, not yet. But I did for Bella. For the first time in fucking years I did something I didn't want to for the sake of someone else. "Well, thanks for the help today, Bella. I'll...um... I'll be heading off now. I will see you later yeah?"

She nodded, the look of relief on her face astonishing and fucking depressing. I turned to leave. Then I debated with myself for one second before turning and giving Bella and then Phoebe a quick peck on the cheek. I swept out the door before my resolve to leave dissolved completely. I pull the door shut behind me and then braced myself against it for a few seconds, knowing my life was different. Because I knew my life was no longer my own – it belonged to that little girl with the emerald eyes.

* * *

**A/N:- I will have a BPOV reviewers scene for this one**

**Also I have put some links in my profile to some of the cars in case you are not sure what they are I have put Edward's CV8 Monaro, Jasper's XU1 Torana & Jacob's Silvia. **

**Not sure if everyone is familiar with the term 'ricer', but it is a term used to refer to four-cylinder cars which are stickered up, regardless of whether or not they have the goods under their hood & is usually used in a derogatory fashion by V8 drivers to refer to any four-cylinder cars. **

**The 14.8 that Bella comments Jake pulled at the drags refers to the elapsed time his run (the number of seconds it takes to get up the quarter-mile from a standing start). It is a fairly respectable time. Most standard cars run between 15-20, the highly modified custom street drag cars are usually around the 10-14 mark. The top-fuellers & funny cars, which are the ones with custom bodies & are the 'elite' drag cars are usually 5-10 seconds. **

**Also I'm sure you know by now but in case you don't - I am on twitter mg82 :)**


	17. Shrink

**Chapter 17****: Shrink**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

Mum was out when I arrived home from dropping Bella off. I hoped like fuck she had left me a spare key somewhere because I had no idea where my house keys were. I couldn't even remember if I'd taken them with me when I went to Sydney. But if I had, I hadn't brought them back up with me - and I certainly hadn't grabbed any before I left on my walk with Bella. I searched in all the usual hiding spots, but couldn't see anything. Even the letterbox was empty. I decided Mum was probably punishing me for being gone for so long without a phone call.

I walked through the gate into the backyard to wait. I sat at the outdoor setting and pulled out my phone. I turned it on for the first time in over a week. I decided it was time to face the messages from Bathurst because despite the fact that almost two weeks had passed, I still hadn't looked at them. There was a steady stream from Jasper, all containing pretty much the same sentiments he'd offered the night before I left for London when he'd arrived unannounced on my doorstep. There were a few dozen from Alice, the latest one from yesterday. Somehow, she knew I was back in the country and she wanted to catch up. _Fuck me_. How could I explain to anyone from Cullen Racing what I was doing in Brisbane? Especially when it was still so fucking up in the air with Bella and I. How could I even begin to tell them about Phoebe or worse – Emmanuel. I was still trying to fucking understand that myself, I didn't think I could explain it to anyone else.

I'd barely finished reading the messages when my phone rang. Alice's number flashed up on the screen. I thought about not answering it for a second but knew what Alice was like. The fact that the phone was ringing would tell her my phone was on and if I hung up on her now, I'd never hear the end of it. She'd probably send me out on slicks when it was going to pour down with rain. I decided it was best not to fuck with anyone who has your safety in their hands.

"Hello, Alice."

"The missing man himself."

"I wasn't missing, Alice. I was in London. I know you know that."

"But you got back the night before last and I haven't had a single phone call from you." Somehow I just knew she was pouting as she said that.

"I decided that I needed more of a break away from everyone."

"What do you mean? Wasn't that the point of London? Why'd you leave if you still needed to be away?"

"Didn't really like it. It was too cold for me." God this lying shit was easy.

"Sure." She didn't sound like she bought the lie. "So where are you now?"

"In Brisbane."

All I heard was her stunned silence.

"You there, Alice?"

"You're in Brisbane?"

"Yeah."

"Seriously?"

"Alice, why on earth would I lie about where I am?"

"I just... well, I guess, I just didn't think you'd go back there."

"I've come to Brisbane plenty of times." Which was technically true – although this was the first time I'd returned to Browns Plains. Usually I gave it as wide a berth as possible.

"Sure, I guess – usually with someone from here though. So where abouts in Brisbane are you?"

Fuck, she was annoying. I could lie again, but I found I didn't really want to lie to Alice. She was the closest thing to a friend I had in Sydney. Fuck – she was the closest thing I had a to a friend full stop. "Browns Plains."

She laughed, a nervous kind of chuckle. "I really didn't think you'd ever go back _there_."

_You and me both._ I decided to play her for a bit and see if she'd admit to the whole talking about me to my mother behind my back thing. "Why not Alice? My parents are here after all."

"I didn't think you got along with your parents?" I could hear the hesitation in her voice.

"Is that just a gut feeling?" I paused but not long enough for her to answer. "Or something you gleaned from your conversations with my mother?"

To my surprise Alice laughed but there wasn't a trace of embarrassment in her voice. "She told you about that did she?"

"Some of it."

"Lizzie and I have become close over the years."

_Lizzie?_

"She's really lovely, and she was really worried about you."

"Yeah, when I went off the deep end four fucking years ago. That doesn't explain continued conversations." _Or Lizzie!_

I could almost hear the eye-rolling going on at her end. "You think I shouldn't care about her just because she's your mother?"

"Really, I don't give a fuck whether you're friends with her or not, I just don't like people sneaking around behind my fucking back. Especially not people who I fucking counted as a friend."

"Edward, of course I'm your friend and Jasper is too."

"Leave that fucking boyfriend of yours out of it."

She chuckled. "If you'd just given him a black-eye in return like usual you wouldn't be so pissed at him right now."

I couldn't argue because I knew she was right but I was still pissed. Although at what exactly I wasn't sure anymore – the world in general would do. "I bet the three of you thought it was fucking hilarious talking about all my dirty laundry."

I could definitely hear the eye-rolling this time and her voice dripped with sarcasm as she spoke. "Yes, Edward. You're right. We do nothing else with our time but talk about you. I have no other reason for calling your mother."

I sighed. I didn't need her giving me this sarcastic shit. I was really starting to regret turning my phone back on.

Her tone snapped back to normal, if still slightly pissy. "It might surprise you to learn this, but the world doesn't revolve around you. Yes, you may have been the reason Lizzie and I started to talk but I honestly can't remember the last time you were discussed other than in passing. But anyway, I didn't call you up to fucking get abused."

"Sorry, Alice. I've just had a fucking stressful week."

She laughed. "You've had a stressful year."

I chuckled darkly. She was fucking right about that. And I knew what I needed to do to start fixing that. "Alice?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you still have Dr Laurent's number?"

'Sure. Somewhere at least. I can find it for you if you like. But I thought you stopped seeing him?"

"Yeah, I did."

"So why do you want his number?"

"'Cause he's the only fucking shrink I want to talk to. Is that okay with you?" I snapped.

"Yes, of course. Sorry for fucking asking. But, Edward, I think it's good you're going back to see him."

She honestly can't resist fucking sticking her nose into my business could she?

"Can you just text me that number when you find it."

"Sure thing, Edward. So can we expect to see you back in the office soon? I know Jasper is hanging for a night out."

"I don't know Alice, I'm not sure whether Carlisle wants me back before the testing in January. And besides, I'm not sure how long I'll be in Brisbane for."

"Mmmm? And what's so special that it's keeping you there for an extended stay?"

My heart hammered in my chest knowing the answer to that question. Well, the two answers. But I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk about it to anyone yet. Then again, Alice _would _be the most understanding, and it would be nice to have someone on my side of the fence knowing about it. "My daughter," I finally managed to whisper.

I got no response. I wasn't sure whether Alice had heard or not, but I sure as fuck couldn't speak again. Not without risking throwing up. My hands were shaking so badly I could barely hold the phone up to my ear.

"Your _what?_" Alice whispered back, her voice had no more volume than mine.

"Phoebe." Her name gave me a little bit of strength. "My daughter."

"Wow. You have a _daughter_. Wow. That's just... wow."

"I know."

"Do your parents know?"

I humphed.

"What?"

"They've fucking known all along. Ever since Bella found out she was pregnant."

"Wait, wasn't Bella your high school girl or something?"

"How the fuck would you know that Alice?" I knew I'd never told her. Only one person in Sydney knew about Bella and he was forbidden from telling anyone else under Doctor/Client privilege.

"It was just something your mum said, when I helped arrange the surprise meeting – wait did she tell you about that?"

"Yes, she fucking told me about that. Now, don't change the fucking subject."

"Well being a father hasn't cleaned your language up any."

"Alice..."

"Your mum said she wanted to tell you something about an ex girlfriend. She'd hoped that the two of you might work things out. I didn't have the heart to tell her you were out rooting all around town. She mentioned Bella's name then."

"Well la-de-fucking-da. I'm glad everyone knows all my shit."

"Edward, I'm hardly everyone. And I swear I knew nothing about your _daughter_." The way she said the word, her voice laced with surprise I recognised her words as truth.

"Whatever, Alice, I gotta go alright. Can you text me that number?"

"Is that why you haven't been able to concentrate on the track – because of your daughter?"

"No," I growled. "I only just fucking found out about her a week ago."

"Sorry, I had to ask."

"Alice – please don't tell anyone. I just want to sort shit out for myself first."

"Sure thing, Edward. And I'll get that number to you soon."

"Thanks, Alice."

I hung up the phone and stared at it until the message tone beeped indicating that I had a new message. I pulled up the number and looked at the clock though the kitchen window as I dialled. It was just after four in the afternoon. I knew Dr Laurent kept precise hours and closed the office at five. I figured I would have time to call quickly and maybe schedule a phone hook-up for tomorrow. After all, the sooner I spoke to him, the sooner I could take Bella out on a date. I rang the number and got an answering machine. I hung up the phone and as I did, I realised the time on my screen was just after five. I hurled the phone across the patio in frustration. I'd fucking forgotten that Queensland was too fucking backwards to introduce daylight savings – so they were a fucking hour behind Sydney during Summer. Damn. I'd fucking have to wait until the next day to speak to him.

I walked over and grabbed my phone to assess the damage. It had busted apart when it hit the wooden decking, but thankfully it worked when I pieced it back together again. I dialled Dr Laurent's number again. At least I knew he wasn't going to be there this time.

"Dr Laurent. It's E.M. I want to schedule an appointment for a phone consultation. Soon. Today if possible," I knew he wasn't going to get the message the next day so I left the message in anticipation of him checking it in the morning. "Sorry... about the last session. I'm not in Sydney, but call me to arrange a time and I'll call you back if you prefer." I rattled off both my mobile and mum's home number so that he would definitely be able to reach me. I wondered if he would call me back. Especially after what happened the last time we saw each other. It was hard to fucking believe that was almost a year ago. Just after I won the championship.

* * *

"I need more tablets, Doc. I'm just not fucking sleeping anymore."

"Edward, we've discussed this before. Giving you sleeping tablets is not going to help. They are a short term remedy. We need to find to cause for your insomnia." Dr Laurent's slight French accent usually made his voice calming but today it was just annoying the fuck out of me. I didn't understand why he couldn't just give me the fucking prescription and be fucking done with it. He'd been getting more difficult about giving me the prescription each time I came back.

"I know the fucking cause, Doc. I can't stop my mind from ticking over without the help of the fucking tablets."

He sighed. "You've supplemented illegal drugs with legal ones. I cannot in good conscious sign a prescription for a drug addict."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm hardly a fucking addict. I haven't touched the hard stuff for years now."

"You know a lot of people think that once an addict always an addict."

"I was never fucking addicted, alright? It was just a bit of fun and fuckery and when it went too far I came to see you. I gave it up."

"If you say so. Why don't we discuss what is keeping you awake at night."

"I told you, I just can't turn my fucking brain off."

"But you must be thinking about something? Is it to do with work? Are there any problems there?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "Do you fucking watch the news at all? I just fucking took the championship. Youngest driver ever to do it. So, no, there's no fucking problem at work."

"Well, there must be something? What about Bella?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "I fucking told you about her once because you asked about my past fucking relationships. I don't understand why you feel the need to fucking bring her up each fucking session. If I wanted to talk about Bella I would fucking talk about Bella. I don't - so case fucking closed."

"Do you dream about her?"

I flinched, because I did. Every fucking night she was there. I'd managed to purge her out of my waking thoughts of her, but there were two times when she invaded my life. In my fantasies if I ever indulged in the use of my hand – which was why it was easier to go to a club and pick up a whore - and at night when I closed my eyes. During those two times Bella was all I could see. "I thought I just said case fucking closed."

He chuckled. "And that makes me want to talk about it a bit more. You're not an off-limits type of guy, you've told me about your drug-use, about your drinking, about the violent acts you can remember and about your regular night-time activities. That makes me wonder why Bella is off-limits."

"Because she is," I snapped.

He raised his eyebrows at me. "That's all? 'Because she is.'"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why is she off-limits?" he asked patiently.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Why not?"

"Because," I snapped.

"In more than one word."

I sighed, he was really starting to grate on my fucking nerves. "Because she is in the past that's why."

"Everything we talk about is in your past."

"She's in my past as in another fucking life. I don't talk about my parents either. I don't talk about any of my old fucking school friends. Because they all belong to another part of my life that no longer exists."

"But they do still exist, Edward. Don't you see that? You can try to cut that part of yourself off but it's still there, it's still part of what makes you who you are. So why won't you tell me about Bella?"

"Because, I cannot stand to think about her. Because thinking about her fucking stresses me out too fucking much. Because every time someone mentions her fucking name I feel like someone has ripped out my heart and lungs and I don't fucking like feeling like that. So shut the fuck up about Bella fucking Swan." By the end of my rant I was standing and shouting at him, tears of rage pricking my eyes.

"Is it possible you still love her?" he almost whispered.

In the next instant, I had him pinned against the wall. To his credit he didn't even look afraid. "You are a fucking lunatic. Why the fuck do I pay you a small fucking fortune each fucking week. You don't do shit for me – you won't give me the one thing I fucking need and you insist on talking about the one topic I've said is off fucking limits." I pushed him a little harder. "Fuck you man, you're nothing but a two-bit fucking quack."

I kicked his coffee table over and slammed his door open. I stalked past the receptionist without a second glance. I'd never shown up for another session.

* * *

I sat reliving my memory, unsure what to do next. I took a deep breath and started to pace up and down the length of the patio. I had no idea how long it would be before Mum got home and until then I was locked out and unable to change or eat or anything. I could go for a drive, but where? The realisation of where I needed to be hit me like a lightning bolt.

I walked back to the front yard and grabbed a piece of paper from the car. I quickly jotted down a note for Mum letting her know I'd been home and that my mobile was on but that I was going for another walk. This one would take a bit longer but I didn't mind. The destination would be worth it.

I headed off, feeling refreshed by my new sense of purpose. I strode quickly through the streets, the journey quicker than when I was a teenager – but then again, I was fitter now so that wasn't a huge surprise. Less than twenty minutes later, I stepped into my old sanctuary. The location of many afternoons with Bella and the place we shared our first kiss. The meadow behind the school.

I walked into the centre of meadow and sat, breathing in the familiar scents. If I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend Bella was with me. I lay on my back, feeling the warmth of the ground beneath me and the slight breeze in the air. I kept my eyes closed. I felt at peace. I felt that I could turn my mind off for the first time in a long time. I still saw Bella as soon as my eyes were closed but I didn't fight it now. Instead, I spent my time revisiting all my favourite features; the way she bites on her lip when she nervous, the almost opaque colour of her skin, the pink shade she turns when she's embarrassed. From there, my thoughts turned to Phoebe. I wondered how many of those traits she had inherited from Bella. How much she was like me? I found a spark of curiosity burning deep within me and realised I wanted to know more about her. I wanted to know everything about her. I was determined that somehow Bella and I would make it work.

My mobile rang, startling me back to reality.

"Hello?"

"Edward. It's Dr Laurent. I believe you wanted to talk to me urgently."

"Fuck. I mean, thanks for calling back - I just didn't expect you to call so soon."

"You asked me to call you back today – I assume you have something you need to ask."

"I didn't think you'd check your message until tomorrow. But, Doc, I have to apologise, for... well... for the last time we spoke. I guess I just didn't know what was fucking going on in my head."

He chuckled a little. "That's usually the reason for seeing a psychiatrist isn't it?"

"I guess."

"I have to admit, I _was _a little bit surprised you decided to reach out to the two-bit quack though."

"Shit, you know I didn't fucking mean that."

"I've known you long enough to know you don't say anything you don't mean, at least on some level. But enough about last time, to what do I owe the pleasure now?"

"I need to sort some shit out. I've got some fucking deep shit to sort out."

"Are you back on drugs, Edward? Is that why you've been crashing."

_Why does every fucker have an opinion on why I've been fucking crashing? _"No. I'm not back on the fucking drugs. I just need to fucking know whether you'll help me with some phone sessions over the next few weeks."

"I can probably pencil you in. I'll have Irina call you in the morning. Are there any particular times of day that would be better for you?"

"Any time is fine. I just need at least one a day for the next few weeks."

"Everyday?"

"Yep."

He seemed to consider it for a while. "I guess if you want a session a day I can get Irina to squeeze you in."

I smiled to myself. An hour a day on the phone with Dr Laurent would be absolutely worth a date every night with Bella. After all – she was the one who made me agree to the condition of one date per session, but she'd never specified how many sessions she wanted me to have or a maximum number.

I said good-bye to Dr Laurent and tossed my phone to the side. I lay back down and closed my eyes greeting my visions of Bella again. I must have started to drift off to sleep because a sound near my head woke me. I turned my head toward it and saw a sight that made me leap to my feet in surprise.

**

* * *

****A/N:- Bella is being quiet at the moment so there'll be no BPOV scene for reviewers. However I might have another character tell me a little story to pass onto you so you will get something for reviewing but exactly what\who will be a surprise :)**


	18. Two on One

**Chapter 18****: Two on one**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

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A pair of emerald green eyes and a shining bright smile, set in tiny little face surrounded by a curtain of brown hair looked down at me seconds before I leapt to my feet.

"Fu - " I threw my hand over my mouth before the word could come out. I was shocked. I hadn't been expecting to see Phoebe again so soon and I definitely hadn't expected her to fucking sneak up on me while I was lying in the middle of the meadow. I looked up and saw Bella standing timidly over the other side of the meadow.

I stared at Bella as if she were an apparition. Just moments ago I had my eyes closed and was going over her face and body in my mind again and again. But seeing her now, I realised my memory was not accurate. In my memory Bella was beautiful. Standing in front of me she was fucking astronomical - nothing less than an Aphrodite.

Bella stood staring at me, seemingly just as transfixed.

"Look, Mummy – it's your friend, Edward." Phoebe's voice suddenly filled the air between us, drawing my attention.

"That's right, sweetie," Bella cooed at Phoebe. She walked a few steps further into the meadow. "I don't think we'll stay here tonight though, Edward probably wants to be alone."

"No," I said quickly. "Don't leave on my account." I wasn't sure why Bella was here but I didn't want to force her out. "Why don't you stay?"

Bella bit her lip and stared at me.

"I need to talk to you anyway," I continued. "I mean - if that's okay with you?"

Bella looked undecided for a few moments. She glanced at Phoebe and I could almost see her weighing up her options. I breathed a fucking sigh of relief when she started walking over to me. I sat back down on the grass and she sat beside me. She unloaded a few toys from a backpack she was carrying. She threw a small soft soccer ball at Phoebe who squealed and started to throw it away and chase it around.

Bella watched me cautiously. "What did you want to talk about?"

"I did it." I smirked at her, knowing she had no idea what I was talking about. "I called Dr Laurent, my psychiatrist, and he's going to organise for me to start sessions tomorrow." I didn't want to tell her I'd arranged daily sessions just yet.

She raised her eyebrow at me. "That was fast. I'd expected you to think it over a little bit first."

I shrugged, "What's to think over? I've already told you I want to make a go of this," I waved my hand between the two of us. "You've already told me that to do that I need to see a fu - " I saw her eye narrow and shoot over to glance at Phoebe before settling back on me – right I've got to watch my fucking language - "that I need to see a shrink."

She shook her head sadly. "It's not going to be a quick fix."

I rolled my eyes. "You think I don't fucking know that?" I put my hand over my mouth once I realised I had let loose a fucking swear word. I was used to talking without swearing when I fucking needed to, like at press conferences and shit like that, but when it came to any emotive issues the words tended to just fucking fall out without any conscious thought. I realised it was going to take a lot of effort to watch my mouth around Phoebe.

She stared down at her hands. "You've done a lot of hurtful things."

I sighed. "I know. And I can never really apologise enough for them all. But we had a good day today didn't we?"

She nodded. "Yes." Her eyes remained fixed on her hands.

"What is it, Bella. Please talk to me?"

"I keep waiting for it to happen."

"For what to happen?" I asked, confused at her change of tact.

"For me to say something, or do something, that makes you run away screaming."

I put my finger on her chin and directed it towards me until I could capture her eyes. "I'm done running, Bella. Running hasn't made me happy."

Her eyes penetrated through me right to my soul, if it even still existed after the shit I'd done. She seemed to be searching for something. She shrugged and looked away. "We'll see." There was a definite sadness in her voice.

I knew there was no point fucking arguing. The only way to convince her that I had changed was to fucking show her that I had changed. And there was no time like now to start. "So are we on for tomorrow night then?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I've got a session with the doc tomorrow, so that means you owe me one date. If we're going one for one, like we agreed, it'll be easier to have the date on the same day as the session won't it? So we don't fu–... so we don't lose count."

She laughed a little, but it wasn't a proper laugh, there was no joy in it. "Aren't you getting sick of me yet? You've seen me every day since being in Brisbane."

I brought my hand up to her face, wrapping my fingers around her cheek. There was a brief second when she closed her eyes and leaned into my hand. "And if I had my way I'd see you every day the whole time I'm here." I still wasn't going to tell her my plan about daily dates, but I was damn certain I would make it work.

She recoiled, but I wasn't sure whether it was from my words or my touch. I saw there were tears in her eyes and they were threatening to spill. "I can't... I'm not going to pretend everything is perfect..."

Phoebe selected that moment to interrupt. Apparently she was bored of playing by herself with the ball. I grabbed it off of her gently and then cast what I hoped was a winning smile but really I had no idea because I'd never been a kid person, so I had no fucking clue what I was doing or what to expect. "Do you want to play soccer?"

Phoebe scrunched her nose up, her green eyes sparkled in the slowly fading sunlight. "What's that?"

"It's a game. You kick the ball up the field and try to get it in the goal."

"What's a goal?"

"In soccer it's a piece of metal that's shaped like this," - I made the shape of a soccer goal with my fingers - "and it has a net on the back."

She looked up and down the field, obviously trying to find the goals. "There's none here so we can't play."

"Sure we can." I pulled myself to a kneeling position and whispered into her ear, "we can _pretend _there are goal posts." Then I pulled back and furrowed my brow. "Do you know what pretend means?" She was fucking three, I didn't know what shit she did or didn't know.

She nodded enthusiastically."It's when it's not real. Like my daddy, I pretend him all the time."

It was such an innocent statement, said with no malice or hatred,and yet somehow it hurt more than the worst fucking insult that had ever been hurled at me. How the fuck did a three year old girl know exactly what to say to break my fucking heart? I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath.

"Edward, you don't have to do this, we can go," Bella said.

I shook my head, steeled my resolve and plastered a fake smile on my face. "How about a game of two on one?"

Bella seemed to consider it for a moment and then nodded. I picked up my phone and slid it into my pocket. Then I grabbed her backpack and moved it over to the side of the meadow and we started our impromptu game of two-on-one soccer. Technically it was Bella and Phoebe against me, but what happened in reality was that Bella or I would kick the ball softly to Phoebe who would boot it in any direction and jump up and down declaring she got it in the goal. She was too fucking cute to argue with.

The 'game' continued for around half an hour or so until Phoebe decided she was bored with it and wanted to pick flowers instead. Who knew three year olds were so fucking fickle.

Bella and I walked slowly behind Phoebe as she started to duck in and out of the trees around the meadow finding flowers and yanking the tops off. Then she'd get bored with the one she picked on move onto another colour.

"Why did you come here, Edward?" Bella asked quietly.

"I don't know, Mum was out and I didn't see the point hanging around home when I couldn't even get in the fucking house."

"Please watch your mouth," Bella said, but she smirked so there was no real anger.

"Sorry." I shrugged. "Habit."

She nodded. "You'll work on that won't you?"

I smirked at her. "I'll try."

She laughed at the reference to our previous conversation. "Fair enough. But that doesn't explain why you came here though, just why you're not at home."

I stopped walking for a second, contemplating what she was asking. Why did I come here? Did I even really know? "I guess I just wanted to be reminded how good we were. And we were good weren't we?"

She nodded. "Yeah, we were good."

"Until I fucked it up."

She laughed. "Yeah, until then."

We fell into silence as we walked side by side. I could hear Phoebe talking to herself and to the trees and to any fucking thing that would listen.

"Well, I told you why I'm here. Why are you here?"

"Phoebe and I come here almost every day. It's the one place that's just ours. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for all the support I get from Jake and my family, but sometimes I think I just need some time to be alone with her."

"I'm sorry for intruding on it. Are you sure you wouldn't rather I left?"

She shook her head. I reached out and grabbed her hand in mine. She didn't pull away which made me smile. She glanced over at me and smiled in reply. It was like it always had been - when I was with Bella none of the other shit mattered, nothing else mattered, but then we'd part company and all my shitty thoughts would come flooding back in.

Phoebe came back to us with three flowers in her hands. "Mummy, which one do you want?"

Bella put on a look of mock concentration. "Um, let me see. The yellow one?"

Phoebe beamed at her and passed her the yellow one.

It was still so surreal seeing the blend of Bella and I in a walking, talking little package. A fucking cute little package with the perfect mix of each of us. I began to wonder what she would look like as she got older, and instantly regretted the thought because she would get older - and no doubt prettier - and then she would date. Fuck me. I didn't even want to think about thatm but I couldn't help it. Questions came unbidden into my mind. Would she have her heart broken by some dick? Would she find someone who was good to her? Would she be the sort to go to clubs and fuck random asshole strangers? God, I hoped not. It may have been hypocritical of me, in fact there was no fucking _may_ about it – it was hypocritical of me, but she was too good for that. She was too good for every fucking man that walked this earth or ever would. My free hand went to the bridge of my nose as I tried to put the thoughts out of my head before I went fucking crazy. For some unknown reason, I had a sudden compulsion to lock her into a room and never let her back out again.

Bella seemed to sense my stress, or maybe she just fucking knew my tells too well, and gripped my hand a little tighter with hers, as if trying to hold me in place. "What is it Edward?"

I knew it would sound stupid to Bella, fuck it sounded stupid to me, but I wanted to be honest with her and I didn't want her to imagine the worst possible scenario for what was stressing me out. I looked at Bella, stress eating me alive from the inside. "She's going to _date_."

A look of shock passed Bella's features for a second before she burst out laughing. She laughed so hard, for so long, that tears started to run down her face. Phoebe started to chuckle at Bella. I stood there open-mouthed because that was not the fucking reaction I expected. My stress grew into aggravation as the laughter continued. The longer the laughter went on, the more my irritation grew.

"I'm glad you find it fucking amusing," I murmured at her.

Bella wiped a tear from her eye. "Sorry. It's just... well, for someone who wasn't sure he even was ready for this you've jumped on the protective ship pretty quickly."

She seemed to choose her words carefully. I noticed she didn't use the words 'dad' or 'father'.

"It's alright, Edward. That's years away. And when the time comes, I'll deal with it."

I shook my head. "We'll deal with it. Together."

Bella dropped my hand and looked away.

"What is it?" I asked.

She quickened her step a little and scooped Phoebe up, walking in a bee-line to her back-pack. "Just stop making promises you can't keep," she hissed at me on her way past. She put Phoebe on the ground near the bag. Bella knelt in front of her and whispered, "We're going home now, honey. Okay?"

Phoebe shook her head. "I want to play some more."

Bella closed her eyes and sighed. "Please sweetie, mummy wants to go now. If you're a good girl we'll get a treat, okay?"

Phoebe pouted but didn't complain. Bella started roughly shoving the toys back into the bag, I walked over and started to help but she pulled the bag off me.

"Bella, how can I get you to trust me?" I asked, needing an answer to that question.

"I can't... I just don't..." Bella just shook her head. She waved her hand at me in dismissal, put the bag over one shoulder and hitched Phoebe onto her hip and practically ran from meadow.

"Now who's running?" I shouted after her. I was pissed. I knew I had no right to be pissed, but I couldn't help it. My irritation was already peaked because of her laughter and now she was fucking running away.

She didn't respond and just kept going, disappearing into the trees before long. The last thing I saw was Phoebe turn and blow me a kiss before waving goodbye. A big part of me wanted to chase after them. But another part, the small part I was trying to silence – the part that wanted to run from Bella and her magnetic fucking draw - told me to stay the fuck where I was because she wasn't worth it. These two parts of me ripped at each other until I told the smaller part to shut the fuck up and ran after Bella. I escaped from the trees just in time to see her taillights disappear around the corner. I ran down the road after her, but she was gone.

I didn't know what this meant for us. Did she just need space? Should I chase after her or wait for her to call me? I knew I needed to calm down because my anger was still simmering through my veins, burning me from the inside.

I ran back to mum's house, covering the distance in about ten minutes. The front door stood open so I raced inside still undecided what I should do about Bella.

"Decided to grace us with your presence again did you?" Mum said.

"Mum just fucking don't alright. Not now."

"Don't talk to your mother like that," Dad's voice came from the kitchen.

"Well if it isn't the fucking invisible man," I snapped back at him. Then I ignored him as I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a can of coke out of the fridge. I was heading back out the door in under a minute.

"Edward!" Mum called after me. "What has gotten into you?"

"What the fuck do you think?"

She sighed. "Why don't you just tell me?"

"Bella. Bella's what is fucking wrong. Bella is what has always been fucking wrong."

"What did you do?"

"Nice, Mum, fucking nice. You know what? I'm sick of everyone assuming the fucking worst of me. I know I've done some fucked up shit. But seriously, don't I get any fucking credit for trying now?"

"One day doesn't make up for four years. It just can't. Especially considering how roughly you treated her when you first left."

Right... the three months I can barely remember. I closed my eyes and sighed. "Whatever. I'm going out. I don't know when I'll be back."

She nodded and then pressed a key into my hand. "Come home when you're ready."

I climbed into my car and gunned the engine. I peeled off towards from the kerb with a squeal and drove into the ever-darkening horizon. I needed to get away, to blow off some steam. Ten minutes later I was tearing down the motorway towards the Gold Coast doing at least 180km/hr and inching closer to home every second.

**A/N – Okay so I want to get some favs out of the way I've missed doing these the last few chaps that I posted so here goes:-**

**Almost Doesn't Count (Mrs_Robward) http:/www . fanfiction . net/s/5438780/1/**

**An Introduction to Swirl and Daisy (M81170) http:/www . fanfiction . net/s/5642262/1/ **

**Smoking in the Boys Room (CorrinaTFF) http:/www . fanfiction . net/s/5557057/1/ - She's also on Twitter & is great with mindfucks if you like those ;)  
**

**I have other favs (of course the 3 biggies are MoTU, EaOMP and UoEM) check them all out in my favs on my profile.**

**I heard this song this morning and felt it was very fitting for where Edward is at the beginning of this chapter (not so much at the end though I guess) http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=vXwTc4GBfFk**

**To be honest I don't know what's happening with BPOV scene on this one. She's not saying much to me at the moment so there may not be one. I guess I've set myself a precedent though so I will get something out to my wonderful reviewers, just not quite sure what yet.**

**:)**


	19. Unforgiven

**Chapter 19****: Unforgiven**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

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As I drove along the highway, I passed the rides at Dreamworld, the studios at Movieworld and the waterslides at Wet'n'Wild. I was on autopilot and my body knew where it wanted to go. I took the Smith Street exit off the highway and followed it though Surfers Paradise and onto the Spit. I was going to our old hangout. After I finally had my licence, halfway through year twelve, Bella and I came cruising regularly to the Spit with Ben and Angela. It had always bored Bella to tears because cars were never her thing, but she'd had Angela to talk to and had endured the rest of it for me. Of course the shitty Datsun I drove then was nothing compared to my Monaro.

I knew the Spit wouldn't be busy because it was a weeknight, but that didn't matter because I wasn't coming for company. In fact, I wouldn't have complained if I was the only car there. I pulled into the Seaworld car park and put the handbrake on, leaving the car running but not in gear. I locked my car so no fucker could disturb me. I thought about the last day and how much everything shifted and changed constantly with Bella. Just that morning I had no idea what to expect but then we'd agreed to try 'us', then we'd had fun at the shops, like old friends, and then I'd fucked it up in the meadow. I hadn't even expected to see her there. Why did I have to go there? If I hadn't, maybe I'd know where the fuck I stood now. Instead I was down the Gold Coast, trying to capture old memories of a better time.

I turned my stereo on, threw in a CD and cranked it up. The sounds of Metallica thumped from the stereo. I closed my eyes and let the general noise of the band and James Hetfield's voice take over my mind, drowning out my thoughts completely. I sat there allowing the music to distract me, tapping the drumbeat on my steering wheel. It worked. At least until track four came on and I felt like the song had been written for me and everything came flooding back. I started to sing along at the top of my lungs and vented my frustration through song. I was glad I was alone in the car park.

"_Lay beside me, tell me what they've done. Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run. The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true. If you can understand the me, than I can understand the you._

"_Lay beside me, under wicked sky. The black of day, dark of night, we share this paralyze. The door cracks open, but there's no sun shining through. Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through. No, there's no sun shining through. No, there's no sun shining... _

"_What I've felt, what I've known. Turn the pages, turn the stone. Behind the door, should I open it for you..._

"_What I've felt, what I've known. Sick and tired, I stand alone. Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you. Or are you unforgiven too? _

"_Lay beside me, this won't hurt I swear. She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again. She lay beside me, but she'll be there when I'm gone. Black heart scarring darker still, yes she'll be there when I'm gone. Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone. Dead sure she'll be there... _

"_What I've felt, what I've known. Turn the pages, turn the stone. Behind the door, should I open it for you..._

"_What I've felt, what I've known. Sick and tired, I stand alone. Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you. Or are you unforgiven too? _

"_Lay beside me, tell me what I've done. The door is closed, so are your eyes. But now I see the sun, now I see the sun. Yes now I see it..._

"_What I've felt, what I've known. Turn the pages, turn the stone. Behind the door, should I open it for you..._

"_What I've felt, what I've known. Sick and tired, I stand alone. Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you. Or are you unforgiven too?" _

I was just finishing the last chorus, with an extra flourish on the 'drums' on my steering wheel when I saw a security guard wandering over. I turned down my music and pushed the button to wind down my window.

He noticed he had my attention when he was halfway to my car.

"Sorry, son, this is private property. You can't park here."

I nodded and waved to let him know I would be going. I pushed repeat on the CD player before putting the car in gear and driving off. I spent twenty minutes circling the Gold Coast. I drove around the streets that once each year were closed off and became the Indy track. Those streets I knew fucking well after four years racing there in both production cars and V8s. Those streets I understood. I clung onto the corners in my car, craving familiarity. But there was nothing familiar there anymore. The track was cleared, the stands dismantled and the crowds tucked in their beds all around Australia and the world. The roads were just that – roads. I longed for the comfort of my race gear. The feeling of control that came from throwing the racecar around the track. I ached to feel in control of something - _anything_.

I pulled down Cavil Avenue where the nightclubs stood. The ones Bella and I had always talked about visiting but never had. I pulled the car over and entered one. I didn't see what the name was. I didn't really care. Something to do with moons or stars or some shit. I just wanted a drink. I longed for control, but if I couldn't have it... oblivion would do.

It cost me a ten fucking dollar cover charge to get into the club. I ordered a double whiskey and a Corona and was out another twenty. I downed the whiskey in one gulp and chased it with the beer. I realised at that rate it would cost me too much to get sufficiently blotto. Worse, I wasn't interested in chasing tail and the music was shit. All in all, there was no fucking way I would be able to relax in the club, so I left. I pulled into the first bottle-o I saw and bought two bottles of scotch.

I was back on the highway in minutes. I put 'Unforgiven II' on repeat and drank deeply on the bottle as I drove up the highway back to Browns Plains and straight to Bella's house. I wasn't happy with the way things had ended in the meadow and I needed to know where we stood. I just needed to get her to understand how much I needed her now. How inescapable she was for me.

I hadn't realised I had downed three quarters of the first bottle until I climbed out of the car and my legs didn't work quite the way they were supposed to. I staggered across her front lawn and banged on her door. "Bella!"

There was no answer from the dark little house. I banged again and shouted louder.

There was still no response. I tried for a third time and a light came on. Unfortunately, it wasn't a light in Bella's house but her neighbours. Less than a minute later, someone came out of that house. An old lady wearing a floral nightgown and a hideous pink velvet robe stared rudely at me.

"What are you doing banging like that at this hour of night?" the nosey old bitch asked.

"I gotta talk to Bella," I shouted at her. I couldn't seem to figure out how to find the volume control for my voice.

"Well, she's not there." The old bitch started to shut her door, closing my one connection to answers at the moment.

"Wait! Do you know where she is?"

Mrs. Nosey looked me up and down as if I were some animal pissing on her roses. "It's not really my place to say."

_Sure!_ I thought, _as if you don't fucking gossip all up and down this town_. I didn't recognise this old woman but I knew her type well enough. Lukily for me, I also knew how to charm them. I took a few steps towards her yard, careful not to actually enter it because that would put her off-side. I put my best smile on my face, hoping like fuck it worked but too drunk to tell for sure. "Please, it's really important. I have to talk to her, or at least get a message to her."

Mrs. Nosey looked me over again. "I know where she is. I can get a message to her for you."

"Tonight?" I interrupted.

She rolled her eyes. "It's too late to be politely calling on people, son."

"It's really urgent." I didn't know why it was so fucking urgent, just that I needed to see her again and I felt that if I didn't do it now, I'd never have another opportunity to try. I knew it was just my mind being irrational but I couldn't turn it off. I wondered if it was just the words of the song that had me so worried but I needed to see Bella to know that she would still try for there to be an us. I didn't understand why she couldn't just see that I was trying and allow me the opportunity to show her how devoted I could be. Why she ran every time the future was mentioned in passing or I told her how beautiful she was.

"Look, young man. I know Emmett and Rosalie wouldn't appreciate getting a phone call this time of night..."

I didn't listen to the rest of her sentence. I knew enough for now. I stumbled back to my car and climbed in. I pulled out my phone and brought up the internet. I flipped to the white pages and entered Swan of Browns Plains. There were fifteen names but only one E and R so I drove to the address listed for them. Why fucking call if I could just turn up. At least that way I can turn on the charm.

I finished the last of the bottle on the way to Emmett's. I needed courage to be able to face him again. I could clearly remember the pain of our last meeting - pain that severe takes a lifetime to forget. I parked the car one street over from their house. There was no point putting my baby in harm's way if Emmett decided to try to knock my block off. I wouldn't put it past Rosalie to fuck up my car somehow either.

I walked the short distance to Emmett's house, it seemed to take forever but I wondered whether that was because each of my steps seemed to take me further sideways than forward. I checked each letterbox carefully, taking all my energy to focus on the numbers to make sure I got the right house. Once I was certain I had the right one, I thanked the Lord because the house was still mostly lit up. Someone had to be awake at least. I banged on the door once but didn't call out for Bella. That would be a sure fire way to make sure she _wasn't _the one who answered.

The porch light came on above me and it drew my attention. I stared at it for a few moments blinking. I didn't even hear the door open but I did hear the sigh. It was the smallest sound in the world but from the most important person.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" Bella asked, sounding tired. "I thought we were going to meet up tomorrow night."

I smiled a little. "You still want to meet tomorrow?" I squeezed my eyes shut and then opened them quickly to try to focus on her.

"Jesus Christ, Edward! Are you drunk?"

Oh... fuck. Not drinking was one of her fucking requirements or some shit... wasn't it? I scratched my head trying to remember. I recalled something along those lines. Shit! I shook my head enthusiastically. "Nope. Not me." A chuckle escaped my lips.

Bella pushed me away from the door and stepped out herself, pulling it closed behind her. "Edward, how stupid do you think I am?"

I was confused by her question. "I don't think you're stupid. I think you're pretty."

"I'm going to ask you another question and you need to think _very_ carefully about how you answer it, okay?"

"Wait, was that the question?"

She sighed and pressed on. "Have you been drinking tonight?"

I nodded. I remembered that I was allowed to drink, just not get drunk.

"Well, at least you're not trying to lie to me anymore."

I scrunched my eyebrows. "I may be a fuck-up, Bella. But I've never lied to you. Well except maybe when I told you I didn't want you anymore."

She pinched the bridge of her nose but remained silent.

"I never stopped wanting you. Never. I never stopped seeing you. Never ever."

I stepped closer to her and put my hand on her shoulder to steady myself. I rested my mouth against her ear.

"I never stopped loving you. You're in my dreams every night."

My vantage point gave me a good opportunity to drink in all her features and I found that was more satisfying and helpful than the entire bottle of scotch had been. I pulled back a little and examined her whole face. I noticed a lone tear running down her face. I raised my finger and wiped it off. Her eyes closed and her lips parted. I guided her face closer towards me with the hand that was still resting on her face. I gave her plenty of opportunity to pull away, but she didn't. The instant our lips met the haze lifted from my mind.

Her lips were moist and warm as they brushed against mine. Her tongue pressed forward into my mouth and made my breathing speed. I shifted my hand from her cheek to the back of her head. I wrapped my other hand around her waist and pulled her tightly to me. Her hands came up into my hair and tugged at it gently. My mind was sending my body all sorts of crazy impulses. Some part of me realised that this was a mistake. I was pushing her too far and I needed to back off. I savoured her taste for another few seconds before gently pulling away from her lips and resting my forehead on hers. I kept my eyes closed. I didn't want to see the expression on Bella's face. I knew it didn't matter what it was, it would kill me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I shouldn't have done that."

Bella responded by pulling hard on her hands and forcing my lips back to hers. She kissed me fiercely and I responded, wrapping both my arms around her waist and lifting her slightly into me. Before I was ready to let go again, Bella's hands dropped out of my hair and she broke off the kiss.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I shouldn't have done that."

I chuckled. "That was my line."

She laughed softly, without any mirth.

"I am sorry for everything I've ever done to you, Bella. More sorry than you will ever know."

"Even for the email?" Her voice held a little resentment.

"What do you mean?"

"For the reply I got to the email asking you to call me."

"You never emailed me asking to call you. You called me asking to call you but never emailed."

"I did. You even responded." Her voice was thick with emotion.

I shook my head trying to clear the cobwebs that were quickly settling back over my mind. Email. Mum had said something about an email. What was that? That Bella had been in tears for hours after receiving it. I was afraid to ask the obvious question but I had to. I had to know how badly I had hurt her if I ever wanted to make it right. "How did I respond?"

"With photos and video attached of you screwing three other women. At once. And the email message said that I could go fuck myself because you were no longer interested in talking to me." Bella's eyes fell to the ground as she fought back the tears.

I guided her face back up to mine and gazed into her eyes. "I am sorry. You will never know how much you have impacted my life. I fought so hard against it, because I was so utterly consumed by you. And in fighting I have hurt you again and again. There is nothing I can say other than to apologise a hundred times, a thousand times. I will apologise to you every day for the rest of forever if that's what it takes to get you to forgive me."

The tears were flowing freely down Bella's face now and she began to sob. I wrapped my arms around her and clutched her tightly to my chest. I could feel all of her curves moulding to the front of my body and found myself instantly hard. I dropped my arms and stepped back quickly, landing on my ass but unsure how I got there.

Bella sighed. "Why do you have to be drunk to have this conversation? You probably won't even remember this in the morning."

I smirked at her. "I mingh't... mightn'n... might not but you will. And that's what's important."

I waved my arm in the air to punctuate my point and she laughed. I winked at her and she shook her head a little as her laughter continued.

She held out her arm to me to help me off the ground. "Come on, Casanova, let's get you up."

I didn't think it through before I put my hand up to her. As soon as her hand was in mine I pulled, trying to pull myself up. I succeeded only in pulling her on top of me. The weight of her body on just my upper torso pushed me to the ground and I instinctively wrapped my arms around her to stop her from getting hurt. We were soon a pile of jumbled limbs and laughter.

When we settled, I was lying on the ground and Bella was above me staring intently into my face. She dipped her face again and pressed her lips to mine for the second time tonight. I reciprocated hard, my body taking over and drinking in every bit of her it could. My hands roamed up the back of her shirt. She moaned against my mouth and that was all I needed. I rolled us together so I was on top of her and kissed her fiercely. Our tongues danced with each other and we both began to explore each other's bodies.

I broke off the kiss and raised my head when I heard the front door open.

"Bells, you alright out here?" Emmett asked quietly from the porch. Then his eyes focused on Bella and I. His voice was full of rage as he shouted, "What the fuck, Masen?"

I extricated myself from Bella's arms as quickly as I could and crawled backwards. I lost control of my limbs and ended up on my ass for the second time. I raised my hands up in an attempt at defensive. I was unable to find my voice.

"Emmett, stop!" Bella seemed to come to her senses quickly and stood, holding her hand out to him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Emmett snapped.

Bella's voice was thick with both rage and embarrassment. "Emmett, I'm a grown woman. I can make my own choices."

"You're lying underneath Masen in the middle of our fucking lawn, Bella. That's not a wise choice."

"I – I fell. Bella was helping me up." I found my voice finally. Even I recognised how piss-weak I sounded.

Emmett scoffed. "Sure, that's what it looked like. I swear to God, Masen. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fucking knock your block off right now?"

"Because I came over to fucking apologise to Bella," I shouted, managing to push myself up off the ground.

"You'll never be able to apologise enough for how much you hurt her."

For some reason, I took a few steps towards him. It seemed my brain had overridden my sense of self-preservation. "You think I don't know that? You think I don't realise that nothing I ever do will erase how I've made her feel. But how about the shit that you did?"

He seemed amused that I was coming at him and confused by my words. "Like?"

"Don't give me that 'Like?' crap! Like fucking kicking my ass for no fucking reason. You don't think that hurt Bella too. Especially considering your fucking beating was a big part of why I signed the contract and went to Sydney." I was right in his face now. I was ready for him to take a swing at me.

Instead he just laughed and shook his head. "Keep telling yourself that. You can't even own up and say that you made a decision because it was the one you wanted to make."

"Of course it was the fucking decision I wanted to make. Why the hell would I want to stay in this shit-hole town and be a fucking house-bound husband when I can go live every fucking male's dream driving race-cars?" I realised how bad the words sounded the instant they left my mouth. I turned quickly to look at Bella but all I saw was her back as she pushed past Emmett and ran back in the house.

Emmett just stood there looking smug. "I think it would be best if you left now, Masen."

"No. Fuck you. I'm not leaving until I talk to Bella again."

"What if she doesn't want to talk to you?"

"I don't fucking care. I need to tell her that she's the reason."

"She's the reason for what?"

"For me... no, fuck it! I'm not explaining anything to you. I don't owe you shit. I owe Bella explanations. Explanations which I don't even fucking understand myself."

"I'm not getting Bella for you."

"I'll talk to her again. I'll wait here all fucking night if I have to."

"Do what you want." He shrugged and turned back into the house.

I walked up to the door and put my hand on it, unsure what to do next. If I knocked, there was every chance that Emmett would answer. Which meant there was every fucking chance he would knock my head off. The alcohol haze over my head didn't help the decision making process. The only thing I knew for sure was that I was unable to leave. I couldn't even if I tried. In the end I slumped against the door and rested my head against the doorjamb.

I must have fallen asleep because I was woken by the sound of a woman's screams. I stood and stretched out. Every part of me ached from the uncomfortable position I had been in. My head ached most of all. The screams came from the room with the window just down from where I was standing and I knew _who _had screamed. It was strange how I could recognise any sound Bella made. It was as if it registered in some part of my brain that was reserved only for her.

I tapped gently on the window. I hoped she was still awake. The curtain slid back to reveal Bella's confused face staring at me. She opened the window a little.

"Edward, what are you still doing here?"

Fucking Emmett. I knew he wouldn't tell her. "I've been waiting for you to come back out, so that I can explain."

"Just ring me here later."

"Will you talk to me?"

She nodded. "Yes. For some reason I can't avoid you even if I want to."

All I heard was that she wanted to avoid me. It killed me but if that was what she truly wanted I couldn't argue. "If that's what you want."

I turned and ran back to my car. I thought I heard Bella calling behind me, but when I looked back the curtains were drawn again. Fine. If she didn't want me I would just have to cope with that the best way I knew. I drove the car back to Mum's house.

I grabbed the second bottle of scotch on my way out of the car. I unlocked the house as quietly as I could and went straight into the kitchen. I rummaged through the medications and found the strongest painkillers Mum had in her cupboard. I popped two out of the packet and went to my old bedroom. I unscrewed the lid of the scotch and used that to wash down the pills. I'd head back to Sydney tomorrow I decided.

But for now - oblivion awaited.

**A/N – Firstly I have to say I know Edward isn't learning his lesson – well he is... but as I have warned most reviewers it will be a 1 step forward 2 steps back approach. Most ppl who have a reliance on controlling substances cannot just give them up cold turkey, especially if they have what they consider to be a crisis. **

**Okay so this will be posted on the 28****th**** in Australia even if it's not the 28****th**** wherever you may be. This is for the reader appreciation day. And honestly without you guys reading this there would be little point writing. I would love every lurker to come out and let me know their thoughts on this story today but I understand if you don't. Just know that whether you review or not I thank you for sticking with my story :)**

**As a thank-you as usual for reviewer of this chapter I have a BPOV outtake scene waiting :)**

**I have to once again thank my ever lovely ladies for helping me get this chapter finished. To CorrinaTFF thanks for the wicked WC's which helped get my butt into gear enough to get all of these words down. To Gabbysway2 as ever you are my muse and help me to consolidate my sometimes rambling thoughts (even if you don't realise how much you do). I'll leave the two of you to fight over who is going to be there for RCE after this chapter (or whether you both run screaming for the hills) LOL. **


	20. The first day

**Chapter 20****: The first day**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. This is unbeta'd so apologies for any & all mistakes. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

*****

"_Bella!"_

_The shout pulled me from my thoughts. I was lost Bella's beauty and Mike fucking Newton's voice just interrupted me. She turned towards him with a slight smile on her face. His own face lit up in return. I couldn't help the smirk that crossed my features even through my annoyance because I knew what he was coming to do, he was going to ask her to the movies on the weekend, but he didn't realise it was too late. Yesterday I had made the leap from 'just friend' to 'boyfriend'._

"_What is it Mike?" Bella's magical voice called back to him._

_He closed the distance between them quickly. "Um, I was just..." his voice trailed off as he took in our pose and Bella's hand tightly clasped in mine. His eyes flicked to mine and my smirk grew. I tried very hard to communicate with only my eyes. _Yes, fucker, she's mine now. You snooze you lose_. To demonstrate my point I kissed her lightly on the cheek, earning a blush. _

_Mike narrowed his eyes at me and I had to stifle a chuckle. Yeah it was a ridiculous male ego thing, but I couldn't help but rejoice in the fact that Bella chose me over him – even if she didn't really know about the choice. I decided to show off just a little. I wrapped my arms tightly around Bella's waist and kissed her cheek. "I'll catch up with you later. Okay, Bella?"_

_I didn't really want to leave, especially not with Mike Newton around but my class was due to start any minute and unfortunately Mike was in Bella's class this period. _

_Her face turned to me again and she kissed me on the lips. Her tongue snaked out and slid across my lower lip. I grinned at her when she pulled back. _

"_Later, then," she said to me. _

_I walked off with a loopy grin on my face. Bella always did that to me. But if Bella's kiss made me smile, the exchange I heard between her and Mike made me positively beam. _

"_So, you and Masen, huh?" Mike asked._

"_Yeah," Bella was almost breathless._

"_I don't like it." _

"You_ don't have to." I could hear the bristle in Bella's voice. As I risked one last glance back she brushed past Mike and into the classroom. The grin was almost painful now. A banging started nearby I turned my head left and right to find the source. _

The banging seemed to echo the throb that had just started in my head, or maybe it was the other way around, maybe my head throbbed in response to the banging. I didn't fucking know. All I knew is it was too fucking early to be awake and I didn't want to be bothered by anyone.

"Fuck off!" I called into my pillow. I didn't give a shit who it was but I knew I wasn't interested in a conversation.

I heard the door open and groaned. I lifted my head just far enough off my pillow to pull it out from under me and stuff it over my head, blocking out all light and sound.

"Edward." My father's voice sounded pissed.

"I thought I said fuck off."

The pillow was ripped from my hands and thrown across the room. Fucking prick.

"I can't believe the way you treated your mother last night. You need to learn some respect, boy."

I growled. My head still throbbed and I couldn't concentrate. The last thing I needed was a lecture. But I knew my father and I knew what was coming. Arguing would only delay the inevitable and quite possibly result in an explosion of anger from one of us. Probably me.

"You are currently staying in our house, without asking I might add. You will respect your mother and I while you are here."

For some reason I had a niggling thought in the back of my head that I needed to leave, to go back to Sydney, but I couldn't remember why. In fact I couldn't remember much about last night after leaving the Gold Coast. I blocked out the sound of my father's voice and tried to recall anything that happened after that. Some part of me remembered kissing Bella but that couldn't be right. The way I remembered kissing Bella, and her kissing me for that matter, was not something she would allow under her rules. It must have been a dream. I'd had enough of those about her lately. My hands searching her familiar curves while she lay beneath me could only have happened in a dream.

I tried to clear my head of those visions. I was already hard enough. I found myself suddenly very thankful that I was lying on my stomach. I opened my eyes, wincing against the light, and raised my head slightly off the bed. I looked over and my father was watching me with an expectant look on his face. I closed my eyes and dropped my head again. I groaned.

"Have you listened to a single word I've said?" he snapped.

I shook my head.

He sighed and sat on the bed next to me.

"Honestly, son, you are old enough to know better than this stuff." I opened one eye, he was holding the empty scotch bottle. "Especially since your mother explained how much you hurt her when you'd been drinking and we saw you in Sydney."

Now that I was more awake, my mouth was full of fur and refused to work properly, but even if I could master control of it I wouldn't admit that it was a hell of a lot more than alcohol that had been in my system when I hurt mum.

"You need to think through your actions. You've got responsibilities now."

I nodded, hoping it would shut him up. The visions of Bella underneath me, kissing me with her sweet lips weren't leaving and I really needed a shower and some relief.

He stood and walked toward the door. "I always told you not to settle down and ruin your life didn't I? I told you to always make sure you practised safe sex."

And the visions were gone and so was my need for relief – nothing like your dad talking about sex to kill any mood.

"Well, you obviously didn't listen to me."

I sat up on the bed and coughed to clear some of the fuzz on my tongue. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Your mum promised Bella."

"Don't pull that bullshit cop-out answer. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to be trapped."

My hung-over brain took a minute to process the intent behind his words. "You think Bella was trying to _trap_ me?"

"She wouldn't be the first."

"Why would you even think that?" I was starting to get really pissed off.

"You made it clear you had dreams elsewhere and then suddenly she was pregnant. Come on, son, it doesn't take a genius to work it out."

"You don't know shit about her." I stood and covered half of the distance between us.

"I know she's manipulative."

I bit back on my rage. "Why would you say that?" My voice was a low hiss.

"Look at the way she has all the boys running around after her. It's like she's the queen bee or something."

"Back off her," I seethed.

"My point exactly."

I closed the distance and my face was inches away from his. My height was greater than his so I felt in control of the situation. "Fuck off," I spat at him.

"You have her so high on a pedestal you can't even see how much she schemes to get her own way."

"She _schemes_?" My anger exploded. "You think it was a fucking scheme that I stuck my dick in her unprotected? You think it was a fucking manipulation that I was too much of a prick to take her calls when she needed me the most? You think it was a fucking ploy that I haven't been able to have a single night's sleep without her living in my dreams? You think she somehow arranged for visions to show up in the middle of every fucking race to distract me? 'Cause you know what, Dad, I fucking can't see how she could have arranged any of that shit. I can't see how she had one ounce of control in any of those things. And I don't see how she's ever fucking tried to do anything other than try to make me a better person."

"So Emmett wasn't the one that beat you up that day?"

His question threw me. "What?"

"When I had to take you to the doctor and you were spouting some bullshit story about how you were mugged. I'm not stupid. I know it was Emmett."

"Why does that even matter?"

"Well, you break up with Bella and then suddenly her big brother is beating you up. Tell me how that's not manipulating the situation."

"Actually, if that hadn't happened I might have had to think long and hard about whether to go to Sydney. That made my decision easier. So if Bella was trying to _trap_ me, why the fuck would she send Emmett around here?"

He stared at me in stunned silence.

"You want to know why Emmett came here? Because he fucking thought I raped her. Because of all the shit you put in my head about not being trapped bubbled to the surface during what should have been a fantastic night and we argued. She took off with a ripped dress and wearing practically nothing."

"I didn't know." It didn't escape my attention that his voice didn't hold an ounce of apology.

"No you fucking didn't. So shut up about shit you know nothing about."

He huffed but then collected himself and tried to appear in control of the situation again. "There is no point arguing about the past. However you need to learn some respect, so you will apologise to your mother and if I ever hear you disrespecting her in her own house again I will kick you out on your ass."

"Yeah?" I raised my eyebrow. "Well if I ever hear you disrespecting Bella again I will kick your ass."

He surprised me by chuckling a little. "You've still got it bad for her, don't you?"

"If you mean do I still love her? Then yes, I do. And I'm going to go fucking tell her that right now."

I pushed past him and out of the room. As pissed as I was at him some of his words made sense. None of that shit about Bella of course – that was all utter bullshit. But about the way I had been treating Mum. Ever since I left for Sydney I had been an absolute jerk towards her. I hunted around the house until I found her in the laundry.

"Do you want a hand, Mum?" I asked quietly. I wasn't sure how to go about mending things with her. I knew she probably didn't expect me to try.

She turned and looked at me. Shock flittered across her features before being pushed down again. "No thanks, love, I can managed." She smiled at me.

"Fine, don't say I didn't offer though." I smirked at her.

"You seem in a better mood this morning," she observed.

I shrugged. "Not really. But I gotta deal with this shit sometime."

"Edward, you really should watch your language."

And that's when I knew things were okay between us if she felt she could admonish me again. "I know, Mum. Look, about last night..."

She cut me off with a wave of her hand. "I don't expect you to be perfect, Edward. I know you've got a lot to deal with. Just try to remember that Bella does too."

"I know. I think I may have fucked up last night though. I can't remember what I did after I left the Gold Coast. But I just have this gut feeling that something bad happened."

"About that, you need to call Bella when you can. She's staying at Emmett's."

I got a flash of a nosey neighbour wearing a pink velvet robe over a floral nightgown. I shuddered as I shook the image out of my head. "How do you know that?"

"She called here for you earlier."

I smiled. My gut feeling must have been wrong. If Bella was calling for me she was still talking to me. She wouldn't be talking to me if I fucked up too badly. "Wait, what fucking day is it today."

"Language, Edward, honestly."

I grinned sheepishly. "Sorry. What day shall I call this beautiful sunshine morning my dearest mother?"

She took a playful swipe at me and I jumped down from the bench to avoid her. "Honestly, how can you not know it's Wednesday?" she asked as I left the room.

I shrugged. "Still jetlagged I guess. The last day I know I saw was Saturday – after that it's just been a blur."

"Did you want me to get you something to eat?" she called down the hall.

"Honestly, Mum, I'm fucking twenty-two... I can handle getting myself some breakfast." I looked back at her. "Thanks for offering though." It was the closest thing to 'I love you' I could say to my mum without handing my balls back in and requesting a pussy.

I was halfway through a bowl of cereal when I heard my mobile ringing from the bedroom. My thoughts immediately went to Bella. I raced down to grab it before she gave us. I didn't even look at the display before pushing receive and putting the phone to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Edward, it's Carlisle."

"Oh, hi."

I heard him chuckle. "There is no need to sound so disappointed."

"I was just hoping it was someone else, that's all."

"Can you enlighten me on something?"

"What?" I felt like I was walking into a trap.

"You flew back in from London over the weekend, correct?"

I felt like I was walking into a trap because he had to know that was correct. The airline had told me that they would send confirmation to the email address the tickets were booked under. I realised he was waiting for an answer. "Yes."

"And we agreed that you would stay in London as long as necessary to sort yourself out?"

"Yes."

"Well, see now that's where I get a little confused."

"Confused?"

"Yes confused. If you were supposed to stay in London until you got yourself sorted and you are now back home it would be logical to assume you have sorted yourself out. But if you have sorted yourself out why you haven't come back into the office to talk to me about returning?"

"Something came up."

"Like?"

"I bumped into an old girlfriend on the plane. She wasn't able to stay for an extended visit and I wanted to spend some time with her." Why did I feel like a school boy explaining something to his father?

"And this girl, is she helping or hurting your goal this silly season?"

"Helping." I couldn't tell him it was a bit of both. I was frankly a little terrified of climbing into the new car next year because I didn't know whether my visions of Bella would be gone or whether they would be replaced by visions of Phoebe instead. Would green and brown eyes haunt me in unison. "At least I think so."

"And you're not thinking about jumping ship on me are you, Edward?"

"What? No fucking way."

"Okay."

I felt like that was the crux of his call and the rest was preamble. "Why would you say that?"

"I keep my ear to the ground. Sometimes I hear interesting things."

"Like?"

"Like the fact that one Vincent Aro from Volturi Racing has been courting one of my drivers."

"Well, it ain't fucking me. And if he did I'd tell him where to stick it." It wasn't entirely true. Aro had approached me but I'd never seriously considered his offer. Then I'd forgotten about it because it would mean driving with that psycho motherfucker James and moving to Brisbane. At the time neither of those had been appealing.

Carlisle was quiet for a second. "That's reassuring to hear. Remember you still have a year left on your contract."

"And then?"

"Well, that's up to you. Isn't it?"

"Meaning?"

"If you stop costing me so damn much money on the track I'll consider renewing your contract."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "Thanks, that's very gracious of you." The sarcasm dripped off every word.

He chuckled. "I think it is. You do know how much you cost me last year don't you?"

"Not exactly," I said, "but I have a good idea."

"Bare that in mind when you hit the tracks next year then, and we'll be fine. I do still believe in you."

And that there was another reason why the offer from Volturi Racing wasn't interesting. As much of a monster as Carlisle could be when he needed to, he also made his team a family. He made you feel like he cared. "Thanks, Carlisle. And thanks for giving me time to sort this stuff out."

"Where would I be if I strung out my best drivers every time they hit a rough patch."

"Between Jasper and I? Without any drivers." I was being a smartass but Carlisle knew this side of me. This was who I was before Queensland Raceway. Before I thought Bella had moved on with someone else.

He laughed heartily this time. "Exactly. Well, if there's nothing else?"

"Actually there is _one_ thing." An idea for a date with Bella struck me and I knew Carlisle would be well placed to pull some favours. I explained what I wanted to do and I could hear his enthusiasm as he agreed to help me with my request. Now I just had to organise my part and wait until Saturday.

After I hung up I looked for mum again. I found her in the kitchen. Seriously did she ever just stop and have a break. I gave her my best puppy-dog look. "Mum?"

She sighed but didn't stop her incessant cleaning. "What do you want, Edward?"

"What are you doing on Saturday?"

"Nothing that I can think of. Why?" Her voice held just a hint of concern.

"Just wondering if you were available to watch Phoebe if Bella isn't able to get anyone else."

"What are you planning?"

I winked at her. "Nothing much... at least not until I know for certain that Bella is willing to go out with me on Saturday. I'm just trying to make sure she doesn't have an easy reason for saying no."

"So you haven't rung her yet I take it?"

"No, I was going to straight after breakfast but Carlisle rang."

"And what did he want?"

I just shrugged. "Nothing much."

"Fine. If you don't want to tell me."

I smirked at her. "I'll tell you all my secrets when you tell me yours." I paused. "Actually scratch that I don't want to know your secrets and you sure as shit don't want to know all of mine."

"Edward...."

I cut her off with a laugh. "Yeah I know, watch the language."

"Exactly. And ring Bella."

"Have you got a mobile number for her? I _really_ don't want to call Emmett's house."

She sighed. "I really hope I won't be made to regret giving this to you."

"I'm not going to stalk her if that's what you mean."

"So if she tells you that she's had enough and wants you to go."

Fuck. Had she said something along those lines to mum this morning? Fuck me. Here I was trying to put together a fucking experience for Bella for Saturday and I didn't even know if she wanted to see me again. My hand gripped at my hair, tugging with concern.

Mum shook her head lightly. "Don't stress so easily. She didn't say anything in particular." Honestly I thought my mum could read fucking minds sometimes – it was scary how intuitive she could be. "I just got the impression between your behaviour and her phone call that something happened. I just want to know that if she honestly wants you to leave her alone you will."

I nodded. "If she said that, and really meant it, I guess I would have no choice would I?"

She mulled it over for a few minutes before scribbling a number down on a piece of paper. I grabbed it off her with a grin and raced to my bedroom, programming the number into my phone to make sure I didn't lose it.

I was about to dial when my phone rang. Fucking popular today wasn't I? I sighed but then looked at the number and was smiling as I pressed receive. "Hello, Doc."

"Good morning, Edward. Are you ready for your first session?"

"Sure thing, Doc. I'll call you right back, 'cause I know you'll add a surcharge onto my ass if you pay for an interstate mobile call."

He chuckled. "Are you implying I'm opportunistic?"

"I ain't implying anything, Doc," I laughed. "I'm saying it straight out."

"Shooting straight from the hip, like always. Do you ever think that maybe that is what gets you into trouble?"

"Always." I was buoyant and couldn't help my mood. I had so much to look forward right now. In the very near future there was a phone call to Bella. Later this afternoon, hopefully, a date with Bella. And then there was Saturday. If I could play my cards right Saturday would be a fucking experience for both of us. Okay there was still a lot I had to arrange with Bella but overall I was feeling pretty fucking elated. "I thought you were going to have Irina call and schedule though?"

"I had a cancellation. I figured you were so desperate to talk to me, you wouldn't complain if I was the one to call."

"Of course not."

"So, where would you like to start?"

Fuck. I didn't know where to start or how much to tell him. I hadn't really thought this through. "I think I know why I was crashing?"

"Is that a question or a statement?"

"Um, I'm not really sure I guess."

"Well, why don't you tell me what you think is causing it?"

"Bella."

I don't know what the sound that I heard down the phone line was. It might have been the sound of him choking on a drink, a cough or possibly even a stifled laugh. "I thought Bella was off-limits?"

"She's not anymore."

"And why is that?"

I took a deep breath. "Because almost everything I need to talk about centres around her in way one or another."

"And why is that?" His voice definitely had a hint of amusement to it. He was probably just itching to mutter those four fucking words.

"Because I fucking love her. I always have and I was running scared of that." My breath escaped me in a rush.

There was a beat of silence on the other end.

"Say it," I said.

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Yeah right. You know you are itching to say it."

"It would be highly unprofessional."

"Fuck professional, come on say the words."

"I told you so?"

"See, doesn't that make you feel better?" I laughed.

He laughed in response. "You really are in a good mood today aren't you?"

"I guess." I started randomly cleaning shit up in my room, pinning the phone between my shoulder and my cheek.

"Why do you think that is? What's so special about today?"

"Today is the first day of the rest of my life?" I laughed. "Isn't that the sort of shit I'm supposed to sprout?"

"You know you can say anything you want with me, it's just between us."

"I just feel like something's shifted in the universe. I've had the week from hell and yet I survived. And more than that, I know what I want now and I'm ready to claim it."

"Do you think you deserve it?"

"Fuck no. No one deserves Bella. She's too good for every fucking person on this planet. But I want to work towards possibly almost deserving her one day."

"It's not good to hold people up on pedestals, Edward. The higher you hold them in your regard the further they have to fall when something goes awry."

"You haven't met Bella."

"No. But I'd like to if this is the influence she has one you."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, first there is the mood. You sound happier than I've ever heard you. And second you've said a total of six cuss words the entire conversation. I used to be able to count that many per sentence."

Well fuck me. Was I that obvious? "I guess she's calming me a bit. Although I think I may have screwed up last night. But I don't really remember."

He sighed. "Tell me all about it."

**A/N – Hello to all my new readers :) **

**I have to say a mega-huge fantastic thank-you to the ever wonderful Gabbysway2 (are you blushing yet?) for your incredible advice & assistance chatting about the final details.**

**I am telling everyone right now that they need to go check out Waxing Romantic by Demosthenes91 because it is honestly one of the best o/s's I have read it's only about 5000 words so not a huge time investment but the payoff is so worth it. **

**Um, thanks as always to my twitter girls, you may distract me from my writing but you also give me inspiration to continue. **

**Not sure what else to say so I'll disappear now. **

**Not sure if there will be an other POV for this chapter because no one has anything to say that isn't going to come up in the next few chapters anyone. So you may just get a thankyou note full of my sparkling wit. **

**Also – I am thinking of posting the old Bella POV's (leaving them about 5 chaps behind) for those who really don't want to click the review button (and for those anon reviewers who I can't reply to) I would love my lovely reviewers let me know if they want to share the love that way :)**


	21. Wild Rose

**Chapter 21: Wild Rose**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers'_ _creations. Thanks to my lovely __beta __(FE71SH) for looking this chap over for me__. __Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

*****

I hung up the phone and took a minute to recap in my mind the conversation I'd just had with Dr Laurent. I'd expected him to ask me probing questions about why I was in Brisbane, why I wanted to talk to him daily and why I was drinking to excess again. Instead he simply listened as I told him the little I could remember about the previous night, then he questioned me about random stuff. What the weather was like, how long I was planning on staying in Brisbane for, he never asked a single question about Bella and I was glad. I knew I needed to talk to him about my drinking, about Emmanuel and Phoebe and Bella and everything else that was happening in my life but I didn't want to go into an in-depth analysis in our first phone call after twelve months and he seemed to sense that – or perhaps he just knew that even better than I did. He was the fucking shrink after all.

After I hung up I felt that a small part of the load I'd been feeling was lifted. Between my mood and the phone call I was feeling pretty fucking fantastic when I picked up the phone again to call Bella. It was only as I listened to the dial-tone that I realised Dr Laurent had kept me on the phone and therefore would charge me extra for the cost of the call. _Fucker_ I thought to myself in amusement. He was a great therapist, but definitely opportunistic. He never missed an opportunity to suck someone dry.

"Hello?" she answered, obviously not recognising my phone number.

"Hey, it's me."

"Mmmm-hmmm, so you finally picked up a phone and called me." I could tell she was pissed by the tone in her voice.

"Yeah. Sorry. I know, I'm only four years late."

She chuckled slightly before stifling it, obviously deciding not to make it easy for me. "What do you want?"

"You asked me to call."

"Right. Do you care to explain what the hell that was about last night?"

Shit. I knew I'd done something to fuck it up. If only I could fucking remember the conversation we'd had. "Bella, I'm sorry. I just... fuck, I don't even have an excuse. I fucked up."

"I thought you'd agreed to try."

"I did, Bella, I am. I just fucked up. Please, let me try to make it up to you? And to Phoebe?"

"Did you mean what you said?"

"When? About trying? Didn't I just say I did?"

"No, last night at Emmett's. Did you mean what you said?"

I tried in vain to remember what I said. "Bella, I have to be honest with you – I can't remember what I said last night. The last thing I can clearly remember is..." I trailed off, because the last thing I could remember was buying the alcohol and climbing into the car down the Gold Coast.

"Getting drunk?" Bella finished for me.

"Yeah," I agreed. "I'm sorry about that. I..." I couldn't finish because there wasn't an excuse. I understood that on that some level. Although, it was easier to get it when I had Bella on the phone and she was still talking to me. When she ran away yesterday it just felt like it was all too much. "Look, can I take you out to dinner?"

"What about our agreement?"

I sighed in relief, Bella was still going to hold me to the agreement. Which meant she still wanted to see me. "Already had my first phone call."

"Really? When."

"We finished about five minutes ago."

"And?"

"And what? You expect him to fix all my fucking problems in one hour?"

She laughed. "No, I guess not. When are you talking to him again?"

Fuck. I knew I'd have to tell her this part sooner rather than later, but I had been hoping to discuss it when she was in a good mood, not when she was pissed over something I did while stupid and drunk. "Tomorrow."

"So soon?"

"Yeah, we agreed that it would be best for me to talk to him daily for the moment."

"Mmmm-hmmm and that decision was in no way influenced by _our_ agreement?"

"Maybe just a little," I admitted. I wasn't going to lie to her about it, but I also wasn't going to tell her that she was the primary reason for daily sessions. Although I was starting to see benefits for myself too. I found myself wanting to be better. I remembered back to London, to looking in the mirror and wondering whether Phoebe should be saddled with someone like me in her life. I realised now that I wanted to be in her life but it was more than that - I wanted to _deserve_ to be in her life.

She was silent. I could almost picture her face, she would be chewing on her lip as she tried to decide whether or not she was happy about that.

"I'm not going to hold you to go date for session, Bella. Of course I'd like to see you as much as possible, but I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to."

She sighed. "Okay."

"So, can I pick you up tonight? I mean if that's okay with you?"

"What about Phoebe? I'm not going to palm her off on people every night. She's my daughter, I want to spend time with her too."

I began to feel hopeful that maybe I would get to see Bella as much as I wanted to, well maybe not quite as much because if I had my way I'd never let her out of my sight again. "Bring her too."

"Edward, have you ever gone out to dinner with a three-year-old? It's not much fun."

"An early dinner then? Don't worry Bella, I'll sort it out."

"If you say so." I could hear the amusement in her voice now. She's come full circle from when we started the call.

"What time?"

"Five."

"Looking forward to it, Bella."

"See you later, Edward."

_I love you, Bella. _I knew it was too soon to say it, so I bit back on it for now. I would tell her when the time was right. Just like I would tell her about the visions I had of her while racing. I sighed. Despite ending the call on a positive note, just talking to Bella reminded me we still had so much to work out, so much trust I had to regain. My positive mood was positively dead.

I headed for the shower. That was definitely the next place I needed to be today because I stank of alcohol and sweat.

I decided to start to show Bella that she could trust me. I would make tonight perfect and stress-free for her. I would show her that I can plan ahead and be a... father. No, that I could be a Dad. The only problem was I had no fucking clue how. I didn't know what I needed to organise for a three year old, like Bella had pointed out I had absolutely no freaking clue about kids. Luckily I knew someone who did and who just happened to be sitting out in the living room right now watching some shit on TV.

"Mum?" I said as I walked up behind her.

"Did you ring Bella?"

I rolled my eyes, but she didn't see. "Yes. I just got off the phone with her. I'm taking her out to dinner tonight."

"It's not fair to take her away from Phoebe all the time."

I laughed. "Bella said the same thing. I'm taking them both out."

Mum laughed now. "Somehow I don't think your idea of a romantic date is compatible with a three year old."

"So I'll change my idea of a romantic date."

"Wow, Edward, is that the sound of you growing up that I hear."

"Fuck off." I laughed to let her know I wasn't serious.

She shook her head but didn't say anything.

"I've never spent much time around kids, other than signing autographs but that hardly qualifies as 'quality time'."

"No, not really." I could tell mum was struggling to keep the amusement out of her voice.

"So what the fuck do I need?"

"Well, first you need to clean up your language."

I made sure I was out of arms reach. "So no saying; fuck, shit, ass, dick or pussy then."

She shook her head. "Edward, whatever will we do with you?"

I shrugged and smirked at her. "Love me, it's all you can do."

She chuckled. "Second," she said. "You'll need to arrange a car seat. I know Bella has a spare one that she lends us when I look after Phoebe."

"Okay car seat. I'll get one. I'll need it again anyway."

"You seem confident."

"I know how Bella feels about me, or at least I think I do. She hasn't sent me packing anyway."

"Not yet."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Just trying to keep you grounded in reality."

"I know the reality. I'm also trying to fix it."

"Fair enough."

Talking about reality reminded me of my earlier conversation with my father. "What's Dad's problem anyway?"

"What?" Mum was caught off-guard by the shift in the conversation.

"This morning he was going on about how he thought Bella was trying to trap me."

She closed her eyes. "It's nothing for you to worry about."

"I think it is something to worry about if he's going to go around bad mouthing the woman that I love and the mother of my child."

"I don't know what to tell you, Edward. I'm sure he's made his thoughts clear to you in the past." Her voice sounded.... resigned.

"Are you trying to tell me he feels he was trapped somehow?"

"I don't know. You'd have to talk to him about it."

"I'm trying to talk to you."

"It's not my place."

"Are you okay, Mum?"

"I'm always okay, sweetheart. I can't tell you how happy I am that you are making an effort with Bella. She is a good person."

"Fine, change the subject – but I will find out what's going on."

"You'll need something to keep her entertained too."

"What?"

"Phoebe. If you expect her to sit nicely while you eat – you'll need crayons and a colouring book or something."

"Okay, so car seat and something to keep Phoebe occupied. Anything else?"

"I don't think so, dear. So I assume that means you are going out now?"

"Yep."

"You've still got the key?"

"Yep."

"Well, I'll see you later then." It was a dismissal and I quickly realised why when she turned on the TV, Oprah was on. I chuckled, some things never changed.

I grabbed my wallet, phone and car keys. Then I grabbed my sunglasses and hat because I decided to brave the Grand Plaza today but still wasn't sure I wanted to be recognised.

*****

I was standing in front of a dizzying array of baby shit. Honestly how many different types of fucking car seats could there be? How the fuck was one different to the other. I was in a big faceless department store so there weren't even any assistants around that I could ask. All of the seats seemed to have weight ratings on them but how the fuck was I supposed to know what Phoebe weighed? She was little that was all I knew. I looked around, the best I could do for assistance was the CD counter. I rang the bell for assistance and a ghost from my past walked out to meet me.

"Edward Masen!" Ben called out loudly. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Ben! Fuck, man, it's been too long."

"Yeah? Well, you knew where I was."

"True, bud. Sorry. It has been brought to my attention recently that I was an ass for the way I left."

"Just a bit." He dropped his voice. "You know about Bella right?"

I nodded. "Do you speak to her much?"

"Ang tried for a while, but Bella sort of froze everyone out as much as you did. I think it was because of the asses like Mike Newton and that bitch Lauren. They made sure Bella's life was a living hell as soon as they learned she was pregnant. Of course none of them knew who the father was. In fact many of them are still too stupid to realise."

"Of course, that means you know then? Because you and Angela were never stupid."

"Wasn't hard to figure it out, I mean we knew your plans. Then you're gone and Bella's pregnant." He started to look a bit annoyed, as if he might take a swing at me. Then I realised what he probably assumed.

"I didn't know." I whispered my admission, still ashamed that the reason I didn't know was my refusal to pick up a damn phone.

"Serious?"

"Serious, man. I was a bit of a dick to Bella when she tried to contact me after I moved to Sydney, but that's in the past now." I remembered my mission. "Do you know anything about fucking car seats?"

He raised his eyebrow at me. "It's like that is it."

"Hopefully." I grinned.

"Sure, I know a bit. Give me a sec to get some to cover me here and I'll help you out."

"Thanks," I said. "Oh, and I really am sorry for the way I left. I'm trying to fix all my fuck-ups."

"It just took hitting half a dozen walls to knock some sense into you, hey?" He laughed as he walked into the back room. He re-emerged a few minutes later wearing a normal t-shirt rather than the uniform he was just in.

"I'm going to have lunch while I've got cover." He said in response to my quizzical look.

"Oh shit, don't let me take up your lunch hour."

"You won't, it'll take five minutes to get this seat. I assume you want one designed for a toddler?"

"You fucking know me too well." I laughed.

"I used to," he said sadly. It was man code for 'I missed you'.

"Yeah." Which was man code for 'me too'. "Hey, why don't I shout you lunch for helping me out."

He shrugged. "I guess."

It wasn't long before he'd selected the 'perfect' seat and we were at the counter paying for it. I tried to quiz him on why it was 'perfect' and he gave me a stack of shit about anti-submarining straps, adjustable height, head support, seatbelt slots. I understood most of it in theory but in terms of a fucking seat I had no idea. About the only thing I understood was that it had cup holders. Cup holders were good.

I took the seat back to the car because there was no way in hell I was carrying a box that size all the way around the Grand Plaza. Ben was a fucking champion and even installed it into my car for me, now I definitely owed him a fucking meal.

We went back into the centre and grabbed our old favourite, roast beef rolls, from the food court. I was surprised by just how easily we fell back into conversation. We spent a little bit of time reminiscing about high school and then I filled him in a little on what I'd been up to. But I was bored with me, I was much more interested in what he'd been up to.

"Well, I married Ang. We've got two little ones."

"Really? How old?" I wondered at what point exactly I stamped the daddy card and started asking questions like that. Usually my response to 'I've got kids' was 'do I look like I care?' but right now I did care, I was genuinely interested.

"Two and one."

"So that's why you're a genius when it comes to car seats?" I laughed.

He laughed too. "I did a hell of a lot of research. Ang dragged me around to a stack of shops before we settled on the seat that you've got for our oldest."

"Wow. Married with kids."

"Well, you've got one yourself."

I shrugged. I wasn't going to go into the full details about why I wasn't on the birth certificate, why she wasn't legally seen as my daughter or why I didn't feel I deserved to be her dad yet.

"So what brought you back up to Brissie anyway?"

"Actually Bella did. I went to London to get away for a bit and kinda ended up on a plane beside her."

He laughed. "So you ran away but fate had other plans?"

"Something like that."

"Wow. I still can't believe you're here in front of me man. I guess I should get your autograph or something while I got this chance."

"How about my phone number instead?"

He laughed.

"I'm serious man. I told you I'm trying to make up for my mistakes. Losing contact with friends is one of them. Maybe I can bring Bella around one day."

"I'm sure Ang would love that. I know she's really missed Bella and we heard a rumour that Bella was leaving soon so it'd be nice to patch things up before then."

"Oh, Bella's not going to London anymore. She didn't want to be that far away from her family."

Ben shook his head. "She's definitely leaving, Ang works for the real estate that is selling Bella's house. The day before yesterday she was in to sign the sale documents and she was talking about how hard it would be to leave. Ang was real upset when she came home."

"The day before yesterday?" I whispered. Bella was leaving. Had she lied to me? My mouth was dry and my heart began to thud in my chest. I was going to have a panic attack, I just knew it. I needed to get away from prying eyes before it could hit. Rumours of panic attacks could kill my career as completely as crashing into walls. "Um, Ben, I'm sure you're probably due back at work and I've gotta go." I quickly rattled off my phone number and he programmed it into his phone.

I almost ran through the centre back towards my car. As soon as I arrived I climbed into the driver's seat and tried to breathe. I turned on some music and tried to concentrate on the rhythm. My eyes hit the car seat in the rear view mirror and I felt my heart rip in two. Bella was leaving Brisbane and wasn't going to tell me, and there was no way I could stop her from taking Phoebe out of my life.

Fuck that, I picked up my phone and rang my lawyer. After a fifteen minute conversation I discovered I could go to court and contest the paternity to prove she was mine. The problem was it would mean a potentially public battle with Bella. My lawyer also advised me that I would be liable for back paid child support but I didn't give a shit about that. I like to think if I'd known sooner I would have helped Bella out more, although I still shudder to think what would have happened if I'd found out about Phoebe during my worst three months.

I decided I would wait Bella out, see if she would come clean to me and tell me what the fuck was happening. Why would she tell me she wasn't taking the London position if she'd already made up her mind that she was leaving? Was it just to stave off my panic attack? I took a deep breath and started the car, then I remembered I hadn't picked up anything to keep Phoebe entertained. I considered going back into the shops but I still felt the signs of an impending attack and I couldn't risk one of those in public. I breathed out and put the car in reverse, I would just have to deal with it. Whatever happened I would just have to deal.

As I drove, I saw a sign for a shop I would never have considered entering before today but once I'd seen it, an impulse built in me. I needed to go in. I needed to commemorate my son. I needed to celebrate my daughter. Especially if she was going to be torn from my life too.

The sign across the door read 'Wild Rose Tattoo'. I pushed the door open and looked around, thankful not to recognise anyone in the shop. That didn't mean they didn't recognise me.

"How can we help you today?" the receptionist greeted me. She was tall and lean, with spiked black hair, a piercing in her nose and a full sleeve of tattoos up one arm. I thought it was safe to assume she was more into bikes than V8's, but if she did recognise me it didn't show in her eyes.

"Um, I was thinking about getting a tattoo done."

"Okay, have you got a design in mind?"

"Not really." Fuck I really hadn't thought this through.

"Well, you can have a look through our books if you like." She pointed out a stack of ring binders. I flicked the first one open and saw that it was filled with print-outs of various tattoos.

"Have you done any horses?" I remembered the engraving from Emmanuel tombstone. I didn't know what the significance of the horses was, but I knew they were significant.

"Any particular style?"

"Style?" Fuck I was out of my depth.

"Well, you can go for realism or tribal." She showed me a sample of each.

"Tribal I think." There was something beautiful and strong in the twisted black patterns of one of the designs she showed me. "Do you have any that are rearing?"

She pulled out another folder and flipped it open. I had to give it to her, this girl knew her job.

"Something like this?" She showed me a picture of a tribal horse reared up on its hind legs. It reminded me of the design on the tombstone.

"Yes, that's perfect. How soon can you fit me in?"

She chuckled. "You're eager."

"I just have to do this."

"Well, we've just had a cancelled appointment so I can fit you in now, or our next available appointment is in a week and a half."

"How long will it take?"

"Where would you like it?"

"Between my shoulder blades." I'd already decided the position because I wanted it to be close to my heart but also somewhere I could hide it easily.

"Do you want that exact design?"

I shook my head, after seeing the design I could suddenly picture the exact tattoo I wanted. "I want that & then a mirror of it alongside. I want each of the horses to have an initial on them and a date between them."

"Facing towards each other or away from each other?"

"Towards."

"What initials and what date?"

"An C and a P and the date is the 11th June 2005."

She took the design out of the folder and went to the photocopier. Within five minutes she had a design of the two horses side by side, facing towards each other. Then she quickly stencilled in the initials and the date. "Like that?"

I smiled. She had somehow managed to capture exactly what I was looking for on her first attempt. "That is perfect."

"That will take a few hours to do, and then you'll have to come back to get it touched up."

I looked at my watch it was a little after one which meant I had four hours until I was due to pick Bella up. "Let's do this shit now then."

She smiled. "Come out back then."

*****

It was a little after four when I finally left the tattoo parlour with an itching back and a list of aftercare instructions. I wasn't going to show Bella until it had healed a little more. It wasn't like she had any reason to look at my naked back. She'd made it pretty clear nothing was going to happen in _that_ department for a while yet.

When I arrived home the house was empty. I wondered where Mum was but figured Dad was probably at work considering he'd left late this morning so he could have his 'discussion' with me before going. I scribbled a quick note on the whiteboard in the kitchen to let Mum know that I'd been home. She already knew I had a date with Bella so I didn't need to worry about letting her know where I was going now.

I quickly changed into something a little more formal but laughed when I thought about where I had organised to take Bella. I would show her that I could do romantic and kid-friendly.

At twenty to five I left the house, my nerves springing to the surface again when I remembered that this was our first date. I pulled up to Bella's house and took a few deep breaths to calm myself. I knocked on the door and was greeted by two lovely ladies wearing fine attire and beautiful smiles. Bella was wearing a deep purple dress which crossed over in front of her bust, enhancing her cleavage. It fell to just above the knee but the material was so floaty it looked significantly shorter.

"Hello you two," I said.

Bella smiled.

"Edward!" called Phoebe, waving enthusiastically.

"Are you ready to go?" I asked Bella.

"Yes we are. I'll just go get my car keys."

"Uh-uh, I'm driving you tonight."

"Edward, I'm not going to put a car seat in a coupe in this dress."

I mentally pictured Bella leaning over into the backseat the way Ben had earlier. I gulped down on my breath when I saw that Bella and Phoebe were both staring at me. "It's all sorted Bella. I told you I'm all over this tonight."

She raised her eyebrow and smirked at me. "If you say so."

"Trust me, I say so." Then I remembered one small problem. "Although I don't know how to fasten the child seat I got."

Bella laughed. "Yep, sounds like everything is under control."

I almost felt like she was waiting for something to go wrong, but she locked up the house and walked to my car without any further questioning. She smirked when she saw the brand new car seat in the back, but pulled the passenger seat forward and helped Phoebe into the back. As she lent forward to fasten Phoebe in she gave me the exact view I'd just been picturing, the long lengths of her thighs were creamy and white and I wanted to run my fingers up there. Instead I climbed into my seat. After Bella was in the car she turned to me. "So where are we going?"

"It's a surprise."

I started the car and reversed out of Bella's driveway. The drive to our date took about ten minutes. I pulled up into a car park and Bella burst out laughing. "We're a bit overdressed aren't we?"

I smiled and shook my head. Then I climbed out and opened Bella's door. She helped Phoebe back out of the car and the three of us headed towards our date with the future.


	22. Golden Arches

**Chapter 22: Golden Arches**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers'_ _creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely beta (FE71SH) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

*****

As we crossed the car park, Bella held one of Phoebe's hands and I held the other. I couldn't believe how small and warm Phoebe's hands were as her fingers curled around mine.

"So do you want to line up?" Bella asked. "Or shall I?"

I shook my head. "It's five-star all the way tonight."

She laughed. "Five-star? At McDonald's?"

"Well, as five-star as McDonald's can be. Come on – this way."

I led her through to the kid's party room. This had all been arranged with the manager when I dropped in this morning before my trip to Big W. I pushed open the door and smiled when I saw everything was done to perfection. The long table was covered with a crisp white tablecloth and was adorned by a vase containing a dozen red roses. We'd barely sat when the 'waiter' brought out our meals. I wasn't sure what Bella ate now, but I knew McChicken's always used to be her favourite so I ordered one of those for her and a chicken nugget Happy Meal for Phoebe.

"Kid-friendly and romantic," I said triumphantly.

"Very good," Bella laughed. "You seem to have considered everything." She giggled as if thinking there was something blatant that I'd missed.

"I don't want chicken nuggets," Phoebe complained. Bella giggled again.

"What would you like then?" I asked.

"Pizza."

"They don't have pizza here, sweetie," Bella explained. "Edward was kind enough to bring us to dinner, I'm sure you can have chicken nuggets just this once."

Phoebe shook her head and started to whine a little. I felt my 'perfect night' slipping away very quickly.

"Is there anything else you want?" I asked. "A burger maybe?"

She nodded. "Yep. Burger."

I called our 'waiter' back again and asked for a cheeseburger for Phoebe. After it was placed in front of her she pushed it away. "Don't want that."

I sighed and looked to Bella for help. I wasn't sure what to do and I wanted to defer to Bella.

I was relieved when Bella touched her hand and spoke softly. "Just eat what you like, sweetheart. You can have something else later if you want"

"I want a milkshake."

I smiled. "That I can do." I pushed the chocolate thickshake I'd ordered towards her.

She took a deep sip and then beamed at me. Our perfect night started to get back on track. Eventually Phoebe ate what was in front of her without too much complaint. We didn't talk much while we ate, Bella sat back and watched as Phoebe regaled me with stories about her day and her week. I had no idea what she was saying at least half of the time but after asking "what" fifteen times decided just to smile and nod as she spoke. Every time I looked over at Bella she was staring at us with an unknown expression on her face. It was not quite a look of longing, not quite a look of love, but it was almost painful to look at.

"Are you alright with her for one minute?" Bella asked.

I nodded. "We'll be fine, won't we Pheebs?" I winked at her. She giggled and nodded in reply.

Bella walked off and pulled out her mobile phone.

"I want more." Phoebe held up her empty cup. I ordered another thickshake for Phoebe and cleared off the rest of the table. Bella came back a few minutes later.

"Sorry, Mum asked me to check in with her when we got to the restaurant. I didn't want her to worry."

"She doesn't trust me does she?"

Bella smirked. "No, not really."

"I don't know what it will take to convince everyone that I am here for good, but I'll do it. Eventually, I'll prove to everyone that I'm here for the long term. I promise."

The look from before, the almost painful look of longing and desire, crossed her features again. "I know." Somehow she made it sound like, 'I wish I could believe that'. I guess I had a lot to prove to her too.

"Is everyone finished?" I asked sadly. Both Bella and Phoebe nodded.

"Did you want to go onto the playground?" I asked Phoebe.

She nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, please."

Bella took Phoebe out to the playground while I went inside and paid for the meal, for the staff member and for the room. I had _never_ paid so much for McDonalds before. I probably could have fed a family of four for a week. But the night hadn't been a total disaster so I was happy.

Before I joined Phoebe and Bella, I grabbed sundaes for all of us and another coke for Bella and I to share. I smiled tentatively at her as I sat beside her on the parent's seat inside the playground. She grabbed her sundae from me and I watched appreciatively as her tongue curled around the spoon to clear it of ice-cream and chocolate sauce.

I watched as Phoebe climbed through the holes and around the ladders all the way to the top of the playground. There was an almost joyous quality in the simple act of watching her play. I felt a warmth in my chest I could never have imagined. Bella's hand was extended out onto the seat between us and before I realised what I was doing, I'd wrapped mine around it. She glanced down at our inter-joined fingers briefly but didn't pull away.

"I saw Ben today," I said, mainly to fill the silence between us.

She nodded, a sad look crossing her face. "How is he?" I heard the unspoken questions, the desperate urge she had to get acquainted with her old friend, Angela.

"Him and Ang are still together." I wasn't sure how much Bella knew, only that - from what Ben had said - she'd pulled herself away from them. "They have a couple of kids now."

She nodded. "Yeah, I know." Her thumb began to brush a trail along mine. I closed my eyes briefly, relishing her touch and the simple pleasure she gave me.

"He really wants to catch up with us both."

She nodded vaguely and watched Phoebe intently. "I want to too. I just don't know if I can."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you know why I stopped talking to them? Why I love Jake so much?"

I shook my head, horrified by the overwhelming sadness in her voice.

"When you left everything reminded me of you. Like I said before, it wasn't just a break-up - I lost my best friend. I tried to see everyone and continue on as normal, but it was different. We were no longer the awesome foursome. There was Ben and Angela the couple and Bella the rejected one. I couldn't face it. I felt like a third wheel all the time. And then I found out I was pregnant and I just..." She closed her eyes and inhaled. When she reopened them, her eyes had a hardness to them – as if she had closed off the part of herself that felt the pain. I wondered how I had never noticed the difference before. "And then Jake came along one day and he was new. There were no ties to you. I could finally be Bella, and not just Edward's ex. It was refreshing."

I let go of Bella's hand and put my arm around her shoulder. I wasn't sure how she would react but she nuzzled into me and I squeezed her gently. I was beginning to see how much of a struggle it had been for her. When I left I forged a new identity for myself. I was completely free of all reminders of her, of us, and any time I found something was a reminder I ignored it or pushed it away. But Bella had been faced with them every single day. Her entire support network was saturated with memories.

"Did you and Jake ever..." I couldn't even finish the question.

She laughed. "No. I tried once or twice but he's firmly in the other camp."

"Was there ever anyone else?"

"Not really. Just Sam."

I shifted through my memory, that sounded familiar but I couldn't think where from. A vague memory came back to me and I ventured a guess. "Jake's brother isn't it?"

"Yeah." She smiled.

"What happened?" I didn't really want to know, but I needed to know her and that included learning about her past after us.

"I don't know. I guess I sort of thought I could have something with Sam so I chased him a bit. I learnt pretty quickly that I really only wanted him because of his resemblance to Jake. He was like 'Jake-lite'. Then not long after we broke up I found out he was in love with his bosses daughter, Emily. The way they are now, it was like they were made for each other, so there's no hard feelings there at all."

"Why did you chase him so much?" It just didn't sound like Bella.

"If you _know_ you can't get first place – do you try hard for second?"

"Of course." I was confused by her change of tact and wasn't sure where she was going with the question.

"And if you can't get second – you fight for third?"

"Yeah."

"And then at some point you realise third place is never going to be first, no matter how much you might want it to be. Third place is never going to get you anywhere."

"But I don't understand." Suddenly it hit me and I couldn't help the grin that crossed my face even though my heart broke for her. "So you're saying I was your first place?"

She smacked my chest playfully at my smile. Then she grinned in return. "Yes, you _were_."

"I'm offended." I mock-protested. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and began to tickle her lightly. "Am I still first place?"

"More like a consolation prize I think." She squeezed out between squeals.

Phoebe ran back over to us with a smile on her face. She wrapped her arms around Bella's neck while I held Bella's waist. I couldn't even begin to explain how right it felt.

I was forced to relinquish my hold when Phoebe climbed onto Bella's lap and started to eat her sundae. I watched as the two of them giggled and played, Phoebe feeding Bella occasionally. In that instant, I knew my world would shatter if I was unable to see them again. The doubt that I felt over Bella's apparent departure began to niggle in the back of my mind. I wanted to talk to her about it, but I didn't want to ruin our date – which had gone surprisingly well given its start.

After Phoebe had finished her sundae she ran back into the playground. I put my arm back around Bella's shoulders and we sat like that in silence, both watching Phoebe running around playing on her own. I felt the missing part of our life so sharply. I wondered whether Bella did too, A quick look at her face told me she did. I squeezed a little to let her know silently I was there for her.

Phoebe darted off the playground then. "I want to go home, Mummy."

"What's the matter sweetheart?"

Phoebe just shook her head and placed it onto Bella's chest.

"Is she alright?" I asked. "She looks a little green?"

"I think it's just time to call it a night," Bella said, despite the situation I was pleased to hear the tinge of regret in her voice.

I nodded, then held out my hand to help Bella to her feet. She clutched Phoebe to her chest as she carried her back to the car and put her into the car seat. As she bent over the seat I was once again afforded a view of her creamy thighs. I clenched my fists to stop myself from touching Bella and walked around to the driver's side.

"Everyone okay?" I asked when they were both loaded up and had their seatbelts on.

Phoebe nodded from the back but I was starting to get concerned about her, she was a definite shade of green.

"What did she eat?" Bella asked as I drove. "I only saw her with one small thickshake, some chips and then half a sundae."

I stared at the road. "Actually, I got her another thickshake while you were on the phone."

"Edward!" Bella groaned. "Does she look like she's big enough to fit two thickshakes in?"

She turned to the backseat and stroked Phoebe's hair.

"I'm sorry. She said she wanted another one, and well, I couldn't say no to her."

Bella bit her lip and looked back at Phoebe. I got the feeling the topic wasn't closed but she didn't want to say anything in front of our daughter. She stroked Phoebe's hair again. "Do you have a sore tummy?"

Phoebe nodded sadly.

"Don't worry sweetie, well be home soon then you can lie down for a bit," Bella said. Then her eyes widened. "Edward, pull over!"

She said it with such urgency there was no way I could refuse. As soon as the car was safely on the side of the road Bella ripped open her door and pulled the seat forward to get to Phoebe but it was too late. A stream of milky vomit came pouring out of Phoebe's mouth and down her front. The smell was wretched and a small part of my brain immediately thought 'not on the leather'. "Fuck!" I shouted as an instinctive reaction.

I climbed out of my seat too, pulling it forward to give more access to the back. Bella and I juggled our way through the vomit to pull Phoebe from the car seat.

"You help her, and I'll see what I can do about cleaning this up," I said. I pulled my shirt off and used it to soak up as much of the vomit as I could from the baby seat. The floors could wait until we got back to Bella's house but I didn't want Phoebe to have to ride the rest of the way home in a pool of sick. As Bella loaded a still wet, and quite miserable looking, Phoebe into the back of the car I wound down all the windows so that we'd be getting fresh air into the car because quite frankly the smell was making me feel utterly nauseous. I smiled apologetically at Bella and she just shook her head slightly. I could have sworn she uttered the word 'honestly' under her breath.

A short, quiet, stinky ride later we were in front of Bella's house. She ran to the door and unlocked it returning with half a dozen old towels. "You clean your baby, I'll clean mine," she said as she threw them at me. I felt a little insulted by her insinuation that I cared more about the car than I did about Phoebe but ignored it because I knew she was a bit pissed at me for giving Phoebe that extra thickshake.

I cleaned the interior of the car as best I could, pulling the once lovely new car seat out and hosing it off. Then I dampened one of the towels, spotting it on the leather to soak up the rest of the vomit. I opened the boot and pulled out some of the leather cleaner I kept there, quickly applying that and wiping it off. It took me close to half an hour to finish. When I was satisfied I'd cleaned up as much I could I opened the car right up and left it to dry. I bundled the towels up, together with my vomit soaked shirt, and took them back inside.

I stood waiting for Bella in the living room, feeling self-conscious because I didn't have a shirt on. I could hear her down the hall, singing softly to Phoebe. Then I heard the song finish and she whispered, "I'll be right outside if you need me."

"Okay. I love you very much mummy," Phoebe's small voice called.

"I love you too, sweetie."

Their simple, honest declarations of love warmed my heart but at the same time I began to feel like an intruder in their home. I saw Bella walk out of Phoebe's room. She stopped in the hallway when she saw me. Her eyes sweeping quickly over me. "Oh God, Edward. I'm sorry. I completely forgot you used your shirt in the car. I'll see if I can find you something to throw on while I wash yours."

I nodded. "Do you want me to put these somewhere?" I held up the bundle of clothes.

"Just throw them in the basket and put your shirt in the washing machine," - she pointed to a door which I presumed housed the laundry - "I'll put a load on in a second - we'll get your shirt washed and back on before you go home." She laughed. "People might talk otherwise."

"They'll talk anyway, you realise."

"Yeah, I know."

I went into the room she pointed to and worked out which machine was the washing machine and I threw everything in. I was walking back to the living room when I heard a door shut and a slight gasp from behind me.

"Edward? Did you hurt yourself?"

I wondered what she meant until I felt her fingers tracing the outline of the bandage where I had the tattoo done. I blushed. I hadn't been anticipating showing her quite yet. I was hoping it would be healed before this situation arose. "Um, no. I... ah... I..." - my voice dropped to a whisper - "I got a tattoo."

"You what?" she asked incredulously. "When?"

"Today. Did you want to see?" Her hands were still on my back and her skin felt too good so close. I needed a distraction and showing her my tattoo was perfect.

"Should I be scared? You didn't do anything crazy did you?"

I laughed. "Besides get a tattoo in general? No."

I felt her gently pulling back the bandage and she gasped. A minute later, her fingers pressed gently on the edges to seal it off again. She remained quiet behind me and I was worried it was the calm before the storm. I was so stupid - I didn't even think about how Bella might feel about the work I had done. I was just so desperate to make something permanent in my life.

I turned slowly to see her face. She had tears in her eyes and was chewing her lip.

"Bella?" I asked.

"It's beautiful," she whispered. "Why did you do it?"

"I wanted a permanent reminder of my children."

Bella dropped the shirt she was holding and fell into my chest sobbing. I moved her over to the couch and sat with her, just holding her until her tears began to subside.

"Do you mind?" I asked her.

She shook her head. "Are you sure you're not going to regret it?"

"Never. I only have one regret now."

She didn't ask what. I wondered whether it was because she knew it was leaving her or because she was afraid it was something else.

"Was tonight okay?" I asked. I was afraid she would hate me for the disaster it had turned into.

"It was a start," Bella replied. She smiled encouragingly at me. "Although, why did you give her that second thickshake?" She shook her head and gave a hard laugh.

"A start is good?" I wanted to clarify.

"Yeah, it is."

"Are you going to tell her who I am?" I asked.

Bella sighed. "I want to. She's so clever, she's going to realise something soon and I don't want her to find out off someone else. I just don't know how."

"Maybe we can tell her together?"

"Maybe."

"Are you taking her out of the country?" My voice came out in a choked whisper.

Bella pulled away and looked at me. "No, why would you think that?"

"You're selling the house." It came out as a statement.

Bella looked surprised. "Yeah. I told you I was offered a job."

"Yeah. You also told me you weren't taking it."

"I told you I wasn't moving to London, not that I wasn't taking the job."

"What?"

She sighed. "You really don't listen do you?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm moving to Sydney in February. Pembleton's offered me a job in their Sydney or London office. London is just too far from my family."

My world had been turned upsidedown but a smiled beamed across my face. Bella was moving to Sydney. Everything was fucking right in the world.

**A/N:- Well I promised Sunday - and here is it on Friday :) **

**I can't believe the support this little fic of mine is getting! I see it splashed on twitter & I just want to run & hug everyone who posts about it. Thank you to all my pimpers and to those who read & enjoy the madness that is RCE & CV :P**

**I will have a review thank-you scene as always for this story, but it will go out over the weekend 'cause it's not complete yet. Thank you to all who have reviewed this, especially those of you joining late but who still took the time to let me know what you thought of every chap. I can't believe this is already at 370 reviews - I wonder can you help me push it over 400?**

**Thanks as always to Gabbysway2 who helps when I panic about where things are going. I think she knows how much I appreciate it, but I want to make sure all of you do too.**

**And in case you missed it - yes I now have a beta. In fact probably 2 from now on but one for this chap because I really wanted to get it up for you to see their date. **

**Oh and Cullen Racing now has an "official" twitter cullen_racing**


	23. Clueless

**Chapter 23****: Clueless**

_A/N: I own nothing. __Characters are all __Stephenie Meyers__'_ _creations, I'm just torturing them__.__ Thanks to my lovely beta (FE71SH) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

I couldn't wipe the fucking smile off my face. I couldn't believe my luck. Bella wasn't leaving the country, she wasn't taking Phoebe away, she was currently wrapped in my arms. The scent of her strawberry shampoo was right under my nose; it smelled fucking terrific as she leaned into me. I felt like I was at home.

Her hair brushed across my chest as she nuzzled close to me. She tucked her legs up underneath her and nestled into my shoulder. I didn't know what Bella was thinking as her hand gently wrapped around my arm, I don't know if she realised how good her touch felt. I closed my eyes and blocked out the last four years, pretending none of it had happened. The formal was just yesterday and I never freaked out. We were just happy together and I had never hurt her.

It was a nice fantasy.

We sat like that for a long time, half an hour or more passed before either of us dared to move. Silence emanated from Phoebe's room so I assumed she was asleep, but I really didn't fucking know.

Bella's hand came up to her face as she wiped away the last of her tears. As she swept her cheek, her hand brushed across my chest and an involuntary moan rose in my throat. Her touch was so charged with electricity, and nothing had ever compared. Nothing _could_ ever compare. I opened my eyes and looked down at her. Our eyes met and I realised she had been staring at me. She gave me a small smile and bit her lip when she realised she'd been caught. I smiled in response and ducked my head a little. Bella tilted her head back and parted her lips. I grazed my own lips against them and rested them there. It wasn't quite a kiss, but our lips definitely met. I closed my eyes and breathed in her presence. It was calming and soothing.

Her tongue pushed forward from between her teeth and ran along my bottom lip. I groaned again. I wondered if she knew exactly what she did to me. Every muscle in my body was primed and ready for action. And I mean _every_ muscle. I gingerly slid my tongue forward to greet hers. Her eyes closed and it was her turn to moan. My arm moved from her waist to her hair and my fingers traced through the length of it. Her hands pressed against my chest, almost as if she were trying to push me away at the same time that she was moving forward into the kiss.

I was seventeen again, having the images of the life Bella wanted in my head. University. Marriage. Family. Only now, I wanted it too. I knew there was a long road to walk, but I wanted to prove to Bella that I could do it. And that meant knowing when to slow down. Like now. Nothing would be served with continuing down the path I was on. Sleeping with Bella now would only prove I was an ass.

I tried to maintain control, but my body began to react on instinct and my hands traced down to her neck. She pulled away from me but only to drop her head backwards and give a breathy sigh. My lips went to her exposed throat and she gave another sigh. Her hands began to push me and I finally gained enough control to pull away from her, sinking back into the armrest and trying to put some distance between us. However, Bella followed. Her torso twisted and stretched to lie on top of mine. Her hands came into my hair and her lips pressed against mine. Suddenly, I was lying beneath her on the couch, her warm body resting between my legs and my hands positioned on the small of her back.

She was on top of me, and in front of me, and all around me - and I couldn't complain. I began to draw small circles on the tiny dimples near her tailbone. She pressed her hips forward, grinding lightly against me. "Oh, fuck." I whispered into her mouth.

I grabbed lightly at her hips, pulling them into me, relishing the feel of the pressure of her pelvis against mine. I had never wanted anything, or anyone, more than I wanted her right now. The part of me that was screaming resistance was getting smaller with every passing second. My fingers began to play at the edge of her top, it would be so easy to pull it off. Then I could feel her skin pressed to me. I could see her in whatever underwear she was currently wearing. Just the thought of it made me groan in anticipation. I put a hand on either side of her waist and played my fingers upwards, inching her top higher and higher.

A loud beeping sound broke the silence in the house. The noise wasn't so unbearable that I couldn't ignore it, but Bella seemed to have other ideas.

"Oh, shit," she said as she climbed off me. As she stood in front of me, she smoothed down her shirt and ran her fingers through her hair. She chewed on her lips as her eyes shifted from my face to my crotch and back again, she blushed brightly and walked off.

I stood quickly, adjusting myself to find some space in my pants, and followed her. As we passed the spot where she had dropped the shirt earlier she quickly ducked down and picked it up before throwing it back to me, without turning her head in my direction. I slid it on without a second thought. Obviously I was making her uncomfortable and that was the last thing I wanted.

It was only as I reached the laundry a split second behind her that the obvious question came to me. "Why do you have a men's shirt?" I asked as she opened the machine lid.

Bella turned to look at me. "It's Jake's," she said, as if the question was absurd and the answer obvious.

"Why do you have Jake's shirt then?" I wondered if the fucker made a regular habit of coming here and getting shirtless. He seemed like the sort of guy that would walk around half naked all day if he had half an excuse.

She rolled her eyes. "You are kidding me aren't you?"

"What?"

She reached into the washing machine to pull out the clothes. "You aren't seriously still jealous of Jake, are you?"

Was I? I guess I was a little, but it wasn't because I thought the fucker was into Bella or was a threat to me in _that _way. But he had almost four years of Bella's life that I'd never have. He had three years with Phoebe that I'd never have. He was in their lives in ways I had never been - in all the ways I wanted to be. I began to wonder if he'd been there to experience all of Phoebe's firsts. Had he held her hand and helped her with her first steps? I felt physically ill at the thought, that should have been me.

Before I got a chance to answer the question Bella huffed, bringing my attention back to her. "Seriously. You never listen properly do you?"

"What?" I expected to get a lecture about how Jake was gay and there was nothing between them, so her next statement confused me.

"I said to put the towels in the basket and your shirt in the washing machine."

"So?"

"What did you do?"

I thought about that. I came in and... fuck. I'd thrown everything in the washing machine. It was my turn to blush. "Sorry."

She pulled out my shirt. It was covered in multi-coloured fluff.

"What happened to _that_?" I asked.

"_Someone_ put towels in the washing machine with it."

"Oh."

Bella examined it quickly. "It might be salvageable," she said. Then she put my shirt into the dryer on its own. "Hopefully this will get rid of some of that pilling." She cleaned some dust out of a cover on the front of the dryer and pressed some buttons to start it.

I was lost and wasn't afraid to tell her so. "Thank you for this. I don't know what I would have done otherwise. Probably left that for mum to do in the morning."

She laughed and shook her head. "You are pretty clueless about all things domestic, aren't you?"

I put my arms out to her in apology. "I'm pretty clueless in lots of things. But I'm trying."

She considered me for a minute, then nodded. "Yes, you are trying." She stepped into my outstretched arms and wrapped her arms around my waist. I rested my cheek on the top of her head. My breath came in long, shaky gasps. I wanted her so badly. Just being so close to her was driving me crazy. I felt myself losing the semblance of the control I had finally achieved, and knew it would be a mistake to stay any longer. I dropped my arms and stepped back.

"Bella, I'd better go."

"Why?" She seemed shocked.

I tucked a loose strand of hair back behind her ear, she closed her eyes and sighed as our skin contacted. I smiled when she looked back at me, her breathing as unsteady as mine.

"That's why. I don't think we should..." I trailed off, sure the look in my eyes and straining crotch were enough to communicate to her what I didn't think we should do.

She nodded. "No, we definitely shouldn't" – she bit her lip and her voice fell to a whisper – "at least not yet."

I ducked down and she stood on tiptoes and our lips met in a chaste kiss.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" I asked. Then I added, "Only if you want to though."

"Sure," she breathed. "You'll need to come back to get your shirt anyway."

"Oh, and while I remember, are you free on Saturday?"

"Why?"

"I want to take you somewhere, just the two of us. Then I'd like us to go out on Sunday, as a family."

She shook her head. "I don't know if I'll be able to get a babysitter at such short notice."

"Mum's going to do it," I said. Then I realised that might sound like I'd been working behind her back. "That is, I asked her if she would mind if no one else could do it."

Bella looked shocked but didn't say anything.

"What is it?"

"Your mum agreed to have Phoebe on a weekend?" she asked.

"Yeah. I mean I thought you said Phoebe went around there a bit, so I..." I trailed off, the look on her face worried me. "I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd mind."

"I don't as such. It's just... you mum doesn't usually watch Phoebe on weekends, that's all."

I felt my eyebrows pinch together. "Why not?"

"No reason, I guess." Her voice was full of stress.

I cupped her cheek. "There is a reason, what is it?"

She squeezed her eyes tight. "Please don't..." - she inhaled deeply - "don't make me explain. Not now."

I hated seeing her in this much pain - especially knowing that it was my fault, even though I didn't know the reason. "Okay, no explanations tonight. But when you are ready, I'll be here."

"I hope so," she whispered.

"No, not hope so," I replied. I lifted her chin so I was looking directly into her eye. "Bella, when you are ready. I _will _be here."

She looked deep into my eyes as if trying to hunt out the lie.

I wanted her to believe, to understand. I kept eye contact. " I. Am. Not. Going. Anywhere." I emphasised each word.

She nodded. "Okay."

I pressed my lips gently to hers again. "I'll see you tomorrow. Call me when you are ready for me to come over."

She smiled. "Okay, Edward, and... thanks."

She threw herself into my arms and kissed me goodbye properly.

I shot her a quick smile as we pulled apart. She stepped back and leaned against the washing machine for support.

I knew the feeling.

I walked to the car on shaky legs. When I reached it I checked that the seats and carpet were dry, and wound the windows up. There was a slight lingering smell, but if it moved Bella and I onto the next step it was a small sacrifice to make.

* * *

"Mum, I'm home," I called as I entered the house.

"How'd it go?" she replied from the kitchen.

"Good." I walked up behind her. "Actually, no, not just good. Great." I climbed onto the kitchen bench.

"That's good. Did you all have fun?"

I laughed. Vomit, attitude and McDonald's weren't really my idea of 'fun' but it was a good night regardless.

Mum turned slightly to look at me. "What happened to your shirt? That wasn't the one you wore was it? It's too big on you."

_Nice__, _I thought. Of course she would notice that. "Phoebe got sick in the car."

"Oh no, is she alright?" The concern and love in her voice was evident.

"Apparently she'll be fine; she just had too much to drink."

Mum nodded.

We lapsed into silence for a few minutes, the only noise being the sloshing of the dishwater as she washed up.

"Are you still right to watch Phoebe on Saturday?" I asked, breaking the silence.

"Definitely."

"And you really don't mind?"

"No, I really don't mind. Why?"

"Bella just said something about you not usually watching Phoebe on weekends."

She shrugged and the dishes in front of her were suddenly very interesting. "I guess I haven't. I've never thought about it too much."

Her voice was a little too dismissive, her actions a little too blunt. She was lying.

"Bullshit," I said. "What the fuck is going on?"

"Edward, please! Watch your language," she snapped. She grabbed a tea-towel and dried off her hands. She threw it onto the bench. "And I said there wasn't a reason."

She stalked out of the kitchen. Half a minute later, I heard a door slam down the other end of the hall. I sat stunned for a few seconds. I tried to remember a time mum had ever snapped like that before. There was more to this fucking situation than everyone was telling me. I was more determined than ever to find out what it was but there was no fucking way I was going to walk into Mum and Dad's room right now to find out. I didn't know if Dad was home or not, and Mum was obviously in no mood to talk.

I looked at the half washed dishes and decided to try my best to finish them. I wasn't lying when I said I was clueless. I usually just ate with the team or grabbed something on the way home. I didn't cook and I certainly didn't clean. I paid people to do that for me. But right now I wanted to help in whatever way I could. At least it would be one less thing for Mum to stress over later. I left the pots because I had no fucking clue how to clean them but did the glasses and plates and left it all to air dry in the drainer beside the sink.

Then I locked up the front door and walked into my room. A parcel sat on the bed, Mum must have signed for it. I checked the sender's address and smiled. Carlisle had come through for me, like he always did, but I couldn't believe he'd paid for overnight freight on it. Then again, knowing Carlisle it would come off my next pay cheque.

I thought about the team. I felt like I was ready to return. In fact, with the new-found knowledge of Bella's move I found myself anxious to return to Sydney. I felt like we could begin again there - together. I wanted to celebrate the progress we'd made. I wanted to shout from the rooftops that Bella and I were going to be together. I knew I was fucking miles ahead of where we actually were, but I knew we would get there. Tonight was proof of that. Despite the disasters, we had managed. We would manage. We would face the world together.

The love between Bella and I was evident in everything we did. It would overcome, I knew it would. Then there was the chemistry – _that_ was going to kill me before long. I wondered how much longer I could be in her presence without dragging her to the bedroom caveman style. In fact, just thinking about her filled my mind with visions of our time together – and what visions. It was hard to believe that we'd only been together twice. I'd slept with casual flings more than that. But Bella was no casual fling, and she was worth waiting for. Every second of our time together was etched permanently into my memory, whereas all the other girls melded into a nameless, faceless blur. If I could take back every one of them I would, but I couldn't. All I could do was prove to Bella she was all I ever wanted. All I ever would want. And I had a few ideas of how to do it.

I pulled open the box that Carlisle had sent and grinned at the contents. I saw a note on the top in Carlisle's handwriting.

_All organised for Saturday as requested. _

I desperately wanted it to be Saturday already. Between that thought and the visions that were in my mind I decided to turn in early.

I walked to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of Dad's whiskey, on the rocks. I took it to the bedroom and locked the door behind me. I spent the next little while reliving the memory of Bella in London.

* * *

**A/N:- I will have a BPOV for this chap, to be honest I think I will just let you know if I *won't* have one for any reason cause I just have too much fun writing them :D**

**As always thanks to my twitter/wc girls for helping push this chapter out. Thank you to Gabbysway2 for being there to sound-board off.**

**I have an entry in the black balloon contest if you haven't read it yet go check it out, it's called Never Quite Enough. I also highly recommend CorrinaTFF's entry "To Start a Life" and 's entry "Cottages At The Cove". Go check them out, but BE WARNED - it is an angst contest, so expect... um... angst LOL. Links to both are in my fav's list. **

**O****nce contest time starts I'll let everyone know so they can go vote for their favourite. **

**I have started to put Teacher's Pet up on Twilighted & TWCS. Eventually I will post all my newer stories (TP, SL & CV) on both (they will stay here too but jic anything strange should happen I want them in a few places). **


	24. Jammed

**Chapter 24: Jammed**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely beta (FE71SH) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

*****

I woke early on Thursday morning, having slept the whole night through. I didn't know what it was about being home but I hadn't had sleep as restful for nearly four years. I was so used to the insomnia, the waking and the nightmares.

I felt really good and ready to face the world. I grabbed the empty glass off my bedside table and headed towards the kitchen. I was halfway when I heard Mum's voice coming from the kitchen and carrying down the hall in a hushed whisper.

"No, don't worry. He won't be here over the weekend. He's got other plans."

I stopped dead in my tracks and listened to the one-sided conversation.

"I know. It'll be fine. In fact it'll be nice spending some time with her." Mum paused then said reassuringly, "Yeah, I'm sure."

Her voice dropped even lower, "Listen, I know it's not my place but I'm glad you two are trying. You are good for him."

She gasped. "He didn't."

I walked a little further so Mum could see me. Her eyes widened slightly with surprise and she abruptly said good-bye and hung up the phone.

"Who was that?" I asked, trying to sound politely disinterested. I had a very strong suspicion I knew _exactly_ who it was, but I wanted to see if Mum would lie about it.

"It was just Bella," she replied.

"What, were you two getting your story straight? Making sure you know exactly what to tell me?" All this secrets and lies bullshit was beginning to grate on my nerves.

"It's not like that," she objected. "She just wanted to make sure I was right to watch Phoebe."

I assessed her; I could tell she wasn't going to give me any extra information if I pushed hard on the issue. I shrugged. "Whatever."

I banged the glass on the bench, causing Mum to jump a little. She was definitely wound up.

"I'm going for a shower. I need to go to Bella's later to get my shirt." I walked straight into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I _knew _something was happening and was starting to get annoyed at both Bella and Mum for trying to hide whatever the fuck it was. I showered and dried off hurriedly. I wrapped the towel around my waist and walked back into my room to find some clothes, formulating a plan as I went. Mum had said 'he' wouldn't be here. I knew she wasn't referring to me because Bella knew _my _plans. I dressed in a pair of slacks and a short sleeve shirt, I needed to be presentable for a visit to the city.

I walked back into the kitchen, the glass was gone from the counter. It was an additional indicator that something was wrong - Mum cleaned when she was nervous.

"I was thinking about talking to Dad about some possible investments. Is he free on the weekend?"

"No, he's going away for business tomorrow night. He won't be back until Tuesday," she said, absentmindedly. I think she was waiting for the 'inevitable' explosion and demands that she tell me what was going on.

I wasn't going to. "Oh that's too bad. I guess I'll have to go into his office to talk to him. I really wanted to get this sorted."

"Sure thing dear," she said. "I'm sure he'll be able to fit you in, just give the office a call and make an appointment. He'll be glad to know you are willing to start doing something with your money."

I resisted the eye-roll. I had a fucking team of brokers that worked for Cullen Racing that handled that shit for me. I was sure they were ten times better than any two-bit banker could be – even if that two-bit banker was my father. "Yeah, I'll be sure to call first," I said, knowing full well I wouldn't.

"Bella said she's free whenever you are ready, if that means anything to you."

I nodded. I was glad she'd called so early to ask me over, it meant that she was as anxious to see me as I was to see her, but I couldn't see her right now. She'd asked me not to push her about the situation with Mum and I wanted to respect that request, but I knew if I went over there right away I _would_ push her - because whatever was happening... I had a goddamn right to know. It was easier just to stay away for a few hours until I got this sorted. And I would fucking get it sorted.

"If she calls back, can you tell her I'll be over later? I just have some errands to run first."

"Errands?"

"Oh, you know, I still need a couple more outfits if I'm going to be here until I'm due back for testing."

"When's that?"

"January."

"You're staying until January?" she asked, her voice shocked. It occurred to me that we'd never discussed exactly how long I'd be in town for.

I dropped my head, suddenly worried that maybe she wouldn't want me around for that long. "Yes. Well... I mean... if that's alright with you, I'd like to."

She walked over to me, placing one hand on either cheek and pulling my face down to look at her. "You're welcome to stay as long as you want. I just didn't realise you'd be here through Christmas."

_Christmas_? Holy fuck. I hadn't thought about Christmas. I wondered what I looked like as I felt the colour drain from my face. My first Christmas as a father. My first Christmas with a family. How the hell was I going to do that? Would Bella expect me to dress up as Santa and all that shit? Would we have to spend time at her family's house? The thought of it terrified me - alone with Emmett and 'killer' Charlie. Worse – _Rosalie_. I knew that I would have to face them all sooner or later, but frankly later suited me just fine.

I shook my head to cut off the thoughts. Christmas was still a month and a half away, I could worry about it then. For the moment I needed to focus on the here and now, otherwise I risked screwing things up with Bella again. And in the here and now I needed to find out what the fuck was going on.

"Well, if that's settled," I said, stepping out of Mum's grasp. "I'm just going to go... run those errands."

She furrowed her brow at my evasiveness, but just said, "Sure."

I climbed into my car, the smell of the vomit was worse this morning. I wound down all the windows to get fresh air through the car as I turned onto the motorway. The wind swept through my hair. I drove for all of ten minutes before I came to a grinding halt in the last dredges of peak hour traffic. The sun beat through my windscreen and I cursed myself for the clothing choices I had made.

I glanced over at the car next to me to see someone staring slack-jawed through their window. Once I had glanced in their direction they waved frantically and the passenger rolled down their window.

"You're Edward Masen aren't you?" they shouted across the divide between our cars.

Fuck me. During my time in Sydney I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be anonymous. My time in London and in Browns Plains had almost brought it back to me. Especially the last few days with Bella. It was nice to feel almost normal again. I hadn't realised how nice until this moment, sitting in a car that was the equivalent of a fish-bowl. I felt eyes alighting with recognition all around me. I sunk deeper into my seat, trying to hide away from them. I'd left the car seat in the car when I left, and it was now sitting in the back as evidence of my new life. I could almost hear the thoughts of everyone around me as they pondered that development.

I was going to be stuck in this traffic for a while. The way I saw it I had two choices, I could either leave the windows down and endure the stares, or I could wind them up and put on the air-conditioning, allowing the smell to cycle through the car. Either choice had its drawbacks. The sun ended up making my decision for me, simply by making it too fucking hot. I sighed as I raised the windows up and turned on the climate control. I set it to 19⁰ and ducked my head so that the cool breeze ran through my sweat drenched hair. I tugged my hand through the mess a few times to try to tame it, but nothing seemed to work so I gave up and simply rested my head in my hand and leaned my elbow against the driver's window, contemplating just what the fuck I was doing. I was heading into the city to do what exactly? Walk up to my father's work and ask him the questions I was dying for an answer to? Could I do that? Should I? I flicked the radio on to distract me. If I allowed myself to over-think this I might never find out what was going on.

The car inched forward along the highway and I felt my courage dissipating a little more with every passing minute. The radio was doing nothing to quell the doubts creeping into my mind or the sick sensation in my stomach.

My phone rang loudly in my pocket and vibrated against my leg causing me to startle a little. I gathered my bearing and pushed the button on the stereo to activate the hands-free.

"Hello?"

"Edward. It's Dr Laurent. I'm calling for our appointment."

"Oh fuck, Doc, I forgot."

He chuckled a little. "Is now a convenient time? Or would you like me to call back?"

"No, now's fine. It's as good a time as any other."

"What would you like to talk about today?"

"You're the shrink – you tell me what we should talk about."

"Why don't you tell me a little bit about Bella?"

"Like what?"

"How did you meet?"

"At school."

"Just _at school?_ Won't you elaborate?"

I sighed. I knew there was no point in evasion. If I was serious about trying to get better for Bella – for Phoebe – I needed to talk as honestly as I could. I told him about the first time I met Bella, when we were six – how she was a walking contradiction and I'd been immediately enamoured.

"And then what happened?"

"Then we became friends. For about eight years that's what we were. Friends. Best friends. We shared everything. Barely a day passed when I didn't see or speak to her." It felt so confronting, remembering what Bella and I had been. I didn't think I could articulate exactly what we meant to each other – even back then, long before we discovered our mutual attraction, long before girls stopped having germs - Bella was always there for me. I was willing to risk getting cooties by talking to her. I wanted to smile, and I wanted to cry, just thinking about it.

The beep of a horn behind me indicated I had tuned out – the traffic had moved on, and was in fact gaining speed. I pressed down on the accelerator as I continued to talk to Dr Laurent.

"She was there for me through everything. No one else knows this, but there were quite a few nights when we would sneak out after everyone was asleep and meet at our park bench. It was never planned, but somehow we both seemed to arrive within minutes of each other. I don't know how to explain it doc, in fact it probably makes me sound like a fucking looney to try – but it was like we were linked. Like we could communicate without words."

"That doesn't sound unreasonable. Many people would say they have a similar connection with their partners."

"Maybe, fuck, I don't know. I just fucking know that whenever I needed her she was there for me. Always. And I was always there for her..." I stopped. I couldn't continue on that train of thought – because I hadn't always been there for her. I had deserted her during the one time she needed my support most.

"What are you not telling me, Edward?" I should have known better than to assume the doc wouldn't hear my pause.

"I deserted her," I choked out. My eyes stung and I was finding it hard to concentrate on the road ahead of me. I watched the tail-lights of the car in front as carefully as I could and followed their line.

"When?" Dr Laurent asked in a strangely calm, almost hypnotising voice. "How?"

"When I moved to Sydney..." I couldn't say anymore, I couldn't tell him about the shame I felt. A sob ripped from my chest.

"Edward?" Confusion laced his tone. He'd heard me rage, and scream, and swear, and argue. He'd never once heard me cry.

"Doc, I fucked up." Another sob ripped out of my chest but thank fuck the tears were merely swelling. None had fallen yet. "I fucked up real bad. I don't even know how to begin fixing things. It's all my fault. If I hadn't left her. God, things might be different now."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry, Doc. I... I can't..."

"Would you like to stop for today?"

I didn't answer. Did I? I felt like it was cheating Bella if I didn't complete the session, but I couldn't keep going. I was already finding it difficult to even see the car in front through the tears that hazed my vision. I eventually managed a small, "Please."

"Edward, I would like you to discuss everything you need to talk about. But you need to do it at your own pace."

"Sure."

"We'll pick this up tomorrow, same time."

"Okay. Thanks, Doc." I knew he would still charge me for the full hour – and for the cost of the phone call – but I couldn't care. I needed to get off the phone.

I jumped as the call disconnected and the radio blared back to life. I hadn't even realised how much I had turned up the sound while Dr Laurent was on the phone. I bit my lip to fight off the tears that were still threatening my eyes. I was once again dangerously close to a panic attack. I weaved through the traffic as quickly as I could and took the Elizabeth Street off-ramp. I was heading straight for the car park underneath the Wintergarden. I knew it would be expensive but it was also central to the city. I glanced down at the clock – it was just before eleven. As I drove closer to the Wintergarden, my heart thudded in my chest. I had completely forgotten that the Hilton was right above the car park. The fucking Hilton. The last time I had been here was when disaster struck. When I left Bella. I hadn't stayed at any Hilton's since then – but this one in particular I couldn't handle. I focused on the car park entry, determined to get in before I broke down. It was all too fucking much.

I ripped the ticket from the machine, glad they had these unmanned booths now. The boom gate opened and I drove underneath. I headed straight for the bottom level, twisting around the ramps and corridors. I only stopped when I saw a group of unoccupied parks. After I had stopped the car I slammed my fists against the steering wheel in frustration. Why the fuck had I come here. Ugly reminders of the formal were everywhere I looked. Every level of this fucking carpark was the same – every level exactly like it had been when I'd had to drag my sorry ass from the hotel room after Bella left.

I still remembered every second of that dreadful walk. What was supposed to be the best morning of my life instead felt like a funeral march. My relationship was over. I felt no satisfaction from the night before – in fact I felt sickened at the fact that it happened right before our break-up. I recalled with perfect clarity the resolution I had made, somewhere between the lobby and level P3, that regardless of what else happened I would win Bella back. I wouldn't run away. We would discuss uni and Cullen Racing and hopefully come to a compromise. Of course, as I reached that resolve, I hadn't been counting on Emmett waiting by my door.

My breathing came in ragged heaves as the panic attack that had been threatening for so long hit with full force. This was too much this was all too much. This had been simultaneously the best and worst two weeks of my life. I couldn't do this. I couldn't cope. How could Bella and I ever move past the obstacles in our way? Her family hated me. They would never forgive me. _I_ could never forgive me.

I pulled my legs up into my chest, ignoring the biting pain as the steering wheel dug into my shins. I put my head onto my knees and tried to breath but it didn't help. I couldn't stop the thoughts that were consuming me long enough to draw oxygen into my lungs. I was going to die. This was going to be my demise. A fucking car park in the city. I fumbled with the door until I reached the handle and then half-climbed half-fell out of the car. I pushed the door shut to remove it from my path and I crawled to the front of the car, squeezing myself between the front bumper and the concrete wall. I sat staring at the blank concrete and leaned against the car, dropping my head back to touch the grill. What the fuck was I doing?

Hours later, that may have only been minutes or even seconds, I felt my breath begin to return, bringing my sanity along with it. I tried to remind myself that Bella was willing to give it another go. _She_ was willing to forgive me - even if her family couldn't accept that. That was all that mattered.

I stood and drew one more shaky breath, steeling my nerve and my resolve. I would find my father and talk with him – find out what the hell Bella and mum were hiding. Then I would work hard until I earned Bella's forgiveness. Until I deserved it. I locked the car and headed towards the elevator, without glancing back or around me. I knew one more reminder of that night might be enough to kill me. I wished that I could turn back time, and make it all better. Do it the right way.

As my eyes scanned the levels and my finger hovered over the buttons inside the elevator I had an idea. Maybe I _could_ make it better. I knew I couldn't actually turn back time, but maybe I could do the next best thing.

I made up my mind and then pushed the button for the hotel lobby rather than the shopping centre entrance below. I gulped nervously and said a silent prayer that this plan would work.

As the elevator doors opened, I planted a smile on my face as I walked up to the concierge. I saw recognition light up his features immediately. Maybe this would be like shooting fish.

*****

An hour later my plan was set into motion, and I didn't have to organise a fucking thing. I think the hotel manager would have eaten his own shit if I'd asked him to. Sometimes this celebrity thing wasn't so bad – sometimes all it took to grease the right wheels was a few autographs and a couple of happy-snaps.

I went back to the wintergarden and had a quick bite to eat. I sat thinking of the week I had planned for Bella. If it wasn't the best fucking week of her life, something was wrong. I grinned stupidly while I thought of the look on her face. I very nearly turned straight around and headed back to her house to see her. But then I remembered I had come to the city for a reason. I cleared my table and walked into the Queen Street Mall. I knew the route to Dad's work by heart and my feet began to trail along the familiar path.

As I passed Post Office Square and approached the building that housed his bank my eyes scanned the small cafe across the road. I couldn't say what had initially drawn my attention, but I knew why I couldn't turn away. My hands clenched into tight fists at my side. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but it was there plain as day. In that moment, I saw everything.

I saw him.

And I saw her.

And then I saw red.

**A/N - Sorry. I know evil cliffy. But if you never hang (or jump) from a cliff, the love of your life won't come back to you - isn't the the moral of New Moon.... wait are you telling me it isn't? Huh. *puts away the mountain climbing equipment***

**One thing I will say just to put your mind at ease. Bella is at her house, waiting for Edward to drop by. She has had no compulsion to go into the city. JSYK.**

**I hope to update again soon. I've got some awesome WC buddies who are helping me power through chapters at the moment & my beta is swell at getting this done quickly. There are so many shout outs I want to make but I'm afraid if I do someone will be left out. Stuff it I'll make them anyway, if I leave you out it isn't because I don't love you. **

**Thanks to Gabbysway2 for being my fic wifey (and thanks CorrinaTFF for the term LOL) - you helped mould this chapter for sure. I know, I know, you would say it was there all along but you helped focus me on what had to happen, even if it changed slightly in the final telling (although what we discussed.... that comes next). **

**Thanks for CorrinaTFF, Mymunkyman, Mrs_Ambrosia10, Shoefreak37, Vampshavelaws and Albymangroves for the wicked WC's. You girls rock :) seriously you crack me up *thinks to self* Stick people porn hehehehehe**

**Sorry this A/N kinda got off track there for a bit. Love to all my twitter girlies, love to all my reviewers & love to all my readers. Thanks and love to everyone who pimped or rec'd me. I think that should have caught everyone :)**

**There will be a BPOV for this. Not sure how soon - I'll be hiding at work for the next few hours. **

**Topic for discussion - should I get a twilighted thread? Do people want to be able to discuss their theories on this fic?**


	25. Collapse

**Chapter 25: Collapse**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely beta (FE71SH) & my sweet pre-reader Gabbysway2 for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

*****

"What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing!" I screamed as soon as my brain had taken in the details of the scene. I tried to work out what I found most disturbing. The fact that my father had his hand in another woman's lap, the fact that she was feeding him, and he was pulling all sorts of ridiculous faces as he licked the fork clean, or maybe it was the fact they were doing it out here in public, without any shame – as if it were just a normal relationship, not an illicit affair.

I decided that despite all of that horrid detail that I had to endure watching, there was one thing more disturbing. Much, much more disturbing.

And that was the fact that the girl was Jessica Stanley.

Dad looked up at the sound of the yelling. I didn't know if it was because he recognised my voice though – because almost everyone in the cafe raised their head at the noise. I completely tuned out everything around me except for him and her. I didn't even watch for cars as I stormed across the road. My sole focus was on my father and the floozy.

Dad stood quickly, knocking over his chair in the process. It clattered loudly behind him. "Edward? What... what are you doing here?" He looked around between me and that tramp, willing himself to understand.

I didn't stop my charge until I was in his face and had his shirt collar scruffed into my fist. The look of terror on his face was evident. For years he'd always managed to maintain a certain level of authority, even as my height towered over his. It was only during the last week that his power had waned. I don't know exactly what point I lost my respect for him, but it was definitely sometime between his words about Bella and the sight of him with _her._

I put my face right in his. "What. The. _Fuck_. Is. Going. On."

I finally tore my eyes away from him long enough to look at Jessica. She was sitting with a look that rested halfway between fear and amusement.

I pushed Dad out of my way in disgust, before I could do any serious damage to him or myself.

Jessica obviously decided to settle on the emotion of embarrassment because she gave a nervous giggle and said, "Um, hi, Edward. I, ah, didn't expect to see you here. Although Eddie had told me you were back in town."

_Eddie?_ What the fuck. I turned my stare onto her and she shrank back in shock. Fear overtook her features. My head swung back and forth between them, not trusting myself to talk. I knew that in my current mood a stream of invective would be the most conversation I was capable of. Not that they didn't deserve it. Both Dad and Jessica kept their eyes on me, both wary as if I were a hungry predator preparing to strike.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, but the red haze still filled my vision.

"Will someone tell me what the fuck is going on here!" I shouted, kicking out and knocking over the table in front of Jessica. She screamed and leapt out of the way as the contents went flying, spraying coffee or chocolate or something all over the ground and on some of the surrounding patrons, who fled as quickly as they were able.

"Calm down, son," my father said, placing his hand on my shoulder. I twisted out of his grip, knocking his arm off roughly with my elbow.

"Don't touch me," I spat at him.

He glanced around nervously, suddenly aware of the gathering crowd. I couldn't give a fuck about anyone, I just wanted answers. But at the same time, I really didn't want to know.

"Does Mum know?" I said through gritted teeth.

"Can't we go somewhere a bit more discrete to discuss this? Please, Edward."

"Does Mum know?" I shouted, picking up the nearest chair and hurling it at the wall. Screams from the bystanders filled the air but I could care less. Anger burned through me painfully and I needed to release it.

Dad hung his head. "Yes. She knows."

"Does she fucking know it's with a slut younger than me?" I growled. "I mean, what the _fuck_!" I picked up another chair and threw it.

Dad squared up in front of me. "Jess and I are in love, Edward. In a way I've never really felt about your mother."

"Are you fucking kidding me? You are screwing _Jessica_. She's the fucking town bicycle for fucks sake. And worse than that she's a year younger than _me_ - your fucking son - and you have the nerve to tell me you are fucking in love?" I was dangerously close to losing control, but was surprised when Dad did first. I saw his fist the second before it connected with my jaw. It hurt but not enough to stop me from retaliating – hard. I grabbed at the side of his head and caught a fistful of his hair and yanked his head backwards, my other fist flying into his face. He pulled away and I threw myself at him in a tangle of limbs. Suddenly, I felt myself being pulled off him. I struggled against the arms that had me. I kicked out, knocking over more tables. I was beyond coherency. All I saw was the object of my fury. Everything else was a blur. I heard murmurs of conversations, and screaming, and the sun flashed in my eyes repeatedly.

Before I realised what was happening I was back across the road watching my father embrace Jessica fucking Stanley. He was fucking _comforting_ her. I went to launch myself across the road at him again. How _dare_ he do that to Mum? How could he be so brazen and uncaring to flaunt his fucked-up relationship in public? I was stopped by the two meathead security guards from the bank who were obviously the ones who had dragged me over here. I found myself backed into a corner by them. I could try to fight my way out, but I really didn't like my chances. Instead, I turned towards the wall and butted my head against it, focusing on the pain of the brick biting into my forehead to take the mind off the burning rage and my twisting stomach.

I kicked off from the wall to face the security guards again. They stared impassively at me, as if daring me to try to run. I knew they had no legal power to hold me against my will – but they were also big enough to beat the shit out of me if I tried to make a break for it. I turned back towards the wall and pounded my fist into it, just imagining it as my father's face. I pulled my fist back and shook my hand – that fucking hurt and only made me madder.

I heard _his_ voice barking out instructions to the guards. They turned and left, and suddenly I was face to face with the man who had been my hero while I was growing up. The man I now despised.

"I've smoothed things over with the cafe owner," he said. "He's agreed not to press charges if the damage is paid for."

"Like I give a shit," I spat at him. "How could you do it?"

"I've told you, son..."

I cut him off. "Don't you _dare_ call me son. You need to be a fucking father before you can call me son."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose – in I gesture I inherited from him. "Edward, go home and calm down. I'll talk to you about this later."

"Like fuck you will." I wanted to smack his smarmy face again, but instead I thought of Phoebe. What sort of father would_ I_ be if I kept this going? I took a deep breath and stared him down. I looked behind him and saw Jessica cowering near the building entrance – I had never hated two people more in all my life. "You are fucking dead to me now. Stay away from me. Stay away from Bella. And stay the _fuck_ away from Mum."

I turned and stalked away before he had a chance to respond – and before I had a chance to lose the sliver of control I had on my temper. Only thoughts of Bella and Phoebe stopped me from turning around and kicking his ass. Well, thoughts of Bella and Phoebe - and the fact that I knew those two boofhead security guards would be there waiting. I may have been angry – I wasn't fucking suicidal.

I made it back to Post Office Square before my lungs threatened to collapse on top of me. Anger still coursed through me and I had no way of releasing it. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I felt my legs turn to jelly beneath me. I picked up my pace – heading back in the general direction of the car. I was almost at a run by the time I hit the end of the Queen Street Mall. I drew quick laboured pants through my teeth. I needed.... I fucking didn't know what I needed. I just needed to get away. I needed to forget. I needed to wipe the image of my father being intimate with Jessica fucking Stanley out of my mind. Questions I really didn't want the answers to know why she was in the city – like whether she actually worked with him. I shuddered.

I took the stairs into the Wintergarden two at a time before screeching to a halt at the bottom when I saw a sign - a way to cope. The only way I knew how to cope. The temptation, the call, of the pub was too great and I couldn't resist. I nodded briefly to the bouncer, hiding my bloodied hand behind my back. I didn't want him to stop me, or ask me questions, because questions led to thoughts and I didn't want to think about Dad, or Jess, or anything really. I wanted to bring on oblivion. Oblivion and ignorance.

I didn't hesitate as I reached the bar and ordered a triple-shot of Jim Beam. I knew from past experience that would get me sufficiently blotto as quickly as possible. I paid the bartender as soon as he slapped the drink down in front of me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to clear the images of _him_ and _her_ from my head. I reached for the glass and raised it to my lips, but as I did I saw a new picture. Phoebe. Phoebe and Bella, smiling and waving. The glass slipped from between my fingers before I could comprehend what was happening. I opened my eyes just in time to see it hit the ground, smashing and spilling amber liquid everywhere.

"Fuck!" I exclaimed as I jumped backwards. But it was too late. I felt the liquid soaking into the hem of my pants.

"You alright, mate?" the bartender asked.

"Um, yeah... no... um... I'm sorry. I've...." I turned and fled without a second glance.

*****

I couldn't say how I ended up where I was but I knew it was exactly where I needed to be. I had no recollection of reaching my car or climbing in, of driving out of the car park and onto the freeway.

All I knew was I was here now.

I didn't even know how I managed to get out of the car and into the house. But here I was lying on my side on her couch, my head was cradled in her lap, with her arms wrapped around me. And I was sobbing. I don't know how long we stayed like that before I finally rolled onto my back and stared up at my personal angel. She brushed the hair from my eyes, and ran her fingers along my cheeks to brush away the remnants of my tears.

"Hi, you," I said.

"Hi yourself." She smiled softly at me and brushed her fingers through my hair again. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head. I'd finally composed myself enough to talk – I couldn't tell her that it felt like my entire world had crumbled. Everything that I'd known to be true, no longer was. Everything kept piling up on top of me, forcing me to shoulder one burden after another.

"You scared me before," she said matter-of-factly, "barging in here like that."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I just didn't know where else to go."

It was true; I had no idea how I was going to go home or ever face Mum. She knew about _that. _She knew about all the disgusting things my father did while at work. My heart plummeted as my memory started to work and the knowledge sunk in – Bella knew too.

"You..."

I rolled off of her lap and was across the room an instant later, staring at her accusingly.

"How could you, Bella? How the fuck could you keep that from me?" I was screaming at her, my voice wild and hysterical.

She looked back at the hallway, as if seeking an escape path, before turning back to me. She held her arms in front of her, palms upturned. I took it as a silent plea for understanding.

"How could you!" I screamed again.

"Edward," her voice was low and calm, "I don't know what you are talking about."

"About him. About fucking him. You knew! You knew and you never fucking told me."

She looked down the hall again. When she turned back her face was full of anger. "Watch your language!" she hissed.

"Fuck that! Why didn't you tell me my own fucking father was sleeping with Jessica fucking Stanley!"

Her face fell in shock and she gasped loudly. "What?"

I froze. Her expression of surprised looked genuine, but was it?

"You didn't know?" My voice was full of the disbelief I felt.

She shook her head. "I really didn't," she whispered. "How long?"

I took a step away from her, my back pressing against the wall. As soon as I felt pressure my legs gave beneath me and I slid down. I wrapped my arms around my legs and laid my head on my knees. "How could he do that to her?" I sobbed. "How could he say he loves _her_?"

Bella's hand enclosed my own, and she enticed me to raise my head just a little. She put her hand on my cheek. "Why don't you have a lie down? It sounds like you've had a bad day."

I wanted to laugh at the understatement, but I just didn't have it in me. There wasn't a single thing about my life which was the same as it had been two weeks ago. Two short weeks. I was hit with a paralysing fear of how short life really was. How quickly things could change. I climbed forward onto my knees and clutched at Bella. I placed one hand on either side of her face, and pushed my fingers into her hair. I caught her eyes with mine. A last sob escaped my throat before I managed to stifle them. I took a few deep breaths to calm my breathing, never breaking eye contact, then I pressed my lips to hers in a gentle, chaste kiss.

"I love you, Bella," I whispered. "You were right when I said I loved who you used to be. But you were wrong about one thing, I do love who you are now."

She ran one hand around the back of my neck and the other around my waist. She pulled me against her, and cradled me to her. "Come on," she said, apparently ignoring my statement. "Let's get you into bed. Things will look better in the morning."

I shook my head and nuzzled into her neck. "This won't. I don't know if this will ever feel better. How am I supposed to deal with this?"

"We deal with things because we have to," she said, the pain in her voice evident. "It's called life, Edward," she added quietly, her voice almost sarcastic.

I allowed her to help me to my feet. I was a little surprised when she walked past the spare room door and into her own room. I heard sounds that seemed far too bright and cheery for today coming from underneath the door. I knew it was still only early – far too early to be going to bed – but I couldn't care less. I wanted to cacoon myself in there, preferably with Bella's sweet scent next to me, and block out the rest of the world. The rest of the world hurt like fucking hell. It was easier to block out that pain with Bella beside me.

I climbed out of my still bourbon-soaked pants and into Bella's bed. Bella helped and supported me as best as she was able, muttering something incoherently as she worked. She grabbed my pants and headed out the door. I was finding it hard to breathe again by the time she returned. She ruffled her fingers lightly though my hair as she curled around behind me. I grabbed her hand and curled it around my body. Right now I needed her to survive. It felt like she was the only thing holding me to reality. I felt myself drifting towards unconsciousness sooner than I'd expected.

The last thing I heard was Bella's soft voice whispering in my ear, assuming I was asleep, "Why is it you can only tell me how you feel when you're drunk?"

I wanted to argue but I was too far gone and it just came out as a garbled murmur.

**A/N:- Well I hope you enjoy this chapter I wanted to get it up before I go offline for Easter :) I will have a BPOV reviewers scene for this one (which will also serve as a mini-teaser for the next chap :D) but I will only be able to post this while I'm still online - so it will either be tomorrow (aussie time) or not until Monday (aussie time). And BTW I usually send them out in bulk & occassionally one or two will slip through un-sent. If you ever reviewer & don't get a BPOV reviewer scene hit me up on twitter (mpg82 or cullen_racing) or PM me & I'll be more than happy to PM it to you. **

**I have a few contest entries out and about at the moment I'll let everyone know if I get through to the next rounds & need votes, but otherwise - just go check them out, they are a bit of fun (well Never Quite Enough isn't really fun being that it's an angst piece, but you know what I mean). **

**CorrinaTFF (the wonderful author of Smoking in the Boys Room) has started a twilighted thread dedicated to our boy RCE & we're naming the thread Victory Lane. You never know when I'll be lurking, teasing & answering questions so pop in for a chat. http://www . twilighted . net/forum/viewtopic . php?f=44&t=9346**

**Have a happy & safe Easter everyone :)**


	26. Interuptions

**Chapter 26: Interruptions**

_A/N: Characters (excluding original characters created for this story) are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. I don't own them. I do however own the storyline. Thanks to my lovely beta (FE71SH) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

*****f

I felt the bed I was in shift. I opened my eyes to try work out where exactly I was, but the night was too thick to see anything. I sat up slightly and heard a small voice call through the dark.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." It was Bella.

"Hi," I said, feeling that it was a completely inadequate statement. "What time is it?"

"It's just after eleven."

"And you're just getting to bed now?" I asked, my fuzzy brain trying to work out the events that led me to being in Bella's bed. Slowly things started to come back. "Weren't you with me before?"

She laughed a little and climbed underneath the blankets. "Yeah. But it was too early for me to go to bed. I didn't have the same benefits as you when it came to falling asleep."

"What benefits?" I asked, confused. By now Bella was lying in bed beside me and it was seriously clouding my ability to concentrate on anything but her, and how I really shouldn't reach out and touch her now.

"Like being drunk," she whispered into her pillow as if confessing her sins. I could hear the tears in her voice.

"I wasn't drunk, Bella."

"I've heard that before, Edward. You 'weren't drunk' but you had been drinking – just like when you came to visit me at Emmett's."

"No..."

"Edward, please," she begged. "Don't lie to me. What did I tell you when we had our talk. I want to trust you, but how can I if you are going to lie to me."

"Bella, listen to me. I wasn't drunk; I didn't drink today. I wanted to – god knows how much I fucking wanted to – but I didn't. I stopped."

"Let me guess, you smelled of alcohol because you spilled it on yourself. Do you think I came down in the last shower?"

"Didn't you just say you were going to try to trust me? Think about it, what reason do I have for lying now? You are in bed with me even though you think I was drunk – why would I try to convince you that I wasn't, what more would I get from it?"

"I'm hardly in bed with you, Edward," she sighed. "I mean sure, I'm in bed with you, but I'm not _in _bed with you."

"I'm glad you cleared that up," I chuckled.

"I had nowhere else to sleep."

"Not that I'm complaining, or want to leave, but I could always take your spare bed if you like."

"No!" she said, a little too quickly. I smiled. She didn't want me to get out of her bed – in fact she sounded almost desperate for me to stay.

I moved a little closer to her, and her breath hitched. It was hard to tell in the darkness but I could have sworn her eyes closed for half a second before they fluttered open again.

"Just stay over on your side," she said. I couldn't tell what the emotion I heard in her voice was – it almost sounded like desire, or maybe need, but that didn't marry up to her words.

"Really," I said. "I don't mind going to your spare room if you think it would be easier. I mean... I saw that the bed was made and everything when I was here yesterday."

"It's not really a spare room."

"What do you mean?"

"It's.... Jake's room – for when he stays over to help me out and stuff. I guess it doubles as a spare room when he's not here..."she babbled and I held up a hand to cut her off.

Her words took a second to sink in fully. "Jake's room?"

She nodded and cowered against the pillow.

"Jake's _room_? He's got a whole fucking room at your house?"

"Edward, you need to understand the relationship I have with Jake. He helps me out – sometimes he's the only thing that keeps me sane. And he's always there for Phoebe."

Then the other part of what she'd said hit home. It doubled as spare room, _when he's not here. _"Fucking hell, Bella. You mean that fucker was here the whole time? I was fucking pouring out my heart and fucking soul to you and that fucker heard everything?"

"No, Edward, it's not like that at all. He was here anyway and then you came in and he took Phoebe into his room. I didn't want you to scare her, not if we are going to tell her soon."

Bella's words stilled me. "Tell her? You mean who I am?"

"Yes. We agreed we were going to. We'll do it together. Soon."

I realised she was trying to redirect me. I wasn't sure I wanted to drop the Jake subject, but I was also reluctant to climb out of the bed. In the end I allowed the subject to be dropped, I could always bring it up again in the morning. She turned away from me and settled into a comfortable position.

I waited a few minutes, trying to fall back to sleep, but it felt so wrong to be so close and yet so far away from her. I moved a little closer to her, and she settled back into me. I took it as an invitation to snuggle into her. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her back so that I was spooning her properly. It reminded me of times when we'd slept over at each other's house when we were teenagers. We'd always start in separate rooms but sometime around midnight we would sneak across the hall for a few hours to spoon with each other before crossing back to our own separate rooms.

"This is just like when we were young," Bella said, echoing my thoughts.

I chuckled against her, tickling the spot at the base of her neck - sending a ripple down her spine. I laughed at her reaction to my breath, it hadn't changed in the intervening years. "Let's play pretend then," I whispered into her hair. "Just for tonight – let's pretend that we are back there again, that none of the shit that's gone down in the years since has happened. It's just you and me against the world like it always was."

"Instead of you and me against each other like it has been lately," she said sadly.

"No, Bella, it's not like that. I don't ever want to fight you. You protect me. You and Phoebe are the reason I didn't drink today – the reason I stopped before I did."

"You really didn't drink this afternoon?" her voice was still sceptical.

"I really didn't."

She rolled over in my arms and I was aware of just how close she was to me. Her breasts ended up pressed against my chest. Her thighs, which were uncovered, lay against the length of mine. I groaned as my body became hyper-aware of her nearness. I tried to pull away from her a little to allow room for growth, but without making it seem like I was distancing myself from her.

In the darkness I saw her eyes searching my face – presumably trying to find evidence of the lie.

"What can I do to prove it to you?" I asked. "Try me. I guarantee I don't smell or taste of alcohol," I joked, puckering my lips.

"Well, if you are willing to subject yourself to that sort of test, you must be telling the truth," she teased back.

"Oh yeah," I said sarcastically. "Kissing you would be real torturous."

"Really?" she asked, I could hear the smile in her voice. "Well, it's a good thing you won't be doing it for a long time."

I picked up on the opening she had left. "But I will be doing it eventually?"

She mock-punched me.

"It's funny," I continued, "it didn't feel that torturous yesterday."

"Edward Masen – you are an ass," she laughed.

"Isn't that why you love me?"

She froze, her entire demeanour shifting in an instant. I wondered what had caused the shift.

"You really weren't drunk earlier?" she asked.

"No, I honestly didn't drink anything today. I dropped the glass I was going to drink and ran from the pub. In fact I can probably make some calls and get the footage if you want."

"So everything you said earlier..."

"Was true - induced by stress, maybe - but true."

She chewed on her lip and her eyes found mine. I could see the depth of the chocolate-brown, even through the shrouding gloom. I raised my hand to her lip and coaxed it from between her teeth with my thumb. I suddenly realised exactly what it was she was asking and her words earlier came back to haunt me, '_Why is it you can only tell me how you feel when you're drunk?'_ I wanted to prove her wrong.

"I, Edward Masen - world class ass, love you, Isabella Swan – exquisite goddess, with all of my heart. I love who you were, I love who you are, and I have no doubt I will love whoever you grow to be."f

She watched me balefully for a few minutes and then spoke so quietly I almost didn't hear, "Thank-you."

She leaned forward and kissed my cheek gently and then pressed her head against my chest. She breathed deeply and I closed my arms tighter around her. It hadn't gone unnoticed that she hadn't told me she loved me back. I was torn as I realised; part of me recognised it was still too early for her and understood, but part of me – my ego – was bruised and damaged, and after the day I'd had I really needed something solid in my life to cling to. I wanted that something to be Bella and I.

"When will we tell Phoebe?" I asked.

Bella was quiet for a while and I wondered if she hadn't heard or maybe she was ignoring me. I was just about to ask again when she answered with a sigh.

"Sunday?" she answered, but it almost sounded like a question.

"Sunday's good." I answered. I could see Sunday working. I wanted a family day on Sunday anyway – I would give Phoebe the day of her life and then Bella and I would tell her that I was her father. My breath caught in my throat just thinking about it. Terror gripped me – what if she rejected me, or didn't like me or hated me for leaving Bella. Logically I knew she was too young to feel those things now, but what about in years to come. Could I ever make it up to her? I wanted to try, but I wasn't sure if I would be able to succeed.

I was lost in my own thoughts and fears for so long Bella had fallen asleep and was snoring softly against me. I gently shifted her so she was facing away from me again and wrapped my arms around her, pressing my face into her hair and drawing comfort from our proximity. I laid like that for an hour planning out the various ways we could tell Phoebe before I finally succumbed to sleep myself.

*****

My fingertips brushed against something soft and delicate. I stroked back and forth a few times, trying to work out exactly what they were rubbing against. A soft moan sounded out nearby. I opened my eyes and found that my hands were currently residing inside Bella's pyjamas and my fingers were playing along the underside of her breasts. I worried for a second what Bella must think, the moan had sounded like it was issued in pleasure but I couldn't be certain. I raised my head up to look at Bella's face but realised quickly she was fast asleep still, her lips parted but drawn into a small smile. I drew my hands out slowly, reluctantly, and pushed myself up to a sitting position. I swung my legs out and sat on the edge of the bed. I rested my elbows on my knees and my head on my hands, trying to process all the events of the last twenty-four hours. I knew I needed to go home eventually but I didn't know what I would say to Mum. What could I say? I was disappointed in her, in Dad, in everyone who had known and not done a damn thing about it – but wasn't that a bit fucking hypocritical considering my own actions. But nothing I had done intentionally was as bad as what _he_ had done.

I wanted to wake Bella up and quiz her on why Mum didn't have Phoebe on weekends if it wasn't because she knew about Dad and Jess. I believed her when she told me she didn't know; the look on her face and her reactions were enough to convince me. But that still meant there were too many secrets and lies bullshit going on. I wanted to get everything out in the open. I wanted to know about everything I had done to hurt Bella during my darkest times, but I also wanted to know about the other secrets people where still hiding from me. I dragged my hand through my hair and stood. I had nothing to get changed into but decided my shirt/boxer combo was modest enough not to scare Phoebe if she surprised me when I left the room.

I crossed the room, turning back to take in the sight of Bella before leaving it. She was curled up in a ball, the smile gone – a frown replacing it. I wanted to rush back over to her and smooth the worry off her brow, but I wasn't sure how Bella would feel about me doing something so intimate if she woke up and caught me. I opened the door as quietly as I could manage and went in search of the toilet.

After I'd drained the main vein, I walked out to the kitchen. I saw something move in the living room out of the corner of my eyes but chose to ignore it as I opened the fridge, taking in the contents. I grabbed out the juice and turned around to hunt for the glasses, pushing the door shut behind me. I startled and then groaned when I ran into the hulking form of Jake. He crossed his arms and glared at me, like I was supposed to be scared of his pansy ass or some shit. Okay so maybe I was a little – I knew he could probably beat me down if he wanted to – but I wasn't going to let the fucker know it.

I did my best to ignore him as I set about hunting through the cupboards for a fucking glass. I probably could have just asked him, he had his own fucking room here after all, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

"What are you doing here?" he asked rudely.

I ignored him and poured myself a glass of juice. As I drank it down I could feel his eyes boring into my back. After I'd finished drinking I put the glass down on the bench and turned around, he was staring at me waiting for a response.

"That's Bella's business," I said.

"Bella's business is my business," he said coolly. "So what are you doing here?"

"Things are gonna start to change around here, _Jake_," I said his name like a curse. "You're not going to be number one in Bella's life anymore."

He scoffed.

"What the fuck do you find so funny?" I asked, stupidly getting in his face.

"I was never number one. I don't want to be number one."

"Whatever. Just know that things are going to change."

To my surprise he laughed. "You just don't get it do you? You really are a fucking idiot."

I wanted to ask him what the fuck he meant but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"You know the way Bella used to talk about you I honestly thought you were a decent guy who deserved to be in their lives – that was the reason I left you the birth certificate."

"You know nothing about me," I hissed icily.

"I know that you are inflicting all your issues on Bella."

"That's what you do when you are a couple – you share your issues."

"Maybe, but you're not a couple."

"We're fucking trying to be – if only every other fucker wouldn't stick their noses in and keep fucking trying to ruin things for us."

He laughed. "The funny thing is you do a good enough job of that yourself."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Turning up here drunk like that - honestly, man." He shook his head at me.

"Just keep your fucking nose out of Bella and I. She knows the fucking truth about yesterday and really that's all that fucking matters. I'm not going to justify myself to you. I really don't fucking need to."

"Will you two please just stop already!" Bella said from the hallway. I could hear the tears in her voice. I shot Jake a look intended to kill. He fucking couldn't leave well enough a-fucking-lone could he. Now Bella was pissed at me again and after we'd ended things on almost amicable terms before falling asleep last night. And now we were back to fucking square one again.

I turned to comfort Bella but somehow that fucker got there first and walked her back to her room. I could have sworn I growled at his back. I leaned against the counter and tried to steady my breathing. Jake was going to be a fucking problem. Bella's family were going to be a fucking problem. No one seemed willing to give me a fucking second chance. I mean I understood – I fucked up big time where Bella was concerned. But I was trying to fix it and that meant nothing to them. I was still the big fucking asshole in their eyes. I couldn't stay here any longer. There was no fucking point when Bella was already upset with me – all I would do was fuck things up more. I hunted quickly for the essentials – wallet, car keys, phone and pants. I found a scrap of paper and wrote Bella a note.

_I meant what I said last night. _

_Call me. _

_- E_

I pinned it underneath a magnet shaped like the letter P in a prominent position on the fridge. I washed the glass quickly and left it to dry beside the sink.

I unlocked the front screen door using the key that was already in the door and crept out of the house as quietly as I could, flicking the lock on the entry door behind me. I climbed into my car and felt a surge of regret. Why did that fucker have to rile me up so fucking much? This morning could have been a fucking magnificent morning based on how Bella and I had been the previous night.

I slammed my car door shut in frustration. Frustration at myself, at the world, at Jake, at everyone and everything. I turned the key in the ignition and gunned my way down the street. By the time I reached the end of the road I realised I had nowhere to go. I had no one I could go to. I could go home but I still didn't want to face Mum. I had nowhere else I could go. I drove down a street until I ended up outside our old school. I parked the car and climbed out. I knew only one place I could go to get any piece of mind, Our meadow.

I walked the short distance as quickly as I could. My phone started to ring just as I sat down in the centre of the space. I pulled it out anxiously, hoping it would be Bella. I hoped she had kicked that fucker out and we could talk properly. My face fell as I read the number on the screen. It was only Dr Laurent.

"Good morning, Edward," he said after I answered the phone. "Are you feeling better than yesterday?"

The events of the previous twenty-four hours crashed down on top of me and my voice croaked out as I responded, "No, not really."

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"Yes. I think I'm ready now."

I took a deep breath as I readied myself to tell him the Edward and Bella story.

**A/N - Gah! I can hear the sound of flouncing already. E is learning, slowly, but he's learning - unfortunately he has a lot more to learn. This was just a step-back in the 2 steps forward, 1 step back dance he's been doing. And as I've said before regardless of what happens in the meantime, there will be a HEA in the end & I am sure everyone will be sastified with it. Just trust me...please. :)**

**Chasing Victory is also going up onto TWCS just so you know... in case anything ever happens. TP & SL are also going up. It is happening, just slowly :)**


	27. It's Semantics

**Chapter 27: It's semantics**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely beta (FE71SH) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

*****

"Why don't you tell me about it?" Dr Laurent's smooth tones requested.

I suddenly found myself recalling sessions in his office; his voice hypnotic, soothing. It occurred to me that we never talked about anything real. We talked about bullshit like what happened in races, about clubs, about life in Sydney. But there was no life in Sydney. I wasn't living there – but I wasn't hurting this much there either.

"Doc," I said. "This story, it's real fucked-up. I... I don't know where to begin."

"The beginning is usually the best place. You were telling me about how you met Bella yesterday. Why don't you tell me about how you fell in love?"

I could sense he was trying to ease me into the harder stuff. I decided to try and let him, otherwise I was never going to be able to get it out – I couldn't just come out and tell him, the lump in my throat was much too large. "I guess a part of me always knew I loved her, even if I couldn't admit it to myself. But when I was fourteen it just kind of happened for us one day. The school year was coming to a close and we'd finished a big test, so we ditched and went to our meadow."

I paused, looking around me. It can't have been more than a metre from where I was sitting now that it happened. That first kiss. My lips burned at the memory, scorched forever by Bella.

"I don't know who started it, I think it may have been me – but we had one of those movie moments, you know the one. You pause and stare at each other's lips for a second that feels like forever, then slowly one of you start to move forward, before pausing once more to assess the situation, then..."

I stopped, the memory was playing through my head. Her lips were so warm against mine. I know she thought I'd had lots of experience, but she was the first girl I'd ever kissed like that. Despite the lack of knowledge on both our parts, we just fit. It was perfect.

Dr Laurent chuckled a little, pulling me from my thoughts. "What happened then?"

"Well, that was it, from then until I left Brisbane – Bella was the only one for me."

"So would you say you had the perfect relationship?" he asked, his voice reserved.

"Hell no." I laughed a little. "We fought like wild cats. We probably broke up at least once every few months, but we always found our way back to each other – and there was never anyone else."

"So why did it end?"

"A lot of reasons, I guess. I had the contract for Cullen Racing, she wanted me to go to Uni. Neither of us was willing to compromise."

"So that was all? Just a disagreement over where life was headed?"

"Well, that and her brother beat the shit out of me."

"Why?"

I sighed. "Because he thought I raped her."

"Why did he think that? Is that what Bella told him?"

"Fuck no. Emmett's..." – I tried to think of the right word to describe him – "very protective, of Bella. He jumps to conclusions way too easily. We fought in the hotel room and Bella stormed out in her night clothes with a ripped dress. And by the time she got home she was crying too."

"And so he confronted you about it?"

"No, he beat the shit out of me. He didn't even let me say anything. It was what ended up making my mind up about moving to Sydney. I only saw Bella once more after that – until recently."

"So you believe Emmett is the reason you moved to Sydney?"

"He was a big part of the reason."

"And if he wasn't there, waiting on your doorstep, what would you and Bella have done about your departure?"

I couldn't answer. I knew the answer, but I couldn't say it out loud.

"Do you think you would have left anyway?"

"Yes," my voice was small and weak in my own ears and yet I knew it was the absolute truth. "But I would have tried harder to make things work with Bella."

"Would you? You always seemed quite certain that you liked the life you had here, the... freedoms, it afforded you."

"I don't know, Doc. I was young and fucking stupid and was terrified of the power she had over me. Whenever I was in her presence I just wanted to lock us both away in our own secret bubble and never have to face the world again. That frightened the hell out of me."

"It sounds like you two were pretty intense."

I chuckled. "That's one word for it."

"So what happened next? Did Bella just let you go?"

All traces of the good mood I was almost in fell away as I remembered what happened next. "I ignored her phone calls for almost a year before she finally stopped calling."

"Is that what you meant yesterday, when you said you abandoned her?"

I closed my eyes to hold back the tears and nodded, stupidly forgetting I was on the phone and he couldn't see me.

"Abandoned is a very strong word, Edward. Why do you think you chose that word specifically?"

"Doc, the..." A sob ripped through my chest. I took a deep breath and continued. "The things she had to go through by herself."

"Like what?"

"She lost a child..." _my son_, I finished in my head.

"That's a terrible thing for anyone to have to go through, especially if you had been there for her in the past. But it doesn't explain the use of the word abandoned, or is there something more?"

I sobbed again. My chest burned with a lack of oxygen, my eyes stung with tears that refused to fall. "She lost _our_ child." I launched straight into the story Bella had told me, not trusting myself to pause for breath or I might stop talking and collapse in a heap. When I finished there was silence on the other end of the line.

"Edward, I would like for you to come in and see me as soon as you are able. In person."

"Sure, Doc." I was certain Bella would make me stick to the sessions for a while anyway and to be honest I felt just a tiny bit lighter after telling him the story – it would never be forgotten and I didn't know if the pain would ever go away but it had helped in some miniscule way.

"Where are things at between you and Bella at the moment?"

"Fuck, Doc, I don't know. Things were fucking great last night but this morning... that fucker got in the way."

"Who?"

"_Jake,_" I said his name like a curse. "He can't fucking keep his opinions to himself – even when he knows nothing about what's going on!" I ranted. I stood and began to pace a tight circle around the meadow – just thinking about this morning, about Jake in general, was making my blood boil. I was clenching and releasing my free hand in an attempt to alleviate some of the tension.

"And who is Jake?"

"He pretends to be Bella's friend. I don't fucking know what his deal is. Apparently he was there for her when..." I growled loudly before walking over and punching a tree just for being in my line of sight.

"When you couldn't be?"

"Yeah." I choked on my frustration.

"I take it he means a lot to Bella?"

"I guess so."

"Why do you feel so antagonistic towards him?"

"Because he's a wanker," I snapped.

"You don't think part of the problem is jealousy?"

"Fuck, Doc, he's living my fucking life. He's living in her goddamn house for Christ sake! According to the world at large he's Phoebe's father. She's _my_ fucking daughter. I don't want him in her life."

"I think we need to discuss this at a later stage," he said, trying to calm me. "Why don't you tell me what happened this morning?"

"I was there, at Bella's," I seethed. I wasn't able to remove an ounce of venom from my voice – just thinking about this morning made my body shake with anger. "And that fucker started having a go at me over shit that he knew nothing about – then when Bella came out and was upset, he fucking comforted her. He fucking wrapped his arms around her and took her away."

"Did you talk to Bella about it afterwards? Explain why it made you upset?"

I paused. "I haven't spoken to her since."

"Why not?" he asked sounding genuinely surprised. "Surely you talked to her before you left?"

I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to clear the doubts and fear that were creeping up. "No, I... couldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because he was with her."

"You didn't stay to talk to her?"

"No – how could I? How the fuck could I wait there knowing that his arms were fucking wrapped around her and she was taking comfort from him."

"Edward, that would have been the sensible thing to do."

"What the fuck, Doc? I thought you were supposed to be helping – not fucking telling me how to live my fucking life."

"All I am saying, Edward, is to try to put yourself in Bella's shoes. Do you think she would have wanted you to stay to talk about things?"

I thought about what he was saying, and what Bella herself had said about not trusting me. "Fuck, probably. Sorry."

"It's not me you need to apologise to. As you pointed out, I'm just here to help you. Unfortunately though I do have to get to my next appointment."

"Will we talk again on Monday?"

"Would you like to talk to me again on Monday?"

I barely gave it a thought before I answered. "Yes."

"Then I'll call you on Monday. But I would really like to schedule an in-person meeting as soon as you get back to Sydney."

"I'll let you know my plans when I know them."

"No problems, Edward. We'll speak on Monday."

I had barely hung up the phone when it rang again in my hand. I answered it without looking at the screen.

"What are you doing tonight?" An overly excited voice exclaimed in my ear before I even had a chance to say hello.

"Hello to you too, Alice." I chuckled. It was hard not to be infected by her personality.

"Oh, hello, but what are you doing tonight?"

"I don't know, Alice. I don't really have any plans." Other than grovelling at Bella's feet until she forgives me for being a fuckwit this morning.

"Ha! Wrong. You are picking me up from the airport, that's what you are doing."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. Fucking great. Just what I needed – as if things weren't fucking hard enough at the moment. "What are you talking about Alice?"

"I'm getting on a flight to Brisbane at around five, and I need you to pick me up just after five-thirty."

"Why are you flying to Brisbane?" I tried not to sound too blunt – although it didn't really work. I thought I knew the reason and didn't want it to be true.

"Duh, to see you silly. It's been too long."

I sighed. "It's been three weeks. I saw you at Bathurst remember." I didn't want to remember, just thinking of Bathurst and the shithole my career was in at the moment was making me more depressed.

"Yeah, but I don't just mean physically _see_ you. I mean you take me out and we have a good time. I think you need it."

I knew there was no point arguing, as much as I wanted to. Knowing Alice she had already booked and paid for every event and drink she had on her agenda. "What time?"

"Just be there at five-thirty. I'll be through security and out as quickly as possible. I'll be flying in on Virgin."

"Sure thing, Al," I said, resigned. "Have you got accommodation."

"Of course! I'm staying at the Hilton."

Of course she's staying at the fucking Hilton. "How long?"

"Just the night. I've got to get back for the preparations for the Bahrain race."

Fuck, I'd forgotten about the Bahrain race. I'd travelled with Carlisle and Jasper just over a month or so ago to scope out the track and the conditions. I had been fucking looking forward to that race. Suddenly, my entire body longed to be back behind the wheel. It was what I knew, it was what I wanted. I could almost see the track when I closed my eyes. I couldn't wait for next year when Bella was in Sydney and I was able to get back to the track properly.

"Okay. I'll be there," I said. Like I had a fucking choice, but I had to admit I was excited about this tiny link to part of my former life. Like the two parts of me were drawing slowly together.

Alice's announcement had pretty much made up my mind for me to go back to Mum's house. I had to – Alice would have a pink fit if she saw the clothes I was in right now. Between the sleep crushed shirt and bourbon-soaked pants, I was a fucking mess. I sighed and picked myself off the ground. I glanced around the meadow once more, taking comfort in its familiarity and readied myself to confront the Mother who had been lying to me since I arrived back in Brisbane – and who the hell knows how long before then.

*****

I stood staring at the front door for a long time. Minutes passed while I stood undecided. Did I use my key and just go in or knock and wait to be invited in? How did I confront her – just shout and scream until she told me everything, or try to pretend I knew nothing like she did?

I had no idea what to do so I just fucking did what I always did. I just fucking did it – no thoughts, no consideration. I took a deep breath and tried the door handle. I walked through the door to find Mum sitting at the dining table looking frazzled. As soon as she saw me she threw herself across the room at me. She wrapped me in her arms for a brief second.

"Oh, thank heavens! Edward I've been so worried about you. Your father told me about yesterday, and then Bella told me you were there. But then you just disappeared. Everyone has just been frantic worrying about you."

"I just needed time to think."

She let me go and walked back to her seat at the table. She looked at me expectantly, like she was waiting for... something – but I had no idea what.

"Edward," she began. I held up my hand to stop her.

I asked her the only question I wanted the answer to. "Why are you still here, Mum?"

She looked at me blankly. I wasn't sure whether it was because of the bluntness of my question or because she genuinely didn't understand what I was asking.

"I'm assuming that little whore isn't that bastard's first," I said.

Mum shook her head slightly, confirming my suspicions.

"Then why are you still with him? I don't get it Mum. Don't you have more respect for yourself. I mean fuck!"

"It's not that easy," she whispered.

"Fucking hell – it is exactly that easy. He's a fucking prick and you shouldn't have to put up with it."

"Edward – he's still your father. Please, just calm down."

"Not until you tell me why you are still here – fucking supporting him. Even now you can't find one bad word to say about him can you?"

"Of course I can, Edward," she snapped at me. "There probably isn't a bad word in the entire world that I haven't thought about him at one time or another. But you idolised him – how could I ever shatter your world like that." The sadness in her eyes echoed the truth in her words.

"You stayed because of me?"

"Of course, Edward. You are my son. You are the most important thing in the world to me. Even now when you are grown and living your own life – you are still my little boy. There was no way I could be selfish and break up our family."

"But after I left – why not leave then? Why stay?"

"Where else could I go?"

"You could have lived with me for a while. I would have helped get you back on your feet."

She shook her head sadly. "I don't think you would have. I think that's how you feel now – but that's because of Bella's influence. She's good for you."

I smiled a little, but it fell immediately. Bella was good for me and I just kept fucking it up. I decided that it was the time to get everything on the table, while Mum was talking anyway, and find out what the deal was with Bella and Phoebe and the weekends. "Why don't you look after Phoebe on the weekends?"

"There are just lots of little things."

"Like?" I put my hands on my hips and quirked my eyebrow.

Mum sighed; she could probably tell that I wasn't willing to drop the subject. "Do you know you were born seven and a half months after your father and I were married," she said. At first I thought she was trying to change the subject.

"So?"

It was her turn to raise her eyebrow at me.

Slowly realisation dawned on me. "Are you saying that you and Dad got married... because of me."

She nodded.

"I was an accident?"

"No, well, yes, technically. I mean, you weren't expected or planned, but I would never call you an accident."

"Semantics." I shrugged still floored. I was fucking shocked to discover this but I was also surprised I had never considered it before.

"No, it's not semantics – you may not have been planned but you were loved from the minute I found out I was pregnant. I was overjoyed."

I didn't miss what she'd said – and also what she'd left unsaid. "_You_ were overjoyed... and Dad felt trapped?" I guessed.

She whispered her response. "Not at first."

"But he did?"

Mum's eyes turned glassy, picturing what I didn't know, but her voice was almost robotic when she spoke. "We were married at eighteen. It didn't take long for him to feel resentful that he was stuck at home while his friends were able to go out and live it up. He started to feel resentful."

"Towards me?" I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. As much as I hated him at the moment I recognised he was still my father – and hearing that he resented my being born stung.

She shook her head fiercely and reached out to stroke my cheek gently. "No, it was never towards you. He loved you with every fibre of his being - he still does."

"That's why he said all that crap the other morning." I had meant it as a question – but knew it so absolutely that it came out as a statement.

She nodded but looked away.

I felt my blood turn to ice. Had he said similar things to Bella? Was that why she was uncomfortable?

"What else?" I asked, my voice small and weak.

Mum's eyes fell back on me for a second before dropping to the floor.

"What else happened?" I asked, louder. "Did he fucking say something to Bella – after everything she went through?"

"No, he's never said anything like that to Bella."

"What did he do then?"

"Nothing." Mum whispered, before picking up a rag that was sitting nearby and cleaning the table, wiping it in small, tight, anxious circles.

"What did he do?" I asked. My entire body was on alert. I was ready to turn around and hunt the fucker down. I had no idea where he was going for his 'business trip' but I had a sudden desire to know and to go there.

Mum pressed harder as she cleaned the table. I walked over and thumped my fist against it, the noise resonating through-out the house and causing her to give a little gasp.

"Tell me," I commanded.

All I got was silence. I wasn't sure if Mum was trying to protect Dad or not betray Bella. I took a deep breath. I had to try to remember the calmer I was the more likely it was she would tell me.

"Please," I asked.

"It was just little things – lots of little things - that made Bella feel uncomfortable."

"Like?"

"You have to understand. I already felt like I'd lost you – I couldn't lose Bella or the twins too."

"What did he do?"

"I didn't want her to be driven away. So it was just easier for her not to be here when he was. Bella seemed okay with that solution too."

"What. Did. He. Do." I was trying very hard to hold control of my anger.

"I told you, just little things. There wasn't anything specific."

I pulled at my hair and decided to pull out the big guns. "Mum, please, I need to know – I'm trying to gain Bella's trust and I think if I know everything she's been through it will be easier."

She eyed me sceptically. "You'll overreact, Edward."

My heart refused to pump the ice-cold slush that was now in my veins. I could almost feel it moving painfully slowly through my body. I tried to keep the coldness out of my voice as I responded. "No, I promise. I won't."

"It's really nothing."

"Fucking hell, Mum!" I snapped, slamming my fist onto the table again. "Just fucking tell me."

"He used to compliment her," Mum whispered almost silently. I had to strain to hear the second part. "Especially once the pregnancy hormones kicked in."

That didn't sound too bad but I tried to think of what pregnancy hormones did. I knew so fucking little about that shit that nothing came to me.

"And he accidentally walked in on her in the shower one day."

"What?" I asked, enraged but curious to know more. It made absolutely no sense. "Why would she shower here?"

"It was when she was about six months pregnant. She'd had really bad morning sickness throughout those first few early months. She was finally getting past it – or so she thought. She ate something that didn't agree with her." Mum didn't continue – but she didn't need to, I could imagine the result. I felt guilty for not being there with Bella during those hard months. "I loaned her some of your old clothes and offered her the shower."

I clenched my fists at my side. "Then what happened?"

"Edward, do you really want to know? I don't think the specifics are important."

"Like fuck they aren't." I needed to know whether I just needed to hurt Dad – or whether I needed to fucking kill him.

"He was in the bathroom when she got out of the shower – but he said he'd only just walked in. And Bella wasn't sure that she'd locked the door," she said. Then added in a guilty rush, "I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding."

"Misunderstanding my ass," I whispered murderously.

"But after that Bella never felt comfortable here with him around. I never questioned her – not if it meant I still got to see her and Phoebe."

The only sound I could hear was the grinding of my teeth. The prick was getting around with that dirty slut in the city who was younger than me - who knows what other fuckery he got up to. I turned and walked away from Mum before I lost my temper even more. I stopped when I got to the hallway. I didn't turn around to look at Mum when I spoke. "You _will_ be leaving him now. I will make sure of it." I sighed then finally relented and turned towards her. "You deserve better than him."

I headed down to my room as fast as I could. Once in there I turned and closed the door. I punched the wall beside it, satisfied when I heard the crunch of plasterboard beneath my fist. I turned back to the room and grabbed the doona off the bed, ripping it off and throwing it to one side. I yanked the drawers out of the bureau and hurled them across the room, sending clothes flying. Then I pushed the bureau over before kicking it. I took out on my room the punishment I felt my father deserved. By the time I was finished my own clothes were strewn across the room, splinters of wood from the bureau covered the floor and bed. I hastily grabbed some clothes for tomorrow and Sunday and threw them into an old bag in the back of my closet. I grabbed a change of clothes for now and headed into the traitorous bathroom. I felt sick as I entered into the room wondering what the hell Bella had been through in here.

I showered and dressed as quickly as I could before grabbing the bag I had packed and leaving. I wouldn't come back here until it was absolutely necessary. As I walked down the hallway I passed a framed photo of us as a family – it was taken in my senior year, about three months before I went to Sydney. The three of us were all fucking smiles and happy family. It was a fucking lie. I pulled it down and hurled it at the wall on the other side. The glass sliced into the photo, scraping a line down my fuckwad father's face. I couldn't help but feel vindicated somewhat as I walked straight to my car.

**A/N - Ooooh so a visit from Alice? Interesting. Have theories about what might happen next or opinions on what's happened so far? Why not come discuss it in "Victory Lane" aka Chasing Victory's twilighted thread started by the lovely CorrinaTFF http://www (dot) twilighted (dot) net/forum/viewtopic (dot) php?f=44&t=9346 **

**If you follow me on twitter (at)mpg82 you may already know - but hubs has started his hand at "man"fiction. If you want to check out his stories - he is 43SOM-XB he is in my fav authors list. **

**Also - Chasing Victory & Teacher's Pet are going up on Twilighted & TWCS... just in case. **

**Hope everyone has a stellar weekend :) **

**And as always there will be a BPOV scene for those who review. Oh which reminds me I will be posting the BPOV scenes as a seperate (not stand-alone) story 20 chaps behind. So I will put chap 7's up later today. **


	28. A change

**Chapter 28: A change**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely beta (FE71SH) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

*****

Jasper and I were neck and neck as we came around the turn. I had the line and was edging in front. He was trying to get me.

"Not on your life," I whispered into my helmet. I drove the car fast and deep into the corner. Nothing could kill my excitement right now. At the last possible second I dived onto the breaks and pulled it up hard, whipping it around the hard left and edging Jasper out. "Gotcha!"

I smiled broadly as I accelerated hard, leaving Jasper behind me. Our cars were almost perfectly matched, if anything his was slightly faster being the team's lead car, but this time – I had him on skill.

"Edward, watch the stunts," Alice laughed in my ear. "You want to make sure you bring that car back in one piece or Carlisle might rethink his decision to let you loose on the big guns."

I laughed in response. She knew exactly how well I could handle this car – it was practically an extension of my body. Alice and I had spent hours together since I took over the vacancy left by the previous driver and had forged a tight friendship. She taught me a few more things about race strategy, some of which I had never, and probably would never have, considered. She'd taken me under her wing, guiding me to improve. It fucking worked too. My first race of my first full season in a V8 and I started in fourth. Overtaking Jasper around the last corner put me in first fucking place.

Nothing could stop me.

There were just two laps to go and each lap increased my lead as I pushed hard around the corners. I knew this was where I had to gain ground because Jasper could, and if given the chance - would, outpace me on the straights.

When I pulled up in victory lane Alice was one of the first to come out and greet me, throwing herself into my arms and screaming in excitement. She was like a fucking puppy sometimes, but I had to admit it was a boost to my already exuberant mood. Especially when she ran to me before Jasper, but that was Alice all over, her team and work were always number one. Whatever happened in her private life stayed just that – private. Only after she'd properly congratulated me - the driver who came in first - did she rush over to Jasper. Even then she was utterly professional around him – well, as professional as Alice ever was while celebrating. She still leapt onto him like she had with me; she still squealed with jubilation that Cullen racing had managed to finish one and two. But I knew for a fact they would celebrate in private later – and there would probably still be leaping and squealing but it wouldn't be nearly so PG rated.

The three of us went out that night and celebrated. Alice gave me a sad, wistful look as I left the club with my latest conquest. And on seeing that look I knew that I was undoubtedly up for another "you need to find a good girl and settle down" lecture when I arrived at work. I grabbed the ass of the chick I was with and somehow couldn't give a fuck how much she lectured me. I wasn't going to settle down for anyone – there was no-one who I was even remotely interested in that way. I closed my eyes as a flash of brown eyes and brown hair came into my head. I repeated my mantra to myself. There was _no-one_ I was remotely interested in that way.

*****

I sat thinking about my past and how much Alice hated what I did. I had no doubt Mum had filled her in on everything that had happened since arriving here and about Bella. I had absolutely no fucking clue why she was flying up, but I didn't doubt I would get the third degree about Bella when she arrived. Which left one question – did I subject Bella to that? Alice could be very full on, and I could only imagine she was already picturing herself as Bella's best friend. I think it would be so much easier to introduce Bella and Alice on Bella's terms – not on a Friday afternoon before our fucking big date. I began to get annoyed that Alice picked tonight of all nights to come. She would have known what was happening tomorrow. There wasn't much that happened at Cullen Racing without her knowledge – if I hadn't known better I would have thought she was Carlisle's fucking daughter or something, but I knew Carlisle's wife, Esme, was unable to have children of her own.

That made up my mind in the end. I would go meet Alice tonight, but I wouldn't introduce Bella – at least, not just yet. Maybe I could convince Alice to come back again before Christmas, after Phoebe knew the truth and things were a little more... settled. I glanced at the clock on my dashboard. It had been an hour since I left Mum's house, about two since I left Bella's, and Bella still hadn't called. I wondered what that meant. Should I call her or did she not want me to? Was that why she hadn't called? Or was that fucker Jake still there? Had he convinced her not to call me? Had he convinced her not to see me anymore? My heart thumped painfully at the thought. I pulled out my phone before I had a chance to think it over any more.

"Hello?" Bella said, her voice was high-pitched, her breathing ragged.

"Hi," I replied timidly. I didn't know what to expect.

"Edward," she breathed. "Are you alright?"

"I am now." It was amazing how much calmer I felt just listening to her voice.

"What the hell was that this morning?"

"I'm sorry, Bella. I just... I saw you in his arms and I just... I just couldn't cope." I hung my head as I acknowledged that.

"Gah, you have to stop this being jealous of Jacob bullshit. Don't you see I have no interest in him outside of friendship and I've already explained that he has _zero_ interest in me in that way."

"It's not a matter of me being worried that he's going to fuck you."

"Nice." Her voice was full of venom and raised in anger.

"Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just – well he's living the life I should have been fucking living. It should be me there to comfort you when you are upset. It should be my name on the fucking birth certificates."

She was silent. I knew why – there was only one thing she could say and it was sure to inflame the conversation even more. That it was my fault I wasn't living that life.

"Look, can we just fucking start over? Hello, Bella. How are you, I'm okay for now, but I really want to see you."

She giggled a little. "I can't today, Edward. I have to work."

"Work?"

"Yeah, it's what those of us who don't have multi-million dollar contracts do to afford mortgages, food and clothing."

"Smart ass," I said. "I just meant you haven't mentioned it before."

"It's a part-time job in the local shop – hardly worth discussing."

I got a picture of Bella in a cute little outfit behind the check-out of the corner store we used to go to. I smiled at the image. "So check-out chick to world-class lawyer."

"Actually, we prefer the term product-currency transfer supervisors," she joked.

"That's a mouthful." I laughed.

"Better to be a mouthful than a handful."

I almost choked on the laughter as I processed what she'd said. I heard her laughter on the other end of the line.

"I really am sorry I left like I did this morning," I said, knowing it would drag the mood down – but feeling that it absolutely had to be said.

"Why don't you come around tonight?" she asked. "I finish work at seven thirty."

"I can't, I have a team-mate flying in from Sydney to meet up with me before they start preparations for Bahrain."

"Oh," she said, and I could hear the disappointment in her voice.

"But I'll be there first thing in the morning to pick you up."

"Is your Mum still right to look after Phoebe?"

"Umm, I'll have to check..."

Bella cut me off. "Edward, what did you do?"

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly in response to her question. I was sick of the fact that everyone always assumed the worst of me – okay in this instance it may have been something I had done - but the assumption pissed me off. "I'll check with her, but I will be there tomorrow morning to pick you up regardless."

"Okay, Edward, I'll trust you to arrange it."

"I'll be there early – get a good night's sleep 'cause it will be a long day."

"And you won't tell me where we are going?"

"Of course not."

"Fine – be like that." I could hear the pout in her voice.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Bella."

"Sure, sure, Edward." I wondered where she got that saying from – I'd never heard it before.

"And Bella?"

"What?"

"I love you."

"I'll see you tomorrow." She hung up the phone.

It was the second time I had confessed my feelings with her knowing I wasn't drunk, and it was the second time she hadn't said anything back. I dwelled on the implications for a few minutes before decided I would simply have to show her a fucking fantastic time tomorrow so she wouldn't be able to resist telling me. Because I was sure she did love me, at least on some level, even if she couldn't admit it.

But for now I needed to go and do some more fucking apologising.

*****

I pulled up in front of Mum's house – I refused to think of the idiot that was my father at all anymore – and took a deep breath. I knew I had trashed the room, leaving more than a few dents and holes in the walls. But it was time to pull on my big boy pants and get my fucking ass in the house and apologise.

I knocked softly on the door. When there was no answer I walked inside the house. I looked around for Mum but I couldn't see her anywhere. I passed the portrait in the hall; it was still exactly as I had left it. I carefully picked up the fragments of glass and carried them to the bin. Then I moved the picture so that it was leaning up against the hallway, turning it so that our faces, frozen in perfect smiles, were staring at the wall. I listened out for any noise to indicate that Mum was here. I heard nothing at first but slowly I noticed a soft, rhythmic sobbing sound echoing down the hall from under Mum's bedroom door. I knocked softly on the door. "Mum?"

I heard a clatter and a few bangs before Mum opened the door. Her green eyes conveyed a deep sadness I'd never seen before. She blinked a few times at me before her face fell into a smile. It was almost believable, but the sorrow in her eyes gave her away.

"I'm sorry, Mum," I said, hanging my head. I was ready for her to yell and scream at me for destroying her house.

She sighed and ruffled her hand through my hair before using it to lift my chin to meet her eyes. "You have nothing to apologise for. You have been under so much stress lately. I'm surprised it took you this long to snap."

"I'm not just apologising for this," – I lifted my hand and pointed to my room's closed door – "I'm saying I am fucking sorry for everything that I did before I left, for everything that happened when I was in Sydney. I abandoned you, and I abandoned Bella, and I'm fucking sorry."

"I think we all made mistakes in the past. Let's just move past it, shall we." She smiled a little wider but it still wasn't believable. But I could sense that she wanted to drop the conversation.

"Fine, if that's what you want."

She nodded.

"Well, I have to go out tonight, Alice is flying to Brisbane and wants me to show her around."

"Alice is coming?"

"Yeah. She's not staying though, she's just here for the night – but you knew this didn't you?" I still figured Mum and Alice were orchestrating something.

Mum shook her head. "No, I mean, I rang her this morning when no-one knew where you were and your phone was engaged. I just wanted to know if she'd heard from you."

"Well, obviously she's decided I need to talk, or something – I'm not sure. But she's only getting in sometime between five-thirty and six so I don't know how late I'll be. To be honest, I'll probably just crash with Alice at the hotel."

"Okay."

"Are you still alright to look after Phoebe tomorrow though?"

She smiled widely, and for the first time I believed it. A genuine smile was on her features and the difference was remarkable. "Definitely, I am looking forward to it - although I might have to clean up a little first."

"Let me do it," I offered.

She laughed. "You? Clean?"

I grinned in response. "Well, let me pay for someone to clean it."

She shook her hand at me. "Don't worry about it. It'll give me something to do while I rattle about the house on my own."

I kissed her forehead. "You are too good to me."

She shooed me out of her room.

"Oh – and that package from Carlisle? I'll need that in the morning." I chuckled to myself, I knew Mum would have seen the contents by now.

"Edward, you're not taking Bella..."

I cut her off. "Yep."

"Well, that should be interesting."

"I know." I grinned as I headed back out the door.

*****

I had been to three 'local' shops and I hadn't been able to find Bella. I looked at the clock – I had time for one more and then I really needed to get a move on to go pick up Alice at the airport. It was in the fourth one that I had some success. I saw her behind the counter, smiling and chatting animatedly with the customers she was serving. I stood outside the glass door and watched her for a while. It was nice to see her that way – happy and seemingly carefree. But every now and then, between customers, she would glance at her hands with a look of worry on her face. I wondered if it was me causing that worry or something else.

When I'd made my decision to find Bella I didn't have a plan in mind I just knew I needed to see her again before I went into the city for a night out. I needed to be able to take the memory of her perfect brown eyes, of the curl of her lips and the electricity of her touch with me.

I entered the shop and grabbed a can of coke from the fridge – a purchase gave me a reason to speak to Bella for a few minutes. Unfortunately, Bella seemed to be serving a little old lady who did her entire weeks shopping at this shithole little store and was taking forever. I had to let a handful of people go before me to the other cashier. Finally the biddy in front of me finished and I practically ran to place my item in front of Bella.

"What're you doing here?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I had to see you – I couldn't imagine waiting until tomorrow morning."

"I'm at work. I can't exactly stop and talk to you." She smiled.

"I know." I brushed a loose strand of hair off her face, tucking it back up into her pony-tail. "But I just had to see you."

She blushed bright red. "That'll be a dollar-eighty," she said quietly, slipping back into 'professional' clerk mode.

I handed her some coins, ensuring that my hand brushed along hers as I let go of them.

"I'll be there early tomorrow, and Mum is still okay to look after Phoebe. Okay."

"Sure thing, Edward. I'll see you then."

"Bye, Bella."

I held onto the picture of her smile as I left the shop and drove towards the airport.

*****

I was standing in the airport, cap and sunglasses on, trying to avoid the glares and glances of the passersby as they realised who I was. I wished I could just meld into the wall and be ignored like the rest of the faceless masses. I was pulled out of my thoughts by a squealing from the baggage carousels. "Edward!"

I looked up and smiled when I saw Alice bouncing towards me. Then groaned when I saw the size of her suitcase. Honestly she was here for a night – who needs a bag _that _big. She dumped it about half way to me and ran the rest of the way, launching herself into my arms at the last second. Her legs came around my waist as she gave me her patented 'Alice's full body hug'. When you were around her as much as I was you got used to them quickly.

Two seconds later she was bounding off in the direction of the car park. I sighed as I walked over to her abandoned baggage. I shook my head as I picked it up – honestly Jasper had spoiled her, she now expected all men to bend over backwards for her like he did. I didn't even think she fucking realised what she was doing.

I caught up with her quickly. "Did you have a good flight?" I asked.

She stepped into the sun and cast her face up to the sky. "Yes, but I'm so glad to be off – I hate planes."

"You never seem to complain when we fly around for racing."

"That's different?"

"Why, cause Jazzy-wazzy's there to protect you?" I teased.

"Protect... have hot sex in the airplane toilet – whichever one you want to go with." She said it so casually and without an ounce of embarrassment. That was something about Alice – hanging around so many men she could talk trash like the best of us. Very little could embarrass her.

I curled up my nose. "Yuck, Alice – that's way too much information."

She laughed and then shrugged. "As if you didn't know anyway – I know Jaz pretty much shares everything with you. You tell him your conquests, he tells you his."

She turned on me. "Speaking of which..." she raised her eyebrow.

I knew it – she wanted the goss on Bella. "There's nothing to tell, Al. Really."

"If you say so," she said. I wasn't stupid enough to think the topic was going to be dropped.

"So where to then?" I asked.

"The Hilton first. Then I've got plans for us."

I laughed. "Why doesn't that surprise me?"

"Because we're friends, and you know me too well. Just like I know you." She cast me a meaningful look as I put her suitcase in the boot. She opened the passenger door and climbed in.

When I climbed in the driver's side I saw her casting a long glance back at the child seat in the back.

"Well, that's a change," she said, turning back to the front again as I started the car. I remained silent.

We drove for about five minute before she spoke again – I think it was the longest Alice had ever been silent in my company.

"Is it a change for the better?" she almost whispered.

I didn't look at her as I answered. "Yeah, I think it is."

**A/N - Bahahaha sorry all my twitter followers for stressing you out with that tease. I just couldn't help it. Nice to know you want to keep faith in little old RCE.**

**There will be a BPOV scene but it might not go out for a couple of days depending on when I can find time to finish it. I have a scene in mind - but would love to hear your thoughts too, which part of the chapter (or the last one considering the BPOV was a flashback) would you like to here Bella's side of? **

**I promise "Saturday" is coming very soon. It may be in the next chap, if not it will definitely be in the one after that. Just depends how verbose Alice & Edward get during their night out :)**


	29. A night out

**Chapter 29: A night out**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

*****

I pulled into the car park that just yesterday had been the scene of my panic attack. I managed to contain myself this time – putting on my poker face. I might have been friends with Alice, but we weren't close enough that I'd allow her to see me as being _that _fragile. I still had an image to protect around Cullen Racing – as it was, my reputation was about to take a hit with the Daddy card, not that I cared about that. I didn't want to be seen as a complete fucking pussy. Father and devoted partner, fine – freaking out in a random car park, not so much.

But it was too much to hope that Alice wouldn't notice the deep calming breath I took before turning onto Elizabeth Street to get to the car park.

"What's wrong?" she asked as soon as the car was stopped.

I feigned innocence "What do you mean?"

"Edward, I know you well enough to know when something is wrong. It's just you and me here now, no Jaz, no team, no family. Just two friends. What's wrong?" She placed her hand on my knee in a calming gesture.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the headrest. "I'm fine."

"No really, Edward – tell me."

"No really, Alice – I'm fine."

I pushed open the car door and climbed out, heading straight around the back to get Alice's suitcase and my bag. I heard Alice following a few steps behind as I swept straight to the elevators. I stood back as she went to the counter and checked into her room. The concierge from the other day was on again and he gave me a small, polite wave. I nodded and gave him a small smile in reply.

"So, tell me all about Bella!" Alice demanded as she led me to the elevators.

I smiled involuntarily. "She's fucking great, Alice. I mean, she's smart, and beautiful, and just fucking..." I couldn't find adequate words. "She's perfect."

Alice looked at me with unconcealed shock as she reached for the elevator call button. "Wow."

I furrowed my brow at her. "What?"

"Well, I just – I never realised how much you cared for this girl."

"What do you mean?"

"It's written over every part of your face, and in every movement you make. You've got it bad for her."

I rubbed my hand along the back of my neck. "Yeah, I think I do. I think I always have."

The elevator arrived and the doors opened. We stepped in and she leaned against the silver bar that circled the mirrored walls as her mouth began to run. "Well, good. I'm glad it worked out. It's funny, I always knew someone out there was the right girl for you. The way Lizzie spoke about your relationship with Bella sounded so out of character for the Edward Masen I knew, I wondered if maybe she was telling stories, or was mistaken in just how much you cared about each other. But a part of me wondered whether maybe you were still pining for Bella." Alice was babbling and I was tuning her out - mostly. She could talk under wet cement when she went on one of her tangents. Obviously my love life was a tangent. "I can't tell you how happy I am that you two are making a go of it. And god – your daughter – you'll have to tell me all about her too. I was so worried when you went to London, I wondered if you would ever come back. I honestly thought Carlisle's plan..." she stopped talking, which drew my attention to her last words. Her face drained of all colour as I tilted my head trying to process the last words she had said. _I honestly thought Carlisle's plan_.

"Carlisle's plan?" I asked.

"About putting you in the new car – it's great isn't it." Alice said quickly – too quickly.

"Don't even try that shortie!"

She eyed me off. "Are you okay?"

"That depends," I said, trying to remain as calm as I could. "What the fuck is Carlisle's plan?"

"I really shouldn't be telling you this."

"Alice – I thought we were friends?"

"Of course we are." She rolled her eyes.

"Then why not tell me all about this lovely plan." I tried, and failed, to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

She sighed. "Don't you think it was a huge coincidence that you ended up next to Bella on that flight? Like a mega-huge-fucking coincidence – the sort that doesn't ever really happen?"

I felt like the wind had been forcibly knocked out of me, I stepped back until I fell against the back wall of the elevator. "Are you..." I couldn't find enough breath to talk.

Alice's next words confirmed the horror that was running through my head. "Carlisle arranged it, Edward. He found out about Bella and the job offer in London. He just tweaked a few arrangements so that you ended up next to her."

"Why?"

"Are you kidding me, Edward? There isn't a person on the team who didn't pinpoint the fact that your career was fucking flying high until one race meet, near your home town, and then suddenly you couldn't even finish a race. It wasn't hard to connect the dots."

I turned and grabbed the railing for support, dropping my head between my arms. Alice's hand rubbed my lower back in comfort. "I'm sorry, Edward. If I had known about your daughter – if Carlisle had – he probably would have tried something different."

"Why?" I repeated. My brain was having trouble processing exactly what she was saying.

"Carlisle thought that maybe if you could see Bella again – be forced by proximity to speak to her – it would help you get past whatever was causing the crashes. With the amount of money you cost him in repairs last year can you really blame him for trying?"

I shook my head in disbelief. "How did he know about Bella's offer?"

She smiled sadly at me. "You haven't looked at your employment contract lately have you?"

I didn't understand what Alice was asking.

"Pembleton's is the firm which represents Cullen Racing. Carlisle was in the offices when Bella was in for her week trial in Sydney. Apparently, when Andrew Garrett spoke to Bella about Cullen Racing she admitted to knowing you. When Andrew raised it with Carlisle, telling him how small a world it was, Carlisle put two and two together."

"Why?" I asked blankly – not expecting an answer. Everything that had happened over the last two weeks, meeting Bella again, London, Phoebe, everything – was because Carlisle couldn't keep his fucking nose out of my fucking business. I felt the anger bubbling inside as images of everything that happened played over and over in my head. It suddenly burst out of me and I slammed my fist into my face in the mirror, the glass cracked with a dull thud. I pulled my hand away realising I had left traces of blood on the mirror. "Why?" I screamed, turning to face Alice. I could feel my face was contorted into a mask of hatred**,** displaying the anger I felt at the world.

She cowered away from me, terrified. I had never once seen her scared of me. Even when I was at my lowest and she'd confronted me about it she had not been scared. The terror in her eyes reflected the betrayal I felt in my heart. The last two weeks, the fucking hurt, the pain, the secrets and fucking lies. All of it was because fucking Carlisle thought he knew better than everyone else. The elevator dinged, signalling we were at our floor and Alice composed herself.

"Come on, Edward," she whispered quietly. "Let's get you cleaned up. Then we can go out and talk." She picked up her suitcase and grabbed my hand as I followed her out of the elevator.

She swiped the card to unlock the hotel room. I hadn't stayed in one of these rooms – especially not in _this_ hotel - since my night with Bella, and I was shocked that they hadn't changed. Everything was exactly the same as it had been four years ago. Even the shitty lamps on the bedside tables were the fucking same. It was all too much.I couldn't let her see me at my weakest. I pulled free of Alice's grip and headed straight for the bathroom. I slammed the door before twisting the lock. I threw up in the toilet before retreating back to the door and pressing my back into it.

As I sat, staring at nothing and seeing only Bella, one question ran in a loop around my head.

Why?

*****

A few minutes later I felt the door vibrate behind me rather than hearing the knock.

"Edward?" Alice's soft voice floated in through the door. I expected to hear revulsion or disgust in her voice, but instead there was just sadness and worry. "Can I please come in, or can you come out."

I debated internally as I stood to gather my thoughts. I splashed my face with some cold water, rinsed out my mouth and rubbed my hand along the back of my neck. I adjusted the shirt I was in as it was irritating the tattoo on my back. The permanent reminder of my children. Children I may never have known about if it wasn't for Carlisle's misguided plan. If I really thought about it, I knew he was just trying to help me in his own way – albeit as a puppeteer with a fucking shitload of tangled strings. I clicked the lock on the door and looked Alice up and down. Her whole body was frozen with anticipation. She didn't know what to expect. Neither did I.

I moved closer to her. "I think we should sit," I said.

She nodded, not daring to speak for fear of another outburst.

"Want some fresh air?" I asked, pointing to the small balcony that came off the room, and overlooked the city.

Alice nodded again and I indicated for her to go first. As soon as she hit the balcony she sat and perched herself forward on one of the chairs.

"Edward..."

I held up my hand to cut her off. "Alice, I want to tell you something. I don't know how though."

I was being as honest as I could with her. I was going to take her on as a true confidant for perhaps the first time ever. We both seemed to recognise the major shift our relationship had just undergone. Alice had gone from a teammate with whom I hung out regularly, to a true friend whom I was willing to share my darkest secrets with.

"Edward, no matter what you tell me. I'll be there for you. That's why I'm in Brisbane. I guess I figured you weren't at your best right now. I mean, between your mother's worried phone call this morning and you asking for Dr Laurent's number, I just figured..." she trailed off.

I couldn't tell her how close to the truth she was. She shifted her chair a little closer to mine and grabbed my hands in hers.

"I think of you as my baby brother – you know that right? I'm here for you, always."

I was shocked by her statement, but the depth of emotion in her eyes made me see it for the absolute truth that it was. I didn't know what words I could respond with – didn't even know how to start. I settled for something simple. "Thanks, Alice."

She ruffled my hair to lighten the mood. I growled playfully at her. She clasped my hands again. "So..." She raised her eyebrow at me and held up my cut knuckles.

I sighed. I pulled one hand from her loose grasp and began to scratch my back without thinking. "I don't even know where to fucking begin."

I pulled myself away from her completely. I stood against the railing, looking down over the busy mall below. I let loose a grunt of frustration as I bent forward. I turned around to look at Alice again. She was sitting patiently waiting for me to be ready to continue talking.

"I told you a little bit of the story already. About Phoebe."

Alice nodded and beamed. Obviously she was anxious to get on to that topic. I thought of Emmanuel and Bella and decided to dwell on Phoebe for a little while. I pulled my wallet out of my pants and pulled Phoebe's photo from it. I handed it to Alice who took it eagerly.

"Oh, Edward – she's beautiful. She has..."

"My eyes." I cut her off. "I know." I shuddered when I thought about my initial reaction to seeing the photo. To knowing instantly that she was my daughter because of those eyes. "She is beautiful, Alice. And smart as a fucking whip too."

Alice looked over the photo for another moment before handing it back. I stared at it as I continued, drawing comfort from those soft, gentle eyes staring out at me. Even in this photo it felt like she could see into my soul – but it didn't feel like I was being judged. "I didn't tell you that when I left Brisbane, Bella was pregnant with twins."

"Twins?" Alice's face lit up, but then fell on seeing my expression. I didn't know what I looked like, but I knew what I felt. I put the photo of Phoebe back in my wallet because I could swear her eyes had turned accusatory. Alice walked over to me and wrapped her hands around my waist. I dropped my forehead to her shoulder and took comfort in her presence. In her friendship. "What happened?" she asked in a quiet voice.

I told her what Bella had told me. When I finished the story I was surprised to see tears ran down her face to supplement my own.

"I had no idea," she whispered. "I am so sorry. How is Bella now? I can't even imagine..."

"Bella's..." I tried to think of the best word to use. "Strong." I hoped to God Alice knew what I meant. I didn't know how to articulate it better than that.

I pulled at the collar of my shirt again. It was really starting to irritate the fuck out of me.

"What is it, Edward?" Alice asked. "You've been playing with your shirt on and off since you picked me up. Did you buy a cheap material? Or use the wrong washing powder or something?"

I shook my head. I turned around and pulled the collar of my shirt down a little to show her the now uncovered, but quickly scabbing, artwork on my back.

"Wow," she said. "Can I get a better look at that."

A week ago, a month, I might have told her to fuck off, and that I wasn't getting half-naked in front of her. But I was proud of my children and I wanted to show her that. With my back still turned to her I undid the buttons on my shirt and pulled it off. I felt her fingers tracing along the outside of the design.

"It's just beautiful." She wrapped her arms around me and rested her head against my back. "Thank you for sharing this with me."

I nodded. Like I'd noticed with Dr Laurent, sharing with Alice had taken another tiny weight away. So small it was barely noticeable – but ultimately it was noticeable. I decided the mood had been too heavy and serious for too long. I owed it to Bella to let go of my stress for a while to show her a good time tomorrow. With Bella in mind, I twisted my body, grabbing Alice into a headlock and mussing-up her hair.

"Edward, you jack-ass!" she squealed, pounding her tiny fists ineffectually against me. "We almost had a grown-up moment then."

"I know, shortie," I said. I let her go and ran back inside the room. I still had to close my eyes to get rid of the images of Bella the morning after the school formal, but Alice was doing a good job of keeping me sane at the moment. "So – what have you got planned for tonight?"

"Dinner at Marco Polo, and then Daiquiris at the casino." She grinned widely. I should have fucking known the casino was on the bill for the night. I don't know how she did it but somehow she always picked the right game to play and played the perfect hand.

"Alice, you know I'm a dude right? This," - I grabbed my crotch – "qualifies me as such. Dudes don't do Daiquiris – they're girl's drinks."

"Oh, but look at those pretty long locks of yours, Edward." She jumped up and grabbed a handful of my hair. "I'm sure I could put a nice barrette in there, and an emerald green dress to match your eyes. You'd make a nice chick."

I scowled at her. "You know you are just about the right weight for me to pick up and toss over that balcony."

She smirked at me. "I'd like to see you try."

I feigned a shrug and walk away, before quickly running back at the last minute and throwing her over my shoulder. I carried her back outside and sat her on the railing – my arms wrapped around behind her to ensure she didn't accidentally slip.

"Edward Masen, you fucking ass, let me down." She clung tightly to my shoulders, squeezing her eyes shut. "You know I hate heights."

"What were you saying about me?"

"That you are a manly man who has no feminine aspects at all."

"Exactly," I said. I flipped her around me and put her back on her feet. She smacked my chest before running into the room and sliding the door shut and locking it. She poked her tongue out at me.

"Oh – you are going to get it, Alice!" I shouted.

She pretended that she couldn't hear me, making ridiculously over emphasised gestures of cupping her ears.

"Alright – you've had your laugh," I said. "Let me in."

She shook her head and laughed.

I clasped my hands together and held them in from of me. "Please?" I begged, pushing my bottom lip out.

"Uh-uh."

"What do I have to do to get back inside?"

She tapped her chin. "You have to say Jasper is the best driver at Cullen Racing."

"Oh," I said, laughing. "So for me to come in, I've got to lie."

She shrugged and started to walk off towards the bathroom. I'd been on the road with Alice enough to know that her, in the shower, 'getting ready' usually meant a good hour or two. I debated whether I wanted to remain on the balcony with no entertainment for that long.

"Fine," I said. "Jasper Whitlock is the best driver at Cullen Racing."

She unlocked the door and slid it open a little. I pushed my way past her. I heard the door slide shut again after I'd passed.

"Apart from me," I added, ducking for cover.

"You're lucky we've got reservations, Edward – otherwise..."

"I'd like to see you try it short-stuff."

She poked her tongue at me one last time before disappearing into the bedroom to get ready for our dinner. I pulled my shirt back on before I sat on the couch and flicked on the TV. I debated ringing Bella; I really wanted to hear her voice again. I realised I was completely and utterly pussy-whipped but couldn't find it in myself to care. I pulled out my phone to ring her but realised she didn't finish work for another hour.

I flicked through the channels for a while, not really focusing on anything. I knew I could get changed into some fresh clothes but knowing Alice...

"Edward," Alice called from the room, pulling the door open. "I'm putting your outfit on the door while I finish getting ready. Be dressed by the time I come out."

_Yes, Ma'am, _I thought to myself. I walked over to the door and grabbed the outfit. It was a fucking suit – I wasn't a suit kind of guy, but I knew better than to argue with Alice – at least while she was wielding whatever implements of torture she was currently inflicting on herself. There was always the risk she would decide to turn them on me.

I dressed silently without complaint and was ready long before Alice came from the room.

"What time were the reservations for?" I asked.

"Seven-thirty," Alice responded with a smile.

"It's quarter-past now, we should probably be going." I held out my arm for her. She laughed but grabbed hold, and we were off.

We walked the short distance to Marco Polo, with Alice talking non-stop about Jasper the whole way. I just smiled and nodded in the appropriate places, at least I think they were the appropriate places – I really didn't know for sure.

Alice gave her name at the door and we were ushered through to a table.

Alice sat down and watched me meaningfully as I sat across from her.

"So," she said finally. "Tell me everything about Bella."

*****

One meal, four hours and eight Daiquiris later, not to mention one-thousand dollars richer, we finally stumbled back to the hotel room giggling. I don't know what was funny – I wasn't sure if it was the palm tree in front of the casino, the dumpsters we passed in Elizabeth Street or the hushed whispers of the hotel clerks as we passed them. Whatever it was, it had Alice and I in hysterics until we finally collapsed onto the couch, unable to breath.

"Thanks, Alice," I said when I was finally able to draw some breath. "I had fun."

I had – it was nice to have a night without the stress of a potential relationship and without worrying about upsetting anyone with what I said. I could just be me and Alice could like it or lump it – stay or fuck off – and it wouldn't matter. The drunker we got – the more we insulted each other and neither of us could give a shit. We would still be teammates and friends. With Bella I felt like I was walking on fucking eggshells around her all the fucking time. I hoped tomorrow would fix that. Alice knew all about my plans from Carlisle and had offered me a few suggestions to tweak them.

"I'm going to bed, shithead," Alice giggled to me as she stumbled to the bedroom. We'd never agreed that I was staying the night here, but we didn't need to – it was an unspoken agreement between us.

"Whatever, bitch," I laughed back at her.

"I gotta be at the airport early in the morning," she slurred. "I got an early flight."

"You gotta be at the airport early – 'cause I got a fuck-hot date to get to and I am not missing that for shit."

"Touché." She pointed at the ceiling and did a funny little pirouette, twisting her legs around each other until she was tangled and fell unceremoniously on her ass.

I laughed at her from the couch – not standing or offering to help. I laughed until one of her shoes sailed over my head. I stared blankly at the wall where it hit for a few seconds before I couldn't control the laughter anymore and it burst out again. I heard Alice giggling again as she shut the bedroom door. I laid myself out along the length of the couch and thought about the night. It was almost fucking perfect – the best escape from all the shit that I'd had to deal with lately. I was glad Alice had taken time out of her schedule to come to see me. I'd gathered fairly quickly that this trip was actually impacting her preparations a little, but she'd been worried about me. There was only one thing missing from the evening – Bella.

I pulled out my phone, stifling another giggle that rose to my throat – Alice had forced the fucking girl-drinks on me, and now I was fucking giggling like one. I wrote Bella a text. I needed her to know I was thinking about her.

I put my phone away and let my thoughts of Bella take over my mind. I fucking wanted her – so bad. The alcohol coursing its way pleasantly through my system was making me so fucking horny it wasn't funny. I rubbed my hand up and down the length of my thigh, desperately aching for Bella's touch to soothe the fires that erupted there. I pictured her as she was this afternoon when I saw her at work. Professional, smiling, blushing and fucking gorgeous. My hand had just made its way up the length of my thigh and grabbed my shaft when my phone rang. I grabbed it quickly, thinking it might have been Bella.

"We need to meet." I didn't recognise the voice immediately – it was female, but it definitely wasn't Bella.

"What? Who is this?"

"It's Rosalie."

Fuck. I sat bolt upright. "Why?"

"I need to talk to you, urgently."

"Well, you've got me on the phone now."

"No. In person. Can you meet me down at the Grand Plaza?"

"Rosalie, no offense – but why the fuck would I meet up with you when it could be a fucking set-up for an ambush by that boofhead husband of yours."

To my surprise she laughed. "I promise - no Emmett."

"I can't anyway," I said, bristling – I still didn't know what she was ringing for and I wasn't sure if I could trust her. "I'm in the city, with a teammate. I can't just leave. Al needs a lift to the airport in the morning."

"I need to talk to you before this big date you have planned."

"Well, unless you're willing to drive your ass into the city I'm afraid you are shit out of luck."

"Fine," she said. I thought she was ready to hang-up. "I'll be there in half an hour. I'll meet you at the MacDonald's at the end of the Myer Centre."

"Fuck, really?"

"Yes, really. I told you, Edward. I need to speak to you."

Why did I get the feeling this wasn't going to be good?

**A/N - I will keep this short - thanks for all your support on this little fic of mine - I can't believe the reviews I've gotten, both number & quality. Unfortunately, Bella's just been working her butt of most of the day while RCE's been off having fun with Alice so I am thinking the Reviewer scene this week will be Alice POV. **

**You may or may not know, but I have a o/s in the Public Lovin Contest called "New Mood", my hubs has a man fic called "Quarter-Mile Lovers" and good gal pal & constant WC companion Albymangroves has "Bam! Zap! Pow!" - there are many other good stories in the contest too. It moved from the blog onto FFn so check it out http://www (.) fanfiction (.) net/u/2334596/ Read, review - but most importantly VOTE!**


	30. Prelude to a Date

**Chapter 30: Prelude to a date**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my beta's (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Yes I realise there is a double up there - but double duties call for double praise. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

*****

My knee bounced uncontrollably as I sat on the marble stool at the end of the Myer Centre. The cashiers at the twenty-four hour McDonald's kept giving me awkward glances. I wasn't sure whether they recognised me, and were too afraid to approach, or if they thought I was a crazy person getting around in a crumpled suit, mumbling to myself, with an uncontrollable leg.

Rosalie was due any minute, but I didn't know what she wanted. I only knew that Bella's family hated me, so it couldn't be good. I tried to focus on anything but the worry running through my head. I thought about Alice, back in the hotel room, oblivious to my night time rendezvous with Bella's sister-in-law. I had left a note just in case this was an ambush and I ended up buried in the middle of a state forest somewhere. At least Alice would be able to tell the police who I met with – but I expected her to sleep through without any knowledge.

People were rushing around me. I couldn't believe the streets were still so busy at almost midnight. I was used to it in Sydney, but Brisbane had always been more of a country town – everything closed by ten. It must have grown up in my absence. I wasn't going to complain though; it boded well for me that there were so many people around. At least Emmett would have a harder time trying to stuff me in a boot if there were witnesses.

I was just about to give up waiting when a red BMW pulled up in front of me. It was a nice car, and I couldn't help admiring its sleek lines. It was no Monaro, but it was still a fine piece of iron. The passenger door flew open and blonde hair swept into my view.

"There's nowhere to park around here. Hop in," Rosalie's voice called. It looked like she was alone. If she was, I could take her if it turned nasty, but I double-checked the backseat just to be safe. Emmett was too big to hide easily.

"Just get in the fucking car!" Rosalie snapped.

_This is for Bella,_ I thought to myself as I climbed into the passenger seat. I hadn't even reached for my seatbelt when Rosalie accelerated hard. "What do you..." I started to ask, but Rosalie cut me off with a glare and a raised palm.

I sat quietly, anger rising in me at the way Rosalie was treating me. The fucking bitch hadn't even spoken since telling me to get in the car. Ten minutes later, we were pulling up to a park overlooking the usually muddy-brown Brisbane River, whichshimmered black in the night. She climbed out of the car and walked to the railing without another word or backward glance.

I lost my patience as I followed her. "Rosalie, what the fuck do you want?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing," she seethed.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "What are you fucking talking about?"

"What do you want from Bella?"

"How is it your business?"

"Bella is my sister, therefore it is my business."

"Fuck**!** Bella must be everyone's fucking business. I'm glad everyone else has figured out what they think she needs. But what about what _she _thinks she needs? What about what _she _wants? What about what _I_ want? Where is her fucking privacy? Or mine?"

Rosalie's head whipped around to face me, her blonde hair fanning out behind her in the wind. "You don't deserve shit, not after everything Bella has been through in the past four years."

"You're right – I _don't _deserve shit!" I shouted back. "I definitely don't deserve someone as pure and fucking fantastic as Bella. But she wants to try, and I'm selfish enough to let that happen."

"Of course she wants to fucking try – she's never been able to let you go. But fuck, Edward – what do you think it's going to do to her when you leave again? You take her out and promise her all these things. It will crush her when you go."

I crossed my arms. "The answer to that is simple. I'm not leaving. I don't think I will ever be able to leave her again. I love her."

She scoffed. "If that's how you really felt,you wouldn't have left in the first place."

"I left because I felt like that, because I felt... fuck it! I don't need to explain myself to you."

She shrugged. "Maybe you think you feel that way, but I don't think you know what love is."

I was going to interrupt her and tell her to fuck off, that she didn't know how I felt, but she held up her palm to me again and raised her voice as she continued. "Regardless, I just want to give you a piece of friendly advice. Me to you, so to speak. If you hurt Bella in any way, you will have to answer to me." She raised her eyebrow before grabbing my shirt and pulling me in close - her lips practically brushed the side of my ear as she continued. "If you take Bella out on whatever date you have planned and build her hopes up, just to crush them, then I will personally ensure that you feel every ounce of pain you cause her."

I held my hands up in surrender. I'd been worried about an ambush by Emmett, but Rosalie was one fucking scary bitch. Rosalie released me and started back to the car. I was pissed that she thought she could say that shit and walk away. I couldn't let her have the final word. I grabbed her shoulder and spun her around.

"You've had your say, now I'm having mine."

She raised her eyebrow at me. The soft light coming from the CBD across the river lit her features so I could see every minor detail.

I didn't allow her to interrupt. "I fucked up. I know it – you know it – the entire fucking world knows it. But I'm here to right my wrongs. I'm here**,** because I fucking love Bella. I love her. I fucking adore every inch of her with every fibreof my being. I refuse to let anything stand between the two of us anymore. It's bad enough that I have to prove to her that I love herand that I'm not going to hurt her anymore. I refuse to be forced to explain it constantly to the rest of the world. It's between her and me. Respectfully, you and the rest of her family, can kindly fuck off and leave us be until we've sorted ourselves out."

Rosalie's face was a mask of incredulity and rage for a few long seconds. Then suddenly, she laughed.

"Well, fuck!" she said. "You've got some balls. Do you mean it though? That you love her? That's the part I am finding hard to believe – you walked away from her so easily."

I laughed harshly at her. "You have no idea what I went through to walk away from her."

"So enlighten me." She walked back over towards me, but gracefully slid past me and stood near the railing.

"Why?"

"'Cause I can be your ally or your enemy – the choice is yours." She climbed up onto the railing, perching herself on top and looked at me expectantly.

"What's the difference?"

"The difference is whether I tell the rest of the family to back off or close ranks."

"Like I give a shit. I told you, the only one who can get rid of me now is Bella. I'm here until she orders me away."

"Like that will ever happen," she mumbled under her breath. "Still, you have to admit the path will be smoother if Em isn't blocking you. Or Dad."

I thought about it for a second. Killer Charlie on my side. Emmett staying the fuck away and not threatening me with violence. I had to admit it sounded easier. I sighed as I climbed onto the railing next to Rosalie, but turned my body to face the river.

"I don't owe you explanations," I whispered. "But it would be nice if you leave us alone for a little while – for Bella."

"Bullshit,you don't need to explain." Rosalie turned around to face the river as well.

"I didn't say I don't need to explain. I said that I didn't owe _you_ explanations. I owe them to Bella."

She turned to me. Her expression softer than I'd everseen it before. She seemed to consider me for a minute before turning away again. I didn't know what she was seeing, but her eyes were focused on a spot in the distance. All I could see were a few small boats with flashing lights to indicate their location. "I never thought I'd see you so... grown up. You were always so fucking cocky. Nothing and no-one could touch you."

I stayed silent. My eyes trailed to the spot she found so interesting, but I still saw nothing.

"I know a thing or two about people making mistakes when they're young." I got the feeling she wasn't talking about me anymore – not really. "Mum was so young when she had me, and I've never even met my father. Fucking bastard ran out the minute she found out she was pregnant. I guess if someone were man enough to try to correct a mistake..." her voice cut off.

I looked closely at her face, seeing the tears that were moistening her eyes, but I knew would never fall. She probably wouldn't even acknowledge they were there. I was at a complete fucking loss about what to do. We were having a heart to heart that I hadn't expected to have. I debated for a second, watching her eyes glisten in the soft glow, before I put my arm around her shoulder to offer her some comfort.

My touch seemed to rouse her from her thoughts. She pulled away from me, quickly climbing back over the railing and backing away. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

I followed her over the guardrail and stared blankly at her. "I fucking thought we were having a moment."

She sighed. "I came to deliver a message." She seemed to consider what happened for a second then turned on her heel and headed back to her car. "Message delivered."

She climbed into the driver's seat and started the car. When the car started to edge forward, I thought she was going to just drive off and leave me there in the middle of fucking nowhere.

I heard her give an exasperated sigh from the car. "You coming or not?"

I ran to the car, confused and trying to process what happened. I knew something fundamental had shifted in the world. Then one key thing Rosalie had said hit me. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it earlier.

_She's never been able to let you go._

*****

I didn't sleep much when I got back to the hotel. I was too excited and nervous about my date with Bella. I was so wound up thinking about it - about her - that I couldn't find comfort. In the end, the only way I could get some relief was to stop trying not to think about Bella. I let her invade every part of my conscious mind. Without much thought, my hand worked its way down my body, and I was soon stroking my length as visions of Bella danced in my head. Her face, her smile, even her scent – every part of her drew me in and held me captive. It was just a few short hours before I would see her again. That was the thought that sent me tumbling over the edge, spilling my seed across my hand and stomach with a barely muffled moan. I cleaned up quickly before falling into a few hours of peaceful sleep where Bella was wrapped in my arms.

I woke to a high-pitched voice 'singing' in the shower. After taking in my surroundings and realising I was still in the hotel**,** it struck me what the noise was. I decided I was glad I never had any interest in Alice – that voice alone would send me packing. I was still laughing about it when she emerged from the bedroom, dressed and towel-drying her hair.

"What?" she asked with a smirk.

I shook my head. "Nothing."

"Tell me." She pouted.

"No way, I value my manhood and everything that goes along with it too much."

She narrowed her eyes at me, then quirked her eyebrow. "Speaking of your manhood and everything that goes with it... you might wanna put the car back in the garage." She nodded her chin in my direction and then started laughing as she began to throw her belongings back into her suitcase.

I looked down and realised what she meant. I was covered only by my boxers. My pants were hanging wide open on my hips with my zipper resting wide open - no doubt as a result of my exploration the previous night.

I quickly tucked myself back into my pants and did them up before dragging myself off the couch. I didn't realise how much my head was throbbing until I'd stood. It felt like butterflies were doing loop-de-loops in my stomach making me sick. I put it down to an empty stomach after a night of drinking. After all, there was no way I could be nervous about what was coming up. I was going to be back in my element, albeit with Bella by my side. I was going to show her my world – my life. It was that thought that had me floating into the bathroom with a change of clothes. I needed to shower and shave before my date.

An hour later, I pulled into the airport to drop Alice off. I offered to escort her all the way through to check-in but she argued with me**,** telling me that she was a big girl and there was no point in keeping Bella waiting. She pecked my cheek and wished me luck as she climbed out of the car. I took a deep breath as I drove off with Alice in my rear-view mirror. She had a knowing smile on her face and was waving to me.

I stopped for a quick bite to eat on the way back to Browns Plains, popping a couple of panadol for my headache when I did. My hands shook as I closed the distance to Bella's house. When I pulled up in front, I saw the curtain ruffle**.** She was locking the door, with Phoebe standing beside her, by the time I turned off the car. Both of them were smiling broadly. I didn't stop to think about my actions as I ran from the car and pulled Bella tightly into my arms. It felt like I hadn't seen her in a week, even though it had only been yesterday. I placed one hand behind her head and buried my face into her neck, breathing deeply, before turning my face and kissing her softly on the cheek.

"I missed you," I whispered against her skin. Her eyes closed and she took a deep breath. I could see her mouth turning up into a smile. I knelt down beside her, turning my attention to Phoebe.

"Hi, Phoebe," I said quietly. Her eyes met and held mine as she gave a small grin.

"Edward!" she squealed, throwing her arms around my neck and surprising me. "I'm going to see Aunt Lizzie today."

I gave Bella a quizzical look. "Aunt Lizzie?" I mouthed.

Bella shrugged and glanced at Phoebe. I guessed she wasn't going to say more while Phoebe was around.

"Do you like Aunt Lizzie?" I asked.

Phoebe nodded enthusiastically.

"That's good. You both ready to go?"

Bella seemed anxious, but they both nodded. I indicated my car and Phoebe ran over to it and smiled at me.

"Do you like my car?" I asked her.

"Yes!" Her eyes lit up.

"Well, hop in. We'll go for a quick spin before we go to Auntie Lizz."

I helped her into the backseat and then stepped back so Bella could do up the baby seat. Bella walked around to the passenger side and gave me a small, nervous smile as she put her seatbelt on. I leaned over and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, giving her what I hoped was a calming look. The butterflies had gone from loop-de-loops to full aerial acrobatics, including death-dives and barrel-rolls.

I drove around the streets for a few minutes, taking off hard at the lights because each time i did**,** it elicited a round of giggles from Phoebe. I finally pulled up at Mum's and waited beside the car while Bella helped Phoebe out.

I knocked on the front door and, with a wide smile, Mum opened the door almost immediately. Phoebe dashed into her arms, and they gave each other a large cuddle. I was amazed to see the relationship that they had despite the struggle of having to dance around my fuckwit father. Mum whispered to me that the box I needed was in my room.

I left the three of them to say their hellos as I walked down the hall to grab the box Carlisle had sent. I shouldn't have been surprised that my room was completely straightened and, other than the few dents, holes and scratches in the walls, it was impossible to tell the extent of damage I had caused yesterday. I took the box out to the car, ignoring the strange glances from Bella as I passed.

"You ready to get going?" I asked her when I returned to the house.

She took a deep breathbefore swallowing audibly, then nodded. She seemed to recognise, like I did, that today was pivotal for our relationship. I hoped after today we could stop the pussyfooting bullshit and just be together. We needed to decide whether we were going to have a relationship or not, and move on. My heart ached at the thought that it might go that way – Bella might run after today. But I could only hope for the best and do what I could to sway her in my direction.

"What was in the box, Edward?" she asked when we were pulling out of Mum's driveway.

I smiled at her. "You'll see. I promise."

"When?"

"Soon. Real soon."

After all... it was only a little under an hour's drive to Willowbank.

To Queensland Raceway.

**A/N:- Okay peeps - so now you know where the hot date is going to be... any guesses on _what_ it is going to be? **

**Thanks so much for all the love I've received for RCE (umm RaceCarEdward just in case I haven't claified that before). For all the new readers, I love hearing your thoughts on where RCE was at the beginning and where he is now. I can almost pinpoint the moments your sentiments change. I love hearing your guesses on what's coming up, sometimes they spark slightly new directions and some of them are scarily close on the money - but of course I won't say which are which cause that would take the fun out of it. **

**This chapter was made possible by my team of WC h00rs who are all excellent fic writers themselves and are definitely worthy of your love.  
****mrs-ambrosia ****http://www (.) fanfiction (.) net/u/1883571/****  
****manhoor (who happens to be my RL hubs *mwah* love to you baby!) http://www (.) fanfiction (.) net/u/2320576/  
****CorrinaTFF (who in case you haven't been able to tell I might be slighty enamoured with ;) ) http://www (.) fanfiction (.) net/u/1975872/  
****Albymangroves http://www (.) fanfiction (.) net/u/2207573/  
Mymunkyman http://www (.) fanfiction (.) net/u/2056152/****  
and last but not least Shoefreak37 http://www (.) fanfiction (.) net/u/1600273/**

**Thanks girls (and guy) I love ya's all. **

**Not really much more to say except if you are waiting for Chap 1 of Life's Lesson it is undergoing Beta'ing at the moment & will be posted soon. ****And you never never know when another WIP might come along so don't be afraid to author alert me if you like my stuff ;) **


	31. Queensland Raceway

**Chapter 31: Queensland Raceway**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely beta's (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

"So..._Aunt Lizzie_?" I asked Bella, to break the silence in the car.

She shrugged. "It was just something we agreed on after the twins were born. We could hardly call her Nana. Not without telling the whole town that I was your loser ex-girlfriend who..."

"Don't," I said.

"Don't what?"

"Don't ever call yourself that."

She shrugged.

I grabbed hold of her hand and brought it to my lips. "No. I won't let you refer to yourself that way. You are the woman who has held my heart captive for years, even if I was a fuckwit and didn't see it."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her shake her head as her tears fell. "I haven't. I wasn't enough for you."

I checked my blindspot, ensuring no one was in the lane next to me, then swerved into the emergency stopping lane and pulled the car to a hard stop. I turned to Bella, gently cupping my hands around her face. "You can't think that. This – all of this shit – it's about me. It's all my fault and is nothing to do with you. You were always too good for me. Too pure and wonderful. You held my heart in your hands from the first moment I saw you, and that scared the fuck out of me."

She closed her eyes, and the tears fell in earnest. "You left, so easily, and you never once called me or asked anyone about me. I didn't hear from you for four years...except the email."

I saw the pain etched onto every line of her face and heard it in the timbre of her voice. I knew I needed to explain the one thing which I had only just realised myself. "I left... and I _couldn't _ask about you. Don't you see? If I'd asked about you, if I'd allowed myself to believe for even one second that I still cared about you, I would have been back in Brisbane in a heartbeat."

I gently brushed the tears off her cheeks. I leaned forward and kissed the salt trails left on her face, closing my eyes as I tasted her sorrow. It was a palpable presence around her**,** and I knew the path to _us_ would only be accessed by confronting it. Her fear and sorrow were the walls and gatekeeper, protecting the entrance to her heart and soul. I saw it clearly in that moment. I couldn't say exactly when I had grown the fuck up and realised that**,** but I knew that it could only be a good thing. A positive thing for myself, for Bella, and, most importantly, for Phoebe. I gave her one final chaste kiss on the mouth before pulling back and taking in her beauty. I grazed my thumb along her right cheek, feeling the all-too familiar electricity charge where our skin connected. "You may not believe in me, but believe in that. Believe in my touch and our love. I know you feel it too... that _thing_ that happens when we come together. I've never found that with anyone else -"

She opened her mouth to talk, her eyes filled with self-doubt, but I pressed my finger lightly to her lips to silence her.

"And I never want to try. I'm not my father, Bella. I am committed to you...to us. Until you send me away."

"Edward, I..." She stopped short. She put on a smile, which was obviously forced. "I'm sorry, I brought it up. Let's just go to Willowbank."

"Okay, that's..." I realised what she said. "Wait – why do you think that's where we're going?"

She laughed, and it almost rang true. "You don't think I know the way to Willowbank. I mean, honestly what else is out here? Not to mention you look like a boy who has just been told his school is closed permanently."

I held up my hands in protest. "Fine. You caught me," I said jokingly. "You still want to go?"

"I'm still willing to see what you are going to subject me too," she said with a smirk. Her smile turned more genuine, and I made a silent oath to keep it there all day. I winked at her, grinning, then put the car in gear and pulled back out onto the highway.

Once the car was back up to speed, I reached across and grabbed Bella's hand smiling at her as I held it tightly in mine. I rested our joined hands on my lap. She didn't attempt to pull it away immediately or shake off my grasp, which made my smile wider. After a few minutes she did pull away, but only to turn on the radio before placing her palm back where it rested on my thigh.

The radio proved to be the perfect distraction,and soon we were both singing along at the top of our lungs. The radio station was doing an _all naughties _music special, and all the songs we'd fallen in love to were playing. I took it as an omen that it was going to be a fuck-awesome day.

I pulled into the car park and stopped in front of the sign that read, 'V8 Experience'. Bella turned to me with a dazed look on her face. "Is this... is that what we're doing? Are you driving us around the track – in one of those?"

I shook my head. "No, you are."

Her face dropped, shock registering on every part of her features. Slowly, some excitement began to creep into her eyes. "Really?"

I jumped out of the car and ran around to her door before she had a chance to open it. "Really."

"So then... what's in the box?" she asked, with a little bit of fear - or possibly anticipation - in her voice.

"Your suit and helmet. And mine."

When she looked at me she had a wide grin on her face. "_Really_?" her voice was high-pitched, almost a squeal. I knew in that instant that this date had been the right choice.

"You want to check it out?" I asked and offered her my hand.

Her excitement was evident and rippled through her. She clutched tightly around my fingers. I led her to the back of the car and pulled open the boot. Resting just inside, was the box that Carlisle had sent up--complete with two Cullen Racing race suits and two matching helmets.

"Can I?" Bella asked, her hands already extended halfway to the box.

I shrugged. "The small one is yoursto do with what you will. Although, I do hope you will put it on and go for a spin with me." I bit my lip as I ran my eyes over her body, just imagining her curves squeezed into the suit. My dick sprung to attention almost instantly. I turned into the bumper so that my _situation_ wouldn't be obvious to Bella. I grabbed the box and pulled it out of the boot, positioning it to provide coverage.

"C'mon," I said, nodding with my head towards the office.

"I'm not going to have to drive with someone else am I?" she asked, glancing around anxiously.

"Bella, look who you're with!" I said, pretending to be offended. "Carlisle's organised the lot. I'm going to take you round and show you how to do it. And then it'll be your turn. But you have to trust that I will keep you safe and listen to my instructions carefully."

"So are we really going on the track?"

I put the box down on a bench. "This track and the car are ours exclusively for the next four hours. Obviously the safety people have to be around, but other than that – we'll be left completely alone."

"Wow."

I smiled. I knew this date would either bring us closer or drive a bigger wedge between us. Judging by the wide-eyed expression on Bella's face, the day was going exactly as I had dared hope. "Through there to get changed," I said as I threw her suit at her. "Just make sure you leave your t-shirt on underneath cause otherwise it will chafe like a bitch."

She giggled a little as she caught the suit and disappeared into the ladies' room less than a second later. Yep, she was fucking excited.

I grabbed my own suit and headed to the men's room. I pulled it on as quickly as I could – I didn't want to leave Bella alone for long with the number of wolves that were no doubt hanging around the track. I knew what the draw of female drivers was like. There was something about a girl in a tight-ass driving suit in control of a fuck-hot V8 that just did things to men.

I stopped short when I left the men's room. Bella was waiting for me and walking was no longer an option. She was red-hot, so hot she was on fucking fire. I had seen plenty of women wearing a race suit**,** and none of them even came close to looking at hot as she did. She'd taken her hair out and was shaking it loose around her head, sending waves cascading down her shoulders. The red of the suit highlighted the ever-present blush across her opaque cheeks. I swallowed as hard as I could to remove the lump in my throat, but nothing was going to shift the one in my pants.

She must have heard my steps, because she started talking to me. "What's the matter?" she asked, slowly turning towards me. "Cat got your..." she stopped short as her eyes raked over my body. I felt self-conscious in my race suit for the first time ever. I'd done promotional shoots with at least a dozen grid girls, but no one had ever made me feel so attractive, and at the same time attracted me so much, as she did in that instant. I felt the need to run over to her and mark her as mine in any way possible - particularly any way that including rubbing up and down against her lemur style. Instead I gave her an unsteady smile. "You ready?"

She nodded and bit her lip. She was going to be the death of me. I grabbed her helmet, sliding it under my arm and closed the distance between us. I kissed her forehead then whispered, "Trust me**.**"

I didn't know if she realised I meant in general, not just today, but she nodded as I slipped her helmet on.

I jumped back and grabbed my own helmet before linking arms with Bella and leading her out to the V8 we would be driving. It wasn't quite a supercar, but it was a Tickford XR8 which had been modified with hi-performance ECU and was race prepared with roll cages, safety harnesses, race seats and slick tyres. It was going to be a decent ride and would definitely give Bella the closest possible experience she could have to my life. At least until I could convince Carlisle to let me take her out in one of our cars.

"I'll run through everything first, taking you around a couple of laps, and then it's all you," I said to her as I opened the passenger door. She looked around anxiously as she climbed in. I leaned into the car to strap her into the racing harness, taking extra care to ensure all the straps were tight enough to be protective, but loose enough that they wouldn't cut off her circulation. I ran my finger down the lines of each strap, following the length from shoulder to waist across the front of Bella's chest. Then I checked each of the straps that rested across her hips before running my hand along her inner thighs to check the last strap there. I finally gave the buckle one final pull to ensure it was secure before reluctantly withdrawing myself and racing to the driver's side.

The next hour I ran through some of the key aspects of driving a race car. I told her how to keep to the racing line, how to approach the corners and where to hit the apex, braking techniques, and general car control. During the first two laps she clung tightly to her harness. I didn't push the car as hard as I knew it could go, instead concentrating on training her. I watched carefully for the moment when her nerves broke and allowed the excitement back in. That was the moment I knew she was ready to take control. I pulled the car up and helped her out of her harness. She clutched at my arm as I helped her out of the car. Now that she knew she was going to be in control, her nerves were back in force.

"Are you sure I can do this?"

"Baby, you can do anything you want." I didn't even think about the endearment until it had slipped past my lips. Her eyes widened slightly, but she said nothing about it as she slid into the driver's seat. I helped her do up her harness again, taking extra care while checking the straps this time. Watching her face as I slid my hand between the strap and her breast. Biting my lip as I ran my fingers beneath the straps on her hips. Pressing on her suit as I checked the strap between her legs. I might, or might not, have imagined the small, low moan that she issued in response. Fuck I wanted her. I had never wanted anyone more in my entire life. I pulled myself out of the car before I could completely lose control and do something _she _would regret – like kiss her.

I climbed into the passenger seat and did up my own harness. "You ready?" I asked.

She nodded, but I could see how tightly she was gripping the steering wheel. I placed my hand over hers and gave it a gentle squeeze until I felt it relax under me. Then I slowly drew my fingers down her arm and placed it on her shoulder. "You'll do great," I assured her. "Just remember what I told you."

"What? All of it? What if I forget something?" she asked, concerned.

I laughed. "I'm here, Bella, I'll help you through it."

The first lap she almost killed the car by going too slow. I tried my hardest to bite my tongue so that I didn't snap at her to just put her fucking foot down already. The second lap was a little better. By the fifth lap she was starting to relax into it and was averaging 120kms down the straight. I wanted her to push it even harder. I gently coaxed her faster each time until finally, on the tenth lap, she hit 200kms an hour down the straight. She pulled over shortly after – her whole body shaking with adrenaline. I unbuckled myself and practically fucking skipped to her door. The combination of her speed and killer looks was just about doing me in, but I had to let her know how fucking proud of her I was. Before I had a chance to help her out she'd already undone her straps and virtually leapt out of the car and into my arms. Our helmets met with a clash, so I quickly pulled mine off and placed it beside me. Bella followed suit before throwing her arms around my neck again, squealing like a little girl.

She was so close to me and smelled so fucking good. Her body rubbed against me as she did her celebratory dance, and I couldn't resist anymore. I wrapped her body tightly in my arms, pulling her into me with all my strength. I claimed her lips, walking her backwards,and pinned her between my body and the car. I half expected her to slap me or to pull back so I was fucking shocked when the tip of her tongue traced my lips. I groaned and ground my hips against her. If she'd had any doubts about exactly what she did to me that action alone had to erase them. I was so fucking hard it was painful. I needed her. My fingers traced gently through her hair as she tilted her head slightly for better access.

My other hand ran along her back and cupped her ass. I hitched her leg onto my hip and she moaned against my mouth. It was like my own private cheer squad, spurring me on to greater heights – or in this case towards greater depths. I pulled away from Bella for half a second, to ensure she was willing to partake. Her eyes were dark with lust and her lips plump and red from our hard kisses.

"Oh, fucking hell," I whispered, as I took another step back. "This wasn't what I planned. I just wanted to show you my life – my passion. I don't want you to think..."

She cut me off with a deep kiss. She slid down the zipper on my race-suit, pushing it open and off my shoulders. She planted small kisses across my chin and down my neck. Her fingers played along the bottom edge of my t-shirt, teasing my stomach maddeningly with her warm skin.

"Do you know what these suits do for me?" she asked, her voice husky and seductive.

"Oh, fuck, Bella. Tell me."

She moved back to the car, pulling down the zipper on her own suit. It became evident pretty quickly that she wasn't wearing anything beneath it except a bra. The suit formed a V of nearly bare skin from her shoulders to her waist. I wanted to run my tongue along that patch of skin. Or fall down on my knees and worship at the temple of Bella. Instead I stood, wide-mouthed and powerless as she stalked towards me like a predator. Her body called out to me**,** and I finally gathered my senses enough to run my hands into her suit, running my fingers along her bare skin. I kissed her again, running my fingertips along the patch of skin at the base of her spine. I pressed my t-shirt covered torso against her bare chest. The warmth of her radiated though the thin material, and I knew without a doubt I had to have her – often and repeatedly. It was the only thing that could help salve my sanity. I wondered if I could get a script from the good Doctor for that - Bella Swan, sunny-side up, repeat at least three times a day until cured. And I didn't ever want to be cured.

I slowly pulled back from the kiss – unwilling to back away, but knowing all too well how many people were around. With any other girl I wouldn't have given a shit – but this was Bella. And Bella was too fucking pure to be screwed in the middle of an open race-track. I zipped her suit back up, but not before running my finger from her belly-button to her chin, and then from her chin to her ear.

"Do you want me to show you how it's really done now?" I asked her.

I wasn't sure which emotion dominated her features the most – fear or excitement. But she nodded once and so for the third time today I strapped her into the car. This time took the longest as I checked, double-checked and triple-checked all the straps, enjoying the sensation of my hands on her body.

After I was in the driver's seat I took her for a genuine lap, at proper race-speed. I took to the track as if someone was on my tail, fighting for the line. I drove hard through the straights, breaking deep into the corners, and cutting hard across the racing line. Bella alternated between fits of screams and giggles as she was thrown around the passenger seat. Three more laps and I pulled to a fast stop in front of the office. I grinned at Bella. I couldn't believe that we'd been here for almost five hours – it felt like five minutes. I was euphoric.

And the day had only just begun.


	32. Life's a drag

**Chapter 32: Life's a drag**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

Bella stretched her hands out above her head languidly. Her body was warm between my thighs, her shoulders resting across my hips and her fingers raked my sides. I laughed as they tickled my ribs. She dropped her head back, resting her chestnut locks against my stomach. She smiled a little and tilted her head so that she looked up at me. When she noticed I was watching her she flipped herself over and smiled even wider.

"Thank-you," she said. "For this morning...and for today. It's been..."

"Perfect?" I asked, hopeful.

She bit her lip and nodded. Then she crossed her arms across my stomach and rested her head back down on them. I ran my fingers through her hair, brushing it all to the side so I had an uninterrupted view of her face. "You're so beautiful," I said to her.

She swatted my stomach lightly, but I wouldn't be deterred. We'd had a perfect morning at the race-track, followed by a picnic in this quiet, and most importantly, secluded little corner of the Ipswich race precinct. I had left explicit instructions that we were not to be disturbed by anyone, for any reason. Which was a good thing, because almost as soon as I had unfolded the blanket, Bella had pulled off the top half of her racing suit and tied the sleeves off around her waist. She pulled a t-shirt on almost immediately, but not before I had a good look at the ivory planes of her back.

As if driven on by the memory, my hand dropped from her hair to the collar of her shirt. My fingers dipped in and out as I rubbed a small circle there, relishing in the feel of her silken skin. In response to my touch, Bella gave a small moan of approval which spurred me on further. I rubbed my hand along her back over the top of her shirt. She groaned again. Each time she did, her chest vibrated against my groin, sending shivers of desire through my entire body. She had to know how she was affecting me because my erection was pressing hard against her breasts. My hand went to her chin, lifting it up so that she was looking at me.

"I love you," I told her.

She looked me in the eye and smiled. Then she dropped her head back onto her folded hands. She closed her eyes and seemed lost in thought. I dropped my own head back and closed my own eyes. She still couldn't say it, but I was sure she felt the same way about me. After all, she had put her trust in me around the track. She had allowed me to push her boundaries and get her up to 200km/h mark. My hand ran from her hair to her shirt, and back again, as I became lost in my own thoughts. I thought nothing of it when she shifted her weight– she'd been wiggling and moving most of the time she'd been lying in between my legs anyway. It wasn't until soft lips touched mine that I realised she had shifted her entire body on top of mine. I opened my eyes to see her grinning on top of me. Once she knew she had my attention she dropped her lips to my ear.

"Edward Masen. I love you."

She whispered it so quietly I was almost sure I was hearing things. Then her lips crashed onto mine**,** and her tongue pressed forward. I opened my lips and took her tongue into my mouth. Her hair fell in curtains around our faces as we became consumed by each other. I reached down between us to untie the knot in her driving suit – it was pressing hard into me and was uncomfortable. Bella gasped as my hand slipped inside the suit to grab hold of the knot. Her mouth pressed harder against mine, and she moaned into me.

That small moan was it for me. I reached my arms around her, pulling her closer. Then I flipped us over so she was pinned beneath me. I pushed her t-shirt up and tasted the skin of her stomach. I groaned in ecstasy. She tasted so fucking good. My hands explored north of where my head rested, pushing the cups of her bra up and releasing her breasts to my waiting fingers. I rolled her nipple gently between my thumb and forefinger. My mouth longed to join my hands, but was too busy exploring other parts of her stomach. Finally, with a trail of kisses, I climbed up her body. My head scooped low and tasted her breasts. "Perfect," I breathed against her.

She pushed her head back, bucking her hips and exposing her neck in the process. My mouth found her neck, grazing and gently nipping her. My hands parted ways, one ran to the back of her neck, supporting her head by resting against the base of her skull. The other traced a straight line between her breasts, over her stomach and into her racing suit without hesitation. My fingers ran into her panties, the heat radiating from her was exquisite. I claimed her mouth with mine again as my hand explored her pussy. She was wet and ready. I groaned in unison with her as my fingers dipped inside, first one, then two.

Bella's breath came in heavy pants against my mouth. I pressed my body against my hand, grinding my crotch against hers, sandwiching my fingers deeper inside her. I took her bottom lip into my mouth and grazed my teeth gently along it as I pulled back from her. She shuddered beneath me. I continued to push my hips into her, thrusting my fingers deeper still. I pressed my thumb against her clit and rubbed it as I thrust against her again and again. She tipped her head back and a sigh of ecstasy escaped her as she came around my fingers. The sight and sound of it left me desperate for more. I pulled my hand out and rested it on her hip as I kissed her throat again.

"I want you so badly, Bella," I whispered, unthinkingly, against her hair.

"I'm yours..." Bella breathed back. Then, almost silently, she added, "Please...be careful with me." A small tear in her eyes told me how honest her request was.

I kissed the corner of her eye. "Always," I told her, reverently. "I'll never hurt you again."

I wrapped her tightly in my arms, and twisted so I was lying on my back, before pulling her into my side. Her hand came up to my face and grazed along my chin. Her head fell against my shoulder.

"Just see that you don't," she murmured into my chest.

I squeezed her a little tighter. I knew I could never intentionally hurt her. I could never leave her side. I needed her like air.

We lay there alongside each other for a few minutes more. We were both sleepy from the sun and food, and were soon completely relaxed into each other. I didn't want to move from this perfect slice of heaven we had created, but I knew we needed to for the second part of my date.

I sighed, then pulled myself to my feet. I turned and offered Bella my hand. "Coming?"

"Where?" She narrowed her eyes at me, suspiciously. But she accepted my offer and rose to her feet.

"To our date – part two." I tied the arms of her racing suit back around her waist again as I spoke.

She laughed. "There's a part two?"

I raised my eyebrow at her. "Damn right there's a part two – and it's going to be a drag."

I laughed at my own pun, but Bella just stared blankly at me for a few minutes before recognition of what was right next door lit her features.

"Of course – it had to be that," she said.

"Of course, I mean why pass up the opportunity while we're here."

"You know it won't be my first time?"

I cocked my head to the side. "Really?"

She blushed. "Yeah, Jake brings me down a bit...he's quite into it."

"That's right – the fucking ricer Silvia or some shit wasn't it?"

She patted me on the chest. "Be nice."

I clasped onto her hand and pulled her into my arms, leaving her fingers resting against my heart. "I can be nice..." I said. "But only because I get to do this..."

I pressed my lips to hers, pushing my tongue forward and running it along her upper lip. Her lips parted**,** and I sucked at her mouth, pulling her tongue into mine. I deepened the kiss, bringing my hand to her hair. When I drew away from Bella again she was breathless, her eyes hooded with lust. I just smiled and winked at her, before pulling the picnic blanket up off the ground and shoving it into the basket. I would have to thank Alice later for arranging this part of the day – although fuck knows how she'd known I'd forgotten.

I linked my hand with Bella's as we walked back to my car in silence. I began to wonder whether I was being selfish by dragging her to do the things I wanted. Once we reached my car I opened the boot and put the picnic basket inside. Bella slid into the passenger's seat without another word. I climbed into the car. "Unless you'd rather go home?" I said, anxiously.

She smiled at me, and shook her head. "No, I've enjoyed myself today. It really has been...perfect."

"And you want to go to the drags? I mean, we're kitted out in the suits and even have the helmets."

"It's fine, Edward. I told you, I've been with Jake before."

"Yeah, but have you driven?" I asked excited, almost guaranteeing I knew the answer.

She bit her lip and nodded. Fucking son of a bitch!

"So when Jakey-poo brings you down here, which one of you races _powder-puff_?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. I could see the pain that I had finally shifted begin to form on her features again.

"Fuck!" I exclaimed, her eyes shot to me. "Just forget I said that, okay? Please? I'm sorry...I just..." _can't fucking stand the fact that Jake has stolen everything in my life._ I couldn't tell her how that sentence was going to finish.

I turned to her. "Please? I'm sorry," I repeated, softer.

"It's fine, Edward. Let's just go to the drags." Her voice held a certain resignation that I knew well...and hated.

I shook my head. "I'm not moving this car until you forgive me. I was an ass, please forgive me."

Her lip twitched just a little. Then she smirked. "You were an ass."

"And?" I prompted.

She sighed. "And...I forgive you. As long as you promise to try to get along with Jake," she added quickly.

"I promise to _try._" I said.

"Fine then, let's go."

I grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles lightly. I drove the short distance to the Willowbank Raceway drag strip and joined the queue of cars that were here for the Street Meet. The tension in the car was still palpable, but Bella seemed as content to ignore it as I was. I paid our entry and drove into the pits. Bella sat quietly, playing with the stereo, while I began to unpack all the unnecessary shit from the car, and put it to one side to get a better time. I had just finished unpacking the baby seat when I looked up and saw a familiar shape climbing out of a gun-metal grey Silvia S14 which, judging by the number stuck in the window, was a regular here. It took me all of two seconds to work out who it was. Fucking Jake. "Fucking perfect..." I muttered to myself.

"What's the matter?" Bella asked, turning her head. If I hoped she wouldn't notice the fucker**,** I was disappointed almost immediately. She sighed audibly.

"It's fine, Bella," I said, through gritted teeth. "Do you want to go see him?"

I decided I would try to be the bigger man, the better man. The fucking best man. I knew I was – I just had to get Bella to see it.

She bit her lip**,** and I could see her desire to say yes warring with her anxiety about my possible reaction.

"Really, Bella, if you want to see him. Go. I'll finish unpacking the car, and then run it to scrutineering."

"Are you sure?"

I nodded, breathing heavily through my nose so that I wouldn't swear. I could do this. I could be the supportive person. I watched as she waved at him before walking over to his car. The fucker picked her up and gave her a giant bear hug. I turned away and let loose a stream of invective when she smiled widely and laughed at something he said. It just seemed so effortless between the two of them. The way we used to be. The way I wanted to be again. The way we almost were when no one else was involved. I pulled out the spare tyre and my toolbox, and placed them on the ground in our pit area. I risked a quick glance back towards Bella and Jake. He was pulling on the sleeve of her racing suit, and they were both laughing. Fucking asshole. I'd hoped that this would be a good date for Bella. To show her part of my world and why I found racing so addictive. But she just found it hilarious. I opened myself up to her**,** and she was fucking laughing with that fucker about it.

I kicked the tyre and let loose a low growl. Then I climbed into the car, starting the engine and kicking up dirt as I pulled the car out towards the scrutineering shed. I watched Bella in my rear-view mirror; her body was leaning against Jake's car, and she was talking to him still, but her eyes followed my car the whole way. I raked my hand through my hair as I thought about the disaster the date had become. I wanted to fix it, but I had no fucking clue how.

I climbed out of the car and passed my helmet and paperwork across for the officials to check. I popped the hood so they could check the engine mods and exhaust system. They wrote the class and temporary number in white shoe-polish on the rear-side window and told me I was good to go. I double checked that I'd signed Bella up for the powder-puff event. I just wished she would understand that no-one drove my car. Usually I didn't even allow valet's to touch the steering wheel. I was trying to show my trust in her, my love for her, in that small gesture. I'd told her so many times now that I knew saying it again would mean little, so I had to show her in my actions instead.

I drove back to the pit area and noticed that Jake had shifted his car to be in the space next to me. Fucking great. As if it wasn't bad enough knowing he was here, now I had to deal with him all fucking night. Bella jogged over to me when I was parked and pulled my door open. She knelt in front of me, placing one hand on my thigh, sending a charge down my leg and up my spine. "Try," she whispered to me, before pressing her lips to mine.

I closed my eyes and allowed my body to take control for a few minutes. I needed to stop over thinking this. I just needed to focus. I had to think of it like a race. I was used to being up on an opponent's ass on the track. If I was patient enough they would make a mistake and allow me to pass. It was the same thing here. Before long, Jake would make a mistake**,** and Bella would stop wasting her time with him.

"Anything for you, baby," I whispered against her lips, before opening my eyes again.

She smiled at my compliance. Her hand came into my hair. "Thank-you...for trying."

"It's not too late to go home if you want?" I offered. Truthfully I was anxious to get out on the strip and kick the fucker's ass, but if Bella asked me to leave I would.

"Are you kidding?" she said. "I wanna see what ET this thing gets."

I couldn't help the smirk that crossed my face. "Shall I go lay a time now then?"

She nodded and smiled. "I'll be watching from the stands."

"No," I said quickly. "Come with me, at least until you have to get out. I don't want to wait in the lanes alone."

Once we were in the lanes waiting for our turn on the strip I turned to Bella. "You know what? Why don't you take first go?"

She shook her head lightly.

"But you said you'd driven here before?"

"Yeah - my old Cortina. Jake convinced me to bring it the first time we ever came down."

"So Jake's never let you drive his car?"

She laughed. "Are you kidding me? As Jake always tells me there are two things of his I'll never touch...and one is his car."

"What's the other?" I asked, curious. I glanced over towards Bella; she was bright red and stifling a giggle. I thought about it for a second. "Oh...oh!"

She laughed heartily at something she saw on my face. Then she shrugged. "I told you – no competition." She placed her hand on my thigh, running it up to my crotch and pulling it away at the last second.

"Well...that decides it. You're taking the first run," I told her.

"I'd rather not...what if I break something."

I shrugged. "If you break something then I kill you," I deadpanned. "Relax, Bella, you'll be fine. You just took a car around a racetrack at 200km/hr. This is a simple straight-line. It's easy. There are really only three things to remember. Accelerate, change gears and brake."

"You're sure? Most guys are like uber-protective of their cars."

"I'm sure," I said, but it even sounded like a lie to me. "I mean, yeah, I'm one of those guys. But I trust you, Bella. I know you can do this."

On hearing my affirmation she squared her shoulders and nodded. "I'll do it."

I spent the next five minutes running through the finer details, when to take off – halfway between the second and third amber light usually worked, when to change gears – I told her speeds to change rather than having her worry about listening to the engine, and how to change gears quickly. When we got to staging I climbed out of the car**,** and she jumped in. She clutched nervously to the steering wheel, like she had in the race car. And like then, I reached my hand in through the window, placing my hand over hers until I felt her relax a little. "Good luck," I said as I gave her a peck on the cheek. "Just drive around, I'll meet you in the tower. I'll get your ET slip."

She nodded, and the look of fierce determination on her face was just so goddamned sexy. I tore myself away as she wound up the window. I ran off the track to stand in front of the tower and watch her pass. This may have only been practice**,** but I had a fucking hard-on watching her control my car. She launched it hard and drove it smoothly down the track for a 14.6 second pass. I smirked as I saw the time. Fuck Jake and his 14.8. Pussy.

I walked over to the tower to wait for the slip to give to Bella. Once I had it I turned to go meet Bella.

"Masen!"

I scowled when I heard my name called from behind me – but only because I knew the voice. I turned, forcing my face to form a smile, and walked back to Jake.

"Nice pass, man," he said with an air of forced civility.

"That wasn't me," I said, innocently.

He scrunched his forehead briefly, then he raised his eyebrow and smirked. "You think you're so clever don't you?"

I shrugged. "I don't know what you are talking about. I'm just here to show _my_ girl a good time."

Before he could react Bella pulled up in front of us. She practically bounced out of the car. "What did I do?" She asked, breathless. "It felt so fast."

"You did a 14.6, baby." I made a show of wrapping my arms around her and pulling her lips against mine. I was sure not to overdo it - it wouldn't do to have Bella thinking it was just a show for the fucker's benefit. I would have done it regardless, but it felt good to fucking show him what I could offer that he couldn't. "Do you want to go back 'round so I can have a run?"

She nodded. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and led her back to the car without a backwards glance toward Jake.

Score one – Edward Masen.

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**A/N :- So.... there's part two of the date (well the beginning at least). What do you think about Edward's choice of date? I've got an idea in mind for the BPOV reviewer scene but what scene would you like to read? **

**There's so much to do & say & I can't remember any of it now LOL so *mwah* thanks to all my twitter girls, thanks to my regular readers, thanks to my WC partners, my fic-wives & most importantly to my RL hubs (who changed his way to Manhoor BTW LOL - he's writing twifanfic as well, have you read it yet?) **


	33. It's all about the strategy

**Chapter 33: It's all about the strategy**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

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A/N: I know these things are typically short in the beginning & long at the end, but I promised a couple of people a quick run-down on drag racing. I will be brief and as accurate as I can (I have been--in fact I used to go often--but rules vary from country to country). For the "Street Series" (the event E&B are in) it is a handicapped style of racing. Each competitor gets 3 qualifying or practise runs before racing starts (Bella is racing the powder-puff division in Edward's car therefore she gets 3 runs, he gets 3 runs. Because powder-puff is female only & is a separate race they can both drive his car.) Then each driver has to select a "dial-in" time – basically you tell the officials how quickly you think you can make it to the end of the track. Obviously there are a lot of variables and generally practise runs are done during the day so the cars are a little slower than they are at night (the cool air tends to help performance).

**After the dial-in time is entered two competitors line up head to head on the strip. The "Christmas tree" is the starting light which times the competitors start. Where there is a difference in dial-in time the lights falling on the Christmas tree are staggered between the sides, giving the slower car a chance to win by giving them a head-start. In this way it is an extremely fair method of racing and anyone has a shot at winning – the 17 or 12 second car each have the same chance. **

**Each car has to enter "stage" which is basically a set of 2 break-beam lights, when the first beam is broken the top light comes on & a competitor is in "pre-stage". When the second beam is broken & both lights are on a competitor is in "stage". If a competitor creeps forward so that the first beam is no longer being broken, but the second one is, only the bottom light will be on and that's "deep-stage". Anything beyond that is a "red-light" because you are on/across the start line.**

**There are 3 amber lights, and you can't cross the start line before the 3rd one is off or you will get a red-light (which means you lose). It can be a matter of timing when you start your take off because the lights fall so quickly and human reaction time is slow in comparison. So you might learn to take off as soon as the 2nd amber light comes on, or maybe the 3rd, depending on your own ability & your cars. **

**The cars then race side-by-side down the length of the track. If either one crosses the centre line they are disqualified, and the win is awarded to the other driver. Then whoever crosses the finish line first (assuming they haven't red-lighted or crossed the centre-line) is the winner, providing they drive under their dialled-in time. If they go quicker than they said they would, the win is awarded to the other driver. This is done to ensure people don't dial-in at a slow time, to get a head start, and then drive fast. Like I said, it is a very fair form of racing.**

**I think that covers enough of the basics that you should be able to follow this chapter. Don't worry if you don't get it. I don't think it will ruin the experience. Now...on with the fun :)**

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I couldn't believe how fucking awesome the date had went. The morning and afternoon were just...well I didn't think _perfect_ was too strong a word. Then, just when I'd been worried about the whole thing being derailed by the appearance of the stray – Jake – it had turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I had done exactly what Bella asked me to do...I had _tried_. I had _tried_ not to be insulted at the insults and barbs he sent my way. I had _tried_ not to punch his face when he made a comment about how nice my ass looked in a racing suit. And I had _tried _not to be upset when he pulled a 14.5 out of his ass, beating Bella's time. Mostly, I was successful. It helped that for each insult Jake issued Bella seemed to get more affectionate.

When he said my ass looked good in a racing suit, she ran her hand over it and pressed her mouth to mine. When he made an 'off-the-cuff' comment about dead-beat dads, Bella wrapped her arms around my waist and quizzed me on what I had planned for tomorrow.

In retaliation to Jake's childish crap I decided to show him what I could offer Bella that he never could again...and again...and again. Bella didn't issue a single complaint when I wrapped my arms around her or frequently kissed her. Even when we were wrapped so tightly around each other we were practically fucking each other against the side of his car, she never whispered a word against me. Sure, I was marking my territory and letting the dog know she was mine, but at the same time it felt so fucking unbelievable to touch and kiss her it was hardly torture.

Bella's on-track ability in the powder-puff division was nothing short of amazing -- especially considering she hadn't raced in a long time and never in a performance vehicle like mine. I knew the most important thing in this style of racing was a good reaction time and consistent runs**; **she had both of those in spades. Each run she came within a fraction of a second of her dialled-in time. She only bowed out in the third round, technically coming in fourth place. I almost fucking died when I saw the cherry in her lane which indicated she had taken off a fraction too early. But she was happy with what she'd achieved and that made me happy.

I was pleased with the times I ran during my own practise runs. I found a consistency which had seen me through four rounds and lead me to be head-to-head with Jake. I drove my car onto my side of the track, then I ripped dropped my clutch. The tyres lost traction in the water on the track and my tyres smoked up into a burnout. I risked a glance at his car as the thick plumes of smoke rose from my rear tyres. My helmet restricted me a little, but I saw enough to notice the smart ass look on his face. I snarled at him as my car shot forward from the burnout and past the Christmas tree. I rolled backwards to prepare for staging. Jake pushed his car forward into pre-stage. I let my car inch forward into pre-stage, ensuring I didn't slip it into stage, I would let him go first in first. He revved his engine hard but didn't move any further forward. I knew he needed to spool his turbo before he would be able to leave the line, but if he revved his engine too much he would risk overheating it. So I wanted to ensure he had to wait the maximum time in stage, plus it was a psych-out being the first one in. Finally he jumped forward and the stage lights were lit. I had thirty seconds before I needed to be there or I would lose the race before we even started. _Let the mind-fuck begin, _I thought.

I waited ten seconds. Twenty seconds. I heard Jacob revving his engine hard, trying to spool the turbo enough to give him a good time down the track. Fool.

I let twenty-five seconds pass, and waited for a dip in the revving of Jake's engine, before I finally pushed my car into full-stage. Almost as soon as I did, the Christmas tree lit up. I had dialled in a time of 14.2 so I had a .3 second delay before I could chase Jake down. Amber-amber-amber fell on his side, and then, so quickly the difference was almost imperceptable, the lights fell on mine. He launched his car hard. I hit my accelerator between the second and third ambers on my side of the tree. Once I left the line, I risked a quick glance in my rear-vision mirror. The green lights were on for both sides of the track. I blew a quick sigh of relief. Part one – get away clean – was a success. Part two – chase the dog down and get ahead of him – was just beginning. I watched as my car edged closer and closer to his. I was level with his rear quarter-panel. Then his passenger door. Finally, I closed in on the nose of his car. I snapped through the gears as quickly as I could, using my left foot to hit the clutch – my right foot barely left the accelerator. Despite the speed of the run it felt like time had stopped. It was mid-track, just over eight seconds into the run, when I saw him dropping away behind me, agonisingly slowly, but he was going. I was ahead. I was winning. Fuck yes!

I reached the end of the track half a car ahead of him. I gave myself a mental fist-pump. I'd shown that little pup what it takes to be a real fucking race-car driver. I glanced in my rear-vision mirror to see the light on the time boards that would confirm my win.

My jaw dropped. I slammed the brakes on hard, pulling the car to an almost complete stop. I couldn't possibly be seeing what I was seeing.

The win light was on... but in _his_ lane.

Jake's car continued to roll smoothly off into the distance in front of me, turning the corner at the end of the braking area and out of sight. I stared blankly at the board behind me. My head was reeling. Two questions -- 'What the fuck?' and 'How?'-- played on an endless, alternating loop through my mind.

I finally put my car back into gear and edged it around the end of the braking area. I watched from the end of the road as Bella ran to Jacob's car, elapsed-time slip in hand. He jumped from the driver's seat and pulled her into a bear hug. I ground my teeth as he kissed her cheek. I wanted to ram my car into the back of his. The fucker! How dare he kiss _my_ woman like that -- especially after what had just happened. I still couldn't understand how I had lost. To him. Everything in my fucking life went to him. I kept on coming in behind him. I just couldn't win. I could never win. Not with Bella, or Phoebe, or anything elsein my life. I may as well cut off my balls and hand them to him considering he seemed to own everything else I cared about.

I revved my engine loudly and rolled the car forward a little further. I watched as Bella disentangled herself from Jacob and glanced back at my car. I stared impassively as a wide grin came across her face and she waved the slip in front of her. Jacob walked off towards the tower. I realised that she had grabbed my slip even though I was the loser. I frowned in confusion. She ran towards my car. She didn't pause before jumping in the passenger seat. She leaned across the car and kissed me passionately.

"Congratulations, Edward." She grinned at me.

I grew even more confused. Why the hell was she congratulating me? "I fucking lost didn't I?"

"Only because you _smashed_ your dial-in time." Her enthusiasm was a little contagious**,** and I felt my lips curling up...slightly.

"What did I get?" I asked. I reached out to grab the elapsed time from her, but she pulled it away at the last second and giggled.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Tell me," I commanded.

"Or?" She raised her eyebrow and giggled again, hiding the slip of paper behind her back.

"Or..." I pulled the car out of gear and reefed on the handbrake. I twisted in my seat to get leverage and leaned across the car, pressing my lips to hers. I kissed her deeply, pushing her into the passenger door. I snuck my arms around her waist as she moaned into my mouth. I snatched the piece of paper off her and sunk back into my own seat, trying to calm my raging hard-on. I glanced at the paper, it showed my elapsed time was 13.9. Fuck yes! It was the first time I'd run sub 14's at a drag strip. Not that dragging was that common a pastime for me, but I'd gone often enough to be fucking elated with that time.

Between my time and Bella staring at me with come-fuck-me eyes the fact that I'd lost began to mean little. I felt like throwing the ET slip out the window and fucking Bella right here, right now, but I knew I couldn't. Instead, I put the car in gear, released the hand-brake and drove to the pit area.

"Did you want to watch his last race?" I asked her.

She shook her head and smiled at me. "I'd rather help you pack up. It's been a long day. I think I'm ready to go home."

I nodded. I was ready to head home too. I packed as quickly as I could. I'd just finished securing the spare wheel back into the boot when a thought occurred to me. I sat on the edge of the boot and turned to Bella.

"It was a good day though, yeah?" I asked, feeling uncertain about my choices again.

She walked over to me and pushed her body between my legs. Then she ran a finger from my forehead, down my nose and rested it on my lips. "You are so cute when you are insecure."

I laughed. "Edward Masen is _never_ insecure."

She quirked her eyebrow at me.

I shrugged. "I got a rep to protect."

She giggled and dropped her finger, before kissing me softly on the lips. "It was a good day."

I wrapped my arms around her back and rested my forehead against her chest. "I'm glad."

I lifted my head and captured her lips. My eyes closed of their own accord as I pushed my tongue forward towards her mouth. My entire body was aware of her proximity**.** I wanted her so badly. A small groan and parted lips told me she was as anxious for me as I was for her. I lay my hands along her chin and pulled her mouth harder against mine. I wrapped my legs around her hips, pinning her into me. I relished the sensation of her taste and smell. Everything about her drew me in.

It was only when I heard an engine revving beside us that I became aware of my surroundings again. I ran my fingers into her hair and exhaled a breath I hadn't been aware I was holding. "Let's go home," I whispered, releasing the physical hold I had on her.

She nodded.

"Go say good-bye," I said, nodding my head in Jake's direction. "I'll finish packing up."

It took less than fifteen minutes to get everything else back in the car. I didn't worry about changing back into normal clothes because we would be driving straight home to Mum's place to pick Phoebe up anyway, so I could shower there.

Once I was finished I waited for Bella. I watched as she and Jake laughed about something and wished again that it could be that easy between her and me. I decided to be the bigger man–again–and walked over to them.

"Congratulations, Jake," I said stiffly. I may have been trying, but I couldn't find it in myself to be friendly.

"Ummm...yeah...thanks, Edward," he said in response, shocked at my words. "Are you leaving now?" He looked briefly to Bella and mouthed something. She nodded slightly as if in response. It was almost like there was some 'in' secret between the two of them.

"Yes, _Bella and I _were just about to go," I replied, wrapping my arms tightly around Bella from behind. I didn't even realise that I was rubbing my hard-on against her ass at first. But then she pushed back against it. I imagined pushing myself pushing forward into her from this angle, my hands cupping her breasts. I groaned in response to the mental image. Bella stifled a giggle. "Are you ready?" I asked with my lips against her neck.

"You don't know how ready I am," she replied in a breathy whisper that sent aches running through my body. Damn the hour-long drive home.

* * *

Once we were enveloped in the darkness of the night in the car it was even harder to take my mind off of Bella. As I checked the rear-view mirror I saw flashes of her face lit by the headlights of oncoming cars. My car was filled with the heady scent of desire, with an undercurrent of sweet sweat from the race-suits. Every breath I drew filled my mind with thoughts of Bella. I was being driven mad with desire. I didn't know how I would be able to just drop her off at home after collecting Phoebe, with nothing . But technically this was our first real date not including the vomiting disaster at McDonald**'**s or the friendly shopping trip. Surely it wasn't right to fuck her mindlessly on the first date, but God I wanted to.

We were halfway home when my phone rang. I answered it on the hands-free. It was Mum letting me know Phoebe was fast asleep. After a quick discussion with Bella it was agreed that we would leave Phoebe undisturbed at Mum's, because she was going to have a big day tomorrow – we all were.

Bella sat chewing her lip for the rest of the drive. I planned to drop her off at home before going back to Mum's house to shower and sleep. I could bring Phoebe around in the morning and collect Bella. It would mean being alone with Phoebe, but I was sure I could cope with that for the length of a car trip. I pulled into Bella's driveway, climbed out of the car and grabbed her clothes out of the boot. Like me, she was still in her racing suit.

I followed behind her as she walked to her front door. She hadn't left the porch light on so the black beneath the eaves was almost absolute. I could only see a vague outline of her body. Yet I could tell the she was regarding her feet with great interest.

"Well..." I started.

"Would you like..." Bella said at the same time, slowing raising her head to look at me.

"You go," I told her.

"Would you like to come in for a drink?" I could see her eyes clearly despite the intervening night. They stared at me, pleading silently for something as she continued to worry her lower lip.

I nodded before raising my thumb to release her lips from between her teeth. I dipped my head and drew her lower lip between mine sucking on it a little. Her eyes closed, and her breathing hitched. My own breathing was unsteady, but it was nothing like my panic attacks. This was a type of breathlessness I enjoyed. The type I only ever experienced around Bella. I stepped back, and in the darkness the memory of her taste lingered on my mouth.

Bella quickly pulled her keys from her bag and raised them to the door. Her hand was shaking as she tried to find the right key. As I had done earlier in the day, I put my hand over hers to steady it. The thrill that passed between her skin and mine was almost too much to handle. I stepped closer to her, pressing myself against her back. She leaned into me, all thoughts of keys, doors, and drinks, seemingly forgotten. The black of night surrounded us like a blanket, cocooning us in our own private world. I used my other hand to brush the hair over one shoulder before I pressed my lips to her neck. She softly murmured my name to the air.

I reached my hand around to the front of her, slowly drawing down the zip on her suit. I unzipped it the whole way. My hand crawled from the zipper to her stomach, working its way beneath her shirt. I moaned and increased the intensity of my mouth on her throat as my fingers found her nipples. I heard a jingle as the keys left her hand and hit the ground. Her hand came into my hair, pressing my face harder into her neck. She fisted her fingers in my hair**,** and I bit the skin of her throat. My hands became possessed, working with only one intention. Nudity. I yanked at the arms of her suit, pulling them softly away from her delicate skin. I worked the back of her bra, releasing the clasp. My mouth only left her throat for the briefest of moments as I swept her t-shirt off over her head.

One of my hands gathered both of hers and pinned them against the door in front of us. My other explored the smooth plains of her back and reached around to caress her warm breasts. I watched my fingers play with her nipples over her shoulder. I knew I could wait no longer. I needed to possess her now. It was a primal urge that built from deep within.

My free hand pushed down on her suit until it fell to puddle around her ankles. The almost non-existent moonlight seemed to search out Bella's skin as desperately as I did and shimmered slightly off her. The radiant beauty of it spurred me on. One word from her and I would have stopped, but all she offered were soft mews and moans as my fingers explored her body. My mouth moved from her neck to her shoulder and across her back as my free hand began to work on freeing me from my own confines. I released Bella's hands as I stripped out of my suit, but she compliantly left them where I had placed them. After I had removed all barriers between her and me, I used my knee to spread her legs a little, grazing across her arousal in the process. She was warm and wet and ready for me. I needed her. I needed _us_.

I grabbed hold of my shaft and ran the tip once down toward her heat. Her head fell forward and I could tell she had her lip between her teeth again by the way her moan was stifled. I pushed myself forward into her, filling her completely. This wasn't the way I had planned our first new encounter, but I couldn't resist her one second longer. I braced my hands on the door, placing them slightly above Bella's head. She placed her hands over mine and intertwined her fingers with mine. She pushed her body back to meet me as I pushed forward into her. I had been waiting for this moment for so fucking long I knew I wouldn't be able to make it last, especially not the way she was pushing her ass back into me. I couldn't care. In this moment I was being selfish, taking her, possessing her, with little regard for anything else as I took my own pleasure in hard, fast thrusts. I shook loose of one of her hands, she laid her palm back on the door as she pushed into me again. My hand grazed along her body, desperately needing to touch every inch of her skin, to commit it to memory as if this were a one-time thing.

I grunted when she whispered my name reverently. My hands wrapped around her body, and I lifted her against me, one hand against her throat, the other brushing her clit. Her head fell back onto my shoulder, and I nibbled on her earlobe. I felt my desire for her rise before spilling my seed warmly into her. I panted roughly against her neck, aware that she had not been granted the same release, but I was spent. I braced my hands against the door again, whispering her name repeatedly into her neck like a prayer to heaven.

My breathing began to steady, and the strength began to return to my body. "Fuck, Bella, I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I'm not," she murmured.

I pushed softly off the door and slid my hands down her back, running my fingers softly across her hips and down the backs of her legs. I dropped to the ground to collect the keys fumbling in the darkness to find them on the doorstep. Finally I heard the rewarding jingle as my hand brushed past them. I clutched onto them, desperate to get inside and show Bella that I wasn't just a selfish ass.

I ran my tongue across the back of her thighs and kissed the base of her spine as I worked my way back up to a standing position. I placed the keys in her hands. She fingered through them quickly in search for the right one. Her hand was steadier as she pushed the key into the door. She stepped out of her suit and through the now open door. She turned back towards me, her naked skin still radiating softly in moonlight, and I knew I was done for.

I would worship her temple...repeatedly. Starting right now.

I stepped forward and swept her into my arms, kissing her deeply.

I kicked the door shut behind us, leaving our discarded clothes where they lay on the porch...casualties of our lust.

**

* * *

**

A/N:- There will most definitely, absolutely be a BPOV reviewer scene for this chap, because it's already written :D I will be sending it out when I get home from work for any reviews waiting in my box.

And can I just say a really mega-huge thank-you to everyone who has read/reviewed/fav'd/anything this story. I really love RCE and I'm glad that so many of you do too. I am absolutely squeeing at the moment because if I have guessed my regular reviewers number right (BTW - I love you guys, I love hearing what you think) I should pass 1000 reviews with this chapter. Just the thought of being in the 1K club makes my heart pound and my palms sweaty.

I'm doing a Carlisle POV outtake of CV for Fics for Nashville. To be honest it will probably be the only Carlisle POV I can see myself doing (although I try to never say never) here is details if you want to donate & get a copy of the fics. There are some absolutely amazing authors giving stories to this cause so it will be worth the donation http:// community (.) livejournal (.) com/ficsfornash/474 (.) html


	34. Breakthrough

**Chapter 34: Breakthrough**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

I pushed Bella further back into the house, tasting her mouth and pulling her body against me. We collided with the wall, and I ground against her. My fingers found their way into her, gliding in and out slowly. Her mouth opened wide as her eyes shut and her head fell back against the wall. My palm grazed against her clit as I slid into her repeatedly. I felt her tightening around my fingers, and I withdrew them.

She whimpered softly. "Please," she begged, pushing her hips forward.

"Soon," I whispered against her hair. "But first..." I bent down, grabbed her around the waist and threw her over my shoulder. She squealed and protested as I carried her down the hallway. I pushed open the door to the bathroom and placed her on the floor in front of the shower. It was one of those old shower over a bathtub style things**,** and from the first time I'd seen it I had dreamed of doing exactly what I was about to.

I turned on the water, checking it to ensure the temperature was just right. Once it was, I turned to look at Bella. She stood waiting patiently, chewing on her lip with a confused look on her face. I offered her my hand and helped her under the water. I knew that after a day of sweating in the suits being under the water would feel like fucking heaven. I grabbed the soap and began to gently wash her perfect body. I paid particular attention to her breasts, using my hand instead of the rough loofah on the delicate skin. As the water washed away the soap I pressed my mouth to her wet nipples, tasting her as I sucked the water into my mouth. I reached for her shampoo, and she tried to bat my hand away. I grabbed hold of her hand and brought it to my lips. "Let me make up for the front door," I whispered against her skin. "I want to worship every inch of you."

She nodded minutely in response to my words.

I lathered up the shampoo in my hands before running my fingers through her hair. Being so close to her, touching her so intimately, but so innocently was beginning to drive me crazy again. I felt myself growing hard, but I worked to contain myself. I rinsed the shampoo from her hair and repeated the process with the conditioner. Bella moaned as my fingers raked against her scalp and again as they ran down her neck.

After I finished with her hair, I curled my finger under her chin and used it to guide her face to mine. I kissed her lazily, taking my time to experience the sensation of the water on her lips and the difference in her taste under the warm water. I ran my hands along her body as I began to kiss my way down towards her chest. I spent some time circling there, nipping and licking the water from her. She murmured and muttered desperate pleadings for me to take her, but I couldn't...not yet. I wrapped my hands around the tops of her thighs and pushed my face against her stomach, kissing my way agonisingly slowly towards her pussy. I licked my lips in anticipation as I watched small droplets of water from the shower touching her intimately. My tongue slid forward and collected the droplets into my mouth, barely grazing her skin in the process.

The guttural groan from above me was as sweet as an angel's voice. I pushed forward hard with my mouth as I pulled with my hands. I sucked on her clit, relishing the flavour of the water that cascaded around her. Her hands came into my hair as she leaned back further into the stream. I swirled the water on her clit with my tongue. She moaned as it danced across the surface. I used the whole of my mouth to stroke her pussy back and forth with the tip of my tongue. I risked a quick glance up her body. Her eyes closed and her entire body shook slightly.

"Sit back," I commanded in a whisper as I twisted her around to sit at the end of the bathtub. I adjusted the angle of the shower so that the stream of water landed on her hips and thighs. She squeezed her legs tightly together. Her breathing came in shallow pants**,** and she continued to shiver slightly as her desire spiked. I knelt in front of her, before pressing her knees into the sides of the tub, allowing the water from the shower to cascade warmly over her pussy. She dropped her head back, her breath shallowing out further. "Oh, fuck," she cried.

I ran my fingers around the tops of her thighs, eliciting a moan. I pressed my fingers into her again, working them slowly, watching with great fucking interest as they slipped in and out of her entrance.

"Fucking hell, Bella," I said. "I need you."

She shook her head swiftly and then raised it so that her eyes met mine. "No...I need you. So bad."

I quickly assessed her current position. She was against the hard tub, her legs spread wide and the water was starting to cool. I decided I would torture her with just one more move – for her own comfort. I stood and turned off the shower, before stepping out onto the bathroom floor.

She groaned in frustration, which made me laugh. I reached my hand down and helped her up and out of the tub.

"I don't want you getting sick," I murmured as I wrapped a towel around her shoulders. She started to towel dry herself off, but seeing the beads of water resting on her breasts and clinging to her pussy made me want to lick them off myself so I held up my hand to stop her.

"Just your hair," I whispered, my voice low and hoarse.

She smiled wickedly at me as she fluffed the towel through her hair. I watched excitedly as one of the beads of water on her shoulder collided with another, growing heavy. My eyes followed it as it made its descent along her body. I raised my hand and followed the path with my finger. I grabbed the towel off Bella, and wrapped it around her back, using it to pull her into the bedroom. She sat down on the edge of the bed**,** and I gently pushed her to lie down with the towel beneath her. I collected the remaining droplets of water with my mouth, kissing, licking and nipping her entire body. She was writhing beneath me before long, begging repeatedly for me to enter her.

We quickly shuffled up the bed so I could lie down with her. I wrapped myself over and around her completely, pinning her to the bedstaring deep into her eyes as I entered her for the second time. I hissed as I slid into the warmth of her pussy. Her eyes rolled back as she gave a fuck-sexy cry of relief and ecstasy. I moved with her slowly, unwilling to release her eyes which were filled with a love and desire that damn near broke my heart. How had I missed four years of this? I was a fool. A fucking arrogant fool. I was never going to get better than this...better than _us_.

I kissed her softly on the lips and proclaimed again how much I loved her.

"I'm yours," was all she could mumbled in response before her body clenched tightly beneath me as her nerve endings sang. She cried out loudly again as she came hard. I continued to move so she could ride out her orgasm, but then I stilled. I wanted to remain in this moment forever.

I rose up onto my elbows and brushed her hair off her face. "I am so fucking sorry for everything I did to us," I whispered, my voice cracking.

She raised her hand to my face and wiped away a tear I didn't even realise had fallen.

"I won't say it's okay, because we both know it's not. I've been to hell and back, Edward." Her tears started to fall. "But I forgive you. I love you."

I dropped my head to her chest so she wouldn't see the tears that were now falling in earnest. A sob overtook my body, followed by another. I clung onto Bella's shoulders tightly as I sobbed against her chest. I never wanted to fucking let go again.

* * *

I had no idea how long I had clung to Bella before finally succumbing to sleep, but obviously at some point I had. I was lying on my back and felt her hand running through my hair as I came to my senses. I lifted my hand quickly, grabbing hers and bringing it to my lips. She gasped at my sudden movement**,** and I smiled with her fingers still pressed to my mouth.

I finally opened my eyes to look at my fucking beautiful angel. She was on her side, head resting on her other hand, elbow bent supporting her on the bed. I released her hand**,** and it resumed its strokes through my hair.

"Good morning, gorgeous," I said.

"Morning." She tucked herself into my side, resting her head on my shoulder. "I still can't believe you're here, like this."

I pulled her closer. "Believe it. I'm not going anywhere, Bella. Not unless you send me away."

"What about my family?"

I curled my finger under her chin and raised it so she was looking at my face. "Do they want you to be happy?"

She nodded. "Of course they do."

"Well, do I make you happy?"

She smiled.

I lifted my head and kissed her softly. "Then we'll work it out."

"I don't know how you can have such blinding optimism after the week you've had," she said.

"I guess it's just easy to be optimistic when I've got a fuck-hot woman in my arms."

She slapped my chest lightly. "And here I thought we were having a moment of honesty."

"I am being honest." I stroked my hand lightly up and down her side. "Are we really going to do it today?" I asked quietly, silently praying Bella knew what I meant without me having to say the words out loud.

Bella was quiet for a while, making me wonder if perhaps she hadn't understood. Just when I was about to clarify, she spoke. "It's up to you. But I don't want to tell her anything if you are going to disappear again."

"I've told you..."

"I know. And _mostly _I believe you. It's just...well, I guess history has taught me to be on guard."

"I know, Bella. I told you last night. I'm sorry for all the shit I've done, and I know it's nothing compared with what you've had to deal with, but my life has been shit these last few years. At the time I guess I thought I was doing okay, but I couldn't sleep, I had nightmares, and I took copious amounts of sleeping tablets just to be able to function. I had panic attacks that I had to keep hidden from everyone or risk my job. Now, having you in my arms like this...sleeping like I did last night...it makes me realise how bad I let things get."

She kissed my chest softly. "Let's not get into the past now. You've got something planned for us for today – let's just go pick up Phoebe and get this show on the road."

I smiled and nodded. "Sounds good, although..." I trailed off deliberately.

"Although what?" she asked.

I rolled myself onto my side before pushing her over onto her back. I climbed between her legs and rested my pelvis against hers. "Although I can think of something I wouldn't mind doing before going."

She grinned at me. "And what's that?"

"You." I captured her lips as my hands began to wander.

* * *

A little over an hour later we pulled up in front of Mum's house. I had dive-bombing butterflies in my stomach thinking about what the day would bring. To Phoebe I would start the day as Mummy's friend, but I would finish the day as her daddy. Just thinking the word brought a lump to my throat. I didn't know how we were going to tell her. Bella and I had discussed it while we showered and threw on some clothes. We discussed it again as we drove in the car on the way from Bella's house, and we were still no closer to a decision. Instead, we simply agreed to wing it. To tell her together when we thought the moment was right.

When we entered the house Phoebe practically launched herself into Bella's arms with a squealed "Mummy!"

I bit my lip as I watched their interactions. It damn near made my heart explode. I felt breathless and anxious, but I knew I wasn't having a panic attack. At least not yet. I had to stop myself from wrapping them both up in a group hug, choosing to walk over to Mum instead.

"Did you two have fun yesterday?"

She nodded. "How was your date?"

"It was fucking awesome, Mum." I beamed. I saw Bella give me the evil eye when I said 'fucking'. Shit, I'd have to watch my language.

"I need to talk to you quickly before you go," Mum said, wringing her hands together. She turned towards the bedroom,obviously wanting some privacy, which had the butterflies in my stomach kick up their aerial acrobatics another notch. What could be so bad she didn't want to say it in front of Bella? Or was it about her? I began to picture all the worst case scenarios. The optimism Bella had accused me of having this morning seeped away as I followed Mum. She walked into my room and shut the door behind us.

"You and Bella?" She asked. "You seem to be getting back on track."

I nodded, afraid to attempt to speak through the fear that was constricting my throat.

"I mean, I know you've got a long way to go, but she's there for you."

"I guess." I squeezed out. "At least, I hope so."

She sighed and seemed relieved. I felt the anxiety slip away a little. It can't have been anything bad to do with Bella and me if she was relieved...could it?

"I've decided..." she started, but trailed off.

"What, Mum? Tell me?" I spoke as softly as I could, trying to coax her around whatever nerves she was feeling.

"I'm leaving your father." The words fell out in a tumble and seemed to take the last of her strength. She sat on the edge of my bed and stared into space.

I sat next to her. I supposed it was a little strange, but I was happy for her. No, more than happy. I was fuck-ass thrilled for her. She needed to get away from that prick. More than that she needed to burn him for everything he had. I would have to talk to Bella to see if she knew any good divorce lawyers. No, not good ones – great ones. Ones that would take everything he owned except the shirt off his back – and maybe even that. I would help cover the costs. I didn't care. It wasn't about the money; it was about ensuring that bastard got what was coming to him.

"That's great, Mum," I said as softly as I could manage. I could see the look of devastation on her face**,** and me whooping it up in celebration probably wasn't such a good idea at the moment. "If you need anything...anything at all...I'm here for you."

She shook her head slightly. "I was thinking of going away for a while. Far away."

"Where?"

She shrugged. "Anywhere. I've just taken everything out of the savings account. That should keep me going for a while. I was thinking maybe London to start."

"That's sounds good," I said. "It worked fucking wonders for me."

"You're not upset?" She sounded surprised.

"Why the fuck would I be upset?"

"Because I'm breaking up our family."

"That ass-wipe broke up this family long ago when he began disrespecting you." _And Bella_, I added mentally. I still owed him an ass-whooping over that. I wondered if he realised he would be better off staying as far from me as possible while I was still in Brisbane. Just the thought of him in that bathroom made my hands curl into tight fists.

"Edward, please don't..." She was going to defend him.

I was incredulous and cut her off. "Look, Mum, I'm happy you are leaving him, ecstatic even, because he is a fucktard of a human being. He seriously needs to get a personality realignment or something. Until then...he can go to hell."

"I don't want to cause problems between you and your father."

"_You_ aren't. Any problems are his own doing."

She shook her head.

"Look, Mum, seriously I think it's great you are going away. Do this for yourself. Bella and I will be fine without you – we're heading down the right track at least. You need to be selfish for a while. So book your fucking ticket and go."

"It's booked," she whispered.

"Excellent. When do you leave?"

"Wednesday week."

Fuck. I looked around the room in a blind panic, trying to calm myself. If Mum left a week from Wednesday that meant I only had a week and a half of being here. I couldn't stay with Dad on my own. I'd beat the living shit out of him on the first day. I shuddered as I wondered whether he'd use the opportunity to move Jess 'the tramp' in here. I wondered whether Mum would want to leave the house sooner. I wondered for a second if Bella would let me stay with her, but knew it was too early for that. As much as I slept better when she was beside me, I knew it wasn't fair to Phoebe to tell her I was her daddy then force myself into her life and into her house.

"Have you talked to Dad?" I asked, tentatively.

"Not yet. I'm going to tell him not to bother coming home though. He's got an apartment near the city that he doesn't think I know about. He can stay there."

I nodded, breathing a sigh of relief for myself. "Is that where _she_ lives?"

Mum nodded sadly and wiped an errant tear from her face. "But I'm ruining your day here." She plastered on a fake smile. "I'll be alright. You go have fun with your two beautiful girls."

I pulled her into a hug. "You don't want to come with us?"

She shook her head. "No, I want you and Bella to have some alone time; Lord knows you need it. And you need to bond with that precious little thing, Edward. Don't make the same mistakes your father did."

"I won't." I couldn't. Whenever I thought of Phoebe I felt nothing but regret for how much time I had lost.

I stood, helping Mum to her feetthen gave her shoulders a quick squeeze.

Bella turned to me with a confused expression when I came back into the living room. "You okay?" she mouthed.

I smiled and nodded. I was about to spend the day with the two most precious things to me.

Who wouldn't be okay?

* * *

**A/N :- Just wanted to say thank you so much to all my readers / reviewers. Last chapter was my highest reviewed...ever. I'm still in awe that I've hit the 1000 mark. Thanks to everyone who reads, reviews, recs etc etc etc :) **

**I'm not sure if I've done any rec's lately but if you want a rec look in my fav's. My current must-read, drop everything for fics are Smoking in the Boys Room, Love in My Box, Guardian, Swirl & Daisy, Expectations & Other moving pieces and Master of the Universe. **

**A big congrats to my fic-wifey & beta Corrinatff for picking up Judge's choice in the Cannon Fodder contest. Go check out her story "A Life Eternal" it's on FFn under her author name or go here to see her banners :) http://www (.) twcslibrary (.) ?sid=1969 congrats again bb you know I think you rock**

**My hubs (Manhoor) has been busy working on chapter 3 of his ManFic Quarter Mile Lovers - go read the first two chaps and catch up. It's about the going on's in a top fuel drag team. Bella as a back-up chick, Edward the crew-chief, Rosalie and Emmett as drivers on opposing teams. Lots of fun :)**


	35. Wiggle room

**Chapter 35: Wiggle room**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

I got Bella and Phoebe loaded up into the car as quickly as I could. I was so anxious to get the day underway. Or maybe I was just anxious to get the white elephant out in the open. I kept glancing in the rear-view mirror as Phoebe danced away in her car seat to the music on the radio. Each time I did, my heartbeat ramped up a notch, and I grew more terrified of her reaction. She didn't know me. _I_ barely knew me anymore. How could I force myself into her life like this? How were we even going to begin to tell her? Would she even understand when we did tell her? Would the word mean anything to her? I thought back to the afternoon I had spent with the two of them in the meadow and realised she would absolutely understand. She would either accept or reject me**,** and there was not a damn fucking thing I could do about it.

Bella's hand touched mine, snapping me from my thoughts. She must have sensed my blind panic creeping up. She squeezed tightly, silently letting me know she was there for me and the fear dissipated. I was still a little anxious, but the suffocating terror was gone. I gave her a small smile before turning back to the road.

"Where are you taking us?" Bella asked. I still hadn't told her exactly where we were going, even though she'd insisted on knowing so she could pack Phoebe's bag. I had onlytold her that we were going to be out for the day.

"You'll see." I kept my eyes trained on the road. I had so many conflicting emotions and thoughts in my head that it wouldn't take much for her to get the answer from me in that moment. She would find out soon enough anyway. We were already over halfway to the Gold Coast and about ten minutes from my planned destination.

I hoped to give Phoebe the best day out I possibly could, and the theme parks in Queensland were world renowned. I had done a little research to find out the best one for kids under four**,** and all fingers pointed to Dreamworld or Sea World. I didn't want to spend the entire fucking day watching sea animals doing stupid tricks, so that left Dreamworld. Bella knew our destination as soon as I pulled the car into the car park.

"Edward? Why?" Bella asked.

"Because you two deserve a fu--treat." I caught myself just in time.

"But this is too much. I haven't brought any food or anything with us. It'll cost too much."

"My shout."

"Have you seen their prices...?" I put my finger on her lips.

"I said my shout. Now, we're going there, no arguments and no worrying about what it costs."

She regarded me for a minute.

"Please?" I asked. "I'm sure Phoebe would love to see the Wiggles."

Phoebe squealed and jumped around at the mention of the W word**,** and Bella was caught. It was a dirty trick on my part, but I didn't care. It got me what I wanted.

"Fine."

I lined up at the ticket booth and was instantly plagued by people wanting my autograph. I wanted to tell them all to fuck offand that I was trying to have a day with my daughter, but I knew I couldn't. I was stuck between looking like an ass if I said yes and looking like a prick if I said no. I stood and signed everything that was pressed in front of my face. In the end Bella came to my side brandishing the entry tickets.

"You didn't have to do that," I said. Then I dropped my voice, "I'm sorry, I've ruined it already – haven't I?" I ruined everything just by being Edward fucking Masen.

She shook her head. "It's not your fault, besides – look how happy you've made them."

I saw one of the men who had got me to sign something pass it to his young son. I would have guessed the boy was nine or ten, fucked if I knew for sure, but the smile on his face as he looked at the grubby pen mark I had left on his hat was astonishing. It actually meant something to him. I was awed, and a little humbled. I had never really paid much attention to the aftermath of a signature frenzy. I was always more concerned with the cramp in my hand and the time I had wasted. Trust Bella to notice the smaller, but infinitely more important, things like the look on one little boy**'**s face. I wrapped one arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head.

"Thank you," I murmured into her hair.

"For what?" She asked, bemused.

"For being you."

She smiled and dropped her head onto my shoulder.

I stood just basking in her presence for a second before letting her go and announcing. "Let's get this show on the road."

We walked through the entry gates, and I watched as Phoebe's face lit up in excitementwhen she saw the fountain. I didn't get what the big deal was, it was just a fucking fountain, but the way her face exploded into a smile was just perfect. I couldn't help but let my enthusiasm take over.

I crouched down in front of her. "Where would you like to go first, Phoebe? Wiggles or the animals?"

"Umm... Wiggles." She jumped a little as she said the word.

"Wiggles it is, because today, little miss, _you _are in charge."

I stood and looked around to figure out which way we needed to go. I pointed in the right direction. "That'a'way."

Phoebe ran off excitedly. I linked hands with Bella**,** and we followed closely behind. I wondered if Bella knew just how nervous I still was. She was letting me take charge and control the situation and for that I was thankful. I felt like I was being given the opportunity to bond with my little princess. I laughed when Phoebe came to a dead stop upon seeing the entry into Wiggle's world. I saw her turn to Bella, her eyes wide as saucers. I stifled a chuckle. She was just too fucking cute.

I sensed that Bella was hanging back, walking a step behind me. I looked over to her**,** and she nodded slightly in Phoebe's direction. I felt my heart in my throat as I crouched in front of Phoebe again. "What do you think?" I asked her.

"Hoy there, hearty," she said, moving her arm across her chest. Bella laughed**,** and I looked at them both like they'd gone nuts. In fact, I was sure they both had.

"It's what Captain Feathersword says," Bella explained. It still meant shit to me, but they both seemed to be enjoying the laugh they were having. I wasn't about to spoil it by asking who the fuck Captain Feathersword was supposed to be. "That's his boat behind you."

I turned and there was a bright green and red monstrosity that was obviously supposed to be a pirate ship on the water. Phoebe looked like she was about to have kittensin the way she was bouncing around so excitedly. "Did you want to go look?" I asked.

She smiled brightly and nodded. "Yes, please."

I held out my hand, and she took hold of my pinky without question before running off in the direction of the boat. I paced quickly to keep up with her as she dragged me along. There wasn't much to see on it -- just a few activities and games - I didn't care. Phoebe practically bounded from one end to the other before stopping at a porthole. She was just a little too short to look out of it. I knelt next to her and let her stand on my leg to get the extra height. I saw a flash out of the corner of my eye and glanced in that direction. Bella was standing with a smile on her face and a camera in her hand.

"Sorry," she said. "I couldn't resist a photo op like that."

I just smirked at her. I knew that today would be full of shit I wouldn't dream of doing on my own – kiddie rides and boring animals – but I knew I would endure every minute of it to keep a smile on my girls' faces.

"Edward – look." Phoebe tugged on my shirt collar and pointed in the direction of a man in a ridiculous costume. He had black pants and boots, a puffy white pirate shirt, and a red and gold vest. In his hand he clutched a massive purple and pink feather. On his head he wore a pirate hat with a feather that matched the onehe was holding. I couldn't stifle the chuckle this time. Phoebe was off towards him in a second, dragging me along with her by my finger. Bella skipped up to my side. "_That's_ Captain Feathersword," she whispered with a chuckle.

_Figures._ I wondered briefly how much they must pay him to walk around in that get-up all fucking day, then I figured it wasn't nearly enough. At least he had that damn eye-patch to give him some shred of dignity.

"Ahoy there, me hearties!" He exclaimed as we closed in on him, crossing his hand, and _feathersword_, in front of his chest. Phoebe's little action suddenly made perfect sense; obviously it was some sort of catch-phrase.

As I grew closer I saw the gleam of recognition in his eye. He knew who I was. I figured he couldn't have been all bad then. He started talking to Phoebe and damn he was good at his job**;** he had her eating out of the palm of his hand.

I saw the camera flash a couple of times before Bella called, "Group photo."

Fuck me dead. If photos were ever released to the public of me next to this fruity-looking pirate my credibility would be shot. But I saw how excited Phoebe was by it**,** so I sighed and manned up. I gritted my teeth and fucking beared it. I even smiled when I was asked to. I crouched on one side of Phoebe, while the good Captain took the other side. Bella took five or six damn photos before finally declaring she had a perfect one. To his credit, the poor sucker in the costume didn't complain about the time Bella took, even though he had other kids practically clamouring to talk to him. He stood and whispered something to Bella, she giggled and nodded. Then she passed him a pen and paper. He handed it back a second later. Bella smiled at him again. I was beginning to wonder if I needed to kick some pirate booty.

Bella was back with us less than a second later. "What was that about?" I asked, unable to completely remove the suspicious edge to my voice.

"He wants a copy of the photo. Apparently he's a fan." She giggled again.

I watched as he became mobbed by another family. _Maybe the pirate wasn't so bad after all,_ I decided as I was pulled to the line for the Big Red Car ride.

Two hours later, and three mind-numbing rides through the damn Wiggle house on the fucking big red car, it was finally time to head on to the animals. I managed to drag them past the tigers at Tiger Island first. At least they were _proper_ animals. I could identify with their strength and agility much more than I could with some damn ball of fluff stuck to a tree. I put Phoebe on my shoulders to get her up higher for a better view. We watched as the keepers played with the tigers. I knew I could have paid a little extra to get us in there with this earlier, but there was no way in hell I was going to let my daughter near something that dangerous.

Over the next few hours we covered most of the park, except the extreme rides which I would have done had I been here with anyone else. I felt a pang of jealousy as I listened to the screams and shouts of amusement coming from them. The Tower of Terror was a near constant rush of noise during the day as it zipped back and forth along its track, while we puttered underneath it on the steam-train or walked along-side it on our way to Nickelodeon Central for more kid's rides. Bella was taking photos at every possible opportunity. It was like she didn't think she'd ever get the opportunity again. It made me realise that at least some part of her was still waiting for the running and screaming.

I was hounded for an autograph at least once an hour, but each time Bella just patiently waited off tothe side for me to finish up, and then she and Phoebe would be back by my side. We ate lunch in Sponge Bob's dinner shack, whoever the hell Sponge Bob was supposed to be. We had photos with an array of people in odd**-**looking costumes. We finally got to go on something half-decent by going on the log-ride. Phoebe giggled the whole time, and in the photo she wore a smile that I would treasure forever.

Bella told me it was almost time to head home. Apparently Phoebe was getting tired, or so Bella said. All I knew was she was getting loud, cranky and clumsy. She had tripped over her own feet no less than ten times in fifteen minutes. Each time she'd been able to collect herself relatively quickly and with no tears. Bella ducked into the ladies' room, leaving Phoebe outside with me. I watched as Phoebe ran loops around the Wiggle Bay sign. Suddenly, she went sprawling onto the ground. She landed in a heap and began to scream. I didn't know if she'd done any major damage**,** but my first instinct was to run over to her and scoop her into my arms. She was screaming for Bella.

"Shh," I whispered as I rocked her gently. "Daddy's got you, you're all right."

I heard a soft gasp behind me, and I realised what I had said and who it was. I turned quickly and passed Phoebe to Bella. I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging it lightly, as I walked away. That was not how I wanted to do the big reveal. I heard Phoebe's crying diminish slightly and risked a quick glance. She had her face buried against Bella's neck. She hadn't heard, or hadn't realised the significance of what I had let slip. I wasn't sure if I was relieved or not. Bella smiled at me, reassuring me that she wasn't upset. I was over beside them both in a flash, my hand resting on the base of Bella's spine. I pressed my lips to her hair. "Let's go home, hey?"

"Sounds good," she responded.

"But first...we have to get an ice-cream."

Phoebe lifted her head off Bella's shoulder and grinned at me through her tears. We headed back towards the main gate, stopping at the Kodak shop to pick up a copy of every 'official' photo we had ordered throughout the day. It cost a fuck-load of money, but was worth every single cent for the permanent reminders of the log-ride, the river rapids and the big red car. I led the two of them to the ice-cream parlour near the exit. "What's your favourite flavour?" I asked Phoebe.

"Umm, pink."

I raised an eyebrow and Bella smirked.

"Pinks not a flavour," I whispered conspiratorially to Phoebe.

"Pink! See," Phoebe said, pointing to the strawberry ice-cream.

"Fine." I sighed.

"I'll have the usual," Bella said**,** and I wondered if it was a test to see if I remembered. But how could I ever forget that her favourite ice-cream is hokey-pokey, and if that's not available then it's peppermint choc-chip.

I ordered two strawberry ice-creams and one hokey-pokey, all smothered in chocolate fudge but no cream.

"You remembered," Bella said, her voice clear of surprise and brimming with confidence. It felt like she trusted my words more with every passing hour. I wasn't going anywhere.

I twisted a loose strand of hair back into her ponytail. "How could I forget?" I asked.

Bella chuckled when she realised what I meant. When we were twelve Bella had gone on a skiing holiday to Queenstown in New Zealand with her parents and Emmett. When they'd arrived back in Australia, Bella spoke non-stop for three months about Hokey-pokey ice-cream, chocolate fish and some drink called L&P. For Christmas I had forced Mum to hunt around so many different stores trying to find that shit. In the end we'd paid a small fortune to get them from a specialty New Zealand ice-cream parlour in the city. Now, just ten years later, it was everywhere.

"You'll have to come to New Zealand with the team when we race in Hamilton next year," I said to her. "You'll be able to get the proper stuff, direct from the source."

She nodded but didn't say anything. I could sense a hesitation there, and I remembered the photos - she was waiting for the running. I was pushed into silent thought as I wondered what I could possibly do to try to convince her otherwise. A ringing on my mobile pulled me back to the present. I didn't recognise the number, so I answered it hesitantly. I recognised Ben's chipper tones almost immediately. I walked from the table so that Bella and Phoebe didn't have to listen to my conversation.

"Hey, man," I said enthusiastically. "It's great to hear from you."

He chuckled. "I wasn't sure whether or not you were serious about calling you, but Angie pushed me to do it."

"I'm glad you called, we have to arrange that catch-up. Maybe you can bring Ang and the kids 'round one day. I'll have to double-check with Bella though."

"No problem. Just let me know the details."

"Cool, man." I wanted to hang on the line and talk to him some more, but I was more desperate to get back to Phoebe and Bella. As I hung up I heard a bit of a whispered conversation. Bella was smiling but looked nervous as hell. I wondered what had changed in the last minute.

"Really?" Phoebe asked, and then looked over to me – her eyes were as wide as they had been when she'd seen the Wiggle's World sign. It was like all her fucking Christmases had come at once.

"What's up?" I asked, but neither of them would answer. "Fine... keep your secrets," I said, then instantly regretted it as Bella's face fell.

"Edward, I..."

I cut her off. "Don't worry, it was a stupid thing for me to say. Are you both ready to go?"

Bella and Phoebe nodded.

I scooped Phoebe up onto my shoulders and carried her out to the car that way. Bella walked beside me with her hand resting on my back. We felt like a family, even if we hadn't yet told Phoebe exactly who I was. I put Phoebe in her car seat, I'd watched Bella enough that I finally had it worked out...mostly.

"Did you have a good day today?" I asked her.

She nodded and beamed. She was still smiling so widely it must have hurt.

"Edward," she said, before pausing to regard me for a second. Finally, she learned forward and whispered, "You're a good daddy."

My heart skipped a beat.

* * *

**A/N:- Okay firstly I apologise for that bad pun, I had too... I just had to (and in case you missed the pun - it's in the part with Captain Feathersword, ask me on twitter if you still don't get it :P). I apologise to those of you who were, like Edward, blissfully clueless about the Wiggles for polluting your minds. For those who know all about the joys of watching the Wiggles for the fifteenth time in a row, do you want to join me for a round of "Hot Potato"? **

**Secondly I would like to remind everyone again that I have donated a Carlisle POV scene for the Fics for Nashville. It's a great cause & there are stacks of awesome writers donating one-shots, outtakes & chapters to it. (E.g. CorrinaTFF is doing a BPOV of her awesome a picture is worth 1000 words contest piece "Moonlit Porch".**

**Thirdly, thanks again for all the support, the pimping, the silent rec'ing. I am absolutely blown away by the response on this but kind of saddened too because I know it is coming to the pointy end very quickly (although we still have a few chaps (not sure exactly how many, will depend on how much RCE chatters) to go & I have some outtakes planned so we should be on the journey for a little while if you want )**

**Oh & hands up those who've had Hokey Pokey ice-cream & L&P? **

Hokey Pokey Ice-cream http://en (.) wikipedia (.) org/wiki/Hokey_pokey_(ice_cream)

L&P which is "world famous in New Zealand" http://en (.) wikipedia (.) org/wiki/L%26P


	36. Innocent Truth

**Chapter 36: Innocent Truth**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

"You're a good daddy."

Those four words had been running on repeat through my mind since we'd left the Gold Coast. When I'd heard Phoebe whisper them, I wasn't sure how to react. When my brain didn't respond fast enough, my body took over. My face had broken into a smile to match hers. Then I had leaned forward and kissed her forehead softly. "I'm glad you had a good day."

I backed out of the car and saw Bella watching our interaction intently. She was worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. I touched my thumb to her mouth to free it.

"Well..." I started, my heart still hammering in my chest, my smile cemented on my face. "That was unexpected."

"She's very observant."

"She takes after her mother then," I whispered.

I walked around and opened Bella's door for her. She blushed and climbed into the car. The silence in the car was absolute. My own thoughts were centred on Phoebe's words. Bella stared out the window, her mouth smiling, but her eyes filled with concern. Phoebe passed out before we even hit the highway.

"Is she all right?" I asked, concerned, as I glanced in the rear-vision mirror watching her little head resting against the side of the car seat.

"She's fine. It's just been a long day for her," Bella replied.

"And for you?" I asked, hoping desperately that I hadn't fucked anything up with my slip or with my choice of destination.

Bella continued to look out the window for a few more seconds before turning back to me. "It's been a long weekend."

"And?"

"And I'm ready to go home and climb into bed."

I wondered if it was an invitation. If so, I would be there with bells on.

"But I think we need to talk to Phoebe first," she continued. "I want to make sure she really understands."

I nodded. "What do we say?"

"I think we tell her the truth."

"Which is?" I asked, terrified of what Bella would have me say – and whether it would change Phoebe's opinion of me.

"That her daddy made a mistake and wants to make up for it. That's about right isn't it?"

"It's an over-simplification, but it just about sums it up I guess."

Bella laughed. "Edward, she's three. She doesn't need complicated. All she needs to know is whether you will be there for her."

"Always," I said without hesitation.

"Then there's nothing to worry about, is there?"

I shook my head. "I guess not, it's just...I worry about, when she gets older, you know."

She gazed at me questioningly.

"Well, if she finds out more when she's older...will she hate me?"

"I don't think she'll hate you."

"How do you know?" I asked, my stomach twisting into knots at the thought.

"How did you feel when you found out about Phoebe? Specifically about the fact Liz knew?"

I couldn't figure out the best way to answer her. I didn't know what she wanted to hear. In the end I settled for the truth. "I was fucking pissed off," I whispered.

"Did you hate her?"

"What?" I was thrown by the question. "No, I was annoyed, but I could never hate her...she's my Mum."

Bella quirked her eyebrow at me. "Exactly. It's hard to hate your parents. The love is unconditional."

"I hate my father," I seethed.

Bella suddenly found her hands very interesting. "You might be angry with him, but I doubt that you hate him..."

"But?" I asked, I could sense the 'but' a mile off.

"Well...he's done some pretty horrible stuff, and he's hurt people you love. He knew he was hurting people when he did it, but he did it anyway."

"I knew I was hurting _you_ when I left." I rubbed madly at my face, trying to wipe away the tears that were pooling in my eyes and obstructing my vision. I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and clenched my teeth to stop the flow. "I mean, I never imagined..."

She caught my hand in hers. "I know."

I pulled my hand free and stroked her cheek. "I love you. So much," I croaked.

"I love you too." She leaned into my hand. I could feel the warmth radiating off her and desperately wanted to get her home. I needed to hold her tightly. I realised she controlled my sanity, all it took was a word, or a touch, from her and my thoughts would calm. I owed her more than she would ever know, and I would spend the rest of my life making everything up to her.

We fell into a comfortable silence as I drove us back. All the while four little words ran on repeat through my head.

Phoebe woke just as we were pulling into Bella's driveway. There were a few minutes of awkward silence as the car was unloaded and we headed inside.

"I'm just going to put some dinner on," Bella announced. "Phoebe, why don't you go get a book that Edward can read to you while you wait."

Phoebe shook her head. "Edward, come to my room, I'll show you my toys."

I shot Bella a quick look of concern. Entertaining Phoebe at Dreamworld was one thing – being alone with her was something else entirely.

"Go on," Bella said. "I'll be down once this is on."

I nodded, before gulping down on a lungful of air. I tenatively offered my hand to Phoebe, she clutched my fingers tightly and led me into her room. I spent the next half hour being shown every doll, teddy bear, puzzle and book she owned.

"You've got lots of cool stuff," I told her. I was sitting cross-legged in the middle of her floor with my back to the door. "What's your favourite?"

"That depends on the day," Bella announced behind me. She walked over and sat on Phoebe's bed. She patted the pink comforter in invitation, and Phoebe ran over to sit beside her.

My heart began to pound, knowing what was about to happen. Something shifted in the atmosphere of the room as a quiet tension seemed to settle over everyone.

"Sweetie, you know how Mummy always told you that your Daddy wasn't around, but that he loved you, wherever he was, and nothing could change that?"

I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. Bella could have easily spent the last three years telling Phoebe her dad was a fucking asshat who needed his head read; she wouldn't have been lying. Yet, even through her darkest time – even after I fucking abandoned her – she had been kind when speaking to Phoebe about me. I realised it might have been more for our daughter's sake, but I was still touched.

When I opened my eyes Phoebe was looking at me, her gaze seemed to reach right down to my soul. Bella inclined her head in Phoebe's direction, telling me to take over. She wanted me to be the one to say the actual words. I knew I already had earlier, but that had been instinct. Now it was just so fucking difficult to find the right thing to say. How did you even broach the subject? Should I just come out and say 'I'm your daddy, and I'm a fucking idiot for ever leaving your mummy'?

I opened my mouth to speak, but closed it again and took a deep breath. My eyes were prickling so I closed them. "I'm sorry," I whispered finally. "I..." I was going to say I couldn't find the words to make it right; that I didn't know what to say. I was going to say that I failed, even at this.

A tiny set of arms wrapped around my shoulders, and I felt Phoebe's hair against my cheek. I wrapped her in an embrace and tried to force back the tears. I couldn't even open my eyes for fear the traitorous tears would escape.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Phoebe, but your Mummy is right. Your Daddy loves you. I...I'd do anything for you." The last part of my sentence was so choked that I didn't know if she understood or not, but I didn't care; saying the words out loud to her was a hundred times better than any therapy session.

"Can I say a question?" Phoebe asked. I finally grew brave enough to look at her. Her green eyes, near perfect replicas of mine, were clear and untroubled. She wore a small smile. "Can you be my Daddy for always?"

I choked back the lump in my throat and looked away from her captivating eyes. It was only then that I realised Bella was gone. I didn't know at what stage she had left, or why. I reached my hand out to stroke Phoebe's cheek gently as I nodded. "I will always be your Daddy, baby. I'm never leaving again."

Phoebe gave a little jump with a double-handed fist pump. "Yay!"

I smiled through the threatening tears. "Why don't we go see what Mummy is doing?"

She nodded sweetly at me and walked from the room. I sat on the floor a second longer, trying to gather myself. My heart was thumping and my stomach twisting, but I'd done it. I knew without a doubt that Phoebe knew who I was. She accepted it. She even seemed to be fucking excited about it.

Finally, I picked myself up from the floor and wandered out to see Bella in the kitchen. Phoebe stood on a little stool behind her, watching as she worked her magic. I saw Bella raise her hand and wipe quickly at her face. She must have heard me approaching because she turned back to smile at me. I saw the remnants of tears glistening in her eyes. I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind. "Dinner smells good," I said out loud. Then I whispered in her ear, too quiet for Phoebe to hear, "Thank you."

She nodded. "It'll just be a few minutes. Phoebe, did you want to show Edward where everything is to set the table."

"Daddy," Phoebe corrected Bella, her voice was full of awe. I couldn't imagine her being more excited, even if she'd woken on Christmas morning to see Santa himself delivering her presents.

"Of course," Bella said, her voice strained and filled with emotion. Despite how well Phoebe was taking it, I could tell it had been a long day for Bella. It had been a fucking long day for me too. "Can you show Daddy where to find the plates?" She rested her hands against the counter and ducked her head down a little.

I grew concerned that maybe she regretted the decision to let Phoebe know. I wanted to reassure her, but Phoebe was practically shouting at me in order to get my attention.

Dinner was a fairly quiet affair for Bella and I, but Phoebe kept up a near constant stream of chatter to fill the silence. She told me all about her friends at daycare and all about her Nana, Pop, Aunt Rose and Uncle Em, letting me know she couldn't wait to tell them that she had a Daddy. During that part of her speech I could have sworn I saw Bella wipe another tear away. I rested my hand on her thigh under the table. She startled a little at the contact but didn't pull away so I figured she wasn't upset with me.

We spent the rest of the evening just hanging out on the couch watching some TV and movies. I didn't approach Bella to find out whether she had any regrets about today**.** I figured that conversation could wait until after Phoebe was asleep. I waited on the couch while Bella bathed and changed her – I wasn't up for doing any of that shit yet.

Bella called out to me from Phoebe's room and I wandered down, watching as she read her stories before putting her to bed. I could see how loving and tender Bella was, and it made my heart weep for the time I had lost. I began to wonder what it would have been like in the early days of Phoebe's life. I had no fucking clue what babies did, or what looking after one involved, but somehow I just knew Bella would have been a natural mother.

I was lost in thought when Bella used her hands and a silent touch to call me out of Phoebe's room. She led me into her room and half-closed the door. She closed her eyes and leaned back against one of the walls. A long sigh escaped her perfect lips, breaking the silence.

I pressed myself into her, one hand on the wall on either side of her head. "Are you okay?" I asked her quietly.

She nodded and gave me a small smile. "I've been hoping, wishing, and praying for this day for so long, but dreading it at the same time. It just..." – her voice dropped to a whisper – "changes everything."

I ran one hand along her cheekbone, and brought my face closer to hers so that my lips almost brushed against hers**.** I could feel the warmth of her body beneath me. "I know," I murmured. "But for the better."

She nodded. "I hope so."

I closed the last piece of space between us. Her mouth was warm and inviting as I moved my tongue inside. She moaned against me, and I felt the wetness of fresh tears fall against the hand that still cupped her face.

"You are happy though, aren't you?" I asked, terrified of the answer.

"Yes, absolutely. It's just overwhelming."

"I know." Jesus fucking Christ did I know. I decided to do the one thing I absolutely didn't want to do. "Look, it's been a long day for everyone. I think we just need some space tonight, and I need some fresh clothes anyway. I might go back to Mum's." I rested my forehead against hers.

Her arms came around my waist, holding me to her. "You're probably right," she said.

"I can stay for a little while...if you'd like?"

She nodded and rested her head on my shoulder. "I really don't want today to end."

I smiled to myself knowing I had achieved my goal; she was mine again. My heart swelled with pride at being able to say that, and I knew without a doubt I could never lose her again, it would break me. I picked her up in my arms, lavishing her cheek and neck with soft kisses. I carried her across to her bed and laid her down gently before curling around her.

"Can you stay until I fall asleep?" Bella asked the darkness.

I nodded and kissed her cheek once more. "Of course."

We lay in silence. For my part I was just enjoying being wrapped so tightly around her, hearing her soft breaths disturbing the near silence of the night. An hour passed before her breathing steadied, and I knew she was asleep. I carefully extracted myself from the bed; she moaned and grumbled a little in her sleep before clutching onto the pillow.

"Edward..." she breathed. A smile crept onto her features, and I found it almost impossible to leave the room.

I finally managed to withdraw myself from the magic of Bella, leaving the room and heading down the hall. I paused to peer into Phoebe's room. She was stretched out on her back, her arms raised high above her head and her lips parted into a small pout. With her eyes closed, she looked so much like Bella. As I watched her sleeping, I couldn't help but remember the first time I had ever seen Bella sleeping. I was eight at the time.

* * *

"Edward, make sure your room is clean. We're having guests tonight," Mum called out. My thoughts immediately went to my cousins who stayed over much too often for my taste. I hated when they came because Peter always smelled like urine and even after he'd gone, the house stank for a week.

"Aw, Mum, do we have to?" I whined. "I don't like Peter and Charlotte."

"Who said anything about Peter or Charlotte?" Mum said, her voice full of secrets and smiles.

"Who then?" I asked, running to find her.

"I guess you'll have to wait and see."

I pouted and she laughed.

"Always so impatient," she said, scruffing my hair fondly. "Charlie Swan is rosted on tonight and Renee has just been called in to work, so they've asked if I can watch Emmett and Bella. Is that okay with you?"

I whooped. Emmett and Bella were my best friends. Well, Bella was my best friend and Emmett was the cool older brother I always wished I had. I raced down to my room and cleaned everything up. Bella wouldn't sleep in my room, she'd get the guest room, but I would have to share with Emmett, and I didn't want him to think I was some horrid slob.

I couldn't relax the rest of the afternoon. Renee and Charlie turned up just after six with pizza and my two closest friends. We all wolfed down our pizza and ran to my room. We played with my Nintendo 64 and watched some movies until Mum had finally put her foot down and shooed us all into bed.

I woke in the middle of the night and heard a soft whimpering. I climbed out of bed, and stepped around the trundle where Emmett was sleeping, to investigate. I walked through the darkened hall until I located the source of the sound. It was coming from beneath the guest room door – where Bella was staying.

I pushed the door open before sneaking into the room. I looked down on the bed and could see the ghost of her outline. Her hair was spread out on the pillow behind her. Her face was drawn into a frown and she was whimpering and kicking. I knelt next to her bed and gently stroked her cheek. "Shh, Bella, I'm here."

Her whimpering quietened and her movement stilled. I climbed onto her bed, staying above the comforter but determined to stop her nightmares.

I slept there the rest of the night and Mum found me the next morning.

* * *

I stood watching Phoebe for what I thought was just a few minutes, but must have been longer because I felt arms stretch around my waist, drawing me back to the present. I placed my arms over Bella's almost instantly. She rested her head on my back. "You didn't leave?"

I shook my head. "I guess I got a bit distracted." I looked in Phoebe's room once more, before turning in Bella's embrace. I was so overwhelmed with emotion, and there was only one way I could think of to release some of it. I captured Bella in my arms and pushed her back against the hallway wall, kissing her deeply. I cupped her ass with my hand and pulled her into me. She moaned into my mouth, and I carried her back down to her room.

I spent the next hour devouring her body in every way I could, burning the taste of her lips and skin into my memory so that I could make it through Monday morning without her. After we were both satisfied, I held her tightly to me and told her how I felt about her, Phoebe, and life in general. There was only one way I could sum it up.

"Things are finally on track," I whispered.

* * *

The early dawn light was just rising when I woke again. I leaned over and kissed Bella's cheek softly.

"I'll be back later today," I whispered.

She mumbled something incoherent in response. She was obviously still fast asleep. I wrote a quick note, letting her know I would be back later in the morning after my phone call with Dr Laurent. I crept out the door, pulling it locked behind me. I walked to my car and drove slowly to Mum's house.

As I pulled up in front of the house, I saw a figure slumped on the doorstep. I recognised the shape at once. I nearly ripped the car door off in my haste to get out.

"What the fuck are _you _doing here?" I screamed as I ran across the lawn.

* * *

**A/N: - Nothing to say really so Hi, thanks :) and follow me on twitter ( at MPG82) and/or hubs ( at Manhoor)**

**Thanks again to my two fic-wifeys who are there for me at crazy hours in their native USA home. I would be lost without both of them to help me *mwah* lovies :)**

**And hi to all my twitter friends, WC buddies etc you all help me in your own little way.**

**Biggest thanks to my RL hubs Manhoor for supporting me and helping manage RL when I disappear into my twi fan fic life.**


	37. Daddy Issues

**Chapter 37: Daddy Issues**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

I couldn't believe my eyes. My father - a man who had always been proud and strong - the man I had once looked up to, stood quickly from the position he'd been in; lying prone in front of Mum's front door using his suitcase as a pillow. I crossed the lawn in a series of short steps and got into his face.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I repeated.

"This is my house," he replied, trying to draw himself up to my height and assert some level of authority. In reality, he just looked pathetic.

"Not anymore," I hissed in reply. "Mum made it very clear to me that _you _are _not _welcome."

He slunk back down again, his shoulders slumping and his head bowing. "I know."

"All that shit you fed to me about respect. You are fucking scum."

He pressed his hand to his face, and if I hadn't known that he was a fucking heartless bastard, I might have thought he was crying.

"Just go, before you hurt her more." I pointed towards his car.

"I have nowhere _to _go."

"What about back to that fucking little whore that you call the love of your life?"

"I can't." His voice broke.

I didn't care, but it took me by surprise. "Why not?"

"We had an argument, and she wants her privacy. I...gave her the apartment a little while ago, it's in her name. She doesn't want me to live with her."

I didn't know what I was more pissed about. The fact that he had given _her _an apartment, or the fact that he had thought he could just come begging back here when he fucked it up with her.

"Mum doesn't want you here either."

He growled before turning his back on me. He kicked the door in frustration. I thought I heard a quiet yelp from inside the house.

"Really, Edward? You don't think I realised that from the voice mail she left me? Or the fact that she changed the locks? Or maybe the fact that she drained our savings account?" His voice was full of sarcasm. Then he dropped his head. "I just need to talk to her. To work this out." His voice was broken, despondent.

I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. But I remembered his words at the cafe and what happened with Jessica. I remembered the look on Mum's face and the pain in her voice when she spoke about what happened between them. Most importantly, I remembered what he had done to Bella.

I took a deep breath. "I am giving you three seconds to get the fuck out of here."

"Edward, I need to talk to your mother."

"One!"

"This isn't all my fault, I just want her to listen..."

"Two!" I roared, cutting him off. I clenched and released my fists in anger.

"It's never mattered before."

I launched at him. I grabbed the cuff of his shirt and pressed him into the door. Tears of rage pricked my eyes as I allowed the emotions I felt to flow through me. I was in his face, screaming, "How dare you say that, you sick son of a bitch! Does the fact that you have a family at home not matter. How can you come home at night extolling the virtues of fucking respect when you have none yourself?"

He cowered into the screen door.

"How many were there?" I asked, my voice dropping low and dripping with venom. The hatred I felt towards him rising in my throat like bile.

He shook his head and raised his hands protectively.

"How many?" I screamed. I knew the neighbours up and down the street could no doubt hear me**,** but I didn't care. I raised my fist but was distracted by the wooden door behind him opening a crack. I saw Mum's face through the screen.

"Edward, don't," she whispered. Her face was streaked with tears**,** and it looked like she hadn't slept all night.

"What the fuck, Mum? Are you going to defend him now?"

She shook her head, her eyes never leaving my face. "He's not worth it," she whispered, her gaze steadfastly ignoring the shape of my father's head in front of her.

I used my grip on his collar as leverage to twist him away. I threw him onto the grass.

"Go back inside, Mum," I ordered.

"Edward..." she started.

"Just shut the door. I will deal with this."

"Please, don't," I heard her whisper behind me.

I turned back to look at her. "I won't do anything stupid," I reassured her. "I just want to get rid of him."

She nodded and closed the door.

I walked over to where my father was lying prone on the ground. Nothing remained in him**,** of the man I had once admired and loved. "Get up," I hissed.

He pulled himself into a sitting position.

"Get up!" I screamed.

He scrambled to his feet.

"Now fuck off and never come back. Leave Mum alone."

"What if she wants me back?" he challenged, even as he backed towards his car.

"Then I will be advising her to go see a fucking shrink." I stalked in his footsteps, my fists clenched tightly at my side. It took everything in me to allow him to walk away unscathed.

He climbed into the car and wound down his window. "You'll never understand," he spat at me.

I reached into the car and stopped him from turning the ignition. "You're right...I never will. Because I couldn't imagine ever hurting Bella that way."

"You think you have it all worked out don't you?"

"I have it worked out more than you," I murmured, preparing to pull my arm from the car and let him go. I was going to be the bigger man, I wasn't going to let violence or alcohol be my first resort anymore.

"That slut will take your money and leave you dry."

His voice was so soft I almost missed what he said, but it registered enough for my elbow to snap back sharply into his nose. I listened with satisfaction to the wet sounding crunch as it connected. I wasn't going to let violence rule my life, but I wasn't going to let him trash talk Bella either.

I pulled my arm back and watched as he clutched one hand to his nose.

"You're fucking crazy," he said as he switched on the ignition.

"Yeah," I scoffed. "I get that shit from my father."

"Mark my words, boy, you will regret this. I..." He stopped himself short, glancing at the damage I had caused in the rear-view mirror. "To think I was about to throw it all away...for _you_," he muttered into his hand.

I didn't want to listen to any more of his bullshit and lies. "Just fuck off - and stay away this time."

He scowled at me before pulling out of the drive. I couldn't resist sticking my middle finger up at his car as it retreated into the distance.

I walked back to the front door and knocked softly. "Mum?" I called out. "He's gone."

The wooden door opened and Mum stood in front of me. She looked terrible as she unlocked the screen door. Her eyes were red-rimmed with huge black bags resting under them, and her hair was dishevelled. She handed me a key.

"I...I changed the locks."

I nodded. "Good."

I gave her a quick assessment. "Are you going to be all right?"

She nodded.

"How long was he there for?"

"Most of the night. I told him to leave – but he wouldn't. He said he would stay as long as he needed to until I spoke to him again."

"You should have called me," I growled.

She shook her head. "You were with Bella. You two need to sort through everything. I need to know that you two at least are okay before I leave."

I grabbed her hands in my own, and my face broke into an involuntary smile. "We are better than okay. Mum, it's great," I gushed. Then I continued, my voice dropping lower, "In fact... we told Phoebe last night."

She looked shocked. "So soon."

"Why wait?" I asked. "I wouldn't want to lie to her. I know how that bullshit feels."

Mum looked away. "I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made, Edward. I should have tried harder to tell you about Bella."

I shook my head. "I wouldn't have listened, I wouldn't have been ready to know. To be honest, I probably would have run a mile. It sucks that I've missed so much of Phoebe's life, but..." - I raked my hand through my hair – "I feel like I'm in a better place now."

She touched her finger to my chin. "I can see that, I think anyone could see how good Bella and Phoebe are for you."

"What can I say?" I said. "They're my girls."

Mum smiled through her obvious exhaustion.

"If he comes back – call me. Anytime. Bella will understand." I patted her back gently. "Now go to bed," I ordered softly, kissing her cheek. I turned my back to her, walking towards the kitchen.

She laughed. "Look at you, Mr. Responsible."

I shrugged and continued to the kitchen. I fixed myself my favourite delicacy - vegemite toast. I took my toast and went to the living room, sat on the couch and flicked on the TV. I couldn't get into anything that was on – weekday morning TV held little that interested me. Although in the mood I was in, even motorsport would have trouble captivating me. Instead, I allowed the drone of the TV to fill my mind as I clutched my phone, anxiously awaiting Dr Laurent's call. Once he called I would shower, change and be back in Bella's arms. I trailed my hand through my hair as the time ticked by so goddamn slowly.

When my phone finally started to vibrate, I had it to my ear almost before the first ring could escape.

"Doc!" I almost shouted down the line, excitement ringing in my tone. I couldn't wait to tell him about my weekend and everything that happened between Bella, Phoebe and me.

"Edward," he greeted cautiously. "You seem particularly _cheerful_ this morning."

"Fuck, Doc, why wouldn't I be? The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and I'm in love with two beautiful girls."

"So I'm guessing you talked with Bella after our phone call on Friday."

"Yeah, Doc. We _talked_." I couldn't help the double entendre that came through when I said the last word, but visions of the weekend and everything Bella and I had done came into my mind. I considered how much had changed between us in just a few short days. On Friday, I would have thought it would be months before we enjoyed _that _kind of fun. I knew there were still so many things to overcome... but for now, I felt like she was on my side. Or more specifically that we had our own side.

"Why don't you tell me about that conversation?"

"I don't know what to say, but we talked, we had fun, we got some things out of our system." I was trying to will away the erection that was building quickly as I thought about the type of things Bella and I got out of our system. It was highly inappropriate for me to be talking to my shrink with a raging boner, but I couldn't help myself.

"What did you talk about?"

"About everything."

I spent my hour on the phone giving him the clean version of the weekend, all the while the real events played over and over in my head. Halfway through the call I extracted myself from the comfortable confines of the couch and headed to my room to begin packing a fresh bag of clothes. I threw all the ones from my night in the hotel with Alice and my weekend with Bella into the clothes hamper. I wasn't sure what Bella would have to say about me staying at her house for a few days, but figured it couldn't hurt to pack for it...just in case.

I sat on the bed just as I began to tell him about Phoebe. "We even told my daughter who I was..."I choked on the last part.

"How do you feel about that?"

"I don't think ecstatic is too strong a word. I mean, she took the news so well. She was excited about it."

"Children are very resilient."

I wondered what he'd meant by that, but decided to let it roll off my back. "She was happy. That's all that mattered."

"You're right. So what is next for you and Bella?"

"Well, I have some plans. Then I guess it's a matter of working out our timing. She's moving to Sydney." I was beaming inside, excited about my plans for Bella at the Hilton and her move to Sydney. We hadn't discussed what would happen after the move, but I knew it would be pivotal to our relationship.

"Have you spoken to her family?"

"God no," I exclaimed. "I'll be happy if Bella and I move to Sydney without me having to see them again."

"You know that's no way to start a relationship."

I laughed. "I know, Doc, it's just...well her brother frightens the shit out of me."

"That's understandable, considering your past."

"But he has _nothing_ on Charlie." Killer Charlie would have my balls on a silver platter if he had half a chance.

"Is Bella close to her family?"

"Fuck yes. She always has been. They're a fucking tight**-**knit group." A group I was once part of many years ago. There was a time I had been Renee and Charlie's quasi-son. That changed when I'd left. "But it'll be alright, Doc. Once they see how happy we are, they'll leave us alone."

"Edward?" Dr Laurent asked.

"Yeah, Doc?" I replied, wondering why he had changed tack.

"It's good to hear you this way."

"What way is that?" I was confused.

"Almost optimistic."

I laughed. "You're not the first one to call me that this weekend."

"I have to admit I am a little concerned though. Please...take this slowly." I could tell he was choosing his words carefully.

"Who's the pessimist now?" I asked.

"I just don't want to see you falling into any" – he paused – "of your old patterns."

"You mean running?"

"Amongst other things, yes."

"I'm never running from her again."

"I understand how you feel." I could tell he was just saying what he felt he needed to say to placate me. "But I would like you and Bella to come in for couples therapy when you can."

I laughed at the concept. Sure, I had issues which impacted on Bella, but Bella and I, we didn't have issues. "You're just trying to sting me for more money."

He laughed in reply, but it was hesitant and forced.

I sighed. "What makes you suggest that?"

"It is a little...concerning...just how insular your relationship with Bella seems to be. And how fast things seem to be moving. You describe a world where everything is perfect, but only as long as no one else is around. That is not a realistic scenario. There will always be other factors impacting on the two of you. I am just suggesting a bit of help to get you both equipped with the right _tools_ for having a relationship that will survive the real world.

I grew irritated. I had just told him about the fuck-awesome weekend I had with Bella and Phoebe, and he suggested we needed help? "Fuck you," I said. "You don't know a fucking thing."

"Edward," he replied calmly. "I'm going to leave this here. But please, just think about it. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Don't fucking bother," I murmured, but he'd already hung up the phone. I threw the phone onto my bed. "Fucking quack!" I screamed at no-one in particular.

I hastily grabbed an outfit to get changed into and stormed into the shower, slamming the door behind me. I was all the more anxious to see Bella again. The Doc's words had planted seeds of doubt into my mind. I dressed hastily, before grabbing my bag and writing Mum a quick note to let her know where I was.

By the time I arrived at Bella's, the small seeds had grown into weeds that tangled themselves around my memories of the weekend. I began to consider that maybe I was misreading the situation between Bella and me. Maybe things weren't as resolved as I wanted to think. I knocked on Bella's door anxiously, unsure how she felt about how I had left earlier or whether my absence had given her time to reconsider.

The door pulled open and Bella mouthed "Hi" to me and smiled. I noticed she had a phone squeezed between her shoulder and ear as she stepped backwards from the door to allow me entry.

"Daddy!" Phoebe squealed from in front of the TV. The sound of it made my stomach clench anxiously. A nervous excitement raced through my veins.

"Nothing important," Bella said into the phone, turning her back to me and heading down the hall towards her bedroom. She continued her conversation the whole way. By the time she reached the end of the hall I could barely make out the words but I heard "Can't someone else?" and "You are absolutely certain?".

I sat on the couch and Phoebe climbed up beside me.

"You were gone when I woked up," she accused.

"Sorry," I said to her. "I needed to go get some more clothes and have a shower."

Her eyebrows creased together and she was silent for a minute.

"We have a shower," she said eventually.

"I know," I replied. "But I'll have to go away sometimes. I'll always come back though, okay?"

She considered it for another minute then nodded and turned back to the TV, laughing loudly at Tom and Jerry. I didn't know that shit was still on TV**;** I remembered it from when I was young. I was soon laughing along with her. She would turn to me whenever something happened that she found particularly funny and tell me what she'd seen as if I wasn't sitting right next to her. I could have found that irritating – and if it had been anyone else, I would have – but for some reason I found it endearing coming from the little angel perched next to me. Every now and then, I would hear a snippet of conversation float down from Bella, but I still couldn't hear many words.

"Edward?" Bella called out before suddenly appearing behind me. She was dressed in her work uniform. I looked at her quizzically. She hadn't said anything about needing to work. "I've been called in to work. It's an emergency, and they've got no one else who can take the shift. I just don't have anyone else to watch Phoebe...would you mind? It'll only be for a few hours at the most. I'll be at work until at least six, but Mum can drop in and pick Phoebe up earlier."

I heard what she wasn't saying as loudly as what she had. She didn't trust me to watch Phoebe. I was the last person she had asked to babysit my own fucking daughter. Dr Laurent's words began creeping through my conscious again. I wanted to scream and shout that we would be alright**;** we didn't need help. But I realised in that instant that I would be wrong. As much trust as I had gained from Bella, I still had to earn more. There was only one way to do that.

"Bella," I stood and wrapped my arms around her. "I can handle it. It'll be great. What better way for us to get to really know each other?" I was trying to sound reassuring, but even in my own ears my voice was weak and pitiful...and full of fear. I drove 600hp, 1300kg vehicles around a race-track at 300 km/h for a living without batting an eyelid, and yet the idea of spending the day alone with my own three-year-old daughter frightened the living shit out of me. I could do it though. I would do it. To prove to everyone that I was committed to Bella and to Phoebe.

"You want me to get Mum to come over when she's free? She can take Phoebe back to her house."

I shook my head. The idea of speaking to Bella's family any time soon frightened me much more than spending a day with Phoebe. "We'll be fine. I can handle it," I repeated, as much to myself as to Bella.

Bella raced around calling out instructions for Phoebe's routine. When to feed her, when to put her to sleep – apparently she needed to sleep at midday but couldn't sleep for any more than an hour or she wouldn't go to sleep later in the night. Honestly, I was exhausted by the time Bella had finished explaining what I needed to do – and I hadn't even started yet. My apprehension grew with every second. With one last kiss and a whispered warning to Phoebe to 'be on her best behaviour', Bella was gone.

I stood staring at Phoebe, and she stood staring at me. I smiled a tight smile at her. "What would you like to do?"

"I want to go to Nana's."

"No, baby, we promised Mummy we'd stay here," I said in my gentlest voice.

"But this house is boring!" She stamped her foot and crossed her arms.

_Shit_. Bella hadn't explained any of this to me. I knew when to feed her, when to put her to bed, but had no idea what to do if she didn't want to do something.

"Why don't you watch a movie?" I suggested.

She nodded before turning and running into her room. She came out a few seconds later with a Wiggles DVD. We sat and watched it. And then we watched it again. And again. By the fourth run through I was going utterly crazy. I even knew the words to some of the goddamned songs. I drew the line when Phoebe tried to get me to get up and dance with her. Like she had with Tom and Jerry, every time something came on that she liked she turned to me and told me all about it. Even on the fourth run through.

I looked at the time. Time for lunch, and then a sleep, according to Bella's schedule. I checked the fridge, where Bella said she had left some tuna sandwiches. I pulled them out and arranged them on a plate for Phoebe. I put them on a little table that was obviously designed for Phoebe to eat at.

"I don't want that." I turned to look at Phoebe when I heard her voice. She had her arms crossed again and a frown on her face.

"That's all I've got," I replied.

"I don't want it," she said louder.

_Fuck!_ I wondered if Bella would be upset if I called her at work to find out what to do. I realised I couldn't do it. Whether or not it was intentional, I knew this was a test. Bella might decide I wasn't worth keeping around if I couldn't even look after Phoebe for one day. If I failed now, I might lose them both.

"Please, sweetie?" I turned on my charm. It worked on girls over eighteen, I wasn't sure if it would work on the younger generation too.

She shook her head.

"What do you want to eat then?"

"A lollipop."

"You can't have a lollipop for lunch." I laughed at the absurdity of the request.

"I want a lollipop."

"After you eat something else?" I countered.

She shook her head. "I want a begemite sandwich."

"Now _that_ I can help you with," I said with a smile. I whipped around the kitchen for a few minutes making the vegemite sandwich for her. I cut it into four squares and placed it in front of her. She took one look at the plate and pushed it away.

"I don't want it."

"That's what you asked for," I said, exasperated.

She shook her head. "I want it in triangles."

_What the fuck difference does that make? _I wondered. _It's a fucking vegemite sandwich for fucks sake. Vegemite is vegemite, regardless of how it's cut._

"Just eat that," I said, trying to keep the annoyance out of my tone.

"No." She turned her head away.

"Eat it."

"I want triangles."

I sighed, but I grabbed the plate and turned back towards the kitchen. I spent the next few minutes remaking the vegemite sandwiches. This time I cut it into _triangles_. I placed it down in front of Phoebe. She took one bite.

"Yuck," she said, pushing the plate away. I grabbed one of the quarters and took a bite.

"There's nothing wrong with that. It's a vegemite sandwich."

"I don't like begemite."

I resisted the urge to growl at her. I tried to remind myself that she was just a child.

"Then what do you want to eat?" I asked.

"Ice-cream."

I sighed. "You can't have ice cream..." I started, but then decided it wasn't worth the argument. I didn't have to tell Bella that she'd had ice cream after all. "You know what – fine. Have ice-cream."

I dished up the strawberry ice-cream from the Neapolitan tub in Bella's freezer. Phoebe ate it all quickly and smiled at me. That smile was worth a million dollars. We watched the Wiggles...again...before I told her it was time for a sleep.

"I don't want to sleep."

I sighed. "Mummy said you have to sleep."

"I. Don't. Want. To." She said forcefully.

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please, sweetie?" I pulled out the charm again. "For Daddy?"

She shook her head violently.

"Mummy said you needed to sleep though." Bella had been very clear on the need for Phoebe to sleep. She said it needed to happen.

"Phoebe, we are having a sleep," I said, trying to sound forceful but not scary. How the hell were you supposed to do this shit?

She shook her head.

I stepped forward and picked her up gently to carry her into her room. She kicked her legs out and screamed. I tried to put her back on the ground, but she was still kicking and screaming and wouldn't get her legs underneath her. Her cries were so loud the neighbours must have heard them. _Fuck me dead,_ I thought. _How the fuck do people deal with this?_ I knew I couldn't ring Bella. I was desperate for assistance from someone, but I knew no one. Then I remembered there was someone I could call who had experience with children. I dialed Ben's number and spoke to him briefly, somehow he knew the reason for my call almost instantly. He told me some techniques that he used. Basically it boiled down to bribery and distraction. Too bad I couldn't get a word in edgewise to try to distract her. I hung up the phone with a promise to call him later. I had to deal with the still screaming child who was now flailing on the floor.

I picked her up, holding her as gently as I could while avoiding the hazards that were her arms and legs, and carried her to her room. I lay down on the bed with her and began playing a game Ben had suggested, 'Round and Round the garden'. Eventually Phoebe began to calm, and even giggle, and I was able to convince her to lie still with me while I read her a story. Then I began to hum a tune to her. I couldn't remember the words, but I knew it was something Mum used to sing to me.

Eventually, after what felt like hours of battling her, her eyes began to drift closed, and she fell asleep leaning against my chest. I didn't want to move for fear of waking her. I closed my eyes, allowing the peace and quiet of the now still house to wash over me. The rhythmic sounds of the music Bella had in Phoebe's CD player, combined with the regular soft breathing of Phoebe, made my mind drift slowly into slumber myself.

I opened my eyes when I heard the front door click unlocked. A second later I heard a voice call out, "Only me!"

_Fuck._ I knew that voice. It was a voice I hadn't heard in over four years. The voice of a woman I had once considered to be my second mother. I panicked, not sure whether I should call out or not. In the end I remained silent and hoped that she thought no one was home.

After what felt like an eternity Phoebe's bedroom door cracked open.

I heard a sharp intake of breath.

"Edward?" Renee exclaimed.

_Fuck me._

* * *

**A/N: There is a reviewer scene for this chapter & trust... it's one you don't want to miss ;D**

**Not much else to say that I haven't said the last few chaps. For rec's check out my fav's list. Don't forget to donate to Fics for Nashville, there are some absolutely awesome authors donating their time to do outtakes & one-shots. **

**My hubs (Manhoor) is still working on his next chap but he's not a machine like me LOL, however we will soon be launching a collab between us - here is a link to the banner I made for it http:/yfrog(dot)com/jv7nuj here is the link to the collab author location were we will be posting it shortly: http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2380584/Manhoor_and_MPG**


	38. My Apocalypse

**Chapter 38: My Apocalypse**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

I glanced up at Renee. I could feel the panic and terror brand my face as it twisted into a contorted mask. I hadn't felt fear like this since hearing Emmett's voice at the airport. I tried to pull my thoughts together as I put my finger to my lips to instruct Renee to stay quiet. Which wasn't entirely necessary because she just stared at me with her mouth gaping slightly. I shifted position, gently rolling Phoebe away from my chest. I silently stroked her cheek a couple of times to ensure she was still in a deep slumber before pointing to the door, silently telling Renee to go out of the room. I backed out, watching Phoebe the whole way, and pulled the door shut behind me. I began the slow walk - I couldn't help thinking of the death march - out to the living room.

My heart was pounding as if Lars Ulrich was using it to practice his percussion. The more I thought about it, the more I was certain I could hear the beat of _My Apocalypse_ drumming against my chest. The words began to echo through my head.

_So I cross that line. Into the grips. Total eclipse. Suffer unto my apocalypse!_

I clenched my fists at my side to stave off the panic attack I felt building in me. My chest was tight - my lungs too small to draw the correct amount of oxygen from the air. The room was slanting to the left and starting to spin. Through the haze of fear that was rising within me I sensed, rather than saw, Renee come from behind and circle around in front of me. A cacophony of sounds hit me. My own heartbeat became amplified in my ears. I could hear Renee's voice echoing above it, just slightly louder. It felt like she was screaming at me. Louder and louder. Words I couldn't understand. I crossed my arms on top of my head, using my biceps to block the violent rush of noise. The room was skewing further off balance, and my breaths grew shallower. Hands clutched at me from what felt like all directions, pulling and tugging while the screaming and thudding continued. I shut my eyes tightly and tried to chant my mantra silently to myself, 'I can get through this. I've had one before, and I made it through then. I can get through this. I've had one before, and I made it through then.'

I became aware of a second voice mixing with Renee's. It took me a moment to realise it was mine. Slowly the rushing sound in my ears quietened. Something soft hit the back of my knees and they gave way beneath me. What felt like a large pillow stopped my descent before I hit the ground. Fingers closed around my hands and the yelling slowly abated, although the voice didn't quieten, it just began to sound less harsh in my ears.

"Edward..." was the first clear thing I heard, but then the voice faded back into obscurity.

I dropped my head down to my knees and began to rock softly. My mantra wasn't helping. I knew there was only one thing that would help – unfortunately she was at work.

"Edward..." Renee's voice broke through the haze again. She sounded..._worried?_

Curiosity brought me back to the present. I tried to breathe again and was relieved when I found my lungs seemed almost regular-sized. I lifted my head and opened my eyes. Renee was sitting on the couch beside me. She had her hands out towards me, her face was traced with concern.

"Edward?" she asked again as my eyes focused on her face. "Are you all right?"

I nodded, then shook my head, then nodded again. I honestly wasn't certain whether I was all right or not.

"Panic attacks?" she queried.

I nodded.

Her face softened. "You really did miss her, didn't you?"

I nodded and tears welled in my eyes.

"Aw**,** baby." She held her arms out in invitation. I crawled across the couch and into her embrace. I let the sobs overrun my body as it recovered from the rush of adrenaline that my panic attack had caused.

The last time I had done this was when I was sixteen. Bella and I had fought at school, and she'd told me we were through. Mum hadn't been at home when I got there, so I went to Bella's to find the next best thing. I already knew Bella was going over to Angela's because that was the reason we were fighting. Ben had told Ang he loved her, and Bella had grown upset because I hadn't uttered the L-word yet even though we'd been together-on and off-longer than Ben and Ang.

I told her I wasn't going to say it just because someone else had, and that if we added up all our breaks we'd been together for less time than them. She had screamed that she deserved to be with someone who was willing to tell her how they felt. She didn't know that I was sneaking a love note into her homework book as we were speaking – in fact her talking about the fact that I hadn't said 'I love you' was keeping me from finishing my note.

Renee had held me while I sobbed about not knowing why I couldn't bring myself to say the words outloud. It wasn't that I didn't feel them. Even then I knew I loved Bella and that she would be the only girl I would ever love. I explained that I hated the expectation that a relationship was supposed to follow a certain linear path**,** and if you deviated from that path you were punished. Renee told me that she understood and agreed with me that the words _I love you_ were thrown around too casually by some people. After I had finished sobbing, Renee imparted the ultimate wisdom by saying that if I was utterly truthful when I said the words, it would be different. They wouldn't just be words bandied about to placate some relationship God. I told her about the note I had left for Bella and she smiled, telling me that she was sure Bella would appreciate the gesture.

It turned out Renee had been right – when I arrived at school the next morning Bella had practically leapt into my arms. I had tried to whisper the words into her ear, but she pressed a finger to my lips. "I know, Edward. I love you too."

"Don't ever doubt it." I nuzzled into her neck. "No matter what happens – don't ever doubt it."

She shook her head and smiled. "Never again."

Despite our past, and how much she had been like a mother to me at times, I couldn't fathom why Renee was being so nice to me now. After everything I had put her daughter – and her granddaughter – through. I didn't want to break the spell and ask, but eventually I had to.

"Don't you hate me?" I asked.

She brushed the hair off my face. "Sweetie, I may be disappointed in some of the decisions you have made, but I could never hate you. And it's obvious you are in pain right now...do you want to talk about it?"

"I was...so scared," I admitted. "Everyone else hates me."

She laughed, just a soft chuckle. It reminded me of Bella. "Charlie and Emmett have thick heads, that's all. You hurt their baby girl. But you know that right?"

I nodded.

"And you hurt yourself just as much, didn't you?"

I gulped and nodded again. Renee had always been so intuitive.

"Rosalie told me about your talk, and Bella told me about your dinner at McDonald's. I can tell you are trying. I wanted to see you sooner, but Bella asked me not to. She thought you might need your space."

"Thank you," I managed. I wasn't sure whether to feel touched that Bella had thought to ask for space on my behalf – or offended because it was another sign that she still didn't trust me. "But why are you here now then?" It wasn't until after the words had escaped that I realised how rude they sounded. "Shit, fuck, I didn't mean it like that."

She smiled. "It's all right, Edward. I usually drop by to see Bella a couple of times a week when she's not working. Where is she, by the way?"

"She got called in to work – apparently it was a big emergency."

Renee raised her eyebrow at me. "And she left you alone with Phoebe?"

I bristled. Her amazed tone pissed me off, was it really that hard to believe that Bella would trust me to look after my own fucking daughter. Okay, so I _was_ the last resort. But I did have to endure the mother of all temper tantrums and I had survived. I opened my mouth to say something but she cut me off.

"I just meant that Bella very rarely leaves Phoebe with anyone. Me, Jake, Rose and occasionally your Mum. That's it. We practically had to drag her down to enroll Phoebe in daycare. She's very protective of her. I think sometimes Bella still sees Phoebe as the broken baby who wouldn't have survived without her brother's gift, and not always as the strong, smart child she has grown into."

I bit my lip. I hadn't considered that. I realised how big a deal it was that Bella allowed me to babysit at all so soon after coming back into their lives.

"Would you like to stay for the afternoon?" I asked Renee.

"I wouldn't want to intrude. I didn't realise you would be here or I wouldn't have come."

"Don't fucking worry about it. I'm glad you are here."

"Bella was right about you," Renee said knowingly.

"What?" I asked, wondering what Bella possibly could have told her Mum about me.

"You've lost none of your charm, but gained a real potty mouth."

I laughed. "There's nothing fucking potty about my mouth," I joked.

"Come on," she said, rising to her feet. "Why don't I make us a cup of tea and you can tell me what you've been up to?"

"That...actually sounds great, thanks, Ren."

I sat on the kitchen counter while Renee busied herself making the tea. I rarely drank the stuff these days, but she was being so cordial to me I didn't want to fuck it up. I knew Bella would be impressed when she got home that not only was I doing a fucking great job with Phoebe, but I was also making an effort with her Mum. Not to mention the fact that being on Renee's good side would help my cause with Emmett at least – he was nothing if not a mama's boy.

"So what have you been up to in Sydney?" she asked as she set the steaming mug on the dining table and sat across from it.

I smirked. "You really don't want to know." There was no way I could tell her about the scores of women I had bedded, the alcohol I had drank or any of the horror that was my first few months down there.

"Something must have been real fascinating to keep you away from our little Bella?"

"Not really. That was just me being a stubborn ass. I," – I took a deep breath – "almost had myself convinced that I was over her. It was only in the dark of night that I knew I wasn't."

"You dreamt about her?" she guessed.

"If I was lucky. If not, I would lie awake for hours staring at the ceiling while memories of our time together ran endlessly through my head."

"When did the panic attacks start, sweetie?" Her voice was still full of concern. I just wanted to hug her and say thank you again.

"Almost immediately," I admitted almost silently. "It started small. Bella would call and I would listen as she left a message. I found I had to clutch tightly onto something to stop myself from answering. I honestly thought she'd be better off without any ties to me. I thought she would move on eventually – like I had never existed."

"That was never going to happen though, you should have known that. She can't forget about you any more than you can forget about her."

"I know that now." I whispered. "But eventually holding onto something wasn't enough. That was when the insomnia started. All within a week of being in Sydney. I should have known then that what I really wanted was to be back by her side. But the problem was I wanted to be at Cullen Racing too – it was my dream job.

"Then, well, then things became dark." I wasn't going to tell her exactly how dark, I wouldn't be able to bear the look of disgust or pity that might cross her face. "I began to manage the only way I was able."

"Alcohol and women?" Renee asked.

I nodded because there was no point denying what she clearly knew. "I tried sleeping tablets too, and they worked, but they just became another in a long line of addictions. The more time that passed the harder it was just to pick up the phone. I knew if I did I would be back in her arms in an instant.

"I kept all her phone messages though. I would play them occasionally when I was unable to sleep. I did such a good job of convincing myself that I didn't need her – I told myself it was only a piece of home I was missing, not her - that hearing her voice reminded me of easier times. Even now, I still have them. I was a fucking fool." I hung my head.

"But you are here now," Renee replied.

I raised my head and looked her in the eye. "And I'm not leaving her again."

She smiled at me. "That's all I need to know. Bella has made it clear to me what she wants and if my baby girl wants you, I'm not going to argue. I just need to know you're not going to hurt her again."

I shook my head.

She stood and took her mug to the sink. "Then I wish you both well. And Edward?"

I turned to look at her.

"Don't leave it so long before you talk to me again, yeah?"

"No ma'am," I said, giving her a mock-salute.

A noise from the bedroom - a small voice calling out - indicated that Phoebe was stirring.

"Shall I?" Renee asked.

"Do you mind if I do?" I said. I didn't want to cause problems between Renee and I, but I was the one Bella asked to babysit and I wasn't about to shirk my duties.

I poked my head into Phoebe's room and she beamed at me. She stood on her bed and held out her arms. "Cuddles!"

I walked over and collected her into my arms. "Did you have a good sleep?"

She nodded and snuggled into my chest. I carried her out into the living room. When she saw Renee she almost squealed the house down. "Nana!" She wriggled out of my arms and was across the room in Renee's an instant later.

Renee gave me an apologetic look, but I waved her off. If she made Phoebe happy, I was happy. And the fact that Renee hadn't ripped me a new asshole helped.

We set up on the floor playing with Phoebe's cars and car mat, and her dollies. That was where Bella found us a few hours later.

Her eyes widened in surprise. "Mum? What are you doing here?"

"I decided to drop in and see you, to find out how your date went considering you never called me."

Bella blushed scarlet and I chuckled.

"Are you two all right then?" Bella asked warily.

"Thick as thieves," Renee answered.

Bella looked over at me and I smiled and nodded. She breathed an audible sigh of relief. "Well...all right then. Shall I set the dinner table for one more?"

"No, sweetie, it's all right. I've gotta get back and feed your dad. You know how he can get if he doesn't eat."

Bella laughed, but I made a mental note to ensure Killer Charlie was well fed before I met him again. Renee hugged everyone goodbye and was gone within ten minutes of Bella's arrival.

Bella set about preparing a meal in the kitchen. I felt like an ass for not even thinking about dinner before then, but Renee, Phoebe and I had been getting along so well nothing else crossed my mind.

I snuck up behind Bella while she was at the sink washing some vegetables and wrapped my arms around her from behind. She pressed back into me and gave a small, delectable moan in response. I used one hand to brush the hair away from her neck and began trailing small kisses there. She leaned even further back into me. If I wasn't hyperaware of the little ears in the next room I would have taken her then and there. The things she made my body do. Every nerve ending sang to be closer to her. I spun her around and captured her mouth. She kissed me back ferociously.

I released her lips, but held her waist. "I was thinking about staying for a few days...if you don't mind that is."

She let out a shaky breath and shook her head. "I don't mind."

I brought one of my hands around and caressed her crotch through her pants. "That's good. Because I'd like to _come_ over a lot."

I pressed her into the bench so that she knew what she had done to me. I was solid as a rock.

Bella breathed into my ear, "I like it when you stay over...and when you _come _inside." She grabbed my erection and it was my turn to groan. Her skillful fingers wrapped around it even through my jeans. I was so ready for her. She knew it and she smirked as she dropped her hand. "Unfortunately, I have to prepare sustenance for everyone and then get a certain little someone off to bed first."

I blinked but was unable to do anymore. I had the promise of hot sex burning in my mind. I wanted her so badly, even more after the little things I had learned today. I just had to wait a few short hours. Finally I gathered up enough strength to move my mouth and ask how her day was.

The night ran smoothly from there - we all ate and watched a bit of TV. Phoebe - the little Judas - ratted me out to Bella, telling her about the ice-cream lunch but thankfully Bella didn't seem too upset. She cast me the evil eye, but then smiled and shook her head a little in a mocking way.

Bella bathed and dressed Phoebe again, and then at bedtime we both read Phoebe some stories until her eyes shut, and we left the room in silence.

Bella pulled Phoebe's door shut silently and then attacked me. Her hands were in my hair, then tugging at my pants and then finally pulling at my shirt. Her lips touched my lips, then my neckwhere she nipped and sucked a little. I held her as close as I could, grinding myself against her. She turned to head towards the bedroom, but I stopped her. I was too turned on by the thought of screwing her near the kitchen sink. I left the light off, slid my zipper down, leaving the button done. I pushed down my boxers and released my erection. I propped Bella up on the bench, pulling her skirt up and pushing her undies to the side. I lined myself up and drove into her hard.

She cried out a little, her voice thick with lust. "Oh, Edward, fuck me." She bit her lip and dropped her head as her hands came onto my shoulders to grip me to her.

I reached down and fingered her clit while I continued to slam against her. She came around me, and I followed moments later.

Without breaking our connection I started to love her the way she deserved. I pulled her shirt open and caressed her breasts softly.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I just needed you so badly," I whispered.

I could see her small smile even in the darkness. "It's all right. I needed that too."

I picked her up off the bench and carried her to the bedroom where I would spend all night loving her if she allowed me to.

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**A/N:- *Waves* to new readers - Welcome. **

***Waves* to readers who have been with me since the beginning - Thank-you.**

**I got some... interesting feedback from the last POV reviewer scene. It's great that so many of you are so passionate about this story. I'm sorry that I don't always reply to PMs, I just get fail sometimes - especially when it comes down to reply or write new chapter. If you want to converse I am on twitter (at)mpg82 & I'll talk to anyone who talks to me :D There is a BPOV for this chapter, and as a teaser - it's set in the past ;) **


	39. Do over

**Chapter 39: Do-over**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

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Bella, Phoebe and I had finally emerged from Bella's house at around noon after a long sleep-in and pancakes for breakfast. Then I took them to Ben and Angela's. I had, despite Bella's concerns, organised for them to watch Phoebe for the evening. Phoebe, for her part, was overjoyed by the idea. Her eyes lit up when she saw their baby. It was an un-fucking-real experience. I stayed for about an hour**,** but then I had to leave - there was still too much to be arranged. I had left Bella there with the promise of a car to pick her up and bring her to me, so she and Phoebe had been at their house for the better part of the afternoon. Bella still had no idea what I had arranged,only that it required dressing up, because I had a dress delivered to her a short time ago. I was still nervous, but I was determined not to fuck up this opportunity. If I could, I would have rewritten history; instead I was going to try negating it.

I looked around the room, surveying the handiwork of the team of staff who were still running around doing the final preparation for the night. Fairy lights covered almost every inch of the ceiling; they were the only thing lighting the room. Sheer white curtains enclosed the dance floor, making it into a private oasis. Satisfied, I walked around one last time, greeting everyone personally. I could tell the race-fans from the others – they were the ones with a star-struck look as they shook my hand. Finally, I called everyone together for a quick explanation of how the night would run. I ensured the DJ had the playlist I had created - with input from Mum and Alice - as well as strict instructions not to play a single damn song that wasn't on that fucking list.

In short - it was going to be perfect.

I pulled out my phone for the fifteenth time. Ben was supposed to call me the instant Bella left their house so that I would have time to change without being dressed too early. He hadn't called yet. I debated for a few more minutes before throwing the phone in my pocket again and heading to the toilets to get changed anyway. It wouldn't matter if I was in the monkey-suit for a few minutes longer than absolutely necessary. I had gone all out and bought a proper tuxedo, with a bow-tie and all. The suit was a sharp black with a crisp white shirt, but the bow-tie was a deep purple material that had red highlights when the light hit it. It matched the dress I bought for Bella, or more specifically the dress the shop assistant had assured me would be perfect based on the photo I had of Bella.

I was halfway through doing up my shirt when my phone finally rang. I stumbled around after it, finally pulling it loose from the pocket of the pants I had cast off moments earlier. "Hello?"

"Young Edward," a voice I didn't immediately recognise said. It had a certain calm menace to it.

"Who is this?" I asked.

The voice laughed and a shiver ran down my spine. I knew who it was. "I'm hurt, Edward."

"Aro," I said coolly.

"Please, call me Vincent."

"What do you want, Aro?" Calling him by his first name would indicate comfort and familiarity. I felt neither.

"I'm calling to see if I can borrow your _star power_."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Why?"

"I'm having a little fundraiser in town tomorrow night. I'm trying to drum up some people to attend."

I was confused why he was calling me, and for more reasons than just the obvious. "Aren't you supposed to be in Bahrain?"

"Ah, see my boy, that's where the problem comes. I promised I would front a driver for some charity thing in Brisbane, but I just didn't realise it was so close to the Bahrain race. Unfortunately, James has already left and is unavailable to attend."

_How the fuck is that my problem?_ I wondered to myself. I remained silent towards Aro.

"I knew that you had some spare time on your hands, and I wondered if you could go in his place?"

I blinked, uncomprehending. "You want me to go to some charity event to represent you? I drive for Holden and for Cullen, not for Ford or Volturi."

"I know," he said, his voice almost soft and musical. It creeped the hell out of me. "Alas, you are my last resort. I hate to let down a charity. They wanted to raffle off signed merchandise to raise vital funds."

I closed my eyes and rubbed my thumb across me eyelid, I was getting tired of this dance of his. "Look, Aro, I'd love to help. I really would. But I've got my own stuff going on right now, and frankly**,** I don't think they'd like a Holden driver signing Ford merchandise."

"Young Edward," I could hear the condescension in his voice. "I will ensure they have V8 supercar materials only, nothing to reference Ford or Holden."

"I just don't think I can make it I'm afraid." I was still trying to be polite**,** but my voice was cold.

"Oh, that is a shame. Especially when it's a worthy cause. Those poor sick children."

I knew I was going to regret it as soon as the thought came to mind, but I had to ask. "What kids?"

"The money is for the Mater Children's Hospital foundation. They're raising money to help save the lives of children and babies."

I pulled the phone away from my face and let loose a stream of vitriol. I brought it back towards me, banging the fist that held my phone against my forehead. How the fuck was I supposed to say no to something that would help the people who helped my baby? Who saved her life. "Fine," I growled into the phone.

"Wonderful news," Aro said, his voice full of quiet confidence as if he'd expected that result all along. "I have two spare tickets at the table. I'm sure, based on your _reputation_ that you shouldn't have too much trouble finding someone to attend with you. We can't have our leading man turn up alone."

I gritted my teeth. "I'm not your 'leading man'**,** and I won't be alone. Just send the details through to my phone."

"Absolutely," Aro's delighted voice was as soft and creepy as his persuasive tone. "Although I do wish you would reconsider my offer? I know you would be happy here, and we would definitely benefit from your unique talents."

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'll help out for charity, but that's it. I'm still Cullen through and through."

"Such loyalty," he chuckled softly before hanging up the phone.

I growled at the empty room, my temporary state of undress forgotten. My phone beeped and I noticed I had a missed call from Ben's number – 10 minutes earlier. He must have called right when Aro had. Shit. Fuck. Damn. It meant that Bella was already on her way and I had about twenty minutes to finish getting dressed. I spent another couple of minutes giving Ben a quick call back to apologise and thank him for helping out. I ended the call asking how Bella was when she left.

"She was a bit pissed about the car you got."

I laughed. I could almost see the look on her face as the hot pink stretch hummer rolled up in front of Ben and Ang's.

"And can I just say wow! You should see her. If I wasn't married..." I heard Ang laughing in the background.

After hearing Ben's words, I was even more excited to see Bella. She was beautiful to me anyway, but I had a feeling tonight she would look extra special. I pulled on the tuxedo as quickly as I could. I checked everything in the ballroom one last time before walking down the stairs to the lobby. My original intention was to wait near the staircase, but I soon moved just outside the entrance to greet her there instead. As the minutes dragged on I kept edging closer to the road until I was standing right next to the bellhop who was helping people from their vehicles.

I bit my lip nervously as I watched the huge pink monstrosity turn into the hotel. I couldn't stop myself from leaping forward towards it, knowing that my heart rested inside. I had the door open the instant it stopped.

I saw Bella and my breath caught. She was too beautiful for words. As I helped her from the hummer I noticed just how soft and silken the floor length dress was. The colour made her skin appear almost lumnious. It clung tightly to her body, showing off her curves and leaving nothing to the imagination. I could already envisage peeling it off her later. Her hair was swept up into a loose bun, some curls fell loosely around her face. Her make-up was light and natural.

Once we were both on the side-walk, I pulled her tightly into me, sweeping one hand from her shoulders to her thighs. "Wow, Bella, you look..." I struggled to find the appropriate sentiment.

She flashed a deep shade of crimson before she looked me over. "You look great too, Edward." Her eyes looked toward the hotel apprehensively. She whispered, "What are we doing _here_?"

"I'm exorcising my demons, and humbly requesting a do-over." I held out my arm to her, she linked her arms around it, and I led her into the hotel.

I headed straight for the stairs, ignoring the looks from the staff and other visitors. I walked her straight into our private function in the ballroom. As soon as the doors opened the sounds of Chicago's _Hard for me to Say I'm Sorry_ filled the room. She glanced around her in awe.

"What is this?" she asked in a hushed tone.

"I wanted to tell you what you mean to me. To show you what you've _always_ meant to me."

"What do you mean?" she looked up at me, her eyes soft and trusting. I led her to the enclosed dance floor, pushing the curtains out of the way. They fell back in place around us, wrapping us in their soft cocoon. I pulled her close and began to waltz with her while the words I needed to say played behind us.

_Hold me now. I really want to tell you I'm sorry. I should've never let you go._

_After all that we've been through. I will make it up to you. I promise you._

_And after all that's been said and done. You're just a part of me I can't let go._

I looked into her eyes. "I never told you that this is what it felt like when we danced at the school formal."

She cocked her head to the side but remained silent.

"Just the two of us. In our own little world. Everything else around us just... faded away." I pointed to the gossamer curtains, explaining their relevance.

"I... I don't know what to say," she whispered. Tears deepened her eyes**,** but she was smiling widely.

"You don't have to _say_ anything. Let's just dance for a while, shall we?"

She nodded and then rested her head on my shoulder.

I tucked her even closer into me, until her hair brushed softly across my cheek. The song ended and the next one began. Song after song came on as we danced in our own little circle, never breaking contact. I didn't know if Bella realised the significance of the playlist. Each song was a message of apology, or a promise that I wasn't going anywhere. We swayed to our own unique beat regardless of the tempo of the music. I closed my eyes and allowed everything else to fall away. The rhythm of our synchronised breathing more beautiful than any sounds musicians could compile.

Finally it was the time in the playlist for _The Reason_ by Hoobastank. It was the message that I wanted to deliver more than anything else. I whispered the lyrics against Bella's hair, trying to impart to her exactly how much I meant them. I felt small sobs wrack her body as the words reached her. I pulled back and stared into her eyes when I got to the chorus.

_I've found out a reason for me, to change who I used to be._

_A reason to start over new, and the reason is you._

Our bodies stopped moving as we pulled back and stared into each other's souls. I felt that some part of me was repairing slowly, some piece of my humanity that I had lost years ago. I hoped Bella felt the same way.

I had arranged it so there would be a pause in the apology songs for some instrumental music so that we could sit and talk for a while, over dinner. But before I did there was one last thing I needed to do. I stepped back from Bella and gently kissed her tear**-**stained cheeks. I brushed away the remnants of her tears with my finger. Then I pulled a small box from my pocket and sank to my knee in front of her.

She shook her head a little in disbelief.

"Bella, I know it's only been a few weeks that you've been back in my life, but you have changed me, even in that short amount of time. I feel better about who _I_ am when I'm with you. I love you with all my heart**,** and I know there will never be anyone else for me."

She shook her head more fiercely and started to talk. I held up a finger and pleaded silently with her to wait. She closed her mouth again.

"I know this is fast, and I know it is the backwards way of doing things, but I would love for you to move in with me when you come to Sydney." I flipped open the lid on the box and showed her the set of keys I had arranged to be cut especially for her. The key ring that held them was from Tiffany's. It was a smooth, unending silver circle that looked vaguely like a snake eating its own tail. The sales assistant had informed me it was an eternity circle and was supposed "to clear your mind of negative things and inject positive aura into you." And that "even when you are away from the person who gave it to you, your minds will always be connected spiritually." I felt like it was the perfect gift for Bella. Of course I could never tell her that it cost almost $300 – she would freak.

She laughed, relieved. "Oh my God, Edward! You ass. I thought..." She slapped my shoulder.

I stood back up and closed the lid again. I held out the box for her**,** but she just stared at my hand.

"Maybe one day..." I responded whistfully. "But we're not ready for that just yet."

She looked from my hand to my face and back again. "Can... can I think about it?"

I nodded but pressed the box into her hand. "Keep the keys regardless. I want you to be free to come and go as you please. I want you in my life. All of you – or at least, as much as you'll give me."

"Thank you. For the weekend. For tonight. For being here. For everything."

I pulled her closer to me again and put my lips to her ear. "I just want you to be happy. I love you."

"I love you too. And... I am happy."

I brought my lips to hers for a fraction of a secondbefore I pushed the curtain aside and announced it was time to eat. Half the fairy lights had been turned off and a candle-lit table for two had been set up in the room. I had to hand it to the hotel, they were doing everything right**,**and I hadn't even noticed them making the changes they had while they set up the dinner table.

I pulled Bella's chair out for her and she sat. I kissed her cheek before taking my own seat.

"Do you ever do anything that is just plain and simple?" she asked, looking around her again.

I grabbed the champagne from the cooler and popped it loudly. As I filled our glasses I responded, "Why would I do something plain and simple for someone so extraordinary?"

It had the desired response - a red flush crossed her cheeks and ran down her chest. She dropped her eyes to the table and fidgeted for a second, but then brought her eyes back up to meet mine and gave me a smile.

"Are you telling me I should just be quiet and accept what you do for me?" she asked.

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you." I held one of her hands in mine, bringing it to my lips quickly before placing them back on the table, still entwined. I didn't know if you could eat grilled barramundi with one hand, but I was willing to give it a try if it meant not breaking the connection with Bella. "So what are your plans for tomorrow?" I queried as we began to pick at our meals.

"I probably should have told you sooner. I work every Wednesday through Friday, while Phoebe goes to daycare. I was on holidays until last Friday and this is my first full week back. So..."

"So, I'll have to fend for myself." I quirked my eyebrow at her. "That's what you are telling me?"

She smiled. "However will you cope?"

"I'm sure I'll manage... somehow," I joked. I thought now would be the perfect time to tell her about the fundraiser that I had agreed to attend. "Although, there is a way you can make it up to me."

Her fork stilled halfway to her mouth and she eyed me warily.

"I've agreed to attend a fundraiser. You know the sort of thing - sign some V8 gear that's going to be raffled off, have some dinner and schmooze with the wealthy and wannabe elite. I was wondering if you would like to come and be my date. You can keep me sane."

"Well, if your sanity is on the line," she deadpanned.

"Absolutely it is," I argued. "Two hours in a room full of strangers - knowing all the while you are at home waiting for me - may just be enough to destroy my last hold on reality."

"We wouldn't want that."

"Exactly. So will you come with me?"

She tilted her head to the side and then smirked at me. She put the forkful of fish in her mouth and chewed it slowly, as if deliberating. She swallowed. "Okay, but only on one condition."

"What's that?"

"You pick me up from my parents' house. Mum will be picking Phoebe up from daycare like usual so it'll be easier for me just to get ready and go from there."

"Oh, I see how it is," I joked. "You're sick of me already and don't want me around anymore, but you just don't know how to tell me that."

"No," she said adamantly. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you know full well Charlie is going to kill me."

"It'll be fine," she said. "He won't do it while Phoebe's in the room."

I made a mental addition to my list – Charlie needed to be well fed, and Phoebe needed to be around, when I saw him next. Which was going to be tomorrow. I drew a shaky breath. "Okay."

"Okay?" she asked, surprise evident in her voice.

"Okay. I'll be there at six thirty to pick you up. Charlie be damned."

She smiled. "It'll be fine, Edward."

"No," I argued. "It won't. He hates me."

"You're probably right. And he'll probably have a million and one questions and demands."

"I'll do it," I said. "Or at least - I'll try. For you."

"Thank you, Edward," she said.

"I'll get a dress delivered to their house. I'll just need the address."

She rolled her eyes. "I can pick my own clothes, Edward."

"I know. I just know you won't have time – and I want you to look stellar... not that you don't always."

She laughed. "Edward, you are hopeless."

"Hopelessly in love."

"Fine, if you have to buy me a dress." She said the words in disgust. "Do it. But no damn pink hummer this time."

"No problems, baby." I brought her hand up to my lips againand suddenly had no appetite, except my insatiable desire for her. "Are you done?"

She nodded.

"Did you want to dance some more – or can I show you something?"

She shrugged. "I'm ready to go if you are."

I nodded as I stood. The concierge suddenly appeared at my side. "I trust everything went to plan this evening?" he asked.

"Absolutely," I said, but I couldn't tear my eyes off Bella long enough to glance in his direction.

"Well, enjoy the rest of your evening sir, madam."

"We will," I said. My voice was probably laden with carnal promises, but I couldn't care less.

"Your car will be waiting out front."

"Thank you," I said, without a backwards glance. "Be sure to leave yourself a little something when you charge my card."

Bella glanced back, no doubt beginning to wonder just how much it costs to hire the ballroom of the Brisbane Hilton for a private function like the one we had just shared. I didn't want to tell her, because the answer was a ton of money. But it didn't matter to me, it was only money, and if I had achieved my goal of erasing some of the pain of the high-school formal it was worth every cent.

Once Bella and I were in the car I drove across to West End, close to the spot where I had taken Rosalie – or more specifically she had taken me.

I helped Bella across to the railing**, **and we sat side by side with my arm wrapped over her shoulder, watching the moon over the city.

"It's beautiful," she whispered.

"It's nothing compared to the beauty I can see in front of me," I said, staring at her.

She smiled at me before nuzzling in closer for a moment. "Let's go get Phoebe and go home."

I pulled her into me, kissing her hard. Then I nodded. "Sounds good."

I had realised earlier that she wasn't ready for what I wanted to do here anyway. I was glad I had done the bait and switch with the key ring. It had given me the perfect opportunity to see how she would react. I now knew that the ring burning a hole in my pocket would have to wait for a little while longer.

* * *

I held Bella in my arms, a satisfied smile on my face. Helping her from the dress had been every bit as enjoyable as I had thought. Phoebe had fallen asleep before we'd arrived home so we'd just carried her into the house and straight into bed. Then I had enjoyed every part of Bella - repeatedly. I still marvelled that I had ever sought comfort in the arms of anyone else.

"Edward..." Bella called unexpectedly, her voice filled with terror. "Don't go..." she whimpered.

I pulled her closer and kissed her mouth softly. "I'm not going anywhere. You are my reason to live," I whispered to comfort her. "I want to be with you forever."

She smiled in her sleep and curled into me.

I watched as her emotions flittered across her face. I could lie for hours watching her sleep.

"You want me to marry you?" she asked.

My heart thudded as I held her tightly, waiting for the answer to the dream proposal.

"Yes," she breathed.

I kissed her cheek and settled down to sleep, comfortable in the knowledge that eventually - when the time was right - I might get the response that had once scared the hell out of me, but that I now wanted more than anything in the world.

* * *

**A/N:- Reviewers get a copy of RCE's "Sorry" playlist (including a link to a online playlist site where I have set up all of the songs in the order Edward intended they be played. There is some random stuff on there (ones from his mum and Alice most likely LOL), but they all have the same message - either an apology or a promise to be together always. **

**I debated not saying anything cause I just feel icky when I self-pimp but I have been nominated for a Twilight Allhuman Award (twilightallhumanawards(DOT)webs(DOT)com) I have been nominated in the 'best-written fanfiction of the year so far'. I don't know that I entirely agree with that, but hey I'm happy to be nommed just the same. Regardless of who you vote for there are some awesome stories & authors out there who deserve to be voted for so go check out the site, the stories & vote :D**

**The Fics for Nashville deadline is pretty much on us at the moment so I want to issue a quick warning to anyone who has donated - there will be spoilers in the CPOV scene, so if you don't want spoilers don't read it... yet. I'll let you know in an A/N when it is "safe" to read. However, both my fic-wifey's agree that it's not story ruining spoilers, but I just wanted to give you the heads up so I don't get hated on **

**Lastly - hubs (manhoor) & I have posted the prologue to our new Evil Dead / Twilight cross-over fic. Here is the link to the story http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/6020730/1/ and to the profile http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2380584/**


	40. Creative visualisation

**Chapter 40: Creative visualisation**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

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* * *

_

I woke early to an empty bed and a silent house. A note from Bella rested on the bedside table, thanking me for last night and again for early this morning**.** She also reminded me to pick her up from her parents' house, leaving their address at the bottom. I folded it up and put it into my wallet, but not until I had taken an extra minute to read the words a second time.

I rolled over onto Bella's side of the bed, relishing in the smell of her that clung to the blankets and sheets. I began to imagine what it would be like if... no... _when_ she was living with me. I would roll over in the morning and she would be there. Her presence would be stamped on every surface of every room in my house. I could already picture which rooms I would change to give Phoebe a toy room as well as a dream bedroom**,** and I could already see a swing set beside the pool in the backyard. Everything was going to be, not quite perfect, but better because it would be real.

With those images in my mind, I stood and began to get ready for the day. I quickly made a mental list of everything I needed to achieve before the time came to collect Bella from her folks' house. I tried to put the actual reunion with Killer Charlie out of my mind, because if I thought about _that_ my knees began to quiver, my heart began to pound, and my palms grew sweaty. I pushed it from my thoughts as best as I was able; although it remained a worry buried inside me waiting for the worst possible moment to strike me down with panic. I grabbed a change of clothes - noting that I really needed to get some more casual clothes, especially as I was planning on an extended stay. The shopping trip Bella and I had taken a week earlier hadn't exactly stocked me up. I had two choices**:** wear the same outfit every few days and learn how to wash my own clothes or buy more shit. The 'buy more' decision won hands down.

The first thing I did was to ring the dress shop I had visited the previous day. I asked for the assistant who had served me and was in luck,because she was on. I checked that she remembered me**.** It was a stupid question, because honestly how many blokes would come in, order an Armani tuxedo off the rack plus demand a dress - which must be available immediately - with only a photo and a borrowed dress to work out sizing. She asked how our evening had gone, and I politely told her it went well - which was a massive understatement - then I told her I needed a favour. A new dress, exactly the same size, delivered to a different address. I explained the basics of the type of event it was for but left it in her court to select what Bella would wear. I also ordered a new bow-tie to match the dress. It was going to piss me off that I couldn't be completely ready for Bella when I picked her up, but there was little I could do about it.

I packed my tux back up into the bag it came in**,** getting it ready to take to the dry-cleaners. With those two items ticked off my 'to do' list, I climbed into the car for the rest of my tasks. I was halfway down the street when the phone rang. I pushed the Bluetooth button to answer it.

"Edward." Doctor Laurent's voice filled my car.

"Doc," I replied. I was unable to stop the small smirk that crossed my face. I pulled the car over to the side of the road so I could give him my full concentration. "I'm sorry I missed your call yesterday. I wasn't sure whether you would actually call back today."

"I told you I would in my message."

I didn't say that I'd told him to fuck off last time we spoke, and that was part of the reason I didn't answer when he rang while Bella and I were having our lie in. That and the fact that I was buried balls deep in the woman I loved. I was happy to ignore the issue of our last phone call because at that moment I needed to talk to him. A moment passed in silence while I tried to think of the best way to raise my problem.

"Did you want me to stop calling?" he asked tentatively when I still hadn't spoken.

"Fuck, no, Doc. I mean I _was_ pissed off over your suggestion." _Couples therapy_. I wanted to laugh.

"I still think it's a good idea," he said. "Even if you do it just to prove me wrong."

"I still don't know, but I'll talk to Bella about it," I conceded.

"I think that would be a step in the right direction. You need to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you if you want to have a stable relationship."

"I know and I do."

"Okay," he said, and I knew the matter was dropped. "Why don't you tell me what has happened since we last spoke? Are there any new developments?"

I smiled to myself. "Are there ever," I said enthusiastically. "I asked her to move in with me."

I refrained from telling him about the engagement ring I'd purchased. I knew he would be about as supportive of the idea as Bella had been when I was down on one knee.

"And what did she say?" His voice was still tentative, as if he was uncertain what to say - or maybe he was just unsure how I would react to his question.

"She said she needs to think about it."

He breathed in relief. "She sounds like a wise woman."

"What? Why?" I wondered why her needing to think about it was such a good thing.

"Because, as I said the other day, I think you need to be careful about pushing things too far too soon. You have only just come back into her life. You are still adjusting to the idea of being a father and of being in a committed relationship again. I think it is commendable that you want to make up for past mistakes, just try not to make an even bigger one in the process."

"There are no bigger mistakes than leaving Bella," I snapped. Then I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed to calm myself down. "Sorry, I'm just... on edge."

"What about, Edward? Remember you have the ultimate control in our conversations - we can discuss anything that is bothering you."

"I'm meeting Bella's parents again tonight. Well, that is to say I'm meeting her father again. I saw her mother, Renee, the day before yesterday, after our last conversation in fact, and that went really well, but I don't think the meeting with her dad is going to go nearly as smoothly." I realised I had a major case of verbal diarrhoea, but I couldn't stop the word vomit once it had started.

Doctor Laurent chuckled a little. "Yes, you do sound a little nervous. What worries you most?"

"You mean besides the fact that he is a prison warden who knows entirely too many criminals and police. So many in fact that he would probably know how to murder me and get away scot-free?"

He laughed. "Yes, besides that."

"I guess my biggest concern - besides the fact that I honestly think he may very well kill me - is that I will disappoint Bella somehow."

"Why do you think that?"

"I just... well, if I have a panic attack and then pass out or something? I'm going to look like a fool."

"You've been having the attacks more regularly lately?" he asked.

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me.

He must have guessed at my answer because he continued. "Have you been using your mantra when you've experienced the attacks?"

"I've been trying, but sometimes it's hard to focus on the mantra with the thoughts and images in my head. I just feel so tightly wound, like someone is crushing every part of me." I felt the sensation begin to build in my chest even thinking about it.

"Maybe we need to work on some other coping techniques. I don't think they'll help you tonight unfortunately, generally it takes time to be able to exercise your mind to the point where it is able to work through the panic."

"What sort of tools?" I asked quietly. Anything that would help me, even a little, was a good thing. I was sorely tempted to have a glass or two of whiskey before picking Bella up - just a little something to help take the edge off - but I knew I couldn't. I owed Bella more than that. I owed Phoebe more than that.

"Creative visualisation techniques."

"What the fuck?" I asked.

"Imagining that you are in your happy place," he explained.

I smiled - and then groaned - when I thought about what I would regard as my happy place. How was I supposed to not panic around Killer Charlie when I was picturing myself between his daughter**'**s thighs. "I don't think that will help."

"It won't in the short term, as I said you need to train your brain to react to stimuli the way you want it to. It's not an instant fix, but unfortunately there are no instant fixes."

I rolled my eyes. Typical quack talk to try to leech as much money as possible. He spent the next twenty minutes talking about various coping strategies and how I could implement them.

"Doc?" I asked as he began to wind up.

"Yes, Edward."

"I just wanted to say thank-you. I know I've given you a hard time about some things, but I do think you've helped me. I just wanted to tell you."

"That's what I'm here for."

"And, well... I'm not sure if I'll be needing daily sessions anymore."

"You don't want me to call anymore?"

"No, it's not that. I think, in fact _I know_, I need to talk to you still. Just maybe only once a week for a while."

"No problems, Edward. I'll have Irina arrange a regular appointment for you. Once you get back in Sydney, we'll make it our face to face time too."

"Thanks, Doc. That sounds great."

I hung up feeling marginally better about the night. I knew nothing would save me when faced with the wrath of Bella's father, but at least I had a feeling that _someday _things would be all right. I would be able to cope with the panic when it built. I could do it on the track - the focus I needed to drive the car usually put all thoughts of panic attacks out the window. I considered what the doc had talked about as I drove the rest of the way the Grand Plaza before my mental 'to do' list took over my thoughts.

I found a drycleaners and put my suit in, insisting they have it ready for me in no more than four hours. I promised them a huge-ass tip if they complied. I went through the pitiful collection of surf shops that Browns Plains had to offer, realising very quickly that I hated shopping for clothes. No**,** I _despised_ shopping for clothes. The only reason my last shopping trip had been bearable was because of Bella.

As if things weren't bad enough - having to trudge from shop to shop to stare at mindless, repetitive fashion - I found I was followed by stares and whispers wherever I went. Everyone seemed anxious to celebrate the 'small town boy' who made it big.

I was in _City Surf_, or _Beach Biz, _or something like that, leafing through their meagre selection of shorts when hands came over my eyes. "Guess who," a horrid, nasally voice whined in my ear.

I had no clue who it was but it wasn't Bella, so they had no fucking right to be touching me. I twisted roughly, dislodging the hands off my face. An overly-tanned face smiled up at me from beneath too-blonde hair.

"Lauren," I choked out.

"I heard you were in town," she purred. "I was hoping for a reunion."

She took a step towards me, and I retreated straight into the clothing racks. I twisted out of her grasp, watching her constantly. I couldn't believe her gall. She knew I was in town, because I had beaten her husband to a bloody pulp my first night back, and yet she was coming on to me. I decided that said a lot about the state of their relationship.

"How's Mike?" I asked. I didn't really care, but I wanted to remind her of her marital vows - not that they'd mattered much to her at the masquerade ball when she'd let me fuck her in the cloakroom.

She giggled – fucking _giggled_ - before she replied. "He'll be fine. He has a thick head, it's hard to do much permanent damage. But I don't want to talk about him. I want to talk about _us._"

She lunged towards me again, her hand reaching towards my crotch.

I jumped backwards but quickly realised I was now boxed into a corner by her. "Whoa! Back the fuck up bitch. There is no _us._ There never was, and there never will be."

She ran her finger down my chest; her nails were like talons and were painted a cotton-candy pink. "Honey, you know you've never had it as good as I gave it to you. And _that_ was just a sampler." Her voice sounded like she was aiming for seductive, but it simply came out sounding needy and pathetic.

I smiled at her - a genuine panty-dropping smirk - before leaning into her a little. I placed my lips against her ear. "You think we were good together?"

Her breathing hitched and she nodded.

"You want a repeat performance?"

She nodded again before tilting her face towards me a little.

"What about Mike?" I asked, still in a hushed tone.

"What he doesn't know won**'**t hurt him." Her voice was so breathy it was almost silent. Her body instinctively moved closer to me. I would have felt sorry for her, having delusions that anything was ever going to happen between us again, except I remembered she had used our one-night random fling as a way to hurt Bella. She used _me _to hurt Bella - as if I hadn't caused her enough suffering. Worse... she didn't even seem to regret it. She didn't regret hurting her own husband. Any empathy I might have developed for her evaporated.

My voice changed from a throaty whisper to a low growl. "You don't have a fucking clue what good is - you were nothing more than an easy lay who threw herself at me like a slut while I was too drunk to care what I was fucking."

I used her surprise at my words to push past her. I walked straight from the shop without a backwards glance. I was angry that she had just come onto me publicly like that, as if she had some kind of claim on me. I let out a deep breath and tried to release the anger with it. I had to remember that there were bigger things, more important things, than Lauren happening in my life. Like seeing Charlie again.

As I walked towards the food court, I heard high-heels clicking against the flooring at a rushed paced behind me. I could tell they were following me. I wheeled around as soon as Lauren's hand tugged at my shirt. She was red-faced and pissed. Man was she pissed. Her mouth twisted into an angry knot, but somehow her forehead didn't shift. The look on her face was almost too funny, and I had to bite the inside of my cheeks to stop from laughing.

"Mike was right," she spat at me. "You're a fucking ass, Masen. I could have given you pleasure, but instead you have chosen the path of pain. Enjoy it, Wanker!" She turned heel and stomped off.

_Whatever, Psycho Bitch, _I thought to myself. I'd seen similar displays from so many women in the past it almost didn't bother me - except now I was with Bella and I knew it would bother her that I treated women so badly. I watched Lauren retreat, her faux-blonde hair swaying around her shoulders. I debated going after her and apologising but thought better of it. Bella might care if I treated women badly, but I figured she'd make an exception for Lauren.

I pushed thoughts of Lauren and Mike out of my head as I went about the rest of my day. No matter what I did I just couldn't shake the feeling of dread that was building in the pit of my stomach.

* * *

I arrived at the Swan residence at the appointed time. I had been cool, calm and collected the whole time I was getting dressed, and remained so, right up until I reached the turn-off for their street. In the time it had taken me to drive from the corner to their house - less than a minute - I had broken out in tremors and was sweating profusely. When I climbed from the car my knees almost buckled beneath me. I took a moment to lean against my car and do some of the deep breathing crap that Doctor Laurent had suggested.

I closed my eyes and tried to visualise positive things. Happy things. The problem was the only happy thoughts I could summon involved Bella and I in various tangled positions in her bedroom. My fingers running over the curve at the base of her spine. My tongue tickling the spot right behind her ear - which always made her moan. Her hands clutching onto me as I pushed myself inside her. Her fingernails digging into my ass-cheeks as she came. None of those thoughts helped me to calm my breathing or stop my shakes, instead they just gave me an instant hard-on.

I made my way slowly down the path, walking carefully so that I wouldn't fall on my ass and so that my erection would stop rubbing painfully against my zipper. As I knocked on the door I was still sporting a sizable lump in my pants. But when I heard Charlie call out, "I'll get it," I immediately felt myself become flaccid. I felt like running. I knew I was too old for _ding**-**dong**-**ditch_**,** but I couldn't help the flight instinct that struck me. Although, in truth, running while my knees were jelly probably wouldn't do me much good.

I plastered what I hoped looked like a confident smile on my face while my insides turned to liquid. The door swung open**,** and I was face to face with my worst nightmare. Killer Charlie in all his glory.

"Edward," he sneered at me from beneath his moustache.

Fuck! I hadn't planned properly for this. I had no idea how to address him. Years ago, before I left, he was just Charlie to me. He was just a father-figure whom I hadlooked up to and who treated me as one of his own children. I gaped at him. _Charlie_. Would calling him that now be interpreted as a sign of disrespect? But then I worried that I would look like a bigger tosser if I called him 'sir' or worse - Mr Swan. I shuddered at the thought. I stared at him and blinked a few times. His sneer morphed into a scowl. He stepped closer to me and - _oh fuck_ - closed the door behind him. Leaving me outside with him.

Alone.

In the dark.

With no Bella or Phoebe between us.

I took a step back, wondering if I should ask him whether he'd eaten tonight.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" he asked.

Fuck he was a scary bastard. It wasn't that he was bigger than me. Physically**,** I probably could have taken him in a fight. He was just... intimidating. He worked with hardened criminals all day**,** so nothing frightened him. Nothing I could do could ever hurt him, unless I hurt Bella - which I never wanted to do again.

"I'm sorry," I squeaked out. I sounded as terrified as I felt. Worse, it was a grossly inadequate way of expressing how much regret I felt over everything I had done to Bella. He tilted his head to the side before walking away from the door and down an alley at the side of the house with only a metre of space between the brick wall and the fence. I eyed his outline as he walked, trying to see if I could make out the outline of a gun or truncheon, anything that he might use to murder me before Bella could come to my rescue. I couldn't see anything obvious, but that didn't mean he didn't have something hidden in a shoulder holster.

I gazed longingly at the door. I knew Bellaand Phoebe were behind it, waiting. My entire life was being blocked from me by that piece of wood. I eyed it wistfully before turning away and following Charlie into the dark. I knew whatever happened next had to happen for Bella and I to move on to the next step.

He pulled open the side gate to the house and indicated that I should go first. I took three steps inside before I hit something solid. I wished I could say it was a brick wall - but it wasn't. It was Bella's big lug of a brother. I turned back the way I came in just in time to see Charlie pulling the gate shut.

A soft click sent chills through my spine. I swallowed hard and put my hands up in surrender.

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**A/N: - Thanks for all the support I've gotten on this little fic of mine. For all the tweets, and re-tweets, for the conversations on twitter & through reviews. Just for being there & reading & reviewing & for... well for everything.**

**The BPOV for this chapter is written but I am away for the next day to two so I will send it as soon as I get home. It will probably be Monday sometime (Oz time) so if you review & haven't got it by say Tuesday wherever you are in the world. PM me.**

**I hope you enjoyed the chapter while I am hiding out at the 'freezing cold' beach.**


	41. For whose benefit

**Chapter 41: For whose benefit**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

The sound of the gate clicking shut had been the sound of my doom.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" Charlie asked. His voice was gruff and full of hate.

I turned towards himand saw that he was blocking the gate with his arms crossed tightly across his chest and his face pulled into a frown.

"Bella was doing fine without you," Emmett chipped in from behind me. I couldn't decide whether or not I shouldturn back toward him - largely because I couldn't figure out who was the greater threat.

"You hurt her so fucking much. Yet you waltz in and immediately expect everything to be fucking hunky-dory again?" Charlie barked.

"I can't believe your nerve," Emmett added.

"I know," I whispered. "I fucked up. I fucked everything up."

They both scoffed at me.

"I know I don't deserve a second chance after everything that's happened since I left..."

"That's right," Emmett said. "You don't."

I ignored him and stared at Charlie. "But Bella has been gracious enough to offer me one. I'm not going to hurt her again."

"I've heard that before," Emmett snapped. "You won't hurt her**,** because she's too precious to you. It's all bullshit isn't it? You wouldn't know real love if it jumped up and bit you on your fucking ass."

"That's not true." I turned back towards Emmett, raising my voice in defence. "I love Bella. I love her, and she loves me."

"I won't let you hurt her," Charlie's voice was strained. The menace in it dripped off every syllable. "It's better that you go now before she gets her hopes up anymore."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"You are," Emmett said, taking a step closer.

"I don't want to leave," I growled.

"I don't care," Emmett was in my face. I could see his fist clenching and releasing by his side. I knew he was getting ready to hit me, but as scared shitless as I was of him**,** I wasn't ready to back down.

"What about what Bella wants?" I retorted. "Doesn't she get a say before _you_ decide that I should be run out of town?"

"I know what Bella wants," Charlie said.

"What's that?" I challenged.

"Not to have her heart broken again. We were barely able to pick up the pieces last time. I won't see my baby suffer through that again."

I pulled my hair roughly. "What do I need to say to convince you?" I sighed in exasperation. "I'm in it for life. Fuck, I'm in it for forever if she'll have me that long."

Emmett laughed; one single hard laugh.

I was getting dizzy from spinning back and forth between them. I leaned against the house and rubbed my face with my hands. "I don't know what else I can say that will convince you." My voice was broken, but I was determined to keep it together. No tears. No panic.

"You may have fooled Bella, but you can't fool me," Emmett said.

"Or me," Charlie confirmed.

"Bella's happy with me. Can't you be happy with that - for her sake? Or for Phoebe's sake."

"Don't you _dare_ bring my granddaughter into this. She's better off not knowing who her father is."

"She already fucking knows who I am."

"How dare you decide something so life**-**changing on Bella's behalf," Emmett said, cracking his knuckles.

I sighed. "Bella _wanted_ to tell her. Bella doesn't think I'll hurt her. If you can't trust me - trust that."

"Bella is a love-sick fool," Emmett said.

"You're your father's son, that's for sure," Charlie muttered in disgust.

"I am _nothing_ like that fucking bastard!" I roared, pushing off from the house and stepping towards him.

"Sure, I mean you've got nothing in common, do you? Screwing random people without concern for who you are hurting?" Emmett scoffed.

I whipped my head around. "That was before. I... I've changed. For Bella." My voice was a hoarse whisper as I repeated myself. "_I've changed_."

"Well, that's quite the turnaround in a month," Emmett scoffed. "From a threesome in a fucking club to life-long dedication to one woman."

I felt the weight of his words. They pressed in on me so heavily I couldn't even stand up straight. I staggered backwards until I was once again resting against the wall. I shook my head weakly as it drooped from my shoulders. I tried to argue once more in my own defence, but spoke without conviction - because I knew he was right. "No. That wasn't _me_. It wasn't who I am, or who I _want _to be. It was... a mistake."

"How many women have you made your _mistakes _with over the years?" Charlie's voice was low and menacing.

"I don't know," I admitted.

"Exactly, son," his voice softened, sensing my weakness. "Can't you see that you are no good for her? She needs to be with someone who treats women with more respect than you do."

I sagged further into the bricks, wishing that the house would open up and swallow me whole - removing me from the situation and the pain from Bella's life. He was absolutely right. I didn't deserve her. I didn't deserve any of her sunshine to brighten my dismal days. I didn't deserve the life I had pictured when I woke that morning. I needed to go. I needed to leave before I dragged her down with me. If only I had the strength to move my legs. I knew if I tried to stand, I would either collapse in a heap or vomit.

"Just go," Charlie said, even softer than before. It was almost as if he was trying to give some sort of much-needed advice. "She'll be better off once you're gone."

I nodded, barely aware of anything around me. All I could think of was the myriad of ways I had hurt Bella over the years. The things I could remember doing and the things I couldn't. The sorrow I had intentionally inflicted and that which had been forced into her life by the wicked hand of fate. A single tear ran down my face and dropped off my nose onto the ground.

A gasp alerted me to the presence of another, but I couldn't raise my head to see who it was. I was sinking into an ocean of despair and drowning. Everything I saw, heard, and felt was black and edged in pain.

My first fear when I had been cornered by Emmett and Charlie was of being physically beaten. However, as I leaned up against the wall - physically unable to move due to the emotional weight on me - I began to think that it would have been preferable. _That_ I could have fought against. But I couldn't fight my mind viciously projecting images of the broken look on Bella's face when I'd left her. Nor could I fight the memory of the ghost of pain that continued to live behind her eyes despite everything I'd done to remove it. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't cope. I couldn't be there anymore.

"Dad! Em? What the hell are you doing?" Bella's voice broke through the darkness like a light. I turned my head in her direction, needing to tell her they were right. That I was sorry – and that I couldn't stay.

"Oh, God, Edward," she whispered when her eyes locked with mine. She could obviously sense my revelation - I wasn't worthy of her. I would never be worthy of her, no matter how much I did to improve myself. She shook her head disbelievingly. Her mouth forming the word 'no' over and over again.

My eyes filled with tears. Even in my sacrifice for her - I was going to hurt her more. I could do nothing right by her. She would have been better off if I'd never existed.

Suddenly, she was next to me. Her scent overwhelmed me, giving me the ability to breathe again. Her hands became warm centres I was concentrating on. I knew I was all wrong for her, but I couldn't help but cling to her desperately.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"Bells," Charlie said, touching her shoulder. "Why don't you go inside? We can handle this."

"Just go, _Dad_," she hissed. "I think you've done enough damage."

"But Bells..." Emmett started.

"You too!" she snapped.

Emmett and Charlie made no move to leave.

"Go!" she yelled.

They both took a step back.

"Now!" She sobbed as the word left her mouth.

"Bells..."

"No! Just please would you leave Edward alone, you don't know what he's been through or what he's done for me."

"They're right," I whispered to her as she gathered my face between her hands. The tears began to fall in earnest, both of us shedding our share. "I've done everything wrong by you. I should go so that you can find the happiness you deserve. You'd be better off without me."

She shook her head again before staring hard into my eyes. Her voice was firm but full of sorrow when she spoke. "I haven't had a _day_ of happiness since you left. Even the days which were good would have been so much better with you by my side."

I shook my head in disbelief.

She brushed the hair from my face, before pulling me off the wall and further into her. "I love you, Edward. Only you. Stay. Please? For me." Her voice was softer. Her eyes searched mine for something. The tears pooling in hers, reflected the ones in my own. As she looked deep into my soul**,** I realised I couldn't deny her a single thing.

I nodded once, then dropped my forehead onto her shoulder.

Charlie took a step toward us and touched her arm. "Bella –"

"Get away from us," she hissed, shaking his arm off. Her hand came into my hair**,** and she kissed my cheek softly, before she turned her face away from me. "How _dare _you. I made my thoughts on this very clear," - she turned back towards me**,** and I could feel the tears cooling her warm cheeks – "I love him."

"I love you too," I whispered.

She turned her full attention to me.

I lifted my head a little, the faith she was putting in me**,** providing me with strength.

Her hands came to my neck. "Why don't we go inside?" she asked. "I know there is someone in there who has been asking for you."

"Are you sure?" I asked in response. "If I just disappeared now, she'd forget me. Maybe..."

"No!" she said forcefully. "It wouldn't be better. It wouldn't be preferable. She needs you. _I_ need you. Now is your chance to step up and be a fucking man."

I chuckled despite the gloom that had settled on me. I nodded. "There's just one thing I need to do first."

She looked at me quizzically. I pushed my hands into her hair and drew her face closer to mine. I kissed her hard, trying to show her my need and desire - even my fears - in that one kiss.

* * *

Waiting for Bella to finish getting ready was a subdued and uncomfortable experience. An uneasy truce seemed to settle over the house**.** Charlie and Emmett made themselves scarce, but at one point I heard Renee chewing them both out in another room. It was the type of thing I usually would have found hilarious, but I couldn't find any amusement in it with the doubts that were playing in my mind.

Even Phoebe seemed to absorb the sombre atmosphere. Although she was excited to see me at first, she quickly fell into thoughtful silence. I could easily say it was one of the most unpleasant experiences in my life - which really was saying something when I considered how my life had been. I was glad that Bella didn't take too much time to finish getting ready. Just before we left I stopped to give Phoebe extra cuddles, trying to draw comfort and composure from her.

The drive to the city was just as awkward; the conversation stale and stilted.

"I'm sorry about Dad and Emmett," Bella said. It was the fourth time she'd tried to apologise on their behalf.

I shook my head. "They were just looking out for you." I couldn't meet her eyes, because I knew if I did**,** I would falter. I wouldhave broken down. The problem was that nothing Charlie and Emmett had said was a lie. I was in constant fear of hurting Bella worse than I already had. I knew I had damaged her in ways I couldn't possibly ever try to fix. I couldn't help but worry that staying with her would cause her more problems in the long run.

"They're wrong!" she said passionately. I watched in the mirror as she blinked hard to try to chase away the tears. "Ask me again."

The insistent tone in her voice drew my attention. I looked across the car at her. "Ask you what?" I said, confused.

"What you asked me last night. On the dance-floor. Ask me again."

"Move in with me?" I asked, trying to confirm whether that was the question she wanted again.

"Yes, Edward. Yes. I want to."

"But what about..." I wanted to raise all the concerns the doctor had raised, the points her father and Emmett had made. I wasn't to be trusted. I was poisonous. Because of me she would be hurt again. She pressed her fingers to my lips to cut me off.

"I don't care about anything else. The details will work themselves out. All I know is I don't want to be apart from you again."

"But, Bella –"

"No, no 'buts'. It's my fault we had a bad start to the night. I thought my father would be more mature than that. He seemed to understand..." she trailed off and then sighed. "Let's worry about that later. For now, let's get inside and enjoy ourselves."

I pulled a face, scrunching my nose in disgust - it might have been for a good cause, but at the end of the day, I was still going to be stuck as the "celebrity du jour" for the night.

Bella laughed a little at me, the melodic tunes lightening my mood a little.

"Okay," I whispered.

"Okay," she repeated firmly.

I climbed from the car, walked around to her side, and offered my hand to help her out. We were in the King George Square secure parking, just a short walk from City Hall, where the benefit was being held. I eyed Bella's shoes as she stood.

"Aren't those a bit of a health hazard?" I asked, trying to distract myself from my melancholy thoughts. In truth the shoes she was wearing would have been lucky to have two-inch heels, but for Bella even that was a trip hazard... then again so were flats.

She poked her tongue out at me. I narrowed my eyes.

"Do that again," I dared her, wrapping my arms around her waist and holding her tightly. She stuck it back out again**,** and I captured it between my lips. I sucked on it before pushing my own forward to meet it. She melted into me as we kissed passionately. I sighed when she shivered against my skin. "Let's get you inside. It'll be warmer in there."

She nodded.

I slung my arm around her shoulders, and together we walked to City Hall. As we came up onto the top of the square**,** two realisations hit me. The first was that the last time I had been there was the New Year's Ball - the one where I had fucked Lauren in the cloakroom. It made me sick to my stomach to think that I had ever stuck my dick into that skanky ho. But the thought that sickened me the most was that she was by no means the worst. I had sunk to much deeper depths during my time away from Bella.

The second thing that I realised was that tonight I was effectively announcing to the public that I was a changed man. I was _arriving_ at a function with a date rather than just leaving with someone else's. Tonight I would tell the world that Bella Swan owned me completely. That I was trying to put my past behind me for a better future. The doubts and concerns**,** which had threatened to drown me all night**,** suddenly lifted. I stole a glance at Bella and realised she was watching me intently.

"Wow," she whispered. "What just happened? You look... lighter somehow."

"I just realised I love you."

She chuckled. "I love you too."

I moved my hand so that it rested on her hip and pushed her into the room slightly ahead of me. A few heads turned to look at her, many turning back for seconds. She was stunning, so I wasn't surprising by the lingering glances she had to endure. But then the realisation of who she was with seemed to domino around the room, and whispered conversations broke out everywhere. I felt like hoisting Bella up onto my shoulders and declaring to everyone in the room that _yes, she was mine_ - or perhaps more appropriately that I was hers.

I held my head up high - unable to stop the huge-ass grin that crossed my features - as I led Bella to our table. It was sitting empty, and I cringed when I saw the sign on the table that read 'Volturi Racing'. I should have known Aro would do something like that to set me up, but I'd already promised, and I didn't want to let the kids down. I grumbled about it in Bella's ear as I pulled her seat out for her.

"Don't stress," she whispered back. "You still have your autograph session or whatever is going to happen. You can mention your true colours then."

"You are not only beautiful, but wise too." I kissed her on the cheek and took my own seat.

Bella glanced around the room, nervous and obviously in awe, as she watched some of the other attendees. I hadn't told her that to get a ticket for fundraiser, such as the one we were at, generally cost between $200 and $500. Not to mention it was upwards of $2,000 for a table. It was where the wannabe rich and powerful came together to show how willing they were to unite for a good cause. This one was for a children's hospital, but another it night it might be for cancer research or the RSPCA. At the end of the day it was usually more about showing themselves off as philanthropic than it was about the actual cause.

The seats at our table filled slowly, until finally just two remained empty. I recognised some of the faces who had taken seats near us. They were all associated with Volturi in one way or another. Jane, the Volturi PR agent, walked in with her business partner, Alec. As they sat across from us, Bella gave Jane a small smile but earned nothing but a glare in response.

I wanted to jump across the table and smack the bitch, but I knew it wouldn't help. I was, for all intents and purposes, the enemy at the table - unfortunately Bella got tarred with the same brush.

Right before the doors were due to close and dinner was to begin, a couple entered. I watched as they walked across to our table. One of them I recognised instantly - Felix Aro - he was Vincent Aro's son. He went into football instead of cars, but despite that I wasn't overly surprised to see him representing his father's team at this type of function. I didn't immediately recognise the woman on his arm, but there was something vaguely familiar about her bright red hair twisted into a loose mess at the nape of her neck. She wore a tight**-**fitting green dress that hung so low that only her nipples were covered - but they were so erect they almost held the material off her completely. I pondered the familiarity of her a little more, watching intently as she sat down.

She turned to face me, her face forming a small smile. "Edward," she purred. "What a surprise running into you here." She sounded anything but surprised**,** and I wished I could place where I knew her from.

Bella gasped beside me**.** I thought it was because of the recognition in the woman's voice**,** but when I turned to look at her, she was staring at the woman as if she knew who it was. I looked back towards the vaguely familiar stranger who knew me for a moment, trying to figure out how we knew each other. As she took Bella's hand and introduced herself I realised exactly who it was. Fuck me, I wanted to groan into my hands. Why was 'Vicki from the club' at this fucking function?

I felt that I should apologise to Bella for dragging her to this place with that woman - as if we needed further reminders of my past indiscretions after the way our evening had started - but I couldn't do it without drawing further attention to the uncomfortable situation. Instead, I excused myself from the table as quickly as I could and went into the men's room. I screamed obscenities at the bathroom mirror for a few minutes**,** before I splashed my face with water. I walked back to the table, shocked to discover Bella and Vicki in mid-conversation. Bella was actually smiling - either she was a better actress than I thought or she didn't actually know who she was talking to.

"So what do you do?" she asked Vicki politely.

"I'm in publishing," Vicki responded.

I squeezed myself back in between the ladies at the table. They continued their conversation, barely acknowledging my return. I buried my face in my hands and sank down in my chair. I heard Jane snicker from across the table, I looked at her quickly and she was wearing a barely concealed smirk. Fuck me. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

**A/N:- Okay I promised it wouldn't be long for an update & here is it... or there it was I guess considering you are at the bottom of it now LOL I will have a reviewer scene for this one, but not sure what or who it will be just yet. It's not written yet & I have an LL update to finish before I can start it so I would estimate it will be 24-48 hours away. If you follow me on twitter, I'll tweet when I've sent them all. But in any case feel free to PM me to hassle me for it if you have reviewed & haven't seen anything by Friday.**

**Can I just say a few words of thanks - thanks to my wonderful fic-wifey's for all the support they have given me, not just in this chapter, or in this story but in general.  
****Thanks to all the aussie girls on twitter who are great pimpers & good friends - who can share a laugh & have a good time (Allyinperth, Sydneytwimum, MyMunkyman, KatieWinkles, Robrator, MrsMoxham, TheOnlyFra).  
Thanks to all the non-aussie girls twitter who talk to me & make me laugh (Northernsally, AFMtoo, I_luv_spunk).  
Thanks to _Sandra_R_ & twilightmami08 who RT me tireless on twitter.  
****Thanks to everyone I haven't mentioned by name (it's not because I don't thank you, just because my brain is running at partial capacity ATM LOL)  
Now that I've mentioned twitter a hundred times I should probably mention that you can follow me on there (at)mpg82 or (at)cullen_racing. **

**Thanks to all my readers, whether you review or not I'm just glad to be able to share this with you (but I never mind if you hit the review button - it helps keep me motivated hearing what you all think).  
Most of all thanks to my hubs (Manhoor) for just being there & being great - love you.**

**I think that's all I needed to mention - until next update :D**


	42. Wine and Dine

**Chapter 42: Wine and Dine**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

The night went from bad, to worse, to downright horrendous. Bella and I endured a three-course dinner with snickers and murmurs all around us. A TV sports journalist came over and queried why I was at Volturi's table - his eyes were lit up**,** and he was obviously thinking about getting a major scoop. I quickly explained that it was just that I was on hiatus at the moment**,** and everyone else was heading to Bahrain. He smiled and nodded as if that made sense**,** but I saw him glancing at me covertly throughout the evening, watching me intensely every time I opened my mouth to speak to anyone at the table - which wasn't often given the company I was in.

It was finally time for me to take the stage for my part of the fundraiser. I was to be sat behind a desk and handed a pile of stuff to sign. Some larger pieces, like a framed V8 superstars poster, were to be auctioned off. But the restwere to be sold individually**,** and I had to be available for an hour to sign autographs. Together with the other 'major' celebrities at the event, I was ushered away from my table fifteen minutes before the auction started to be debriefed on the events. It wasn't until then that I found out that there was going to be a slide-show of some of the families the foundation had helped over the years. I kicked myself mentally for being so fucking stupid. Being at the benefit to help raise money because of my children was one thing, subjecting Bella to what was sure to be a heartbreaking display and not even being there to help her through it was something else entirely. I couldn't even go back in to warn her. On top of that I was instructed to sign autographs and nothing else. I wouldn't have an opportunity to explain that I was Cullen through and through.

As soon as I was directed back into the main hall, and onto the make-shift stage, I looked around for Bella. She was sitting at our table with a small smile on her face. I didn't even think when I broke rank and ran to her. I whispered a quiet warning in her ear, telling her what was going to happen next and letting her know no-one would think any less of her if she stepped outside while it was on. That was all I had time to say before Jane stalked over to me and told me that I was to get back into place and not step out of line again. I started to tell her to fuck off because I was doing _them_ a favour, but Bella stopped me with a quick shake of her head and a kiss on the cheek. It was almost as if she was telling me without words that now that I was here things would be better if I just cooperated. I gave her a quick kiss on the lips in response. It earned a few murmurs around the room as I headed back to the stage.

I watched Bella intently as the slide show started. I saw the small tears run along the side of her nose and clenched my fists at my own stupidity. How could I be so fucking dense? I wanted to run over to her and pull her into my body and tell her it was okay, which was a lie - it would never be okay. She locked eyes with me and something unspoken passed between us. In that second I understood. I felt the loss, the devastation, more acutely than I ever had before, but I also felt the hope and the love. I couldn't say what happened from that point on**,** because I was so focused on Bella. I watched her even as I signed autographs. She surprised me by getting up from our table and purchasing a poster. I chuckled when I realised what she was doing. She brought it over to me to sign.

"You don't need my autograph." I laughed.

She shrugged. "It's for a good cause."

I nodded and signed the poster.

"Besides, one day you might be _really_ famous, and this could be worth money," she deadpanned.

"If I'm ever _that_ famous, you'll be right there alongside me, so you won't need the money."

I rolled up the poster and Bella reached for it, but I snatched it away at the last second. "You need to give something else first," I said.

"And what's that?"

I puckered up my lips. She touched hers to mine for a brief second. Too brief. I couldn't wait to be done with this thing. I sighed as I watched her walk away.

"Do we all get to pay that extra price?" I looked towards the voice who asked. It was Vicki.

I shook my head and offered her an apologetic smile. "I'm afraid I'm a one-woman man."

She looked surprised. "Even though I've seen it myself, I still don't know if I believe it." She looked towards Bella. "So tell me, what does she have that the rest of us don't?"

"My heart."

She laughed. "Some people might think that's romantic, but it's all just crap really isn't it?"

I scowled at her. "What the hell is that supposed to mean."

"It means that we all know what you are like, Edward. You think it was your exceptional pulling skills that had me interested in the club?" She laughed. "You were a guaranteed lay. Edward Masen screws around - that's what he does. Even if he's forgotten that for the moment. It won't be long before you remember... you just need the right wo_men_ to remind you." She raised her eyebrow at me.

I shook my head. "No, never again. She's it for me."

Vicki laughed. "If you say so."

She placed a shirt in front of me, moving the glass of water I had stationed beside me so she could open it up fully and show me where she wanted the autograph. I complied quickly, wanting her away from me, but she lingered even after I had finished.

"Why are you even asking me things like that anyway?" I asked. "Aren't you with Felix?"

She gave a throaty, seductive chuckle. "He's just my ticket in and a bit of arm candy. A girl can hardly come to an event like this alone." She sighed, glanced around quickly and then leaned in close to me. "If you must know... it's his sister, Tanya, that holds my attention. I just like a little dick every now and then - we both do in fact." Her voice made no secret of the fact that she was actually giving me an open invitation to have a do-over of our fateful night in the club.

"Well..." I said, unsure how to end the conversation after her comment. "Good luck with that."

I signalled for the next person to come forward, cutting Vicki off before she attempted seduction again. I took a sip of water before signing the keychain that was thrust in front of me, noting the odd taste in the water. Then again, it was Brisbane city water which never tasted as good as the stuff further out in the suburbs. I thought nothing more of it, until I went to stand twenty minutes later. My legs almost collapsed beneath me and my head began to spin a little. I couldn't understand it, I had drunk two rum and cokes with dinner but hadn't had anything more than that. I staggered back towards Bella at our table.

"Edward?" she asked, her voice filled with concern. "Are you feeling all right?"

I looked at her - trying to make the three Bella's I could see combine into one. I shook my head. "I think I need the bathroom."

She placed her arm around my waist and held me steady as I trailed back to the bathroom. I pushed open the door and stumbled inside. I ran into a cubicle and vomited. I heaved until I had nothing left to bring up. I wanted nothing more than to curl around the base and rest my head against the cool tiles, but the unhygienic nature of the place sprung to my mind.

I struggled to get my legs under me before dragging myself to the sink. I splashed my face with cold water. When I raised my head again, I was shocked by what I saw. My eyes were bloodshot and glazed. I recognised the face reflecting back at me in horror. It was someone I had not seen in a long time, but was a face I hated - the face of my darkest days.

I had to get out of there. I pulled open the door, expecting to see Bella waiting for me, but she wasn't. I fumbled my way from the bathroom, heading toward the front door. I wasn't thinking straight but knew I needed some fresh air.

"Edward..." a voice whispered to me.

I spun quickly, almost losing my footing and narrowly avoided falling on my ass. I looked around to find the source of the voice. The door to the cloak room was open a few inches, and a voice called out from within again.

"Bella?" I asked, trying to work out whether the voice was actually in my mind or was coming from the darkened room.

"I'm in here," she whispered.

I stepped towards the room, pushing the door open and taking a few steps inside before pausing and turning around. The door closed, and I looked to see who had closed it.

"Bella?" I repeated. I didn't know if it was some kind of sick joke. I couldn't understand why she would come in here - she knew what happened in here with Lauren.

"Come here, Edward."

I stepped back towards the door and suddenly lips were on mine. A warm tongue pressed forward seeking entrance to my mouth. My lips parted slightly while my brain struggled to catch up. Something was wrong. Something was off. Something was stroking my dick. I moaned instinctively in response to the touch, but warning bells were starting to go off in my mind. It seemed to happen in slow motion as my brain finally caught up and screamed at me that the touch was wrong... the taste was wrong. Whoever had their hand around my cock and their tongue in my mouth wasn't Bella. That realisation left me reeling. I pulled back quickly. Too quickly. All balance went out the window and I fell backwards into a rack of coats. I retreated as far back as I could and began to scream, "You're not Bella."

Whoever was with me shushed me, but I couldn't be quietened. Someone had their tongue down my throat and it wasn't Bella. I wasn't _that guy_ anymore. I couldn't do that to her. My emotions were spiralling out of control. People barged into the room and it was suddenly full. In all directions I saw men and women; some confused, some scared. Suddenly, my angel cut through the crowd and knelt in front of me.

"Shh, Edward," Bella - my personal angel - said. "It's alright. I'm here now."

I pushed forward, resting my head against her chest. She held me tightly, and calmly directed everyone else to leave. There were murmurs of dissent at first but eventually she convinced them all to leave us alone for a moment.

After a while she pushed me off of her. She stared into my eyes. "I'm going to ask you a question, and I don't want you to lie to me."

"I never..." I was going to tell her I would never lie to her again**,** but she cut me off with a wave of her hand.

"Just promise me."

I nodded.

"Did you take anything tonight? Anything to take the edge off?"

I shook my head.

"Are you feeling okay now?" she asked.

I shook my head again. "No," my voice sounded broken, even to me.

"Can I have your car keys? I want to drive you home."

I looked at her incredulously for a second. I wondered if she realised _no one_ drove my car - I had made a once-off exception for her the night of the drags. Regardless of that fact, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my keys. I placed them into her hand, twisting her fingers into a fist around them.

She stood and helped me up. As she led me from the cloak room to the front door**,** I heard whispers all around. I didn't know what they were saying, and frankly I didn't give a fuck. I just wanted to go, _to be home_ with Bella. That... and maybe to vomit a few more times before bed.

Bella half-carried me back to the car park. I rested against the car as she unlocked itbefore she helped me in.

I crawled into the passenger seat, leaning my head against the headrest, as Bella fastened the seatbelt around me. I was too far gone on the ride home to acknowledge whether Bella was treating my car right.

I didn't even realise we were home until I woke up in her bed the next morning. Bella was fast asleep beside me as I climbed out of bed. As soon as I stood I realised I was not fully recuperated from whatever I'd been slipped last night. I was sure I had been slipped something, it was the only logical explanation, because I as sure as fuck didn't take anything. I looked back down at Bella, lying peacefully in the bed, and wondered if she truly believed me when I said I hadn't taken anything. Had our relationship really grown that strong again?

I snuck out of the bedroom quietly, realising I was wearing nothing more than a pair of boxers. I didn't know if Phoebe was at home or still at Bella's folks**'** house, but I was glad I had something covering my ass just in case.

I went straight for the kitchen and grabbed a glass of orange juice to get rid of the taste in my mouth. It felt like I'd spent the night licking an ashtray. As I downed my first glass of orange juice, I hunted through Bella's pantry for some Panadol, or anything that would at least reduce the throbbing in my head to a dull ache. I threw a couple into my mouth and downed them with a second glass of OJ.

"You popping pills again already?" Bella asked from behind me.

I jumped at the sound of her voice - I had thought she was still fast asleep - before turning around to her. Her words confirmed my fears from earlier; she didn't believe me after all. She thought I had fallen back to my old patterns. I had to convince her otherwise.

"I... um... I really didn't..." I shook my head furiously, fighting back the tears.

Her face dropped, she stepped over to me quickly. "I'm sorry, poor choice of words. I know you didn't take anything last night." She pressed her lips onto mine**,** and I relaxed into her.

"But how?"

"When was the last time you took drugs? And I don't mean sleeping tablets or prescription medication."

I dropped my head to my chest and murmured, "Over three and a half years ago."

"Exactly," she said, nodding. "I know you have... issues... with alcohol. But that wasn't alcohol that made you act like that last night. I think someone might have spiked your drink."

I met her eyes and smiled slightly. The faith she showed in me was one hundred times more powerful than the doubt Emmett and Charlie had b**r**ought back to the surface.

"But what I can't figure out is who or why?"

I shrugged, too happy that she believed me to worry about the reasoning behind the sabotage. That was something we could worry about later. I cupped her face in my hand and brought her lips back to mine. She pushed her tongue forward into my mouth**,** and I was reminded of the surprise that was waiting for me in the cloakroom.

I frowned, knowing the two events had to be connected. I quickly told Bella about it, about the tongue and the hand. My heart broke as I watched her face grow sad. I didn't want to hurt her, but I needed her to know. Not only because it might be important to figuring out who the fuck it was who slipped me something, but also because I didn't want to lie to her. I didn't want her to find out some other way and know that I had lied. I explained that the kiss was the reason I was bundled in the corner of the cloak room.

She placed her fingers over my mouth when I was apologising for the fifteenth time. "It wasn't your fault, Edward. You didn't ask for it. I'm glad you told me though."

I pulled her close to me. "Let's get all thoughts of last night out of our heads for a while," I suggested. "What's on the agenda for today?"

"Work," she said, with a grimace.

"Of course," I said. "Work." I said the word like a curse.

I stood staring into her eyes. "Where's Phoebe?" I asked softly, leaning my lips down towards her.

Bella's eyes fluttered closed. "She's still with Mum. I didn't want to pick her up last night..."

I'd heard all I needed to. I closed the distance to Bella's lips and kissed her fervently. I continued to step forward as my tongue battled with hers. I cupped her ass and pulled her legs around my waist, walking toward the bedroom. If I only had a limited amount of time with her, I was going to make damn sure we got the most out of it.

I didn't stop walking until I hit the bed and tumbled on top of her. My lips went from hers to her neck, trailing kisses down to her sternum. My fingers began working at the buttons on her pyjamas, pulling them open. Each one that I undid revealed a new expanse of skin for my mouth to explore. Her legs remained hooked around my waist, as she ground her hips up toward me, moaning in response to my touch.

I leaned all my weight onto one hand and used the other to start exploring. I kneaded her breasts before bringing one of her nipples into my mouth. I swirled my tongue around the tip, eliciting a panted "oh God". I was leaning over to give the other one some attention when Bella's hand hit my chest, pushing me away from her. I worried that it was because the memory of what I told her had happened last night was still too fresh.

She stood, pushing me backward, before twisting me around and pushing me onto the bed. She ripped my boxer shorts off in one fluid motion**,** and I lay still, looking up at the most beautiful girl in the world. She knelt down on the floor and pulled me to the end of the bed. Before I could really process what was happening**,** her mouth surrounded my cock.

I threw my head back and groaned. The sensation of her warm tongue flicking across the top of my dick was fucking amazing. I grabbed a pillow and propped myself up, I didn't want to miss another second of watching myself slide in and out of her perfect mouth. The sight and feeling was enough to push me to the edge.

"Fuck, Bella, you are fucking amazing," I whispered, my voice stolen by desire. She sucked the whole of my length into her, and I felt myself touch the back of her throat. When she pulled back I stopped her. As much as I wanted her to keep going, there was something more I had a sudden desire for. I sat on the edge of the bed and wrapped my arms around her. I took a moment to explore her skin with my mouth again before pushing her pyjama bottoms off.

"Come up here," I whispered, pulling her hand to lead her onto the bed. I lay back down and guided her so her legs were straddling my shoulders. I licked her inner thigh while my hands ran up her backside. She moaned at the sensation, but quickly realised what I wanted to do. She leaned forward and took my length back into her mouth. I hummed against her skin before turning my head to the other side and gently nipping the delicate skin near her perfect pussy.

I spent a little time running my fingers and lips around her hips and thighs, taking great care to touch everything but the one spot I really wanted. She moaned against me and bucked her hips, presenting herself to me. I rubbed my nose along one lip before pushing my tongue forward to meet her clit. The instant I made contact she gasped around my dick. I pressed forward more forcefully, running the flat of my tongue across her arousal in long, slow motionsas her breath buzzed around my cock. I grew more daring, more ambitious, the louder she groaned. One of my hands ran up and down the small gap between our bodies while the other joined my mouth at her apex.

I pushed one finger inside, rolling it around in a slow circle feeling her muscles begin to tighten around me. The harder I worked her body, the harder she worked her mouth. I took her clit gently between my teeth and rubbed it with my tongue, all the while moving my fingers in, around and back out in a slow cycle. I felt Bella's legs tensing around my shoulders**,** and I began to work my fingers faster. I sucked and nipped but was completely lost to all sensation besides Bella's mouth on my cock. I worked hard to ensure she got off before I did, but it was damn close. As she came, her entire body fell apart around me in a series of tight spasms - including her mouth. Nothing felt better than her coming on me - it was enough to finish me off. I blew my load into her mouth and felt her tongue caressing me as I came.

"Holy fuck!" I cried as Bella dropped her head onto my legs.

I stroked her back for a few minutes, trying to gather myself back up. My head-ache was gone, replaced with a general feeling of bliss. Eventually, Bella climbed off the bed, grabbing my hand and pulling me up as she went.

"Come on," she said. "I have to have a shower if I have any chance of getting to work on time."

It didn't escape my attention that she was pulling me with her into the bathroom.

She pulled her hair out of the loose bun it was in and turned on the water in the shower. I leaned against the door watching her perfect, naked body as she went about her tasks. After she had climbed into the tub and stood under the water she turned back to me, granting me a great view of her incredible tits.

She smirked. "Are you just going to stand there and watch, or are you going to join me?"

She extended her hand out to me. I took it, thinking there were many, many worse ways to start a day. It was too bad I wasn't going to have enough time to completely get my fill of her - then again, that was probably impossible anyway.

* * *

**A/N:- So on a scale of one to ten how excited is everyone for Eclipse? From what I've seen it looks like it might be the best yet. I really hope so. **

**I have one exciting bit of news. One of my lovely fic-wifeys Gabbysways2 is going to be hosting a twitter read-along for Chasing Victory. Friday July 23 6:30 PM PST Chapters 1-16 (which is about 11:30am on Saturday July 24th if you live in my neck of the woods) I know most of you have read it, but if you are on twitter feel free to join in the fun. **

**My other lovely fic-wifey CorrinaTFF has a new story "For Everything There is a Reason" - if you haven't read it yet get on board now! So far the prologue + one chapter have been posted. It's going to be angsty but it is so beautifully written (then again all her stuff is). Link is in my favs. **

**If you want a laugh go check out "'Lessons Extracted Through Using Sex For Underpaid Knuckleheads" (or LETUSFUCK for short *giggles*) it's a Zac & Miri make a porno / Twilight cross-over & is rather hilarious. Seriously hilarious in fact. **

**I will have a BPOV scene on this chap - but I'm slack & it hasn't been written yet. I'll definitely get them all out by the end of the weekend.**


	43. Alone

**Chapter 43: Alone**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

It wasn't until after Bella had left for work that panic over the previous night's event began to set in. I spent hours stressing about everything that happened. I couldn't help contemplating the various possibilities of who could have spiked my drink. I tried to figure out who had the means, motive and opportunity? Who had the most to gain by publicly humiliating me, if that was their intention? Any one of the people at my table could have slipped something into a drink while I wasn't looking.

My mind kept running circles on itself as I ran through the possible suspects. But regardless of how often a name came back around**,** I was still unable to answer two key questions – why, and was it connected with whoever was in the cloak-room? The more I thought about it, the more confused I grew.

The day passed painfully slowly with only my own thoughts and panic to keep me company. At one point, I went online and ordered pizzas for dinner, specifying a delivery time. It was the highlight of my day.

Finally seven p**.**m**.** crept around and Bella was due home. I practically ripped the door off the hinges when I heard a car pulling up out front. I quickly pulled her into an embrace and kissed her cheek, before turning and helping Phoebe from the car, asking her about her day. I slung her onto my hip the way I had seen Bella do previously. Phoebe giggled and grabbed onto my shoulders.

"I missed you so much today," I told Bella.

"I missed you too. Unfortunately, real life gets in the way every now and then. I've still got bills to pay."

"Let me," I said.

"What?"

"Let me pay them. I fu- I owe you. I owe both of you. It's the least I can do."

She laughed. "I can pay my own bills."

"But..." I hedged. "If you are moving in with me, then what's mine is yours. So...it won't matter if I give you some now."

"I can pay my own bills, Edward," she huffed.

"All right." I held up my free hand as a peace offering. "But the offer's there."

She sighed. "Thank you, but I am happier paying my own way."

I put Phoebe down just inside the door.

"What's for dinner, Mummy?" she asked.

"I don't know, sweetie, I'll have a look shall I?"

"Don't bother," I said proudly. "I ordered pizza."

Bella laughed. "That's hardly healthy."

I shrugged. "It's a treat. Besides, I wanted to cook - I just didn't have a clue where to start."

"Well, I guess it shows you are thinking about us at least," Bella whispered as she stepped closer to me.

"I always think about you," I replied. Her mouth met mine with a soft, warm kiss. A proper welcome home. It was strange how comfortable I felt being so... domestic. If someone had told me two months ago that I would be a father, that I would be back with Bella**,** and that I would be the fucking happiest I had ever been**,** I wouldn't have believed them. In fact, I probably would have turned around and smacked them just for mentioning her name. Now I was ready to do anything to have a life with Bella. To have both my girls permanently by my side - the sooner, the better.

"So!" I exclaimed, clapping my hands together for emphasis. "Who's up for some games before dinner comes?"

We spent half an hour playing with Phoebe's toys before the pizza arrived. Then we settled down and watched a little TV. Phoebe drifted off to sleep sitting beside us on the couch so I carried her to her room. As I placed her in the bed I placed a delicate kiss on her forehead.

"I love you, baby," I whispered before turning to follow Bella into our bedroom.

Friday passed in much the same fashion as Thursday. Except it was even less exciting, and my mind had more time to contemplate all the darkness I had experienced lately. I still wasn't any closer to figuring out who was the culprit behind the drugging at the charity event. My mind kept vascillating between Jane and Vicki, but God knows the reason. Somehow Vicki didn't strike me as the sort of person who needed to spike drinks to get what she wanted. Thankfully though, there had been minimal fallout on TV and in the newspapers. It was the third headline of the sports segment on the morning news, but they didn't talk about drugs or alcohol, instead rehasing old press statements regarding the 'stress' that had seen me go on hiatus from Cullen Racing, and speculating if it was the cause of my breakdown. It made page five of the sports pages in the newspaper. I knew enough to know that negative front-page headlines were bad news when it came to sponsors, but buried on page five hardly rated a mention - maybe a slap on the wrist.

It was heading into the late afternoon before my boring peace, and non-stop inner monologue, was shattered by a phone call. As soon as I answered the phone I heard Carlisle's voice come down the line.

"Edward, I need you back in Sydney," he said.

"Uh, sure..." I replied. It was unlike Carlisle not to at least make a little small talk before launching into business.

"I have arranged a flight for you for tomorrow morning. It's imperative you come straight here on arrival. I need to see you as soon as possible."

"Sure thing, but can I ask why?" I was beginning to grow concerned with his clipped tones.

"We can discuss that when you arrive. Your itinerary is on your email. See you tomorrow."

He hung up, leaving no room for discussion. I stared blankly at my phone for a number of minutes until it beeped a few times and switched off - I hadn't realised the battery was so low. I found a spare outlet in the bedroom and plugged in my charger, not thinking to turn my phone back on. As I stood, a sick feeling began to creep up on me. I tried to remind myself that page five was not a big concern. I even tried to convince myself that Carlisle wanted to see me to run some tests with the new car. But it didn't work. I wasn't sure what was going to happen and worse... I wouldn't find out until the next day. Familiar feelings began to creep up on me. I ran to the toilet and hurled. I couldn't get my breathing back under control, no matter how hard I tried.

Bella found me a few hours later, curled into a corner in the bathroom experiencing a full-blown panic attack. As soon as she came near me - as soon as her skin made contact with mine - I felt my breathing calm. She helped me to my feet, and I held her close to me until my heart-rate returned to normal and I was able to function again.

She brushed the hair away from my face. "What happened?" she asked quietly.

"Carlisle Cullen called today," I said. "He... he wants me back in Sydney, but I don't know why**,** I'm so fucking terrified**,** and I don't know what to do." My sentences ran together and fell out of my mouth in a jumbled mess.

"You think it's because of the other night?"

"I don't know..." I raked my hand through my hair. "But I just can't help feeling that something is wrong. Very wrong."

"How are you going to get to Sydney?"

"He's arranging flights. I need to go online and get the details. I just don't know what to do, Baby." I rested my head on her shoulder.

"You get the details, you fly to Sydney and find out what he wants. We'll work out the rest after we know what it's about." She brought her lips to my cheek.

I chuckled darkly. "As easy as that, huh?"

She smiled. "I never said it would be easy. But we can get through anything, together." Her voice seemed to hold a question, as if trying to confirm I wasn't going to run.

I pulled my arms tighter around her and confirmed in a hushed whisper against her hair, "Together."

Phoebe interrupted the moment by running into the room. "Mummy! I'm hungry!" she exclaimed.

Bella laughed and dropped her arms, grabbing my hand in one of hers. We walked to the kitchen, and she started throwing together a meal.

After dinner, we put on a movie for Phoebe before retreating to Jake's room, where the computer was. As Bella booted up the system, I looked around the room. I hadn't notice before, but it was surprisingly sparse. Besides the computer, there was a bed and a very small chest of drawers. Half a dozen shirts and a winter coat hung in the cupboard, but there was nothing to suggest a living arrangement of any permanence.

"How often does Jake stay over," I asked, trying to keep the jealousy out of my voice.

"It depends," Bella answered distractedly. "But generally one night a week, I guess. It's helpful, especially if I have to work late."

"Are you going to miss him when you move to Sydney?"

She chewed on her bottom lip.

"What is it?" I asked, knowing her well enough to know that was her anxious face.

"Well, before..." she cut off. She took a deep breath before continuing, "Before _us, _he was talking about moving to Sydney with me. To help with the costs and everything."

There was more, I knew it. "And if you'd moved to London?"

She sighed. "He would have gone too."

I was floored, but it helped me realise one thing. "He really cares about you, doesn't he?"

She nodded. "And Phoebe is his world."

I growled, not liking the reminder that due to my own stupidity someone else had been playing dad to my daughter for the last three and a half years.

"Please, don't be jealous," Bella said, turning to me. "I know how you feel about him. But I have relied on him for so long - he's my best friend."

"What's going to happen now that there is an _us_?" I asked.

"I don't know." She turned thoughtful. "I guess we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. I still need to finalise all my plans when it comes to the move."

I nodded. She stood and offered the computer to me. The internet was booted up**,** and all I needed to do was log into my webmail. Somehow, the minutes that it took to do that were the longest in my life. I quickly found the airline itinerary**,** but my hands were shaking by the time I pushed the print button. When I turned back towards Bella**,** she seemed lost in thought.

"What is it?" I asked, gently touching her arm.

When she spoke her voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear it. "I was just thinking that perhaps... we should have the birth certificates amended."

The emotion in her voice was so thick it was painful to hear, but it also spoke to me of the trust she felt now. Trust I thought I might never get back**,** and that ran deeper than I would have guessed. A wave of emotion crashed over me**,** and I pulled her into a tight embrace.

"I'd like that," I whispered.

"I would too," she whimpered slightly with emotion.

I realised then that having to put Jake's name on the birth certificate had hurt her as much as it had hurt me to see it there.

After the conversation, I felt braver. I almost felt ready to face Carlisle and anything that he could throw at me. After all, how bad could it be?

After Phoebe was tucked in and asleep, I lay in bed with Bella curled into my side. I thought about all the changes that had happened in such a short time frame. Despite the pain they had caused me and my loved ones, I struggled to regret a single thing that had happened, because each event led me here - back to Bella. Back to love. I squeezed her tighter.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked quietly.

I had thought she'd drifted off the sleep. "Nothing, everything, life," I said cryptically.

"Fair enough," she murmured.

I held onto her tightly until sleep finally claimed me.

* * *

"Come on, you two, or we are going to be late!" Bella ordered from the living room. She seemed keener to get me on the flight than I was to go. I had decided it was much more fun playing in Phoebe's room, even though she was making me dress and redress all her dollies repeatedly. I didn't want to leave the known safety of this house. I had come to think of it as my sanctuary. I couldn't help but wonder if being back in Sydney would make all of this seem less real. I knew it wouldn't change the way I felt about Pheobe and Bella, but being in their house made the whole thing much less dream-like.

Every minute closer the flight time drew was a minute less I could spend with my family. I was dreading the moment when I had to tell Phoebe I was going away and I didn't know for how long. I hoped with all of my heart that I wouldn't need to be away for too long, but until I spoke to Carlisle I wouldn't know for sure. I swallowed hard before biting the bullet. I needed to give Phoebe time to process the news before I had to go.

"Give us a minute," I called back to Bella in response, then I turned back to Phoebe. "Honey, you know Daddy loves you and that I don't want to go away, right?"

She nodded and then stood before wrapping her little arms around my neck. "I love you, too." She squeezed tightly and I wrapped one arm around her waist.

"But Daddy needs to go away for a little while okay? I promise I will be back as soon as I can. I'm never going to go away for a long time again."

Her mouth turned down into a frown. "Why are you going?"

"I have to do something for work, but I'll come back as soon as I can."

She wrapped her arms around me again and pulled my neck so hard it almost choked me. "I don't want you to go," she whined.

"I know, and I don't want to go. But I'll leave my car here, hey? That way I have to come back."

She perked up a little. "When?"

"I don't know, but I'll ring you and Mummy and let you know when I do, okay? And I'll ring every day when I'm gone."

Her bottom lip remained extended into a pout, but she nodded a little.

"Let's go then." I stood and swung her up onto my back.

She giggled as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I jogged out to the living room. "Aren't you ready yet," I called to Bella as I raced past her and out the door.

She followed me out the door and locked it behind us. "Nervous?" she asked.

I knew she could see straight through my bravado so I nodded. I placed Phoebe in her car seat and then turned to see Bella watching me.

She stepped closer and linked her hand with mine. "Whatever happens, I'll be right here waiting for you."

I nodded, then I brought her hand to my lips. "Thank you."

We climbed into the car, and I pulled out of the driveway slowly. A solemn silence seemed to fall over the three of us. Any attempt to break the quiet, whether through conversation or music, seemed to thicken the atmosphere further, or maybe it just felt that way to me.

Finally, we pulled into the airport**,** and I climbed out of the car, leaving the keys in the ignition. We'd already agreed Bella was just going to drop me off and keep my car while I was away. I gave her a lingering embrace and a kiss worthy of a good-bye. I didn't want to let her go, but eventually the security guard came to wave our car on. I let go of Bella's body, but clutched onto her hand as she hopped back into the car, only letting go at the last second. She wound the window down, and I leaned into it.

"Take care of my baby," I whispered to her as she started my Monaro.

She rolled her eyes. "Your car will be fine."

I looked in the back seat. "I wasn't talking about my car."

Her face softened into such a sweet expression. "We'll be okay, Edward, just... call when you can, okay?"

I nodded and gave her one more quick kiss.

The flight was painful. I buried my head in my hands and ignored the world at large as best I could. But every kilometre closer to Sydney was another stake in my heart. The minutes passed in a vague blur as I drew nearer to whatever fate waited for me at the end of my journey. I couldn't even recall disembarking the plane or climbing in the taxi.

The drive to Cullen Racing headquarters was a blur of shadows and greenery. Suddenly, despite the speed with which the morning had passed, time stopped as soon as I was standing alone in front of the building.

During the steps from the footpath to the front door, my feet seemed to be weighed down. I reached my hand into my pocket to pull out the phone and call Bella but realised my phone was missing. I tried to think of the last time I had seen it, but that made my heart plummet. It was when I put it on to charge back at Bella's house. I had been so concerned with spending time with Phoebe that morning, I hadn't even thought to check for it. So I had no immediate way of calming myself down.

I sighed before I swiped my security card to gain entrance. My footsteps echoed off the marble floor of the vast entryway. I had never been there on the weekend; at least not without other people around. It was altogether eerie.

I walked up the stairs toward Carlisle's top floor office. No-one was in any of the other offices, but Carlisle's door stood open. I took that as an invitation to walk straight in. He wasn't behind his desk, but I crossed the room anyway to wait. As I neared his desk I saw something sitting on the green leather. My heart dropped**,** and my stomach turned when I realised what it was. There was no doubt in my mind about this trip anymore. Any hope I had felt dissappeared. I was absolutely, completely and totally fucked!

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**A/N:- Nothing really to say except thanks again to my fic-wifey's for being there for more. Gabbysway2 had to endure more than one long-winded, one-sided conversation with me about CV & CorrinaTFF you know I love you & the tireless work you do for me. I love your magic fingers *waggles eyebrow* LOL**

**Not sure if there will be a BPOV or what will happen for reviewers of this chapter - why don't you push the button to find out ;)**


	44. That's entertainment

**Chapter 44: That's "entertainment"**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

**_What has Edward Masen been up to now? _**

**_The fights. The drugs. The alcohol._**

_Only _Gossip Weekly_ has detailed coverage of Edward Masen's wild week in Brisbane. You don't want to miss a single detail - don't stop reading until the end of our eight-page article. _

The headline was splashed across the front of the magazine, lying almost innocently in front of me on Carlisle's desk. It was emblazoned across a collage of photos of the time I had spent in Brisbane, but by far the biggest photo on the page, taking up the majority of space, was a photo of Alice and I on the hotel balcony during her one-night stay. I was shirtless, her arms were wrapped around me and her head rested on my back. If I didn't know the truth of the moment, I would have thought there was something romantic about the embrace.

This was bad - very, very bad - but I had to know exactly how bad it was. I took a deep breath and turned to the first page.

**_Edward Masen's Wild Week in Brisbane_**

_By: Miss V (Photos by A.T. Entertainment) _

_Prominent V8 driver, and notorious bad-boy, Edward Masen - currently on leave from _Cullen Racing_ due to his disastrous on-track performance - has dipped to new lows during a recent trip to Brisbane, QLD. Now his off-track performance has been called into question. His descent started with his public sex act in _Eclipse,_ the renowned night-spot for the young and upcoming stars in Sydney _(featured in Gossip Weekly issue 294)._ During the past week there have been repeated reports of violence, drug-fuelled rampages and public womanising. _Gossip Weekly_ has secured exclusive interviews with close family friends and people central to his downward spiral. _

The short paragraph introducing the photos was terrible. It was as if someone had been following me around specifically gathering information, and twisting everything that happened around to show me in the worst possible light. I glanced quickly at the photos. My eyes locked on one set, and the block of text that they centred around.

**_The Cafe attack_**

_"I was so scared," Jessica Stanley, formerly a close personal friend of Edward Masen, has revealed to us. _

_"I was sitting at a cafe with Edward Senior, his father, talking about my new role with the bank. He's my work mentor, you see. Suddenly Eddie came out of nowhere. He was screaming and started throwing tables around. It was terrifying." _

_Jessica told us she was thankful that Masen's father was there to control the situation. "Edward really respects his father. If he hadn't been around, I just don't know what might have happened."_

_Having gone to the same school as Edward, Jessica was able to tell us about the changes that have taken place in Edward's life lately. _

_"He used to be a sweet, caring person. But in the last few years he's been slowly losing it. I happen to know that he started taking drugs shortly after he left for Sydney."_

_When asked who was the worst influence Jessica's answer was surprising. "By far the worst influence is the floozy who claimed to be the mother of his child. Despite repeatedly telling her he didn't want children, she apparently tricked him into getting her pregnant. Personally, I think that's what started this whole spiral. It's all Bella Swan's fault." _(For more revelations about Bella Swan, turn to page 7 and 8).

I growled at no one in response to Jessica's interview. Close fucking family friend my fucking ass. She was a fucking whore who no doubt had my fucking father's dick in her mouth every fucking night. I began to shake with rage as I saw the photos. I couldn't believe a photographer had been close enough to get these specific angles without my knowledge. They had to be mere fucking metres away. I tried to recall that day. I knew my anger had blinded me to everything besides my father and his God-awful fucking slut.

I remembered that as I was being pulled away _the sun_ flashed in my eyes. I couldn't believe how fucking idiotic I had been to not fucking realise it was a fucking camera flash. I wanted to slam the magazine shut and declare it all fucking bullshit, but I knew Carlisle had obviously seen it. It explained the phone call and the terseness. It didn't however explain his current absence.

I recalled the last words my father had issued to me - "_Mark my words, boy, you will regret this. I... To think I was about to throw it all away...for you._" I wondered if he could have stopped this. If he had agreed to let Jessica paint me in such a harsh light. It was all too obvious that he was the one filling Jessica's head with nonsense about Bella. I hadn't thought it was possible to hate my father anymore than I did - but somehow he had just reached new lows.

I turned the page, not knowing what else would cover the next three double spreads.

**_The women_ **

_Edward Masen has always been known for his womanising ways, however during his week in Brisbane he took it to new heights. He was seen publicly carrying on with three women within the space of twenty-four hours. Our sources reveal he told each of these women he was changing his ways and was interested in monogamy. _

_It seems even his teammates aren't off-limits for Masen, with our sources spying him at the Hilton hotel with team strategist, Alice Brandon. The pair were very touchy-feely on the hotel balcony before heading off for an intimate dinner at Marco Polo. They were spotted much later stumbling through the streets back toward the hotel. _

_Despite spending the better part of the evening with Miss Brandon, Masen later met up with an unknown blonde to drive to a secluded location at West End. The two were seen in an embrace. However our source confirmed that Masen was seen returning to the Hilton hotel room he was sharing with Miss Brandon._

_Early the next morning, Masen saw Miss Brandon off the the airport and met up with his third apparent conquest, Bella Swan._

Photos were lined up one after the other. Me with Alice on the hotel balcony. Me with Alice at the table in _Marco Polo._ Me with Rosalie at West End - whoever had taken that one had managed to capture the one second where we were actually touching. Me with Bella at the Queensland Raceway.

**_The Racetrack Romance_**

_Insiders reveal Edward was granted exclusive use of Willowbank Raceway to keep his on-track skills honed during his time away. It has been revealed to us, however, that he decided instead to use the time to arrange a rendezvous with his sometimes lover, Bella Swan. The two were oblivious to prying eyes as they were "all over each other", both on and off the track. He even handed control of the vehicle over to her for a period, allegedly ignoring instructions to the contrary. _

A handful of photos accompanied the article, including one of Bella and I kissing up against the car. There was even one taken while we were on our 'private' picnic. I sank down in the chair, my anger giving way to exhaustion as I turned the page again and grimaced at the next part of the article.

**_Planning on jumping ship?_**

_Our reporters spotted Edward sitting with Volturi racing hierarchy at a fundraising event at City Hall. When asked about his future he seemed to indicate changes were coming and that he had a new focus. When we asked Cullen Racing officials about Edward's appearance they claimed to have no knowledge of the event or why their star driver was in attendance. _

_Combined with recent rumours of discontent in the Cullen camp, this suggests there may soon be a changing of the guard at Volturi racing. We spoke to PR representatives who seemed to indicate that a switch may indeed be on the cards. Although they would neither confirm nor deny the rumours, they made it clear it was no secret the team wanted Edward Masen and had been courting him for months._

_One has to question, however, whether any potential offer at Volturi racing will remain on the table after the apparent drug-fuelled paranoia exhibited by Masen during the night. Multiple sources have confirmed that after the official part of the evening had concluded, Masen exhibited various signs of intoxication ending with a tryst in the cloakroom with an unknown woman and an apparent psychotic episode. The majority of psychiatrists we spoke to expressed concerns over Edward's mental stability. _

_The question remains - where will Edward race next year? But perhaps the better question is, should he be allowed on the track while exhibiting such obviously dangerous and destructive behaviour? _

Photos of Bella and I dressed up for the benefit accompanied the spread. As did photos of me in the corner of the cloak room and of Bella helping me out the door and back to the car.

I was almost too scared to turn the page. Even without knowing the full details of what was on the last spread, I could see these eight pages ruining my life. There was no way Bella would think that things were innocent between Alice and I. How could I possibly explain to her that we were just friends? Especially with my history. Everyone who read this damn magazine would be on watch for 'dangerous and destructive' behaviour. With my past would Mum believe me if I said I wasn't taking drugs anymore? And to top it all off, no doubt Carlisle now thought I was planning a coup. My breathing was ragged. I needed Bella. I needed her to tell me that everything would be all right. I wondered whether she would still feel the same as she had before she saw me off. Would we still be as strong? Would we still face anything that came along _together_?

I closed my eyes and gave my hair a yank as I turned the page to the last page of the article.

**_Mother of all lies_**

_By far the most shocking of the revelations our sources have provided is the existence of a love-child between Edward Masen and his on-off lover, Bella Swan. _

_"Oh, Bella was well known in school, if you catch my drift," former school friend, Lauren Newton revealed to us. "Everyone knew she was the go to girl for the boys if they wanted a good time." _

_Lauren also provides an insight into the relationship Masen and Bella Swan had while still at school. "They were always fighting. It seemed like they broke up every other day. But everyone knew Bella wanted to get her claws into him permanently."_

_"That's why she hatched the scheme to fall pregnant; she thought it would make him stay with her._

_"Because I used to be her best friend, she told me what she planned to do one day. I tried to convince her not to, but no matter what I said I just couldn't convince her to change her mind." Lauren told us of her sorrow at the loss of a once close friendship due to the deception Miss Swan planned. "But then he left town. He made the smart choice and left her for his career."_

_Lauren told us that a few months after Edward left town it was discovered that Miss Swan was pregnant. "She never said who the father was, but it was obvious she was trying to pin it on Edward. I was never sure though - the timing always seemed a little off."_

_The scandal has apparently torn apart families**,** and even Lauren's devoted husband, Michael Newton, was pulled into the fray. Lauren confirmed a fight had broken out between Masen and Newton on Masen's first night in Brisbane. The exact reason for the altercation still appears unknown, but it is clear from the video that Masen was the aggressor, attacking a defenseless Newton without warning. _

_"All Mike did was make a small comment about Bella's pregnancy," Lauren told us. "Edward Masen is a loose cannon. And he doesn't understand commitment. In fact, he's propositioned me repeatedly even though I am a happily married woman."_

My eyes burned with unshed tears as I read the spiteful lies of Lauren. She had promised me pain, but I never thought she would use Bella as the tool to deliver it. I didn't believe a single word of the article, of course, but I knew Bella would be hurt by the words. It killed me to think of Bella in pain. I leaned forward in the chair, burying my face into my hands.

"I see you've found the _interesting_ reading material that was delivered to my office," Carlisle's voice was hard and cold as he spoke behind me.

I didn't bother twisting around in my seat. I didn't need to see the disappointment on his face, I could hear it in his voice. I didn't even bother lifting my head, I just nodded into my hands.

"Do you care to offer an explanation?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Will it make a difference?" I asked, my voice was broken and almost silent, because I already knew the answer - and it was a resounding no.

"No. But I want to know how long you've been lying to me."

"I haven't..." I started.

"Bullshit!" he exclaimed. "Look, I know some of that article is rubbish. I'd be willing to overlook half the crap they've written. But Volturi? How the hell could you not tell me about them trying to court you, Goddamnit." He slammed his fist down on his desk on the last word.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I've had a lot on my plate."

He scoffed. "_You've _had a lot on your plate? I was supposed to be on a plane to Bahrain yesterday, but _this" - _he indicated the magazine - "arrived yesterday. So instead of watching the driver who is loyal, and who doesn't ruffle too many feathers, actually make me money I had to stay here and deal with _you,_" he said the last word with such venom I knew I was done for.

I could see the rest of my career flying away from me. I pinched the bridge of my nose.

He stood inches from me, his blonde hair dishevelled and out of place. It was an unusual sight - he was always so immaculately groomed. "The worst part, Edward, is how many chances I have offered. Any other owner probably would have kicked you off the team a hundred times by now, but I didn't. I saw the value in you and offered you chance after chance. And _this_ is how you repay me?"

I shook my head vehemently. "Can I explain?" I asked.

"No," he said the word with such finality I knew my career at Cullen Racing was over.

I held back my tears as I handed over my security pass and other possessions. I was heartbroken. I fucking loved my job with the team. I was Cullen through and through. But through all that, through my loss, my heart clenched with fear. I knew that there was every possibility that this would be the least painful of the losses I would suffer as a result of the article. I knew there was every possibility that Bella would believe every word written and never want to see me again. She could take Phoebe out of my life - and because I wasn't listed on the birth certificate there wouldn't be a damn fucking thing I could do about it.

As I trudged through the foyer, with Carlisle following my every footstep, my frustration grew. Someone had fucked me over big time. Someone had taken everything precious in my life away**,** and I had no damn fucking clue who it was or why. All I wanted to do was destroy something - to rip something, or some_one_, apart with my bare hands. I waited under Carlisle's watchful eye for a taxi. I stood in silence debating whether or not to say anything. In the end I turned to him right before climbing into the taxi and said, "Thank you... for the opportunity. I'm sorry I'm nothing but a fuck-up."

I turned away before I could see the look on his face. I didn't want him seeing the tears on mine. I was facing my first night as an unemployed person. I had no one who I could talk to. No friend I could ask for help. It was just me. And that's all it would be. I could see Bella's reaction to the article already. To the sight of Alice and I in Brisbane. I'd already had two chances with her - and I knew I didn't deserve a third. I threw the cabbie my address and credit card. I didn't want to make small talk with him, I tried to make that much obvious, turning to face the passenger seat window.

Once he had dropped me back at my house I ran inside. I picked up the phone and rang Bella's house. I had to explain about the magazine before she saw it and jumped to the wrong conclusion. Her home number rang out. I rang Mum and begged for Renee's number again. I didn't tell Mum what was happening. I didn't want to break her heart again.

My leg bounced as I waited for someone to pick up at the damn phone. Finally, I heard Renee's voice at the end of the line.

"Edward? What the _hell_ is going on."

My heart sank. I knew she knew something from the tone in her voice. "I have to talk to Bella," I said uncertainly. I wasn't sure what I would do if she refused to come to the phone. I couldn't afford to waste money anymore, I would probably have enough cash available to get me through to the end of the year**,** but then I would have to talk to my broker about liquidating some of my other stocks after that.

"She's not here."

"Where is she then? Can you please give me the number? It's urgent. I need to talk to her."

"No," she whispered. "I can't."

"Why not?" I demanded, ready to challenge any excuse.

"Because she isn't here."

"What?" My blood froze in my veins.

"She's not here." Renee sobbed once.

"Where is she?" I felt a shroud fall around my mind. I couldn't process anything. Where could Bella be when I needed her so desperately?

"Bella's _gone_, Edward."

My stomach plummeted. I needed to vomit. She couldn't be gone, she just couldn't be. "Why?" I asked, my voice cracking halfway through the word.

"I don't know. She called here a little over an hour ago, franticly shouting about a magazine or something. I couldn't get a straight answer out of her - except that she was leaving town."

"No," I whispered, my brain refusing to believe Renee's words. "She can't."

"I'm sorry." I heard the line click as Renee hung up the phone.

"No," I said louder and more forcefully to the empty room and silent phone. "She's not gone. She can't be."

My voice fell as I repeated it again and again, trying to convince myself while knowing the truth. I had hurt Bella too much this time - she was gone.

I yanked the phone base, tearing it out of the wall. I threw it and the handset across the room with a shout of frustration. I sank to the floor, weeping. I couldn't believe it. Out of everything I had experienced over the past few weeks this was by far the worst. The life I had convinced myself I could have was over.

She was gone.

* * *

**A/N:- *Runs and hides* Did I just hear the collective sound of 400 computers (or keyboards) being thrown across the room? I'm sorry :( All I can say is it had to happen, I know that sounds lame but it did.**

**I have a reviewer scene if that entices you to click the button ;) And can I just say I loved Eclipse? Loved it. **


	45. An end is only a new beginning

**Chapter 45: An end is only a new beginning**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

Bella was gone.

The words were hollow - almost meaningless - and yet they ripped through my heart and soul. They clawed at every happy memory I had, pulling it to pieces until I was nothing more than a shell filled with bad memories and pain. I sat sobbing on the floor, unable to do anything more; unwilling to try. My mind cried, begging for relief - for a sweet tonic to send me into oblivion. I wanted the pain to go away, but what was the point without Bella. I didn't even have the small victories my job had provided anymore. I had nothing. Without her - I was less than nothing.

If only I could have had one last chance to talk to her, to explain what she meant to me. I wanted to tell her that I hadn't hurt her intentionally. That I had _never _cheated on her. That all I had ever done was love her, even though my love wasn't enough to save _us. _All that my loving her did, was hurt her more. I should have trusted my first instincts - I should have stayed the fuck away from her. Now I couldn't even imagine the pain she must have been experiencing. If only I could take away some of that pain.

I finally found a small sense of purpose. It was weak, and I didn't know how long it would last, but it was enough to make me stand. I stumbled to my desk, pulling the drawers out and sorting through the shit to find what I wanted. I realised I needed to contact Bella. I had to tell her what she meant to me, even if she never believed a word of it. I would write her a fucking letter and, if I had to, I would mail a copy of it to anyone whose life she had ever touched. Hopefully at least one of them would be able to convince her to read my honest words.

_Bella,_

_I know that when it comes to you, I have made so many mistakes over the years. So many that it is impossible to list them all. The first was letting you go**,** and I know I can never fix the wounds inflicted by that one action or change the repercussions that you feel even to this day. I know I have hurt you in ways I can't even imagine. _

_I know I don't deserve anything from you, least of all understanding or acceptance, but I want you to know what you meant to me. The time I spent in Brisbane was so precious to me. I might never be able to find the words to tell you exactly how precious. All I can say is that rediscovering you was the best thing that could ever have happened to me. For two short weeks I was happy - genuinely happy - for the first time in... I don't know how long. Ever since I moved to Sydney, I have felt a void, an absence that I tried unsuccessfully to fill over the years. I turned to drugs and alcohol to see me through when all I really needed was something much more wholesome and pure. _

_You. _

_I know that now. I know that you are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. The best thing that could ever happen to me - save for Phoebe. Our little miracle. Please make sure she knows she was made by love, even if things have become fractured and broken along the way._

_I don't expect anything from you. I do hope you'll recognise the absolute honesty in my words and in time might even come to think kindly of me. But please know that you will always be my only true love. You will always be the last one on my mind when I go to sleep and the first one I think of when I wake up in the morning._

_I promise that no matter what anyone else says, I was completely and utterly faithful to you every second I was with you. You are the only woman I want for the rest of my life. _

_I understand that I have screwed up so utterly and completely that you may never be able to find it in your heart to forgive me. If that is the case, can I ask just one favour? Please don't take Phoebe from my life as well. Please allow me to continue to be her father. It pains me to think that I've lost you, but if I were to lose her as well... it would kill me. _

_Forever yours,_

_Edward._

I re-wrote the letter a number of times, not caring how many tears I shed on the pages, before folding all of the copies up and placing them in envelopes. I didn't know if it would be enough to get Bella to understand, but I had to try. I walked out of the study and toward my liquor cabinet. I gathered up all the bottles and carried them upstairs.

I couldn't deny that the sight of the alcohol tempted me. The bottom of those bottles held the promise of oblivion and temporary peace. The old me would have drained every single drop in a desperate attempt to find that momentary forgetfulness. But Bella's words from the day we made our agreement were running through my mind as the bottles clinked together in my arms. _"One thing goes wrong and you fucking drink yourself into oblivion and end up in thehospital. I mean Christ – what if I'd left for the night or didn't hear that bottle smash. You could have been fucking dead. How would I explain that to Phoebe? How could I tell her that her father died in a fucking alcohol binge session because one thing didn't go his fucking way?"_

I couldn't do that to Bella or Phoebe. I couldn't do it to _myself_.

When I reached the top of the stairs, I went to the bathroom and placed the bottles gently on the floor. I knew that the longer they were in the house, the stronger their siren call would become. I didn't think I was strong enough to resist it for long. As it was there was a small voice in the back of my head that whispered to me, working to convince me to keep _one _bottle aside - to drink just a little; it whispered that I could stop after one. _A little bit wouldn't hurt. One glass. One sip. Something. Anything. _I tuned out the voice as best as I could as I stood on one side of the bathroom and, one by one, picked up the bottles and hurled them into the bathtub. The sound of the glass crashing and the liquid glugging down the sink filled me with a sick sense of purpose, which morphed into an aching loss when the last one was smashed. The voice in my mind started a lament for the loss of my salvation.

I turned my back on the alcohol-stained, glass-filled tub to drag myself into the bedroom. I squeezed myself into a tight corner in the back of my wardrobe, shutting light and life out, and just let it all go in the darkness. Every tear I had ever held in, every curse I had ever bitten back, every bit of pain and agony came to the surface, and I curled there, letting them all claim me. Four years of wasted life ripped into my chest like a monster from a childhood nightmare. It was beyond me to fight the beast back, so I gave up and let it consume my soul.

At some point, someone began banging on my front door. The sound briefly distracted me from my destructive darkness, but I couldn't find it in myself to give the solid pounding anything more than a moment's attention. I couldn't even raise my head to acknowledge the noise; there was no way I would be able to climb to my feet, trudge down the stairs**,** and answer it. It didn't matter though; because nothing mattered anymore. Everything important to me was gone. My career, which had once flown so high, had sunk to such depths I couldn't see any way for it to be salvaged. But by far the worst loss I had endured was the love and family that had been cruelly ripped from my life too soon. I would give back everything I had ever achieved on the track for just one more day with Bella; for just one more hour with Phoebe.

After some time, the banging stopped, and I was alone again. I didn't know minutes from hours, or hours from days. I could have been hiding in the back of my wardrobe for days, or hours, or seconds. I had no idea or inclination to care. The blackness in my heart and surrounding my eyes was too absolute. I was happy to reside there for the rest of eternity. I deserved it for the darkness I had bestowed on the purest soul in the world.

Thoughts of Bella crept into my mind, invading all my senses. Reckless hope mixed with unending despair, twisting my insides into knots that might never be undone. Eventually, my mind began to crack, and I heard the voice of an angel call my name. I wondered if some God had granted my prayers and struck me dead, but I knew it couldn't be true, because I wasn't destined for heaven. It wouldn't be an angel calling for me there. I listened to the beautiful voice, until I was compelled from the ground by the majestic sound. It was enough to pull me from my hiding space and send me hurtling out of my bedroom.

I stopped dead when I saw the sight at the bottom of the stairs. I fell to my knees and said a silent prayer of thanks to whatever God had granted my prayers.

Bella stood waiting on the ground floor. She was wearing the same clothes she had been in when she'd left me at the airport. Tears streaked her face, and it looked like she had just endured the worst twenty-four hours of her life - but she was there. I didn't know if she was getting ready to scream and shout at me, but I didn't care – because she was _there_.

"Bella," I sobbed.

At the exact same time, she whispered, "Edward."

I threw myself down the stairs with no regard for safety. I had only one goal - one objective - to get to Bella. I needed to hold her and know that she was really there, that it wasn't some sick joke my mind had invented to torture me.

As soon as I hit solid ground, Bella's warm body smashed into mine. Her hands grasped my face, guiding my lips to their home. My tongue pushed forward eagerly, attempting to imprint the memory of her taste on itself just in case this was the last time I would ever be allowed the opportunity. My hands gripped onto her waist and pulled her against me so that there wasn't an inch of space between us. But even though I could see, feel and taste her, I still couldn't believe she was really there.

I finally released her mouth, moving my lips to plant continuous small kisses on her mouth and cheek. I whispered her name again and again as a reverent prayer. Finally, I laughed in spite of myself. The joy I felt at having her close again pushed aside any concerns that it wouldn't be for long.

"I can't believe you're really here." I chuckled. I kept the questions of how and why suppressed because I didn't want to break the spell that was keeping her in my arms.

"Are you all right?" she asked before kissing me again.

I shook my head and gently clasped her face between my hands as I continued to pepper her with kisses. "It doesn't matter how I am. I don't matter. You're here. You're really here."

"Edward..." she started, but I stopped her.

"I need to talk to you first..." I braced myself for the worst. How could I explain what I had seen - what I didn't want her to see - without sounding guilty. "I need you to know something, before you hear anything from someone else." _Or see the magazine for yourself_, I added mentally.

"It's too late," she said. "I already know what you want to say - I've already seen it."

I froze. Her words confirmed my worst fears. My body sagged against her, and I pulled her closer to me, fearing the moment she would speak the words that would finish me off.

"Please don't take Phoebe away from me," I whispered. "I couldn't bear it if you did. I need her in my life. I need _both _of you in my life. _Please... don't... leave_."

She touched her hand to my cheek. "I'm not going anywhere."

"But the magazine... the story. _Alice."_

She smirked at me. "I know."

"Don't you think I cheated on you?"

She shook her head. "I trust you, Edward...unless you want to tell me that you really did have an affair with your co-worker?"

I shook my head. "Alice is just my friend - that's all. There's nothing else between us."

"I thought so."

"But why? Why do you believe me?"

She chuckled darkly. "Would you prefer that I didn't?"

I held her even tighter. "No."

"I stopped to get bread and milk on the way home from the airport when I saw the magazine. At first I _was _shocked**,** but I couldn't help myself - I bought it on instinct. I've been buying everything with you on the cover for as long as I can remember." As Bella spoke she rubbed the spot between my shoulders, where my tattoo was. "As I read the article I realised a number of things."

"Like?" I held out hope that maybe things weren't permanently damaged between us.

"Well first off, I know for a fact that nothing is going on between you and Rosalie, even though the article insinuated that there was." She chuckled darkly at the thought. "Second, you might not remember, but you sent me a text that night. You told me about the great time you were having with your friend and that you missed me and wished I could meet her. And lastly, when I got back from the airport, I found your phone. I turned it on, just in case anyone was trying to contact you. I thought I could at least tell them to contact you on your home number. There were about twenty missed calls from one number."

"Alice," I whispered.

"Alice," she confirmed. "After I'd turned the phone on it rang again. She told me what Carlisle was doing... and made sure I knew about the article."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into my shit. Maybe it would have been better if I had never come back."

"Don't say that. Don't you _ever_ say that!" she declared vehemently.

"I just don't understand why they would attack me like that. And why they would attack you at all?"

"To sell magazines?" she offered.

I shook my head. "It feels like there is more to it than that. It's almost like..."

"Like _everything_ is connected," Bella finished my sentence.

"Exactly." The more I thought about it the more it made sense. It was no coincidence that the photographers were at the benefit, and someone had to be following me to have gotten the photos of Alice and I, as well as the photos with Rosalie.

"Jane," she whispered.

"What?" I pulled away, shocked. My own mind drifted toward the one woman who seemed to be around each time things had gone to shit.

"Jane," she repeated louder. "She mentioned something to me, at the benefit, about hearing something around Volturi. She said Aro was not above using dirty tactics to get to you."

"You think this might be just to get me on his fucking team?"

"I don't know," she said. "But if it was, it's worked hasn't it? I mean..."

I closed my eyes to block out the unfinished part of her statement. Yes, I was sacked. She knew it and I knew it, but neither of us could use the word. "No, it didn't."

"What?" she asked.

"I might be out of Cullen Racing, but there is no way in hell I would race for that fucking lunatic. Especially not if he's orchestrated this. I'd rather stay unemployed."

"You know you'll probably never know for sure whether he did or didn't."

"I know. But regardless, it would mean moving to Brisbane when you are moving down here. I'm not going to choose a job over you again, Bella. That's a mistake I am not going to make twice."

She kissed me softly in response.

I closed my eyes and rested my head on her forehead. "Not that I am complaining, but what the hell _are_ you doing here? And where is Phoebe?"

"After I spoke to Alice, I didn't even think about it. I threw together a few basics for Phoebe and I, climbed into your car and just drove. Phoebe's outside right now...with Alice."

"Alice?" I asked. I was still amazed that this beautiful, understanding, loving woman was actually standing in front of me. But it was even more amazing that she trusted my judgement enough to put our daughter's care in the hands of one of my friends.

"She was camped on the front doorstep when I arrived. We weren't sure what state you'd be in, so we thought it would be better for me to come in alone. Just to be on the safe side."

"You mean to make sure I wasn't lying in a pool of my own vomit after a drinking binge?" I challenged, realising the real reason she put her trust in Alice.

"Something like that," she said, stepping back and linking her fingers with mine. "I'm sorry, I tried to have faith, but... I wasn't sure. I didn't want Pheobe to see..."

I sighed. "I don't blame you, really. It _was_ a close one."

"But you didn't?" She beamed at me.

I shook my head. "I couldn't."

She brought our linked hands to her mouth and kissed mine softly.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you too. Let's go get Phoebe."

I nodded. Hope, happiness and love filled the void I had felt since I'd climbed onto the plane. I refused to let go of Bella's hand as we walked to the front door, together.

"How did you get in anyway?" I asked.

"Have you forgotten already?" She laughed, before holding up the three-hundred dollar keyring I had given to her with my house keys dangling from it.

I smiled in wonder at the amazing woman who had blessed me with her love.

As I walked out the door, Phoebe threw herself at me. "Daddy!"

I let go of Bella's hands just in time to catch her. Bella wrapped her arm around my waist as I stood back up.

"Alice," I greeted semi-formally. I wasn't sure where things stood between us.

"Wow, Edward, this" - she indicated Phoebe and Bella - "suits you."

"Thanks." I couldn't meet her eye. I knew she had read the magazine and I wasn't sure how much of it she believed.

She tickled the back of Phoebe's neck before resting her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry about Carlisle," she whispered solomnly. "I tried to convince him to let you stay but...he just wouldn't. He's very old-fashioned. Loyalty is the thing he values above all else. He feels betrayed. I told him there was probably a misunderstanding, or flat**-**out lies, but he refused to listen. He just felt too hurt."

"It's okay, Alice." It wasn't. I was just putting on a brave face**, **but still there was _some _truth to my words because I had Bella and Phoebe. Nothing else mattered compared to that. "But why aren't you in Bahrain with everyone else?"

"I couldn't go," she said. "Not after Carlisle told me."

I realised what she had sacrificed to help me. "Thankyou for your support."

She nodded but then appraised the arm Bella had around me. She obviously felt as though she was intruding, because she made a hasty retreat. "I'm going to leave you in Bella's capable hands," she said, smiling broadly. "But I'll be back soon. I don't care if you are not with Cullen Racing anymore - don't think you can escape me that easily."

I just nodded, although inside I blew a sigh of relief. Obviously Alice wasn't going to let anything in the article colour her opinion of me.

She turned to Bella, grabbing her hand. "And you - I can tell already that we are going to be great friends. Keep in touch won't you."

Bella nodded and gave her a small hug. My small family stood watching as Alice climbed into her car and drove off. I perched Phoebe on my hip and wrapped my arm around Bella's shoulders.

"Let's go inside, my two beautiful girls."

Bella nodded and smiled. I didn't know what would happen next, but I knew Bella would be at my side through all of it and that was all that mattered.

* * *

The day after Bella's mercy dash to Sydney, I received a highly anticipated phone call. Even though my sacking from Cullen Racing had yet to be announced publicly, Vincent Aro called to offer his condolences and a position on his team. He promised he would "find some way of getting the press back on-side." I knew without doubt then that it was all a bit too coincidental**,** so I growled down the phone at him and told him somewhat politely to go fuck himself.

Later that evening, Alice came to visit us. She brought a copy of a press release from Cullen Racing with her. It announced my standing down and the appointment of a new driver. Apparently James Blake had decided to jump ship from Volturi and head**-**up Cullen. I knew exactly why Carlisle had made selected James as a driver. Carlisle took business personally and it was his version of an eye for an eye. If I wasn't so devastated that Carlisle had appointed a fucking lunatic as my successor, I would have laughed at Aro's fate. He had gone from attempting to woo me, to having no star driver at all.

Alice had spoken at length to Jasper in Bahrain. Apparently Jasper had told her that James was crowing about his new position. He changed teams because he was pissed off at the lengths Volturi Racing went to in order to get me on their team. As such, he was only too willing to open his mouth and spill what he knew - which wasn't much but still revealed a lot.

"He's been given the new car," Alice said, sounding disgusted.

"Well, that was the one that was supposed to be mine." I tried to sound flippant, but it still hurt to talk about losing my position on the team. Thankfully, Bella and I had spent the previous twenty-four hours in deep discussion, planning her move to Sydney, and I hadn't had much of an opportunity to stop to think about it too much.

"He's an arrogant ass!" Alice exclaimed. "He doesn't belong on the team."

I chuckled inwardly, knowing there was a time she would have said the same thing about Jasper - or me.

"Apparently, he's done nothing but brag about everything he _thinks_ he did at Volturi. If I was to believe everything he told Jasper, he single-handedly built that team from the ground up."

"Why don't we talk about something else," Bella said, reaching across the table to stroke my hand. She could obviously sense my discomfort.

"Sorry," Alice said, casting her eyes downward. "But there was something he said which I thought you might be interested in."

I raised my eyebrow.

"Apparently, Vincent Aro's elusive daughter, Tanya, is CEO of A.T. Entertainment."

I leaned forward. _That_ was an interesting piece of information. A.T. Entertainment was the most prominent paparazzi group in Australia. It was also the group responsible for all of the photos that graced both _Gossip Weekly_ articles. I knew it wasn't a coincidence and felt partly vindicated by the poetic justice that had been dealt to Aro.

I thought back to the night in the club, and the magazine cover that followed. My face was clear in all of the photos, but the faces of my two female accomplices had been obscured. At the time, I thought nothing of it because, although they were in the VIP room, I didn't recognise them. I had assumed that, unlike me, their faces weren't going to sell magazines. I never once thought it was because of who they were. I growled, realising someone had been playing a long game with me - Aro, his fucking daughter and her lover. They had played me like a fucking fiddle.

I wanted to get angry and exact revenge on them, but then I looked at Bella and Phoebe. If not for that first article they would not be in my life. If not for the second - more scandalous - article, I would never have known how much faith Bella had in me or how strong I could really be. It was a fucking hard trial, but I had passed. I still wanted revenge, but I could wait for it.

Over the next few days, Alice was a regular visitor. As she'd predicted, she and Bella had become almost instant friends. The two of them distracted me from my worries over the situation with Cullen Racing. Bella arranged to have the Wednesday and Thursday off of work to spend more time with me in Sydney. We booked her flights to return to Brisbane on Thursday morning.

The first thing Bella did was read through my contract with Cullen Racing, but found nothing we could do. Carlisle had ultimate veto over the agreement. Bella convinced me that if I wanted a chance to get back into a reputible racing team - or any job really - I needed to handle the press in a dignified manner over the next few weeks. It was make or break time for my life. I had to stand up and be ready to claim what I wanted as soon as the opportunity arose.

It hadn't taken long before I needed to put Bella's advice into play. I got my first call from the press mere minutes after the press realease was issued. After that first call it was almost non-stop. The media had a raft of questions, but mostly they boiled down to the two most vital ones. Who was I driving for now, and what was the reason behind the split from Cullen Racing? Following Bella's advice, I always gave the same answer each time - I'm not driving now, and no comment.

Alice came over again on the Wednesday after my sacking. As she was leaving, she turned to me. "There's something else," she said, starting to fidget. "Carlisle and I have been talking... he wants to see you in his office first thing tomorrow."

"What?" I asked. "Why?"

"I don't know," - her smile suggested otherwise - "but I think he might be having a small change of heart."

I shook my head. I wouldn't believe it until he told me so himself.

* * *

I walked down the hallway towards Carlisle's office. Last time I had tread this path, it had led to one of the darkest moments in my life. Now it seemed to offer a small ray of hope. I knocked on the door.

"Come in," his voice called. I pushed open the door and saw Carlisle stationed behind his desk. He regarded me sternly as I entered.

"I heard a rumour that you were offered a place at Volturi."

I shrugged trying to play it nonchalant, but feared that I was failing grossly.

"I also heard you turned it down."

I nodded.

"Why?"

"I don't want to race for just anyone."

He raised his eyebrow at me.

I sighed before continuing. "There was always a reason I took the job here. I _wanted_ to work here long before I was offered a place. It was my dream."

He leaned forward onto his elbows, resting his head on his knuckles. "I can't have you race here anymore, Edward," he said, gauging my reaction closely. "Your latest series of stunts, whether true or not, have generated too much bad press. The sponsors that bring in the most amount of money are the family-friendly ones. You just don't have anything to offer us in that department."

I wanted to laugh at his words. Until Bella had flown home with Phoebe, just a few hours earlier, we had been the perfect picture of domestic fucking bliss. And regardless of the outcome of this meeting, I was driving straight from Cullen Racing to Brisbane to meet back up with them and help Bella pack up her house. We'd decided she would move to Sydney early.

"However, despite the difficult days you have endured recently, you have shown fierce loyalty to Cullen Racing. Loyalty like that is rare indeed, and I believe it should be rewarded."

My heart started to stutter, but I tried to remain calm. I leant back into the chair, attempting desperately to give off an air of indifference.

"I have talked at length with Liam, and he's agreed to take you on as an apprentice mechanic. If you are interested, that is. I know you have some talent in that area."

I wanted to slam my fists on the desk and tell Carlisle to shove that up his ass. From driver to apprentice grease monkey. I would be the laughing stock of the team. But then I remembered I had Bella and Phoebe to support now. Being an apprentice _would _give me a trade. Something to fall back on or move onto. I stared impassively at Carlisle.

"I still think you have so much potential as a driver, young man. It's unfortunate that it's just not possible right now. I have to think of what is in the best interest of the whole team, not any individual within it. But I feel that I should remind you that you are young. Right now the most important ally you have is time." He looked at me sternly, and I realised he was trying to portray a message. "If enough time passes, some controversies can be forgotten by the public - and the sponsors. Especially if no new ones come to light."

I nodded. My heart was in my throat as I pieced together his cryptic clues. There was a position for me at Cullen Racing - perhaps even my old position - if I could avoid being in the spotlight for the wrong reasons.

"So, Edward, what do you think of my offer? Obviously it will mean a reduction in your salary, but you could start back on Monday... if you would like."

I glanced at the hand extended to me across the desk. The olive branch that might one day see me back in the seat of a V8 without having to sacrifice Bella, move or work for an asshole. I didn't blame Carlisle for the decision he had made to kick me off the team. I knew he had felt hurt - all the evidence pointed in the direction of the conclusion to which he jumped. The fact that he was even admitting he was at least partly wrong showed his integrity. I knew it was going to be difficult to swallow my pride and deal with the shit that was sure to result from my choice, but I would be back at my dream team, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Bella would be by my side through it all. It wasn't a difficult decision, but I wrestled over something internally for a few minutes before stating, "On one condition."

The hand wavered and dropped just a little. "What's that?" Carlisle asked sceptically, as if shocked by my unwillingness to accept the offer carte blanche.

"Can I start in one month?" I asked, offering my hand in response. "I have a few issues to deal with at home first." _Like Bella's move._

Carlisle smiled broadly at me as he grasped tightly onto my hand with both of his own. "Welcome back to the team, son."

* * *

_"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."_

_~ T.S. Eliot ~_

**

* * *

****A/N:- Okay so the sad news is that is the last full chapter of Chasing Victory, but I will have an epilogue posting soon. I do have an alternate POV scene for reviewers of this chapter which you might find interesting.**

**Thank-you all for taking this journey with me. The ones who've been with me from the beginning & the ones who have just joined along the way. Lots of love to you all.**

**A last thank-you to my support network (you all know who you are) for just being so great. **


	46. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations, I'm just torturing them. Thanks to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my fuck-awesome fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF) for looking this chap over for me. Please take the time to leave some words if you really loved it or really hated it!_

* * *

I slid the HANS device over my head, before placing my helmet on over the top. The butterflies in my stomach were dive-bombing as I climbed into the car. I almost couldn't believe it - I was back in control of a V8, and although I would have preferred to have gotten my second chance through a different set of circumstances, I couldn't deny my excitement. I closed my eyes for the briefest second. As much as I had enjoyed wielding a wrench for Liam, it was nothing compared to the feeling of euphoria that was building within me as I waited to drive. I secured the netting to the window and pulled the straps on the racing harness tight. I was ready to race. I gripped tightly onto the steering wheel, unable to help the fact that I was grinning like a school-boy.

Once I was given the all-clear, I started the car. I spent a moment listening to the purr of the engine - an even sweeter noise now that I could appreciate the effort that was extolled putting each piece together. My mouth was dry due to my anticipation, so I took a deep drag on my water line. Nothing could beat the feeling of being in control of a V8 - well... almost nothing. I thought back to spending time with my girls as we prepared for the trip to the track. That - my family - beat racing hands down and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I knew that somewhere in the stands they were watching, waiting for me to show the crowd that I was still able to do this. That I wasn't washed up, despite the rumours. I revved the engine and the deep thrum that issued was like the welcoming calls of a lover - albiet an angry lover.

I edged forward from the pits, taking my time to get to the end of the lane because it didn't matter how quickly I hit the track. So long as once I was out there I did my thing fast. I had twenty minutes to qualify. Twenty minutes to get my beast around the track as fast as I could. Twenty minutes to justify the faith Carlisle was putting in me for this meet.

I tried not to remind myself that the last time I had driven a racecar - really driven, under race conditions - was at Bathurst. The race that had changed my life in so many ways. The race that led me back to the arms of the woman I was put on this earth to love. The woman who was sitting somewhere not too far away from the pits, no doubt worrying her lower lip with her teeth out of concern for me.

As soon as I hit the end of pit lane, I slammed my foot to the floor. I quickly made my way through the gears. I may have been a little rusty compared to how I once raced but, in that moment, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was in a car again.

I was _racing _again.

I couldn't help but think to myself, _Fuck yeah baby, I'm back!_

**

* * *

****Don't forget that the ever-lovely Gabbysway2 is hosting a #readalong on twitter for Chasing Victory on the 23rd July. We are starting 6:30pm PST so come & join us ;) it should be fun revisiting where RCE used to be - a clueless ass! **

A/N:-

**So maybe it's not a true epilogue as much as a "future shot". **

**I should mention that reviewers will get another future scene :) and if you are not a reviewer, I have been posting the outtakes & alternate POV's as a seperate story. I will continue to post these over time until it is up to date.**

**I know I said it after the last chapter but thank you for taking this journey with me. If you are ready to disembark, we (or I should say I) thank you for your time, love, reviews, recs etc during the time this has been going. Please don't forget to take your personal belongings with you and hope you travel with us (or I should say me) again soon. ****However, if you are not *quite* ready to give up RCE and Momella read on:**

**So... at the end of chapter 45 I said it was the last full chapter of Chasing Victory... and it was... BUT... as some of my regular reviewers have pointed out there is much more left to this story. Much, much more in fact. Don't get me wrong, I love where this has ended. Edward and Bella are together and about to embark o****n**** the rest of their li****v****e****s - ****whatever that brings. I feel that this is a natural conclusion to that part of the Edward/Bella story. But it**** is with that in mind, that I announce a sequel. **

_**Claiming Victory**_** will start very soon****. **

**I will post a chapter as a "preview" on Chasing Victory to let you know when it is up. I plan to have a mini-break, but RCE is very loud so I don't think it will be too long before he's screaming for me to write his story again. **

**The aim for Claiming Victory is to continue their journey but also to have it stand alone. I'd love to see everyone at the starting line soon :)**

**(runs to hide from possible abuse - please don't hate me!) **


	47. Claiming Victory tease

**Claiming Victory - Chapter one - tease**

_A/N: I own nothing - not even a snappy disclaimer. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my lovely betas (FE71SH & CorrinaTFF) & my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

**_This is just a very small teaser to let you know that chapter one of Claiming Victory will be up within the hour. _**

**_:) _**

**_It's time for this ride to begin again._**

* * *

Life was easy at the age of nine. Girls and boys could be just friends, with no ulterior motives and no hormones getting in the way. That was the way it used to be between my best friend, Bella Swan, and I. It was simple. Whether we were sitting at her house on a Sunday afternoon playing monopoly with her brother, Emmett, or swimming at the local pool - it was effortless.

Life was something measured in moments of fun between the drudgery of school lessons. A career was something that parents had; it wasn't something that required any further thought than creating an endless list of "when I grow ups". Marriage, kids, the future; they were all foreign concepts not needing consideration on a day-to-day basis.

Somehow, at some point after that, things began to change. There was no discernible age when things became different - they just did. Suddenly, girls were more than merely someone else to talk to or another person in the playground to befriend. They were interesting in their own unique way. They became mystifying and bizarre. Suddenly, boys and girls couldn't be 'just friends'. That's how it was with Bella and I.

When we entered high school, I began to notice things about her that I had never seen before - and it wasn't just the obvious physical changes. I started to notice how her lips would caress the end of a pencil as she studied. How her fingers would twine loosely in her hair when she was deep in thought. I began to wish I could know what it was like to be that pencil, or have her fingers caressing my hair so softly. When that changed - life changed.

In no time at all, things became complicated. It was no longer about board games and summer fun, but about study, and university, and careers and...well...life. The future was no longer a passive thing to be worried about at a later date. It was real and it was happening. We each needed to make a plan for the future. In order to steer our lives in the right direction, we had to make choices.  
At seventeen, I chose wrong.

At seventeen, I left life, love, and family behind me to race for Cullen Racing. At the time, I would have said it was the smart choice - the right choice even. But at twenty-one, I knew better.


End file.
